It all started with an AP group - A healing journal from loss

[ArazzoDiGiada]

It's a closing circle. I finally reached 90 days of no PMO just when you decided to leave...

So, this is my story. I came to this forum many times in the past years. In late 2019 I was searching for an AP group of gay people. In this group, I met K.
K. has become my AP partner. We used to chat on Telegram. Then, last summer, we switched to Whatsapp.
The past year and this one have been very difficult for me but I found joy in talking with him. We live on the opposite halves of the planet and it was nice to share moments of our different cultures.
In March of this year, I started feeling very down on myself. He was the first one I came to, looking for support.
You see, for a gay guy still in the closet, who hasn't experienced anything (not sex, not a kiss, not a touch of hands...) receiving attention from someone is very dangerous. I became attached to him in just a few days.
I was already thinking to take a break when we had a conversation that made me spiraling down and down till now.
I tried all my best to overcome the feelings that have arisen since then. I asked for a break but we had some conversations in between. In each one of these, I have been hurt. In most of the cases, he didn't do it on purpose. Maybe he never meant to. We were just too different and when you have unrequited feelings for someone, everything has a massive impact on you.
After one message of his, which was the most absurd thing I could imagine, today he decided to leave, telling me that he knows he has hurt me and that he doesn't want to do it again.
I think it's the right thing to do, but now all the anger towards him has evaporated and a big sadness has entered my chest.

These months have been so absurd, so painful...
I have come out to my parents and to other people close to me.
I have the desire to meet someone but I constantly live in the fear that I will die alone because I am so scared of the hook-up culture in the gay community.
I tried, again without success, to apply for different jobs.
I worked on myself to get rid of all my fears and negative thoughts.
I wished I could at least make peace with you.

I am so lost. I am so scared.
K., if you will ever read this... Did you ever care for me? For real? Are you leaving me because you're annoyed with me?
I don't know what the heck were you thinking last Sunday but still...Even if you caused me pain, maybe everything is not lost. Yes, the world is big, and with this?
This is not our final goodbye if you don't want to erase me from your life. One day, if you let me, we will talk one more time.

Sorry guys for this rant. I just don't know what to do and probably this is not even the right forum to post this thread.

 

[Deleted Account]

Hello my friend!

I think it IS the right forum to post this thread.

Most of us who have loved and lost someone for one reason or another, can relate with what you are going through. Your post is very sad and painful to read. Love is an addiction. Hope is a disease.

But, there is good news: You are so young! Take your time to grieve for your loss. Give up the hope of him coming back. It's consuming you. They very rarely, if ever, do. And if they do, let it be a pleasant surprise.

Make peace with yourself. Not with him. Not with anyone else.
Try to keep your mind busy, not to think of him. The more you think of him, the more it hurts. I know. I've been there.

But it's a pain that will finally subside. You have the time for this.
Use the forum for company in your loneliness.
Feel free to send a private message to me. We can cry for the ones we lost, together...

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Thank you CACKy.
I will DM you. I just want to say that I believe that I have to accept this pain, I have to let it be. If I distract myself from my pain, it will only become stronger. I will try not think of him too much, but it's not something I can do right now. It will be better with time I guess. I hope.

 

[Deleted Account]

It WILL be. Trust me. My biggest mistake was ... hoping. Hoping is consuming. Find the way to stop hoping!

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Maybe you're right. I just want this day to end. I'm too broken right now

 

[Deleted Account]

Maybe you're right. I just want this day to end. I'm too broken right now

It will end. And tomorrow will be brighter!
I hope that a virtual hug (pandemic and all) will make your pain a little more bearable!

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

He was faking everything. He didn't care at all. He's all smiles now.
I can't sleep nor work. Thank you K, for making my life a hell. Thank you, really.

 

[FallingPetals]

He was faking everything. He didn't care at all. He's all smiles now.

How do you know?

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Ok. Maybe I have to be more compassionate towards this guy. It's really really hard because his goodbye has made me so sad... but I want to try.

Let's think about this:
-I have beautiful memories related to this friendship. I cannot forget the first time we had a call. He was so happy he did well in a competition he was taking part in and he wanted to share this thing with me! Things may have changed lately but for some time he showed me that he cared for me and that he was happy to be a friend with me.
-I got to know him thanks to this forum. As most of the people in here (myself included, of course) he has some unsolved issues and an addiction to P. If I had just a very little part in helping him with these, I have to feel happy and proud.
The toughest part is thinking that I cannot help him anymore with this. But, if I really care for him, I have to think that he has found a way, maybe a friend, that can help him better than I could.
-Maybe he didn't feel able to talk with me anymore. Maybe he was scared because of my feelings, maybe he was annoyed because of my behavior. Now he made the choice to not talk to me ever again. As heartbreaking as this is for me, I have to accept that he feels happier now.

