It wasn't a good journey.

If someone would tell me year ago that nofap is hard, I would punch him in the face.
If someone would tell me now that nofap is easy, I would do the same.

It all started when I lost my big streak. Those were 170 days of joy and happiness; sadness and depression. All in all - bright days, full of great things happening.
I lost my streak because I was just lazy. After taking a nap I made up a decision to take a look at porn. Why? Who knows... I was just little bit horny and really curious. Or no - other way around. Maybe wasn't curious at all, since I gave porn industry good 6 years of myself being tortured by this fucking addiction.
I lost it by barely touching my penis. I just touched it like 3 times, then boom... Things happened. Yeah, it was wack.
I walked to work in a good mood, which was weird (?).
I kind of didn't like the idea of the relapse, but somewhere deep down inside I felt that this relapse would take me bit further, since I was stagnatic, I didn't use my energy well enough and maybe I had to re-learn thing or two. So I started again. And here things slide down real bad. I relapsed the same day, destroyed my phone and was left with another one. Guess what happened later? Yes, a relapse.
I wasn't pleased. I was pissed to death. In March (month after the big relapse) I cut my hair and started again. I did pretty good to be honest, but then again... A relapse.
I destroyed my second phone and yeah... Good 56 days of nofap, but then I relapsed without a phone and that's when I knew that I stepped on another mine and recovery will be longer, since there wasn't even porn. Just imagination and fapping.
For good time I would avoid it but when summer happened, I just lost it. Gave up like a little bitch. Started smoking (still doing it, but will quit, I just know it) again after stopping for 2 years and even drank a bit, even tho I had stopped doing it. Some weed, some chill, hot dogs, cigarettes, shitty diet and fucking pleasing myself with plastic joys like shitty foods, porn, cigs, alcohol, weed, stupid fantasies, fast driving and doing really stupid things.

It was like a black cloud on top of my head. Rain was heavy. I got used to it. The storm of depression would pass, but then another one - more intense would appear.

I remember jerking off 3 times a day and then thinking about suicide. It was the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. Many bad things have happened to me, but this was just top notch pain.

After all the pain, depression, shitty moments I felt like warmth and strenght again is within me.
No, I haven't stopped eating shitty foods, I still smoke, but(!)... I won't drink. I will fight porn just like I used to but with new power, knowledge. Things always change and strength of mine increases. So, yeah... No matter how bad it gets - you can always get out of there unless you don't want to.

Days were dark and painful, but I'm slowly coming back. Good luck to everyone in flatlines, depressing times - may your Gods bless you.

 

Man, seriously... Last times I watched P, I would just not want it, I just... I don't know. I just couldn't stand it all at all. Like, I hated even the orgasm.