Im even contemplating going back to drugs. I've messed up my whole life as far as I can remember, but what really hit me hard was when the only person who showed me love died when I was young. No one else in my family ever gave me love like my mother and I suffered so much anxiety afterward I wasn't ever normal again. That was 17 years ago and since I've always fell in love with women who showed attraction towards me. The curse was I never even had the confidence to get them. Girls would flirt with me even in high school, but it would always be subtle flirting and I never had the energy to approach them. It never really hit me until I fell in love with this girl in college, and she made it obvious that she liked me. I blame my addictions for why I got scared and neglected her so many years. Even when I approached her, weed made me paranoid to the point I couldn't talk to her again. I was born with a curse man and it even made me addicted to drugs and porn. I masturbated 8x a day in college sometimes, and just went out like a mess. Whenever I like a girl I'd get stiff and couldn't talk to her. Ive dated only girls who've approached me first for that reason. I even saw this girl in February with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen and she blushed at me and I didn't approach her. Now that the world is coming to an end, and society has rebuild I find myself waking every day with anxiety wondering if my life will ever be as joyous as the days I've had my mother. I really believe if you have a mother or father or even brothers that show you unconditional love you probably have enough to get by in life. I don't have anything. I want to kill myself but even that takes a lot of confidence.