K., I know this sounds silly, but if you ever need my help again, I'm still here.

 

[FallingPetals]

Ok. Maybe I have to be more compassionate towards this guy. It's really really hard because his goodbye has made me so sad... but I want to try.

Let's think about this:
-I have beautiful memories related to this friendship. I cannot forget the first time we had a call. He was so happy he did well in a competition he was taking part in and he wanted to share this thing with me! Things may have changed lately but for some time he showed me that he cared for me and that he was happy to be a friend with me.
-I got to know him thanks to this forum. As most of the people in here (myself included, of course) he has some unsolved issues and an addiction to P. If I had just a very little part in helping him with these, I have to feel happy and proud.
The toughest part is thinking that I cannot help him anymore with this. But, if I really care for him, I have to think that he has found a way, maybe a friend, that can help him better than I could.
-Maybe he didn't feel able to talk with me anymore. Maybe he was scared because of my feelings, maybe he was annoyed because of my behavior. Now he made the choice to not talk to me ever again. As heartbreaking as this is for me, I have to accept that he feels happier now.

K., I know this sounds silly, but if you ever need my help again, I'm still here.

I wish I had any special advice to give you and or something that would make it easy for you but I don’t…

but all I can say is that I understand. I completely understand your feelings and I can relate to each and every word in this post.

With time, the pain will subside and it will get easy. Slowly, but surely. All the best.

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Guys I can't take it... I can't take it

@FallingPetals Thank you for your understanding. Don't worry. It feels nice just to know that I can tell these things to someone. I hope you're right and that I will eventually feel better...

 

[Deleted Account]

Ok. Maybe I have to be more compassionate towards this guy. It's really really hard because his goodbye has made me so sad... but I want to try.

Maybe you should be more compassionate towards yourself! Please don't let this loss of yours define yourself. People like us and dislike us for so many reasons of their own. Their decisions, their judgement, are NOT really you.

Guys I can't take it... I can't take it

Yes, you can! It hurts! God, I know how much it hurts. But at the same time I know that what now feels as the end of the world tomorrow will be just a bit more bearable. And the day after it's going to be even better.

You have the right to grieve for your loss. But don't EVER believe that it is the end of the road for you. Listen to an old fool who felt rejected and disappointed too many times in his life, who thought too many times that the world was coming to an end and every time was glad to find himself being wrong!

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Maybe you should be more compassionate towards yourself!

I would like to. I just don't know how to do it!
But I know that feeling anger towards this guy will just make everything harder.

Yes, you can! It hurts! God, I know how much it hurts. But at the same time I know that what now feels as the end of the world tomorrow will be just a bit more bearable. And the day after it's going to be even better.

Yes, I think you're right. I feel already a little better but there are waves of intense sadness coming during the days. I think that some explanation from him would have helped me a lot, but ok, it's not possible now.

For some reason, I think that, during the years, I have developed a fear of abandonment so this situation, especially from this person, was something I really didn't need at this moment of my life. But I want to stay strong and don't lose my vulnerability (I'm not contradicting myself!) now that I started being more open with others.

 

[Deleted Account]

I would like to. I just don't know how to do it!
But I know that feeling anger towards this guy will just make everything harder.

Feeling angers towards anyone is a feeling consuming YOU and nobody else. Treat yourself with the same kindness and the same compassion you would treat somebody else. Step out of yourself and think of you as someone else. Try to be as objective as possible and as fair as possible. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others!

Yes, I think you're right. I feel already a little better but there are waves of intense sadness coming during the days. I think that some explanation from him would have helped me a lot, but ok, it's not possible now.

For some reason, I think that, during the years, I have developed a fear of abandonment so this situation, especially from this person, was something I really didn't need at this moment of my life. But I want to stay strong and don't lose my vulnerability (I'm not contradicting myself!) now that I started being more open with others.

I'm glad that you feel better. This will be followed by the waves of sadness you mention. It's going to be a rough ride. But the waves will finally smooth out. I promise!

I know about the fear of abandonment you are talking about. My emotional life started with someone, I loved very much, abandoning me. It may be an irony that there's a good chance that it'll end the same way. But staying strong (though there may be times that this seems so hard to achieve) is the only way. At the same time keep believing that one day you will find what you are really looking for. And that's worth keeping that vulnerability of yours intact. Because without it, you are not the loving you any more.

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Feeling angers towards anyone is a feeling consuming YOU and nobody else.

This is true. I only blame him for not giving me another chance. He thought that ending our friendship forever was the thing to do and it didn't matter that I didn't think the same way.
I have my share of mistakes of course.
I don't understand how could I be so shaken by some of his words. Why?

And that's worth keeping that vulnerability of yours intact. Because without it, you are not the loving you any more.

