Is true recovery actually possible? Question for PAs

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by trying33, Jun 26, 2018.

  1. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Multiple times in the past, my boyfriend has promised not to watch porn, been good a few months, and then went back to watching it/lying to me about it despite knowing that it kills me inside (full backstory here). He relapsed again recently and I reached a point where I started to completely lose hope. However, he says he really sees things differently now and he is finally really going to reboot and commit to never watching porn again, not just for me but for himself.

    I want to believe him and support him in making this positive change. I spent a ton of time researching PA and sent him lots of articles and resources to use, including this website. Right now he says he feels really good and has been P free, but I can't shake the feeling that it's only a matter of time before he relapses. I know that people on this site have remained porn free for many months or even years (effectively "rebooting" their brain) but then have relapsed anyway. As an SO it makes me feel really hopeless, because I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. That relapse is always inevitable.

    Is it really possible for someone to remain porn-free for the rest of their lives? Society hyper-sexualizes women at every turn (there are tons of triggers everywhere) and it also normalizes porn use and implies that men have a "need" for it and simply cannot do without it for long periods of time. I have been told by many people (both men and women) that asking a partner not to watch porn is unreasonable and only sets us up for failure, especially if I'm not having sex with them all the time (as is the case in my current relationship, which has recently become long distance). I'm starting to feel like my only option is just to accept that my partners will always use porn and I should just "get over it". I really don't want to believe this but I'm kind of starting to. I don't know how to maintain my hope that long-term, permanent recovery is truly possible.
     
  2. First off, I read your backstory and the comments that follow. Tremendous strength at posting everything you did. And while addicts have a tendency to lie, I really believe its because they cannot admit there is a problem. I am a recovering addict of sex and porn, and it is a struggle daily, and while I have not told many people irl, purging here makes me feel I am taking steps in the right direction.

    I truly believe so. I am married and love my wife, and was in the same situation living in superset cities for almost a year, I turned to porn while she was away, and bartered with myself “hey, at least I’m not trying to have sex with someone else” but that was wrong to watch and indulge in porn because it ruined my ability to perform when we did get together. I accepted how badly my position had become and I do not ever want to feel as shameful and low ever again in my life. Maybe your SO does not realize how much hurt he is causing because he does not realize the pain he causing to himself.

    I’m struggling with sexually objectifying women irl, and for awhile used porn as a way to search for porn stars who looked similar to women irl. It was easy to do this because of the easy access to porn.

    Do not accept that. It is horrible you were put into two different relationships with the same problem. You should not suffer if someone does not respect and value your wishes(I know I sound hypocritical but I am working and dealing with my Shame)

    You’re not the one with the problem, and yes if he agrees to tracking his movements, calling him out on his shit, checking his phone, then this is the best choice if he is being serious about walking the line.

    Hope this helped and I hope you have a better day
     
    tIoD and Strength And Light like this.
  3. nofepfepforlife

    nofepfepforlife Fapstronaut

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    i dont know tbh. i thought i recovered last year and i pretty much did but after i had sex a dozen times my PIED started to return.
     
  4. Ezpz

    Ezpz Fapstronaut

    Your boyfriend is an addict. You can't just give up PMO straight away. It is a process, full of relapses. When you make him promise to not relapse again, and he does, his confidence gets shot and he feels ashamed.

    It is a long process, not an overnight success. The main thing you can do is give him support throughout the journey. Ask him what hes struggling with, if he needs to talk or if theres anything you can do.

    It is possible for a full recovery but it required 110% commitment.

    They key to beating the addiction is building successful relationships, along with making progress on long term goals.
     
    over50 likes this.
  5. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much for your response. It does help to hear from someone who is going through this process. I have mentioned installing accountability software on his devices but he does not want to pay for the monthly subscription. He does say he has installed porn blockers, is using a Reboot app, and wants to start therapy, so I don't know. I guess that shows some commitment. I'm trying to show him that his addiction not only affects me negatively but him as well. Mostly I just want him to be honest with me, relapses or not. It's still so hard not to think it's my fault but I am glad to hear the reminder that this is his problem and not mine.
    I admire that you are committing to change and I really wish you the best of luck!!
     
    Air0 likes this.
  6. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your answer. At this point I'm trying to take the stance that I support him and that if he relapses I just want to know. In the past it has been painful when he's relapsed, but what made it most hurtful was the way he lied about it and tried to cover it up. It wasn't only the act, but trying to deceive me about it that made me the most angry. I hope that if he sees a therapist he will be able to be more open with them than with me, because there is no worry about hurt feelings. It's just so difficult to support him in this because I am still struggling with a lot of anger and the idea that it is not my fault. My recovery from that trauma will be a long journey too I suppose.
    Congrats on your 102 days and good luck with your own journey!
     
  7. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    aw I'm kinda feeling that way. I'm trying my best and staying strong. This is my record streak and I want to stay that way.

    I hope the situation with your bf works out! Maybe have a conversation with him about why he's lying. Personally, I try to hide things and lie when I feel shame if I tell the truth. One thing that I think could help is tell him that he can be honest with u and that you support him. Best of luck!!
     
