Its hard to deal with this pain...

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ahighertruth, Jun 18, 2020.

  1. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    Im even contemplating going back to drugs. I've messed up my whole life as far as I can remember, but what really hit me hard was when the only person who showed me love died when I was young. No one else in my family ever gave me love like my mother and I suffered so much anxiety afterward I wasn't ever normal again. That was 17 years ago and since I've always fell in love with women who showed attraction towards me. The curse was I never even had the confidence to get them. Girls would flirt with me even in high school, but it would always be subtle flirting and I never had the energy to approach them. It never really hit me until I fell in love with this girl in college, and she made it obvious that she liked me. I blame my addictions for why I got scared and neglected her so many years. Even when I approached her, weed made me paranoid to the point I couldn't talk to her again. I was born with a curse man and it even made me addicted to drugs and porn. I masturbated 8x a day in college sometimes, and just went out like a mess. Whenever I like a girl I'd get stiff and couldn't talk to her. Ive dated only girls who've approached me first for that reason. I even saw this girl in February with the most beautiful smile I've ever seen and she blushed at me and I didn't approach her. Now that the world is coming to an end, and society has rebuild I find myself waking every day with anxiety wondering if my life will ever be as joyous as the days I've had my mother. I really believe if you have a mother or father or even brothers that show you unconditional love you probably have enough to get by in life. I don't have anything. I want to kill myself but even that takes a lot of confidence.
     
  2. drac16

    drac16 Fapstronaut

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    Do you have any friends?
     
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  3. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

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    I’ve only just joined the forums, only 3rd day avoiding PMO so I’m no expert here I’m afraid. What I would say to you, as a man of some experience is that killing yourself should never be an option. Contrary to it taking confidence as you say, I would strongly argue that it can often seem the easier option to facing your demons and problems in life.
    Could you not research some hobbies or volunteer work that would occupy your time in a positive way and allow you to socially interact with people? I would also suggest that if you could or would find some time to do this that you take all pressure off of yourself and tell yourself that this hobby or work is to be your safe time away from your stresses and worries. Whoever you socialise with in this role, even if it is a drop dead gorgeous lady, is to be viewed in a totally non sexual way and purely as a colleague or friend?
    All of the above may not be for you but if it were genuinely a choice between making a small effort to occupy your time and live your life more positively or look at suicide...I’d try the first option first...what have you got to lose?
     
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  4. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    no
     
  5. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    this advice would have worked before the years of porn and weed abuse. i was doing fine when i first got off in college, i had a few friends who were girls could easily talk to a girl i liked and had a good group of friends. then i met a drug dealer at a party and everything went down hill. i have a highly addictive personality so i was smoking weed and masturbating daily for the entirety of college. lost all my friends, abandoned those who tried to help, and got into a lot of trouble with the law. im 31 now JOBLESS and Single and living with my dad. I don't know how to change this, and i've tried numerous times. I keep thiniing about everything I've done wrong, the people i've hurt, and the chances I foregone. The only thing saving me from suicide is the amount of pain it would bring to my father who even mentioned it to me himself. I really am helpless and I try so hard to stop masturbating but then I get panic attacks due to my life situations and its the only thing I got left.
     
  6. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Are you in an AP group? Or any group?
     
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  7. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    AP group?
     
  8. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Accountability partners
     
  9. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    nah i wish i did
     
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  10. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    There's also a lot of recovery meetings of different kinds.
     
  11. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    The drugs, porn, masturbation, thoughts of suicide, reminiscing about the old days, having a victim mentality, and the avoidance of the girls are all self sabotage so that you can avoid emotional volatility. It's all to avoid uncertainty, discomfort, risk, and fear. Basically every time you start to feel something you seek to numb it. You're looking for completion and comfort. Suicide is the ultimate form of that (no more negative experiences, but also no more positive experiences). Avoiding life via the drugs / porn / masturbation is like trying to be as dead as possible while still being alive.

