Isolation's Paradox

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Such Small Hands, Jan 6, 2019.

  1. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

    I don't have a girlfriend. Never had one, either. I'm 22 and overweight and massively self-conscious. I once visibly flinched in the ninth grade when a female friend came over to hug me because that's how unused to attention from the opposite sex I was. And sadly enough, not much has changed, in that regard. Well, look, it's not THAT bad, and I've had more female friends (good ones, too) since then, but a girlfriend? Nope. Sex, at all? LOL, no.

    A lack of experience with girls/women drove me into a kind of sexless public persona. I no longer thought of myself as a dude with ANY sexual prospects, and confined myself to "friend" status at best, with any girl I came across. Inside, of course, I was raging with sexual energy. All this turned into sexual frustration, and a curiosity regarding masturbation and porn soon enough became a full-on addiction. This was early high school. I've now graduated from college and am here, on the site, still figuring it out.

    I used PMO as fuel to further drive myself into loneliness. Funny thing is, not all of it was conscious. It became a refuge, where women existed only to satiate my sexual desires, and not as actual people you interacted with and respected. I've written about the lure of PMO, before, as a stress relief, but PMO can easily make you forget just how much you hate yourself.

    I'm not trying to say that I found the cure, but I started this thread just to say that being single, being in my situation or in a similar one, doesn't mean a life of isolation. This is common-f**king-sense, of course, but I'm just now finding out the truth of it. Being with women, hanging out with them, laughing with them, finding out their flaws and triumphs, befriending them - it's kind of a PMO-killer, I've found. When you put yourself into these kinds of interactions, as "purely" as you would with guy-friends, the porn-tainted perspective weakens. Life opens in fresh, engaging ways. You can be single, but you don't have to be lonely. Not all the time, at least.

    Say you're at a party. It's late at night, people are drinking and smoking by a pool. You're there with co-workers and strangers and suddenly someone approaches you. Someone pretty, but you're not really interested in that. She's talking about a movie that both of you like, and soon you're talking about other things, too. Soon you're laughing because of something awkward you said and she laughs too, but there's kindness in the sound. The conversation can't go on forever so you drift away and suddenly you look up and there's a few stars and a plane blinking towards the horizon. You feel elated and new and you forget about all the shit waiting for you at home and even the girl because a chilly wind comes through and you shiver, and you wrap your jacket tighter around you, and you look up again. The plane is gone but the stars remain and the sound of the party becomes as commonplace as the exiting breeze and the trees shaking their leaves down. You're surrounded, yet alone, and your heart beats, beats, beats, and music starts somewhere, and that familiar laughter rises behind you, and no, you're not alone, not at all.
    letter and Woodcutter74 like this.
  2. Woodcutter74

    Woodcutter74 Fapstronaut

    Very well written and you made some valid points.

    For starters I agree what you say about women. When I quit PMO for 67 days, my perception of women changed. I enjoyed spending time with them, not for the sake of getting laid, but enjoying their company and getting to know them.

    As for not having sex at the age of 22, you are wise not to freak out. Some guys lose their virginity in their 30s and later than that.

    As for being overweight, I have suffered that too and many of my friends as well. But I know a few of my friends that have made weight training a life habit. These guys that used to be 30 pounds heavier than me are now slim, while I'm pounds heavier than them. Hahaha.

    You are on the right track, so I faith in you. Best of luck. You can do it :)
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  3. Clarke

    Clarke Fapstronaut

    That's fine if you're content with only ever being a friend. Just make sure you're not lying to yourself because it's cruel to both you and her to try to bait and switch.
    Such Small Hands likes this.
  4. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    I’m glad to see that you are finding the way out of isolation’s trap @Such Small Hands :)

    You’ve penned the way through well. I hope others take notice of you and hear your words, for in a way they are like the story of every human. We are all on a journey out of separation into togetherness.

    Some of us just go through it a little more literally, others more metaphorically.
    Such Small Hands likes this.

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