It's all or nothing...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by R0bot, Feb 22, 2020.

  1. R0bot

    R0bot Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    I'm trying to stop PMO and was reading stories from this website for a while in order to help me remember I'm not the only one in this situation and what I sometimes feel is just normal steps on my journey.
    However, I also believe my situation is particular and I now feel the need to post my own thread.

    I'm 38 years old and have been in a relationship for almost 15 years, I am now married and I have two daughters.
    As many of you I've started MO when I was a teenager, then discovered P (thank you Internet). When I think about it, I realize it became an addiction very quickly.
    Because I'm a christian, I tried to stop several times but never succeeded.
    But a couple months ago, I started to be a lot more serious about it. As many of you, I wanted to stop because of my religion, because I wanted to gain control on myself, because I didn't want to be my body/brain's slave anymore, and because I felt bad hiding it from my wife.
    Until now, I guess this is all pretty common.

    However, I also want to get sex out of my life. Completely.
    I've decided that I don't want to have sex anymore. So my challenge will not be PMO but PMOS.

    I've started my PMOS challenge on 08th November 2019. It lasted 48 days, then I failed several times. But I started again and I'm now on day 42 and I'm stronger than ever.
    I start my own thread today. I thought about for a while but I felt really depressed yesterday so maybe today is a good day to share my story with you.
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’m confused... are you still married? Your wife is ok with no sex?
     
  3. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    not a good idea, you should talk to your wife first.
     
  4. R0bot

    R0bot Fapstronaut

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    She would be if I told her about it. But I won't.
    Don't misunderstand me. I value communication. But about this specific subject I'm just done trying to talk about it. It's just no use and leads to arguing and anger.
    I don't want to go into details about our couple situation because it is private I know she wouldn't like it.
    But to answer your question I can tell you this : sex is not important for her. I quote her : "Sex is for procreation, nothing else."
    For several years, we were having sex every two months more or less. Not it's "up to" every 2-3 weeks. But when we do, it's as minimalist and fast as possible. Clearly she doesn't enjoy it.
    I've tried many things during these 15 years to solve this issue. Now I'm done.
    The situation is simple : I, like other man, need sex in my life and in my couple. My wife doesn't like sex, she probably never will.
    I believe it is easier to change ourselves than to change other people. So I will change myself.
    This is how I came to this conclusion : Even though I know sex is important in a couple, even though it makes me just mad to think I'm deprived of it for the rest of my life, even though I don't know the impact it will have on my couple, this is the right thing to do.
    It has been only frustration until now. I have to be realistic and take the logical decision.


    I suppose I explained here above why this is not a good idea.
     
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Ah... well you know your wife better than anyone. Is she strict catholic? My husbands mom is of the same mindset. I can say, as the higher libido spouse, that you can have a marriage without sex. You come to terms with it. Does your wife know about your pmo?
     
  6. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    sounds pretty shitty to me, but if you love her that much than maybe it could work.
    giving up sex takes a toll on you though, especially when its a very normal thing in marriage.
    does she not enjoy sex with you? how did you two wind up together?
     
  7. R0bot

    R0bot Fapstronaut

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    Well the irony is that she isn't catholic at all. I am catholic, she isn't.
    My wife doesn't know about my PMO. She doesn't have to know. According to what she once told me, she doesn't want to know. At least she doesn't want to know about MO. She certainly would be upset about P.
    But I am know solving the problem so there's no point in upsetting her now.

    I do love her. It is so weird. I hate so many things about her, but I love her.
    But truly loving someone is about accepting the qualities and flaws. No matter what she does or how she is and how much it sometimes pisses me off, she is still the same women I chose to marry. And our marriage was God's will. There's nothing I can question about it.
    She does not enjoy sex with me. For all I know, she doesn't enjoy sex at all. I know she went trough a lot before meting me (and after). Some things I know, some things I don't. There are things she won't tell me or anyone. Communication is certainly a big issue.
    You ask how we did wind up together.
    When we met and became a couple, she pretend a lot of things. We had a normal sex life for a couple months for example.
    By the time I understood the truth, I was already in love, and I also thought we could solve the problem together.
    I'm still in love but I lost hope.
    Sex is only about frustration disillusion and anger. There's a lot of anger from my side. I feel like I've been tricked, and I'm pissed that she knows how bad I feel about it and she won't do anything anyway.
    Taking the decision to get sex out of my life, because the decision will come from me, I will be able to leave this anger behind.

    I've read many stories here that are more or less similar to mine. It strengthens in the idea that there is nothing to do and my decision is the best. She is who she is. The only thing I really can blame her about is to have been dishonest in the beginning.
     
    ahighertruth likes this.
  8. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    You sound like a very good person. Hope it all works out for you.
     
