It's like i'm possessed

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ultrafabber, Oct 26, 2018.

  1. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I mean even tough i am religious I never did believe or believe in possessions and demons and the likes. I believe we have our own free will and just saying "demons" undermines that.

    However, i am also addicted to porn/masturbation/sex fantasizing. This is the one thing i have been battling with for years and still can't shake. When i'm on streaks it's absolutely amazing and I feel like an entirely different person. When I crash and binge, i feel horrible. Probably most of you are familiar with that.

    What fascinates me is my state prior to a relapse and the complete switch that happens from the "normal me" that doesn't pmo, that's present, relatively happy, goal oriented etc and the "other me" that watches all kinds of filth and does things the "normal" me finds disgusting. After the binge, when the fog lifts, i'm like, what tf did I do?

    When i am on a streak and I get the cue, it's like my mind stops working and if i don't quickly shut the thoughts down completely it goes into a spiral i can not control. I forget why I started it, i forget what i said i'd do when i get the urge, I forget my own values, I forget my own solid logical reasoning for not doing it, everything flies out the window.

    Which is why i mentioned "possessed" in the title. Now i know i'm not actually possessed but "possessed" describes the feeling, the transformation, the acting out etc better than and psychological terms could.

    Psychology wise this is tangent to some sort of multiple personality disorder (disociative disorder). I say tangent because there's so many commonalities to MDP, but none are "full blown". The split is there, but not to such an extent.

    That's why it feels so weird to say it and i know it's not the case, but even if MDP sort of describes it academically, "being possessed" describes it better on an intuitive level.
     
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  2. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    Well, I don't know much about multiple personality disorders, but as you mentioned religion and the concept of free will, that really is part of the answer. If it were easy to make the right decision, that wouldn't be free will. You'd practically be a God-programmed robot, making right decision after right decision. While it's great to do the right thing, the idea is that you need to make that decision on your own. Which brings us to the actual moment of decision: At that moment, both options - good and bad - look perfectly tangible to you. If you made the bad choice, then later you may feel bad about. But at that moment of decision you felt alright about it - because that's how the reality of free will works.
     
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  3. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    This is a very nice answer, thank you. I guess you are right, and this even more frustrating for me since I am at a moment in time in which i do have both options very clearly defined. Unlike before, when I was uncertain if the good one was 100% good and the bad one 100% bad, for some months now it is black and white but I still fail. I mean, i failed for years and years because i was not sure, now i'm sure but i still messed up.

    I do notice that moment of decision actually and it's at that moment when it is true - i still have a choice and chose to do it. Or rather... chose not to snap out of something that I know will lead me to relapsing.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2018
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  4. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    Based on what other people have written, as you progress with your reboot, you'll get better at make the right choice. Same as in every life challenge. What we all need is some experience, which can only be gained by sweating through everything.
     
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  5. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    I actually had 60+ days and I know it gets much easier to say no. I've been to the other side so to speak. I have all the information i know. I guess making an effort and fighting against it is what i shy away from. The first 2 weeks are the hardest.
     
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  6. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    There's something in the reality we live in, in this current age that has dried up our will to pick ourselves up and work hard for the right things. We often don't have the will to make an effort to fight for a better life.
     
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  7. Unlike yourself I am not religious, but reading this I definitely agree. When I am horny as fuck its like someone is controlling my body for the time being, then its back like nothing ever happened. Back to my "normal-not-a-horny-perverted-bastard" self. It's quite the discussion to be honest.
     
  8. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    The Bible - Romans 7:14-24 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

    14 We know that the Law is spiritual. But I am merely a human, and I have been sold as a slave to sin. 15 In fact, I don’t understand why I act the way I do. I don’t do what I know is right. I do the things I hate. 16 Although I don’t do what I know is right, I agree that the Law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them.

    18 I know that my selfish desires won’t let me do anything that is good. Even when I want to do right, I cannot. 19 Instead of doing what I know is right, I do wrong. 20 And so, if I don’t do what I know is right, I am no longer the one doing these evil things. The sin that lives in me is what does them.

    21 The Law has shown me that something in me keeps me from doing what I know is right. 22 With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. 23 But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do. 24 What a miserable person I am. Who will rescue me from this body that is doomed to die?
    _________________________________________________________________________________________________

    The passage of scripture (above) was written by the Apostle Paul to the Christian congregation in Rome, Italy. It is quite the confession to make in an epistle to be read out publicly before them all isn't it? Clearly, he was humbled by a recurring problem that enslaved him. He doesn't specify, but as a single man, might it have been masturbation? We do not know, but it would certainly fit with the posts so far in this thread.
    In respect to the psychiatric condition, Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder), this does not explain the phenomena we experience when trying to abstain from masturbating to porn. A person with DID is unaware of the alternative state(s) they experience. It is, in fact, a coping mechanism that kicks in following trauma.

    I believe demon possession is 'a thing', linked to unwise use of the occult. But this is not the case with pursuing NoFap. Rather, what we are experiencing is the "hijacking" of the pre-frontal cortex by the limbic system. Within the limbic system are the reward circuits - fuelled by, yeah, dopamine. The urges and craving created within that system can be so overwhelming as to temporarily render the logic of the pre-frontal cortex redundant. It takes a great effort of will to maintain executive control over our desires when they flare up. I also believe the key to victory is to intercept or "nip in
    the bud"
    any thought, image, activity that will eventually cause this hijack scenario to develop. That is my take on it. :)
     
  9. MatthewGrün

    MatthewGrün Fapstronaut

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    Your post is exactly what I believe and endure. More than that, it is too much to discuss in these posts.
     
  10. newman_unleashed

    newman_unleashed Fapstronaut

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    As mentioned by @Kamakiri, the posession you speak of is simply the dopamine flowing in our brains and hijacking the decision center. We ignore higher reason once we start to act out. It is completely chemical. I am deeply religious, but studies have shown that the chemicals really do affect in this way, and once they do, moral reasoning usually loses the battle.

    The only way to overcome this is to avoid all material and action that produces these unnatural dopamine spikes. It is diificult and requires a lot of sacrifice and planning. With time, the mind will reset and the triggers will become fewer and weaker. Then the "autopilot" moments will not happen as before.
     

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