You know, with this guy I have been so vulnerable, even if the only interactions we had were texts and phone calls. Maybe, I was never so vulnerable before. Too bad it had to end like this.

In two weeks I will move to another town for work. It will maybe last all summer. I'm scared that I will feel very lonely. It's the first time I will live all by myself for a time longer than 2 weeks.

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

I changed the name of this journal. I feel like writing here can help me let my thoughts out of my head, to let feelings trapped in me ease a bit.

I feel a mess. I feel like these last 3 months I have made every possible mistake and now there's just too much to handle.
I have to process what has happened between me and my friend (can I still call him like that?). I have to process that I lost him. I have to process my coming out, which didn't give me the freedom I thought. I have to process doubt. Now, I will move and I will have to process that too.

Memories of the life before March seem so beautiful. I feel like the world has changed forever now, and I feel like I don't belong. Even being addicted to P seems such a small thing now. What's happening?

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Sorry guys for my rants, if anybody is reading.

I'm not getting better. The last three days have been horrible. I cannot think of anything else.
I've never been hurt this way. And it's ironic that he said to me that he hurt me enough and that he didn't want to cause me any more trouble. Really?
I'm at my worst!
K., it would be so easy for you to make me feel a little better. Why did you have to leave like this?

I don't know what will happen now. I can't feel anything but this sadness and this anger. I just want all this to stop.

 

[FallingPetals]

Sorry guys for my rants, if anybody is reading.

Please do not apologise.
In my experience, ranting helps. When I was going through a similar phase, writing it out is what I did. so write all you want. It will help to figure your thoughts out.

The truth is that he chose to be not a part of your life. And he isn’t a part of your life anymore. It doesn’t matter what his reasons were to be honest. You cannot do anything about another person’s actions unfortunately. And for the time being, it will hurt. But if you think of it as if he never cared for you, then that is going to hurt you more. So its best to not go down that lane.

What was your life before him? Did you ever expect him to enter your life and become such a huge part of it? No, right?

It was a beautiful chapter with him, but all chapters come to an end. And it is only when old chapters come to an end, the new ones begin. You have got your whole life ahead of you. Do not close it all on one person. Do not think this is the end.

I've never been hurt this way. And it's ironic that he said to me that he hurt me enough and that he didn't want to cause me any more trouble. Really?

I know man. I relate to this a lot. But like I said, can’t do anything about anyone’s actions. Sigh.

Focus on all other positive things in your life. Focus on your goals. Cry all you want but do not let the thoughts consume you completely. This is easier said than done but I promise it gets better. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

Time heals all wounds. It really does.

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

Thank you @FallingPetals for the beautiful reply.

The truth is that he chose to be not a part of your life. And he isn’t a part of your life anymore. It doesn’t matter what his reasons were to be honest. You cannot do anything about another person’s actions unfortunately. And for the time being, it will hurt. But if you think of it as if he never cared for you, then that is going to hurt you more. So its best to not go down that lane.

Yes, you're right. Today I was chatting with a friend (who made me angry, btw. You shouldn't get mad at someone just because they're sad!) who made me think again that... it's not this guy's fault. The other day I wrote the reasons why I should be more compassionate towards him. And there's another one: HE TRIED TO HELP ME. I just couldn't accept this help, the feelings were so strong and I haven't been myself during these months.
Once again, I only blame him for leaving me this way. But I wish I could thank him for what he did. I still know how to find him on this forum, but I don't know if it is a good idea to write to him. I hope he can read this.

What was your life before him? Did you ever expect him to enter your life and become such a huge part of it? No, right?

Oh no! That came from nowhere! Actually, he was the one to reach out to me. This makes me smile.

Thank you for your words. You really seem like a wise girl!


I have to work on my internalized homophobia, btw. It's related to this, I guess.

 

[ArazzoDiGiada]

So, these days I'm feeling better. I have to thank this forum (@FallingPetals!) and that conversation that made me upset. I also have to say that, maybe, crying so much during the weekend has been a good thing.

It's crazy how giving up the anger towards the ones that make us suffer lets us feel better.
It's not that I'm perfectly fine now. There still is some sadness and painful memories, and there will be tougher days, but I want to look back and remember the good things. And be thankful for the fact that I had, for a while, such a strong connection with someone on the other half of the planet. Someone I still admire very much and who is fighting our battle too.

The other day I also went to my therapy session, which helped too. The psychologist used a very beautiful image to describe me in these months and I'm starting to feel compassion towards myself. I always want to fix things.

I don't know if I should close this thread and only use my reboot journal. I will think about it.
In the meanwhile, I still have something left. One thing to do. Can I ask you guys (not sure if there's anyone other than Falling Petals reading xD) help me do it?