  8. It is not your fault at all. Do not ever think you’re not good enough or worthy enough, because you are for yourself. This is his problem, most definitely and his biggest problem is he is not good enough for himself and cannot recognize that if he does not see that porn usage is a problem.

    Slowly I have told two of my closest friends some of my past and my struggle with addiction to porn and sex and I have felt relieved when they have told me similar feelings and experiences, and it is really helping me with accountability. It has also strengthened my friendships, and helped me focus on my marriage and everything I do not want to lose.

    I really hope he does get help, because you’re feelings about him are so pure to be wasted if he doesnt see how much you mean to him and vice versa.

    I hope you find the strength to be happy and be brave and tell him all the time how you feel, how you hurt and how you’re tired of the pain.

    Have a great and better day:)
     
  9. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    The main reason he lies is because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I have made it clear that I am here to support him and just want the truth, I guess that's all I can really do. It is definitely really really hard not to react negatively when he tells me things but I know that my reactions are part of what he fears in telling the truth, so I am trying to be more calm and cool. Still so difficult.
    Great job on your streak, I hope your positive journey continues!
     
  10. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you are finding support in your friends and I really hope he can do the same. Real life relationships are not worth losing over some pixels on a screen.
    Thanks so much for your kind comments :)
     
  11. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    gotcha! Keep us updated. and hopefully things will change. Stay strong! You are helping him a lot by being supportive!
     
  12. If you want to know if it's possible then it is but everyone has their own reasons and motivations for staying away from porn. I've not viewed porn for over 3 years now but also this goes with my commitment to stay clean from drugs and alcohol because for me all of those were intertwined with each other and acted as motivations and catalysts. It's all down to whether the person can accept in their heart that they can live without it and no longer want or need it, it's difficult to get to that point and you can never really be 'cured' as such from being an addictive individual we just learn to manage our behaviour in different ways
     
    nofepfepforlife likes this.
  13. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    Sorry you have to go through this.
    May be there will always be the possibility of a relapse. I can't answer the question if true recovery is actually possible. I just don't know. Nevertheless, a single relapse doesn't mean the addict is back to the start. We always say that it is a stumble - may be a fall - but that doesn't mean you have to start from the beginning of the track again. A single, isolated relapse is very unpleasant, but it might happen when under a lot of inner pressure. (This goes for all kinds of addiction, by the way.) What's important is that he doesn't go for a binge or keeps suffering the chaser effect. Now, I get that it is hurting you a lot and makes you suffer, but I am still not sure if you might have painted it a little too black and white in your post. Not trying to justify anything, the ideal situation would be that he just keeps going, for himself, for you and for the two of you. I am just writing this in case you have to deal with it another time... Just trying to give you some perspective. Do you get what I mean?
     
  14. Ezpz

    Ezpz Fapstronaut

    Its great that you mentioned therapy, have you considered couples therapy? It could be hugely beneficial for you situation and it might help you both understand things from each others perspective.

    Thanks a lot :)
     
  15. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I can see how a single relapse shouldn't mean the addict starts at the beginning. I think what's tough is that when an addict relapses they can see it as a stumble and move on with new determination and confidence, but for the SO it feels just as shitty and hurtful as every other time, you know? A "stumble" for him is another huge betrayal for me. So, rationally I know it's not "black and white", but emotionally it can feel that way. I appreciate you giving the perspective though and I do get what you mean.
     
  16. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    I have considered it but now that we're living in two different states it's not really possible :/
     
  17. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I don't know how to help him get to that point. I think it is something he has to realize for himself and it frustrates and saddens me that I cannot do it for him. Do you still have urges to watch porn and you just resist them? Or do you really not feel the want/need anymore?
     
  18. I no longer feel urges to watch porn and the compulstion to view it has left me too, i also don't want it and i know now i don't need it because i've lived without it now for enough time to realise that. I still think about sex though but in relation to when i'm out and about and i see a beautiful woman or maybe even a celebrity i really fancy is on tv however that is pretty normal for a lot of straight heterosexual men, the challenge with porn addiction is to develop a healthier and more balanced view of sex,love and intimacy whilst abstaining from porn. Sometimes i get using dreams and they can be quite vivid of me back when i was at my worst doing drugs and watching porn and then i wake up and have to take 5 minutes to realise it was ony a dream.

    Do you know about Fight The New Drug ...FTND? check them out, just do a search in google. They helped me to challenge my originally deeply flawed and naive understanding of porn. it would be good for him to read some of the articles on there.
     
  19. trying33

    trying33 Fapstronaut

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    I think it's great you don't want to watch porn anymore, and I do think occasional thoughts about sex in response to real people are normal. It gives me hope that you were able to rebuild a healthy relationship with sex/intimacy.
    I will check out that website, I see they have a lot of articles on peer-reviewed research which I really appreciate. Thanks for the info!
     
  20. Well said. Lately that’s what I have noticed in myself is that my view and dare I say my craving for sex with my wife has increased, rather than my wanting to look at porn.
     
    thorswrath32 likes this.

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