Is this normal?

I do find myself back here again. My problem is lately only once a week but still creates havoc and most of all emotional pain. The damn urge is so strong and like a lot of us, I have given in so easily every time. For anywhere from 10 minutes to a half hour of "pleasure" I am in hate with the world and myself for days. The repetitive thought "I fucked up" is a reminder of how bad I feel and for me it is very bad anger.

My question though since I want to change is - the last 3 nights I have woken up each night from an intense dream feeling the urge inside, and just about humping without touching myself, and feeling the upwelling inside. It must be totally subconscious as it comes from deep sleep with dreams but wakes me up. If I kept up with the feeling I am almost sure I would ejaculate without touching myself at all, but I've stopped the feeling immediately.

In last nights dream I was masturbating surrounded by big boulders outside, but over the top of the boulders I could see a crowd of people on the outside. I have quite a few dreams like this where I am masturbating in front of and hiding from people at the same time.

Also in the same dream I am climbing a steep hill made from mud, which shows I am helpless to get anywhere. The subconscious is a powerful thing and a reminder of what we feel helpless against. By the way, I have just reset my badge to reflect the actual days.

 

Yes I am feeling a lot of shame and don't feel helpless until the urge strikes - I haven't been able to get beyond it, even if once a week it still feels no good, and I know it's not mentally healthy because my anger level is very high and self destructive for several days and even after that point I feel a lack of self esteem because I couldn't control it - it's been a vicious cycle.

 

I know, it would probably be taboo to talk about it except for this site. It's normal even when you are more recovered I think, it still comes up but you can control it. I give myself credit at least for not continuing with that feeling. I wanted to but somehow I stopped.

 

It could be but can't say for sure as dreams are so subjective - I don't always understand them at all but I try to keep an open mind.

 

That's a good point and I don't judge myself from them or even use them as some kind of guiding post, just try to accept them as part of the unconscious mind releasing stress. I think it's going to be natural that any addictive behavior that has gotten a hold on your life will get interpreted in a strange way in dreams. As I mentioned I'm glad I didn't act out on my dream inspired stimulation, my biggest obstacle will be the next time I get the big urge that I seem to give in to. I know the suffering after is a good deterrent but at the time I've given in to the behavior sometimes casually without so much as a second thought. It's almost a physical aching of desire I'll have to get through. I know this is "on the fence" thinking that doesn't show enough resolve, somehow I'll have to change that. Coming here daily will help.

 

Thank you it all makes sense the way you put it

 

Well I made it 12 days without, gave in today - not proud of it, I think I could go another 12 days. Things were improving, less anger and self destructive inner dialogue, and the best thing my wife and I got closer. Just came to the threshold of "no return" (those words are an excuse aren't they?) My dreams were still filled with masturbation themes and more times waking up with the urge very strong, but I kept it in check. It's not comical, but I came home from work this afternoon and the washing machine was on and overloaded and afraid it might come off the belts, at first I put my hands down on it and then I pushed myself against it and it felt good. I stopped, went to the gym and it wasn't a good workout. I could already feel some shame and something inside building. Came home and gave in to the porn. Boy did it feel good - but now I think I can get back on track. Just not sure if I can go the distance. I think a lot of us are in that situation but I can only speak for myself.

 

Yes I was quite convinced I could go further this time and was feeling the benefits, and especially with my wife, I thought about all we had been through, how our relationship developed and it gave me a deeper acceptance and respect for her. Unfortunately, when I've relapsed more regularly I'm very critical of her, myself and everyone else as well. I give myself credit for those 12 days and I'm sure I can get back on track again. I realize this is a learning process, damn it felt so good to look and do it, but the difference is, I know I can get at least this far again, the benefits are too good and more frequency equals a string of bad days. Thanks for the link I'll check it out.

 

Back in crap city again, the side effects are always delayed and build over a few days after giving in. Impatient, angry critical and irritable - intolerant of people and life. Always the same. Was pretty good all week until... Just changed my badge starting from Friday.