Is watching porn cheating/adultery? My humble view on the point.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ProtagonistOfMyLife, Feb 10, 2019.

What do you think is watching P?

  1. Adultery - on the same level as having sex with someone else

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Cheating - either romantical, emotional or sexual

    6 vote(s)
    85.7%
  3. Neither, however it causes harm and shouldn't be condoned

    1 vote(s)
    14.3%
  1. ProtagonistOfMyLife

    ProtagonistOfMyLife Fapstronaut

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    The thing I am going to say first is, if you have a firm opinion on the topic and or are passionate about it, don't read this. You will only get angry and turn your day for the worse. If you are a person who will become angry at different opinions, for whatever reason, maybe because you are, yourself affected by something related to this, I'd be best to just not read the following. There be nothing to benefit from it.

    Now, the next thing I am going to say is that, I am not going to voice my opinion from the point of a PMO addict.
    There have been some peope here who seem to believe that because their streaks have a higher number, their opinion is of higher credibility and quality, regardless of the topic.
    Of course, in relation to PMO and recovery, a person with higher streaks and valuable experience made by trial and error, should be considered as such, valuable experience. They will have better anecdotal knowledge, regardless of how they are into researching PMO. So yes, they should be considered authorities on the topic to a certain extent. And while an "appeal to authority"-fallacy could still occur, chances are someone with success, will be able to give good advice.
    However, what's pretty sad is some people with high streaks seem to want to translate this into "I have a higher streak as you, so no matter what you say, my opinion will always weigh more".
    On this reference, if someone opposing the point of view I am going to make will do it in a way of "my streak is higher" or "you are addicted to PMO so you can't think coherently" or "your addiction is trying to manipulate" I am kindly asking you to gtfo. What you are doing is in no way respectable in any regard. Whether you are recovering from PMO has nothing to do with topics outside from PMO and a decent human's understanding from what is right and what is wrong.

    Now, finally on to the topic.

    There is a lot of people with differing opinions on this topic, and it would probably be acceptable to call this question and the answer to it a "grey area".

    For many people I have met online here watching P is considered cheating.

    No one is going to deny, that regularly watching porn rather than having intimate contact with your SO can be considered as a form of betrayal. If you PMO rather than attend to your SO you are neglecting them in a way. If you SO discovers that you watch P and M rather than having it with them, there is a big chance they will feel insulted and/or will be hurt. They will start to think that they are not good enough, not good looking enough and all manners of these sorts of things. Most people would probably react in a similar way. Differing from person to person, to a few, it won't matter at all, to some it will do minor to moderate harm and to quite a lot it will probably deal a big blow.
    Another user online made a very good explanation on this, I will be so free as to copy it here again.

    "I understand what you mean, but from a woman's perspective it's very different. He has not been physical with another woman, but instead fantasized about thousands and thousands of them. For women, this is just soul shattering to know. Imagine if your wife or girlfriend told you "you should know that every man I met before you satisfied me a lot more in bed than you ever have". She hasn't cheated, yet she has made you feel absolutely inadequate. Every feeling of intimacy that you have after knowing this would be tainted and every time you closed your eyes you would picture her with her former lovers, enjoying herself and laughing at your shortcomings. This is how pa feels for a woman... Insult her as a person and she might be a little sad, insult her femininity and she will be destroyed."

    I think this is a very good illustration of what is happening, and this just reaffirms that anyone who loves their SO should cut out porn of their lives at any cost. While watching P is indirectly conveying this message rather than throwing it directly in your face with speech, I think it's fair to assume that the outcome is the same.

    However, cheating or 'adultery' as it was originally called has a few diverging definitions, differing a bit from here and there, it is still commonly understood as extramarital sex that is considered objectionable on social, religious, moral, or legal grounds." So simply said, cheating or, adultery is extramarital sex, even though you have dedicated yourself to one person and promised to not have sex with another person other than you SO. If you are in a serious relationship, this promise is implicit even if you haven't said to your SO "I promise to not have sex with another person" if there has not been consensual acceptance of extramarital sex.

    The point is to stand that adultery is extramarital sex. And for sex you need more than one person. Sex is sexual intercourse between, at least, two people. And adultery is having sex with people you promised not to have sex with. Nothing more and nothing less.
    This is not happening with PMO. M is "to touch or rub your sexual organs in order to give yourself sexual pleasure." It's you giving yourself pleasure, possibly using either P or fantasies to derive more sexual pleasure or fasten the process up.
    It's an inherently selfish and self centered thing. No other people are involved. No personalities, no feelings, nothing. It's stimulating your sexual organs in order to derive sexual pleasure and either P or fantasies are tools to increase that pleasure.

    And since no interaction with a second person is involved, it can not be called adultery, it simply isn't. Masturbation is not the same as sex.

    Now, I know that some people give arguments such as: "they are getting off to another person" or "the feel sexual attraction to someone that isn't me" and further along this line, basically saying that "watching someone else having sex, while masturbating to that person having sex while desiring the person having sex is the same as having sex with said person." However, that's the point where you have crossed the line between fantasy, virtual and reality.
    With the same argument I could say that playing an ego-shooter with the intent to kill my virtual-enemy in the shooter game is the same as shooting a real person. And sure, killing my enemies in the game will give me a rush of endorphine, because it means I won the game. But it doesn't mean I want to shoot up my neighbour or that I am a murderer.
    The logic behind that is limping. It's just simply mixing up reality with non-reality.
    So, this argument is invalid.
    In my point of view, this means that PMO is not adultery.

