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Is this you? It's me.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Exit To Freedom, Jun 11, 2020.

  1. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Are you 2 different people? That's me. I come back here because I have to but it seems to do no good. I'm good for 4 or 5 days and still getting motivated to stay clean from my last relapse, and then it builds and all of a sudden, I just have to do it - whether it's masturbation or looking at porn. Maybe start with one and end with the other. What I find though which is hard to admit is that I do a complete reversal and become a total lustful being who needs it now, and unlike many here - loves it and enjoys it, looks forward to it, talks dirty to myself about how good it will be. If your going to do it, then do it all the way, enjoy it - get it out of your system. I am now someone else in a trance. Some of the phrases - I want it, I need it, I don't care, then the names of the women I've looked at naked revealing it all. I seem to be a sick self whore. I believe it goes all the way back to childhood, things I've brought up before and won't go into to deeply as a result here. Repressed the first 9 years of my life, think I was abused and then when my parents split at 9 years old, I developed a masturbation habit outside that was an escape from my emotional pain. It was completely compulsive just like it is now. It destroyed my self esteem growing up and I never understood it, just that I had to do it, just like I do now. I'll be honest if I could get away with just masturbating to naked women pleasing themselves, I'd be perfectly happy with it. But reality sinks in and I'm not perfectly happy after I do it. I'm pissed and depressed. I really don't know how to beat this thing and I'm understanding from seeing both sides that I am 2 people.
     
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  2. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

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    Its pretty insane. I remember a few months ago I hadn't watched P for about 2 weeks, telling myself the same day that I would not PMO until the 4th of July. After being exposed to a trigger, I started telling myself I would look at P for a second just to test myself to see if I could resist. I closed it after looking for a few minutes but then convinced myself somehow that it didn't matter and to just go full PMO. The one thing I said to myself that I'll never forget was "Man, how did I ever give this shit up?" I said this with absolute joy as I felt that rush. I had no care for my previous promises and went full down into the rabbit hole of watching fucked up shit, and I enjoyed every second of it. (After that relapse I went back to daily PMO with no intention to quit for some time)

    This is one thing that helped me realize that I'm a true addict and using P in a healthy way will always be impossible for me, and that its been that way since I was 8.
     
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  3. Exit To Freedom

    Exit To Freedom Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply and sorry for the late response. Triggers are tough and if we haven't acted out in a while they may seem innocent enough. I purposely don't test myself with that but if they appear it can be tempting. One good thing about this last time is that I didn't follow up like I usually do with the chaser effect. It was there but I got through it. There is a definite pattern to it all and I'm good and then I'm swept up again, it's getting past that final urge. Beyond that urge is complete submissiveness no matter what the consequences may be. Somehow that is the thing I've got to get beyond. To be honest I can't imagine not being able to touch myself for weeks, months, years. It seems so foreign. I wish I could live with it and prosper but it doesn't seem possible.
     
  4. The shadow. One cannot exist without it, but can learn to rise above it.
     

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