It's About Time

Hello,

So I've been trying NoFap for a little more than a year now, about the same time I started college. I've been using porn for about 7 years ever since middle school. I never really thought of it as a serious problem until now, at college I'm pretty unsupervised and I find myself not studying for finals and such. Porn doesn't really affect me in a direct way but I know it changes who I am on the inside, like I still have a great life at a great school with many great friends, but I know I can be doing better and that eats you on the inside. I've sort of grown up a perfectionist and it's helped and harmed me, like if I fail a streak I can tend to go down a rabbit hole of resets.

I am able to talk to girls but I would like to be closer to people in general and more vulnerable in my relationships, it's hard to open up to people when you're hiding a secret from the world. Porn disconnects you from reality, it makes me not care about the people or responsibilities in my life and I tend to disappear from others for days at a time. Who knows what opportunities I've already lost out on.

I also feel like porn and college stress has started to raise my anxiety to an unhealthy level, my heart bumps and I can get really scared in harmless scenarios. If I'm hanging out with friends and everyone's laughing and having fun, I can join in but I have to stop my body from shaking. It's because of the huge disconnect between my mind, which lives in guilt and self hate, and the image I project to others. One time I had multiple tests and essays due and had to attend a movie premiere, I was so nervous of relapsing I couldn't even write my name on the essay to submit.

I know college is an important time to set your career, friends, and interests so I want to be fully in these moments, quitting porn is a big part of that because I don't want to miss these years.

Since August I've been making small improvements each month, I keep track using Fortify, but recently I've been losing hope and slipping terribly. I'm hoping I can join this community but also put in effort to take care of myself and rejoin the effort towards sobriety.

Some fun facts about me: I like Film, Jazz, and all things Disney

 

Thank you!

 

I am here to connect with fellow fighters and learners. I hope to document my story as well as learn from those farther down the road. I thirst for a sound mind.

My goal is 20 days to get me to the next month, then I'll reset my goal from there. If I fall, I will set the goal again.

Thank you for your support