It's a closing circle. I finally reached 90 days of no PMO just when you decided to leave... So, this is my story. I came to this forum many times in the past years. In late 2019 I was searching for an AP group of gay people. In this group, I met K. K. has become my AP partner. We used to chat on Telegram. Then, last summer, we switched to Whatsapp. The past year and this one have been very difficult for me but I found joy in talking with him. We live on the opposite halves of the planet and it was nice to share moments of our different cultures. In March of this year, I started feeling very down on myself. He was the first one I came to, looking for support. You see, for a gay guy still in the closet, who hasn't experienced anything (not sex, not a kiss, not a touch of hands...) receiving attention from someone is very dangerous. I became attached to him in just a few days. I was already thinking to take a break when we had a conversation that made me spiraling down and down till now. I tried all my best to overcome the feelings that have arisen since then. I asked for a break but we had some conversations in between. In each one of these, I have been hurt. In most of the cases, he didn't do it on purpose. Maybe he never meant to. We were just too different and when you have unrequited feelings for someone, everything has a massive impact on you. After one message of his, which was the most absurd thing I could imagine, today he decided to leave, telling me that he knows he has hurt me and that he doesn't want to do it again. I think it's the right thing to do, but now all the anger towards him has evaporated and a big sadness has entered my chest. These months have been so absurd, so painful... I have come out to my parents and to other people close to me. I have the desire to meet someone but I constantly live in the fear that I will die alone because I am so scared of the hook-up culture in the gay community. I tried, again without success, to apply for different jobs. I worked on myself to get rid of all my fears and negative thoughts. I wished I could at least make peace with you. I am so lost. I am so scared. K., if you will ever read this... Did you ever care for me? For real? Are you leaving me because you're annoyed with me? I don't know what the heck were you thinking last Sunday but still...Even if you caused me pain, maybe everything is not lost. Yes, the world is big, and with this? This is not our final goodbye if you don't want to erase me from your life. One day, if you let me, we will talk one more time. Sorry guys for this rant. I just don't know what to do and probably this is not even the right forum to post this thread.