    Now, we that we have concluded that PMO is not adultery, the question to ask is, if PMO is cheating. Of course adultery is cheating, but not all cheating is adultery.

    Again, what is considered cheating and what isn't considered cheating is a gray area and highly dependent on subjective opinion. While there are a few things that are generically considered cheating, there is by no means a consensus on all things in that area.
    Now, giving an opinion on this is certainly a very difficult thing, because of what people believe in.
    Some people believe in "emotional cheating" which is "an emotional cheater finds himself intimately confiding in the person, sharing thoughts, dreams and an emotional closeness that would normally be reserved for his mate."
    There is also "physical cheating". "Simply put, physical cheating is the act of being sexually intimate with someone other than your spouse or significant other". This isn't necessairly sex but can also be kissing, hugging intimately and all the other phyiscal actions one would normally reserve for their romantic partner.
    Then there is also "text message cheating" which is basically sexting with another person than your SO.
    Finally there is "cyber cheating" which is "Cyber cheating includes Internet pornography, online dating and flirting with other people on social networking sites." This would include the sentiment that P is cheating.


    However, there is ONE big difference that jumps to eye, when reading through this. One thing all forms of cheating share in common naught one. It's the acutal establishment of a personal relation with someone. There are always, at least, two people who want this experience, who want the stimulation of, by and with someone else. Both people, may the not know each other, communicate with each other, know of the other's existence and willingly accept this.

    However, p by it's very nature is self-centered, selfish and masturbatory. The people in the P don' know of the watchers existence and most commonly, the P-watcher doesn't want their existence to be known be the person performing sex in the P. There is no communcation between the two, not establishment of an actual relationship, there is no bond shared with each other, no experience made together, no consensual sexual or romantic activity.

    That is why I, personally do not consider P cheating. Now don't misunderstand me. I, in now way condone P or PMO. That's why I am here. I see it as harmful and want it out of my life. I wouldn't be happy if my SO watched P and PMOed rather than doing that stuff with me. However, even if she did, I would not consider it cheating or even, adultery.
    And I would say that my opinion here is at large, guided by sound reasoning.

    I do understand, and consent, that watching P and PMO can be considered a form of spiritual betrayal and that it can be toxic and hurt an SO.
    And I can understand that for SOs there is a lot of negative feelings, frustration and even hatred involved.
    However I do believe that it is unjust to throw watching into the same bracket as actually kissing someone else romantically, as actually establishing a sexual, romantical, consensual relationship with another human being outside of an relationship one vowed to honor.

    In my opinion, this blatant difference ought to jump anybody into the face.

    Stealing is wrong and murder is wrong too. That doesn't mean stealing is murder and thiefs should be treated the same way as murderes are.

    I will also say that my sentiment on this whole topic is shared, at large, by the overall human population.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...watching-pornography-form-cheating-it-depends

    73% of US and 77% of Spain don't believe that P is cheating. That doesn't mean they like or condone P or think that it's not harmful - just that they don't think it's on the level of actual cheating.

    Here's another poll by men's health with both male and female voters:
    https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/g19546776/microcheating-are-you-guilty-of-infidelity/?slide=1

    Now some further thoughts on the topic.
    Some people, no matter man or woman may have weird sexual fetishes that they may have acquired as a child or have been born with. For example foot-fetishes and things along those lines. It's understandable if these people wouldn't want to disclose that to their spouse, as they may fear to become hated or loss of their loved ones over something they have no control over. Now, if such a person watched P from time to time, even if it was my spouse, I wouldn't see it as cheating or a betrayal.

    I understand that this is a controversial topic as it's often emotionally loaded and people who often watch P or are addicted to PMO often neglect and harm their SOs because they suck due to having fried their brains with it, however accusing them of something they have not done is still not okay.

    And even if we feel we have been cheated doesn't necessarily mean we have in all factuality been cheated on. Our feelings do not dictate reality. This seems in general, to be a huge misconception in our period of time.

    Let me give an example. I have this math test coming up. So I spend huge amounts of time, effort and dedication to learn for it. When the test is coming up if feel well prepared and comfortable. However, then I fail it. Of course, I will feel cheated by the results. I have done so much and spent so much time, but I still failed.
    However, just because I feel cheated, it doesn't mean that I have in reality been cheated by anyone or anything. This is what I mean when I say, our feelings do not necessarily always reflect reality.

    So to sum it up, I can very much understand why someone, regardless of gender, feels the way they feel when they find out their partner watches porn rather than having S with them.
    I understand why to someone, with different understanding than mine, can be hurt by it and why their partners ought to never watch P - regardless of the general harm that PMO does on body and mind of the user. However, in my opinion watching P is neither adultery nor cheating. It can be a form of spiritual betrayal.
     
    aspiringwriter1997 likes this.
  2. ProtagonistOfMyLife

    ProtagonistOfMyLife Fapstronaut

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    To sum it up:
    Don't watch P - for a pleuthora of reasons
    Don't PMO - for a pleuthora of reasons
    SOs have every right to be angry at their partners for falling for P addiction and PMO addiction. As a drug addict chooses cocaine over their family and loved ones a PMO addict chooses P and MO over their family and loved ones. It's causes a lot of harm and should, in no way, be condoned. Since before my P problem I have been single and I would never endorse a serious relationship as long as I am not sure that I had solved my problem in a lasting way.
    However, don't lump things together that don't belong together.
    Also, I am unable to edit my first post and can not erase grammatical errors, my bad on that part.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2019
    aspiringwriter1997 likes this.

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