  9. R0bot

    R0bot Fapstronaut

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    It's been 52 days now without P or M, and 24 days without S.
    It's a win, definitely. I'm going for the 90 days challenge just to have a new goal. It's not really necessary but I'm more efficient when I have a goal.
    The dark side of this story is my relationship with my wife.
    Cutting S out of my life means I try not to see her as sexually attractive. This makes a huge difference.
    I've always considered that S was the special moment shared by wife and husband. I mean, I can kiss my kids, have special attentions to my family, hug my friends, even live with a roommate.
    But S is only (from my point of view at least) for lovers. It's the only thing you can't do with anyone else.
    Now if I remove this from our couple, I don't feel like we're still a couple. We're more like co-workers running this family and raising our kids.
    I don't feel the need to be seductive or attractive or anything anymore.
    And even though I've decided to ban all sex activities from my life, it's still what I think about before sleeping and as soon as I'm awake.
    There are only two possibilities :
    - S is really that important in a relationship and we'll have to adapt, knowing that something necessary will always be missing and our relationship as a couple will never be complete
    - I am having a problem and an unhealthy point of view on S. I'm giving too much importance to it.

    I'm hoping the second possibility is the truth. So this decision I made would be a very good thing.

    Apart that, I feel generally depressed and lack of energy. I find it difficult to have motivation for anything. But I keep going.
     
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I believe that of your 2 possibilities both are true. I also find it interesting that in the beginning of your relationship sex was” normal”. So what changed for your wife? Has she ever said why that changed. Perhaps, because of your pmo, how you approached her for sex changed or how you engaged her during sex changed and then she began to feel disgust for it?. It is not uncommon at all for this to happen. As my husband got older, his use definitely changed how he was in bed. He didn’t see it. He didn’t see a lot when he was using.
     
  11. R0bot

    R0bot Fapstronaut

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    I'm pretty sure she pretended to have an active sex life to be sure I would not leave (even though I've never said on insinuated that I would). She just did what she had to do to keep me.
    I think she even told me that but I'm not sure. But she did other stuff like that at the beginning of our relationship, like pretending she liked my kind of music (which she actually hates).
    I don't think my PMO was the problem. She never knew about that. And regarding my sex life I really was a newbie.
    She also told me she had the same situation in her previous relationship. But at that time we had no problem (it was at the beginning) so I was pretty much happy to hear that and I thought it was because the guy wasn't treating her well.
    Honestly, I gave up on solving this issue. My only option is to destroy it.
     
  12. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

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    Hi R0bot, your situation sounds a lot like mine. My wife has not been passionate about sex for almost 20 years. Many reasons from her side, none from mine. I still love her and we have a family to raise. After that, who knows. The goal is not marriage but love and respect.

    When I look at people my age around me, I see a lot of the same stories. It's at this age that we reconsider things. Who we are with, how we live, who we want to be. If dreams did not come true, will we give it another shot?

    I understand you don't tell your wife about the PMO addiction. I did tell my wife a few months after I quit p and have mixed feelings about wether I should have told her. I expected support from her but got an angry, traumatised wife. This in itself was an extra stimulus to never look at p again but maybe I could have had the same result if I had not told her. And not have traumatised her. But it does feel good to not have secrets. I'm not a secrets person.

    Will write some more later, have to go now.
     
  13. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Catching up on some journals and I can relate to some of this but not all.

    I would have a hard time knowing my wife was purposely hiding her interest in sex at first only to show here true self later. I don't *think* that's the case for me, but when your wife's libido is gone, one does wonder.....I guess for me the wonder is was I thinking her sex drive was higher than it really was. I know she enjoyed sex. Not sure that makes understanding any easier though, as she's not even willing to consider enjoying it now.

    Good luck in your reboot. Rather than trying to push sex out of your life completely, try to just gain full control of it. Then take those times she is open as a gift from an imperfect spouse.

    You sound committed to the relationship so that's my best advice. It's what I'm trying to do as well (as long as I can), but it's hard when sex is important to you and it's something to "get finished quickly".

    I'd also tell her about the porn use. Simply because if you can't have the closeness of good physical intimacy you should try for good emotional intimacy. I always looked at / listened too married couples talking about how close they were and how great marriage was. I'm now realizing that this IS possible but it takes work and vulnerability. Just like porn is a shallow imitation of real sex, living in a marriage without vulnerability is a shallow imitation of what marriage can be.

    And, being honest, I'd want an apology if I was lied to in courting so I could forgive and move on. You can forgive without the acknowledgement but it helps.
     
  14. PaulPaul

    PaulPaul Fapstronaut

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    Faceplanter has some good points. But about the 'lying', I don't think women (or men) consciously lie at the beginning of a relationship. We were young and did not know ourselves very well. Then we grow older, we learn about ourselves and find out real life isn't a Disney story. I understand feeling cheated and an apology can help to close an issue. The next step would be to find a way to make things work, knowing who we are, honest and truthful.

    Can we get sex out of our life? I'm sure we can, many people do. Not just elderly people. I think it's about leaving behind a young, sexy mindset and self image and growing into a new mindset and self image.

    It's another question if it is the right solution to the problem. This is highly personal so I can't and won't advice you about that. All I have is my own experience and even though my marriage is broken and our sexlife is nearly absent, I think it would be a negative move to get sex out of our lives. I have no expectations but leave the door open.

    Whatever you do, getting p out of your life will make it so much easier. P is like cocaine to your sex drive. Give it time to get it out of your body and mind. Few years from now you will be much more relaxed about the whole thing.
     
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