It feels like I've been dead since 2005

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by brokenmillennial, Jul 17, 2021.

  1. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    I haven't felt true happiness or peace in over 15 years. Starting around 2005, I began to make one terrible decision after another. I'm now convinced that my worsening porn addiction helped fuel this poor decision making. Of course, I can't just blame porn, I blame myself. Throughout the second half of the 2000s and the entire 2010s, I slowly but surely lost virtually all of my friends, and girls who once showed interest in me became repulsed by me. Everybody came to realize that I wasn't the guy I used to be, I went from being pretty well-liked to nearly becoming a joke. Of course, what they didn't know was I was succumbing to a porn addiction while also abusing drugs and alcohol more and more.

    The most painful part is I have nobody to blame but myself. Because of my ego, I would always point the finger at something or someone else for my problems, including my parents. I did this for many years and still find myself wanting to do it sometimes. It's like I refuse to accept that it was me who ruined my life. It hurts so much to think how much better my life could have been had I been stronger.

    The pain and regret that I feel is intense, and no matter what I do I am always going to have to live with my mistakes. I'm sorry for going on a rant but my emotions are raw right now and I just felt like writing something. For the first time in a LONG time I am clean, and I'm feeling a lot of mental pain because of it. Before I would always mask my pain with a liquor bottle or a blunt or something else, but now it's like the emotional floodgates have opened and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

    I don't know how I'm going to proceed in the future. I want to make more friends and I wouldn't mind to date, but I don't think I'm ever going to feel worthy. If I meet someone new who I would like to be friends with or go out on a date with, I'm going to hesitate because I don't want to drag them down with me. Even now I can't really enjoy a conversation with someone, I always think to myself, "If they actually knew what a disaster you are they would laugh at you or hate you." The problem is I hate myself because I feel like a shadow of my former self, and if I can't accept myself then how can I expect anyone else to accept me? I don't think I will ever feel whole again, that's why I feel like I'm already dead.
     
  2. Don't give up, man. You're making great strides - starting to shoulder the burden of your true pain massive, don't forget it.

    In a year's time things will look different - just keep going.

    Also, even if it feels mechanical, saying positive affirmations out loud, with as much energy as you can muster, and linking them to physical movement can really help. It's true they have to become habits, but why not come up with a positive affirmation and start saying it *right now*, with energy? Then you'll have planted a seed for future action. It can't hurt!
     
    Toni7, brokenmillennial and Buddhabro like this.
  3. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    Last night was pretty intense for me but I managed to get through it. The only thing that is keeping me going is the possibility that things could be better in the future. Still, I fear that even if I manage to really turn my life around I'll never feel whole again because of my disastrous past.
     
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  4. I think about ending my life multiple times per day. I think I started having these thoughts when I failed to secure a government seat in my MBBS entrance examinations in 2013 (I am indian btw so there's a lot of cultural/societal context behind this).

    Bottom line is, all my hopes and dreams died a horrible death because of factors beyond my control. I have seen very few happy days in my life. I have decided not to marry, and even turned away 3 different girls who were into me, and my parents have now made peace with this fact.

    I don't know if I will ever do it, but I do think about it a lot. And I don't think it's a negative think, I mean I read Albert Camus' 1942 essay
    "The Myth of Sisyphus" and it helped me get over the fear that something was wrong with me. I now understand it's perfectly normal, albeit a bit rare to be this way.
     
    brokenmillennial likes this.
  5. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    We have different stories but I know all too well how it feels to want to die, it's devastating. Failure is humiliating and it really damages how you see yourself, it makes you feel worthless. I too have turned down girls who were into me, I knew if these girls knew how messed up my life was they would lose interest in me. I didn't want to have to deal with the embarrassment of them finding out I was a broken mess. I hope we're both able to move forward and begin the process of healing, I know it's not going to be easy though.
     
  6. Yup, it's true.
    Well, in my case they knew part of my demons. Although I never showed anyone all my skeletons, since I know most people just wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Why burden them with my woes, it'll only add to theirs.
    I agree. Reading a lot of Stoic literature, Absurd literature helped me calm down a bit.

    The bottom line is, there is no use crying over spilt milk. Unless we can get a time machine, it's useless to worry too much. Still, it's hard to apply it in practice.
     
    brokenmillennial likes this.
  7. Yes, but all you have to do is wait it out. It won't even take that long in caldendar terms until things calm down, and then you'll have to adjust to feeling okay about things. It's just the alchemy of patience - you're doing great, man. Just keep on keeping on.
     
    brokenmillennial and Toni7 like this.
  8. Gmork 2

    Gmork 2 Fapstronaut

    Stay offline as much as possible.
    Aim to remove yourself from these forums.
    Start running or exercising. Everyday.
    It'll be uncomfortable for a few days.
    It takes time, and it doesn't just happen overnight - but you will feel better in a week or two.
    Take your head offline and out of the digital world as much as you can.
    Work on yourself.
    Do not expect pats on the back from anywhere other than within, because that is the only validation that matters.
    Get on with it.
    You'll be fine.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2021
  9. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice and encouragement, guys. I appreciate it.
     
  10. Buddhism Is True

    Buddhism Is True Fapstronaut

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    There are no silver bullets. No magical cures. You’ve got to face yourself. The only way out is through.
     
    brokenmillennial likes this.
  11. brokenmillennial

    brokenmillennial Fapstronaut

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    Indeed
     

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