Its my birthday and I cried :(

Hello,

This is the first time this has ever happened with me. I have been dealing with loneliness and depression since a few months. I had to shut down my business due to Covid and I have never been able to get back on my feet ever since, though I have tried multiple times and failed miserably.

Now today is my 31st birthday, and this is the first time in my life I am truly sad and upset. I have been having miserable thoughts since a few months. I got the occasional calls from friends and other people but they are just people who just call me once a year to "wish" me and then just disappear away till the next year. I feel like I have lost hope and do not have the will to do anything in my life.

I have tried reading books (used to love to read books especially classics like Charles Dickens, Conan Doyle, Victor Hugo), exercising and meditating but all these things are not helping me anymore like they used to before. I don't know what to do. I tried picking up some new hobbies like playing Chess but that only interested me for a month. The only will left in my mind are thoughts of PMO and the urge to jerk off to porn, but I have always felt pretty bad and guilty afterwards, once the act is done. 2 days back I broke my 55 day streak and for a while it felt good, but after a few minutes I was feeling miserable again.

My brain is totally fogged and lost at the moment. I can't seek professional help here cause its not available where I live.

 

I deeply appreciate from the bottom of my heart your advice brother. Well as for friends, none of them live in my local city, they used to but now they have a job and gotten married and moved on with their next phase of life. We hardly talk with each other, like I said, only on birthdays. I tried to get in touch with them a few months back by calling them more on a regular basis but they were busy with their own goings on in life and I got some "cold shoulders" vibes from them. So I decided to leave them be.

I am focusing on concentrating more on my hobbies to keep myself busy but that only seems to help me in the short run. Maybe that's what I currently need at the moment. To feel better in the short turn atleast till the bad times pass away. But I slowly lose hope when my thoughts spiral out. Yes, I do believe God tests us during the worst of times but sometimes it gets really hard.

Thanks for the wishes brother, I know people on this forum are the only ones who have the best intentions of their fellow members at heart I will treat myself to something for you alone

 

Thanks friend, doing my best.

 

Thanks man. I feel like one day at a time is the only solution for living like this. That's a relief to know I am not the only one who has spent birthdays alone.

 

Thanks a lot, it really means so much to me

 

I won't wish loneliness upon my worst enemy. I do my best to help people from time to time. But it looks like I have to do more to get happiness from it. Thanks for your wishes and the hug brother

 

Thanks a lot my good friend, I really need some strength in my life right now because I am not doing good

 

Thanks a lot my good friend

 

I 100% agree with you there. I feel that those days when everyone could concentrate on their own personal development are slowly starting to diminish in providing any long term improvements. God knows I have tried so hard like I stated. I used to read a lot, exercise and meditate and I felt good and content. But now, since my loneliness and depression has started to slowly kick in, nothing interests me anymore. Sometimes I am surprised by how much my mental state has changed and the person I have become even when I never wanted to change. I have become a shell of my past existence. I am ready to be a part of the community where we can all contribute to each other and just be there for each other.

 

That's a great idea. If you do start it let me know and I'll be more than happy to be a part of it.