It’s a long time coming. Need to get my first girlfriend

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Codename47, Jun 14, 2020.

  1. Codename47

    Codename47 Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone,

    I’ve never had a girlfriend or had sex so I’m a 22 year old virgin. This is partly due to my foot fetish from childhood against my will. I’ve been too scared to get a girlfriend in fear I’d be rejected as a result and it’s killing me that everyone has had a multiple girlfriends by now and had sex and I’m the only one that’s missed out. I’m also depressed, have anxiety and am fighting a PMO addiction just like everyone else on this forum. It’s a long and complicated story as to how I became depressed due to traumas from years and years of childhood and sexual abuse but the point is now is the time to make changes in my life, otherwise it’s never going to happen and I’m never going to find a wife to start a family with. Does anyone have any ideas? I need to find someone that’s a good person. I already have a lot of crap to deal with in my life so if anyone knows how I can skip the assholes I’m all ears. And the whole “experience” thing how do I get it?
    Stokeley likes this.
  2. John Rawls

    John Rawls New Fapstronaut

    disclaimer: i am very new here, and i also dont know you well enough to give the greatest advice but ill try. Also this is very long i apologize for the length

    I am 22 years old as well, I lost my virginity about a year ago, but i dont beliaeve that makes us much different in any way.

    Just today i was listening to Lex Fridman's podcast and his guest said something i have heard before and already internalized, but he said it in an eloquent way: "Suffering occurs only when people wish to change external things they cannot change" (something like that). What i can say is that having sex with women (or relationships in general) is an external force, and not something you should be chasing. While its cool to have sex, its not the pinnacle of your life, there is much more important things that you could invest your time into (career, hobbies, health, etc.) that will give you greater happiness than trying to fit in and experiencing something that lasts ~20 minutes. Once you focus all of your energy on things you can change through yourself (i.e. not dependant on others), fickle pursuits like "losing your virginity" become childish in the grand scheme of things.

    You know those corny sayings like: "you guys got to let it come to you bro"? What they are implicitly stating is that trying to manifest things that are entirely dependant on other people are never dependant on your will and what you want, therefore you can never earn, achieve, force, or create a romantic or non-romantic relationship through your actions.

    Become the best version of yourself and youll love yourself enough to never need to fit in, to experience what youre "missing out on", others opinions, etc. There is a Freddie Gibbs quote: "By the time people show you love, you dont even want it"; why? because youre already fulfilled. OR even the (extremely crude, i apologize if you find this disturbing) Kanye West quote "I dont need your pussy, b*tch im on my own dick"; WHY? because he loves himself so much internally, there is no need for external validation

    Once you love yourself, youll be able to tell people your a virgin with pride! (and girls love guys who love themselves too, thats a bonus tho)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2020
    Reborn16 and Branchman like this.
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    if you NEED a girlfriend is a clear sign that you lack something. Is a really bad mindset to approach the subject. First you have to be happy about your life by yourself, then you can open to share your hapiness with other person. If not you are goint to shere with her your unhapiness. You are going to act needy with her and she si probably going to notice that you don't have yout shit together and she is probably to dump you, if she doesn't she is probably not happy either.. she is an ashole, fruit loop, have a lot of issues, etc. Exactly the girls you want to avoid.

    It's better to work on yourself to the point that you are happy with your life, reach a point in your life that you don't lack anything. That's when you can go out and look up for a new girl to share your happiness with her and she can share theirs to you. With this approach your are going to be a lot more successfull to attract good qualiity woman into your life.
  4. DuckofDeath

    DuckofDeath Fapstronaut

    First of all, I am very sad to read that you have been dealt a very unfair hand in life. I can relate somewhat. My mother died while I was young and because my father worked long hours I had to spend a lot of time alone at an age where life should be fun and carefree. My father did the best he could, but he was a severe alcoholic for years and I often lived in fear of his wrath. When I was 21 I was diagnosed with a serious illness and was placed on radiation treatment and was forced to drop out of college my senior year after having been accepted to my dream law school to fix my health.

    Why is any of this significant? Because I eventually got off the radiation treatment and I am in full remission. I now cherish my health in a way most people never think to. I went back to school while working full time and completed my bachelor's degree, and later finished an MBA as well. I climbed my way up from miserable assembly line jobs to get a career I enjoy with great coworkers. My dad and eventually teamed up to help each other out: I helped support him becoming sober while he helped me navigate a number of personal challenges.

    I relay all of this because I believe it is important that you walk a road to self-recovery before you pursue a long term relationship. If you dive into relationships while you are broken emotionally, you are begging to be exploited. Unfortunately there are unscrupulous women out there who will exploit this (and there are predatory men who go after broken women). I know from personal experience.

    You may need to seek professional help. Also, try to build your social circle up. I know it's hard; I'm painfully introverted, but I found that volunteering for a cause I cared about helped me meet great people while improving my self esteem. Maybe take up a martial art or at least develop an exercise routine. This will all make you feel more at peace with yourself. It will also make you more attractive to the ladies around you.

    Let me know if you want to talk about the situation any further.
    MartyRegainsControl likes this.
  5. rob13_

    rob13_ Fapstronaut

    As someone also looking to get more experience, I think just getting out there counts. Talk to everyone, be outgoing, etc. Don't be afraid of rejection, it isn't as bad as we make it out to be in our heads.
  6. Ekalb

    Ekalb Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    My advice,

    Be careful what you wish for. I wished I wasn’t a virgin to only lose it and now wish I was. You aren’t missing anything from being one. However, it all starts with love for all of yourself. What does not kill you WILL make you stronger. Took me over 20 years to realize it was not cliché.

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