It all started with an AP group - A healing journal from loss

Actually, I remembered that there's a guy who can help me. We were in the same AP group where I met K, the guy I'm talking about in this thread. I would like this guy to send K one last message by me. I know, maybe I should just let this story end, but I thought a lot about it and I think this can help me. It can help me because, after that, I will know that I did all I could and that I cannot regret anything. Let's see, I still have to decide, but I feel quite positive about that.

Anyway, I'll let this journal go on for some days still.
Yesterday has been a very good day. I have been out all day and did some of the things I enjoy and I believe are important. This made me realize how differently I would have lived this whole situation if there wasn't a pandemic going on. Every problem has been so amplified. And, in a time where physical contacts should be avoided and where most of the day is spent alone, isn't it natural to count on a friend you can only meet in the "virtual world"? The fact that he was so far away, so unknown, made me look at him as such a powerful way to escape reality. And he was so kind after all.
So yeah, I should not blame myself for the strong emotions I felt these months towards him.
Life should become a little different now. In a week I'll move in another city for my job too. I'm anxious and a little scared!

 

Both. Thinking about the whole situation, I realized that I overreacted more than once these past months. I have been too dramatic and I vomited words and words on him, trying to explain to him every little thing I was feeling. It's like I did everything by myself and ignored that on the other side there was a person with his own life and feelings, if it makes sense. It's like I felt I had the right to tell everything I wanted because I was feeling hurt.
I think I have intimidated him.
So this time I just want to send him a short message saying three things:
-thank you
-sorry
-I'm here if you want to come back.

I won't be hoping too much, anyway. In my heart, I believe this will be a final goodbye. Things have gone too far, I think. That's why I don't want to write to him directly. I have to respect his decision and I don't want to know what he will decide. If he'll decide, one day, to talk to me again, I'll know. If not, it's ok. I'll take the good memories with me and live my life.

Thank you!
Let's say this, if I survive to the big challenges awaiting, I'll surely be a stronger man. And, in any case, this will be an experience that will make this year an important one, regardless of the pandemic and the shitstorm I've been through.

 

Today I watched Luca, the Pixar movie.
Of course, I thought about my friend and I hardly held my tears in the end.
It's ok, I'll appreciate this sadness. I already do, in a sense. It reminds me that I had a very good friend.
Argh, it's hard though!

When I talk about this stuff with the people I know, they focus on the fact that it was an unrequited love. But it's not this that makes me sad. It's that I lost a friend, a very good one, even if I never met him.
Friendship is maybe the most important thing for me. I'd rather be single forever and have a good friend than viceversa. That's why it's hard. But I'll make it. I'm already making it.

 

Here I am, writing again.

So, I contacted a guy from the AP group, the AP group where "everything started", and I asked him to forward my friend K the message I wrote. He will know now that I'm here if he wants to come back. But, as @CAKCy said, I don't have to hope. Hope will only bring disappointment.
I don't believe, actually, that he will ever come back, even if I would like it.

I want to think that, whatever will happen, it will be the right thing. If he comes back, I will be happy. If not, I have to be happy knowing that it will be better this way.

 

Thank you @CAKCy for your words. I really appreciate what you have written to me.

You know what? It's not much the fact that I have been in love with him, but the fact that I lose a friend that hurts me. But there's something more. He wanted to leave, so this makes me think there's something wrong with me. Not that I consciously think I'm not good enough but it's like I'm thinking there's a problem unsolved and only if he comes back, only then I could feel that there's nothing wrong and I can find peace. I don't know if it makes sense. As I said before, it really feels like I need this situation to be fixed. He decided to not talk to me ever again, so this can't be fixed.

I've been away from home for work for a week and I will for all the summer probably. Work is a mess, I feel alone and these feelings are kicking in again. Shit!

 

Wow @CAKCy... You are so emphatic and wise. It's such a shame that you had to suffer from loneliness.
You're absolutely right. I have to wait for that hope to slowly fade away, trying to not put too much pressure in a sense or the other. Lately I'm thinking, thanks also to a conversation with another user, that I have tried to justify him too much. As you said, he wanted to leave. It's tough, but I have to accept that. And, to be kind to myself, I don't have to hope for him to come back, because, if he left like that, he was not the friend I thought. He was a friend, mind you, just not that great one I pictured in my mind.

I'm also positive that, getting used to the work and to living alone, I will feel better also about this topic. Today I'm already better than the day I wrote the last post.

 

So he came back, eventually. He came back just to disappear few days after. Just to play with my feelings one last time.
Alright, that's truly the end of this story. I wish I had been wiser but I can't change the past.
This is my last message in this thread. Thank you @FallingPetals and @CAKCy for the support. I hope to see you again here in the forum. Big hugs!

 

Uhm. Things are changed once more.
He was dating someone. Now many things can be explained.
I'm not okay, no.
I would just like some rest. Put my mind in a box and leave it there!
Can't wait for the day I will feel good.