Is this relapse?

For me I would consider it one - but everyone has to have their own boundaries and lines in the sand.

 

I would that's a pattern of trying to push the boundary as much as possible without actually getting there. Long term it'll never work because he, like all of us, won't be able to hold that line forever.

The blockers may not fix the root of the problem, but they don't hurt. I have parental controls on my phone and a porn blocker on my laptop. Does it fix my inner issues and such. no. Does it help me when I click a link that I may not expect to have nudity but does - and keep me from going there, yes.

 

I'm impressed with your husband on two levels.The lengths he's going to in order to get his fix are amazing, especially when actual porn is absurdly easy to access. His depth of addiction is almost matched by his dedication to recovery. Almost.

My guess is he's spending so much time and effort on a relatively weak stimulus because he has to have a replacement. There's other elements revealing the strength of the hold porn has on him, such as refusing blocks because it's really a heart issue, and avoiding community. The thing is, he's not entirely wrong. He's addicted but not stupid, so he's dealing with half-truths. If he'd come in he could read the basics on the site, and understand his addiction better and perhaps begin better methods of treating it, but he's also right in that this has to be his recovery.
He does need a replacement for P, which provides dopamine, a neurochemical we need to function like normal human beings. It sounds nuts, but this is the most reliable way he's found to get the dopamine he needs to get through the day. He'll get depressed and angry if he doesn't have it, which he may already be right now, but without P he'll be more acutely aware of his misery. For replacing P's dopamine, intense exercise is always at the top of my list. Other sources such as hobbies, spending time with family, finishing tasks, and receiving compliments, all help.
He is also absolutely correct that his porn habit is a heart issue, and porn blockers aren't actually going to help with that. I respect that position, but there are two reasons he might consider them anyway. Blockers don't fix the issues but they can be a tool in recovery, one of many he can use to help ease the process. Second, it could be important as a symbol of commitment. You, the SO, might need some sign that he's in this, and he might be willing to demonstrate it through doing that "pain in the ass" thing.
I also understand not wanting to go to a group or hang out here on NoFap. There's shame, for one, and we are a bunch of weirdos who are addicted to porn. I have seen some ridiculous behavior, some absurd statements, and a lot of general WTF going on around these parts. I probably wouldn't befriend most of these guys outside the community. But I'm here because I belong here, because I'm addicted to P just like they are, and that's a harsh reality. I am committed to beating this addiction, even if it means being around these weirdos.

Conversations like these are always hard, especially with an addict. You are hurting, he's hurting, it's easy to blame and and hurt one another even more. I still think he needs to consider getting help, though. He knows this behavior is damaging the relationship, but it's easy for an addict to not see the extent, or the damage being done to himself personally.

 

Great post!

 

I second that.

 

Yeah that's what we do here. We read the science. Then we read the experiences. And we start a day counter and we journal about it. We can ask questions, commiserate, or lurk as much as we want. There's no circle, no standing up and saying your name and how long you've been an addict, no crying and awkward hugs. There is a lot of "did I relapse?" and "is it okay if I use this P sub that sounds innocuous to me but is clearly a bunch of BS?" There is a moderate amount of conspiracy theories, and some low grade, sometimes high grade misogyny but that's in Off Topic and those guys usually get called out by other members before getting banned.

I have no doubt he feels bad about it and he thinks about it all the time. I felt bad about it and thought about it all the time too. I fully understand resistance to other people helping. But guilt isn't recovery. Guilt doesn't get results, and if he knew how to help himself, he'd have done it by now. I didn't know how to recover. NoFap taught me, but it's still my recovery and it still isn't easy.

Bare minimum, try to get him to read the Basics. If he wants to join or not after that is whatever, though I do think he'd benefit from seeing guys going through the exact same thing he has and learning the fine details of what works for them, so he can modify it and make that recovery his own But right now he's not recovering from jack, he's just immobilized and in pain.

Apologies for the slightly confrontational tone here, I'm have a Day.

 

We don't know the precise details of what is or is not addiction for your husband, just because he engages in this or that behavior. I can partake of alcohol freely, while an alcoholic who is an addict cannot. Furthermore, we have no idea whether your husband is trying to recover, and if so, what his precise custom-applied recovery program is or what his goals are for recovery. Without knowing the parameters of his recovery goals, who can say whether he overstep the bounds or not. There's really not enough information provided here for anyone to ascertain relapse or not, regardless of how much anyone may ramble on in some reply.
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Also-many addicts “ think” they are different. That’s part of the addict talk, lol.

 

It's not working because it's misdirected. He doesn't yet understand his addiction. Apparently, neither does his CSAT. Anyone worth his salt in counseling on an addiction like this should know better than to suggest one can merely reduce one's exposures, and focus on the behaviors, entirely ignoring the thoughts that feed the addiction.

I've posted various places in the forum my tips on how to quit. Multiple others have affirmed them, some saying there was no better advice to be found. Two of those posts are linked in my signature.

When your husband changes his habits of thought, only then will he be able to change his habits of action. Thoughts precede actions, and motivate them. By fantasizing over the nude scenes in the movies, he is feeding his lust, and remains lecherous in character. To make a change for the better will require that he reject every thought that would lead him to do something he should not do--and when he chooses to go in this direction, he will quickly realize that it is entirely unsafe for him to watch any of those movies anymore. He dares not take even a step in that direction if he wishes not to engage in heavy, heavy battle with the lusts of his body. Those lusts can be starved away to near nothingness, and easily withstood, if he would but first change his habits of thought so as no longer to think of such ignoble things.

 

One last thing - I wouldn't call it a relapse because it's been going on so long and without a hard-line inner circle to avoid it's all inerpretation.