    Relationships require risks. It requires uncertainty, discomfort, effort, and pain. If you want the potential positive experiences, you have to be willing to have the potential negative experiences as well. Avoiding the negative has also closed you off from the positive. Self preserving via focusing on the past and avoid the present is also self imprisonment. You can't put up walls to avoid the negative because it also keeps out the positive.

    Your mother's unconditional love was a great thing, but it also did you harm in terms of giving you the attitude that you can have the positive without the negative. Without taking risks. Without allowing the possibilities of pain.

    What you're doing right now is dabbling. You open up a tiny bit, then you get half assed results, then you use those negative experiences as an excuse to close yourself off from the world even more. It's a downwards spiral of self sabotage.

    The world coming to an end is just another excuse on top of your already pre existing mountain of excuses as to why you should avoid living your life. Stop using your mother as a go to excuse whenever you're faced with uncertainty. Stop using drugs or wallowing in self pity whenever there's a potential for pain. That might be comfortable in the short term, but highly uncomfortable and damaging to your life in the long run. Whereas facing uncertainty / pain / risks / undesired outcomes are uncomfortable in the short term, but highly transformative and empowering in the long run.
     
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  12. You wish you were in an AP group? There are AP groups literally two clicks away on this site. Get a fucking grip, man.
     
  13. Noted! This is a good, inspirational post.
     
  14. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    Bro , love can't be given. It is a gift you give to yourself.
    Please start exercising and meditation and u will be surprised by the changes.
    Killing yourself is selfish.
    The world needs you.
     
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  15. Izdubar

    Izdubar New Fapstronaut

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    Well I know how hard that can be…
    But let me give some advice
    Please don’t make your life only about finding someone to love there is more to life being loved, love is just a secondary thing that even if you weren’t looking for it, it will find its way somehow to you.
    learn from your mistake we all do that at least thats one part of being a human…
    Good luck
     
  16. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    Ok I feel like we need some female tenderness under this post. I got you. I just wanted to tell you that you are seen and loved by God. No matter how your life is at the moment. You are driven by fear but love casts all fear out. Don’t tell me you’re not loved because you are. And our job is to love others first, so tells the Bible. If we understand that we’re loved by God we can love others. It’s as easy as that. Look, we as humans often have this expectation what others should do. But we rather should be thinking: ‘What can I do for others? Even if it’s small.’. Otherwise we’re living self centered.

    And i don’t agree with the previous comment. Love IS indeed important. We have a saying in Germany: “Time heals all wounds.” But the truth is that love heals all wounds. The love God loves us with which is Agape love- a love that loves without expecting anything back. Some guys on here can’t even understand what you’re going through since they might never have experienced that kind of pain but I do.
    „But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.“
    ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭9:12‬ ‭KJV‬‬
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2020
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  17. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. It hurts me because i have pre-teen kids and knowing that they are gonna live in such a sick society scares me to death.
     
  18. The kind of love you're talking about comes from a place of strength, and to have that kind of strength, you have to build yourself up first, otherwise you end up giving what you don't have, which will leave you burnt out and resentful.

    And you're not the only one who knows pain. I don't think people come to a recovery website without having reached rock bottom.
     
  19. Daxos

    Daxos Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you need 2 things: NoFap and a radical shift in your own perception and that of the world.
    NoFap will give you amazing boosts to your energy, willpower and motivation. This will make you want to approach girls and act on your thoughts. That is your number 1 action right now: do noFap.
    As a second, you should find a way or belief that will help you cope with your reality. I've come to accept my belief that the world is a place of chance and that ultimately nothing really matters. We live to die, and what we do does not really matter. This belief, somehow, actually gives me strength, motivation and the will to actually make something of my life. How? I don't know. Maybe because it takes the pressure of off me. When you take everything so serious and put value on everything that happens, you will probably feel a lot of pressure. But when you are of the belief that nothing matters in the end (and it doesn't), then you can forgive yourself easily and move on. This has helped me a lot in recent weeks since my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

    Come to see your emotions as just a state of mind. It is a temporary phase (unless you feed it), and it will pass. The acceptance that it is just a feeling gives you more power. It lets you take back control much quicker than to let your emotions take you over.
     
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