It's never a Weakness to ask for Help.

Hi guys. I am new here. Just call me Randy. It's time. I'm 26, fast approaching 27 and life ain't slowing down. I am sick and tired of being in my own porn prison. It's time to break free, with the help of the Almighty, my willpower and this awesome community. I am positive but I know this isn't going to be easy. For the hardest battles lie within ourselves.

A bit about my porn addiction story. I have been addicted to porn since I was about 14. It started off innocently by looking at dirty magazines that were smuggled in by the kids on the playground and it was the "cool thing to do and make you a man to look at". This quickly spiralled into image-based fapping on portable devices. Then images turn into videos. I used to convince myself saying "As long as I don't watch hardcore or other penises, I won't become addicted to the sex element of it and it won't really be relatable to me" so I used to watch Lesbian porn all the time. Then as the brain wanted more, Lesbians turned into two girls one guy scenarios and then eventually escalated to full on hardcore filth. By this point, I was well and truly lost! I have wasted so many hours. Days. Weeks. Years. Of my life. Watching this crap. I haven't gained anything from it. Actually questioning my physicalities and ability as a man, when all of these thoughts stem from what I am seeing on screen. Thinking this is what women want, because of their reactions, that its ok to treat humans this way. When the reality is I'm trying to escape into something I don't have full awareness of. Due to religious reasons I am a virgin, and this, as you can imagine, becomes increasingly more of a trial as you mature into your late twenties. Marriage is on the cards now. And I really DESPERATELY need to align my focus elsewhere. I do not want this to impact my future in anyway shape or form. I want to view women as humans not just pieces of meat with fake assets. I notice as I have grown up, I disregard normal "average-looking" women that are perfectly created, and idolise the models with the curvy shapes and figures - because that's what I have hardwired my brain to think "that's my type". This is why I have come here. I know I have a serious problem. This addiction started as videos, till recently it's actually gone to indulging in webcams models now I have wasted ALOT of time doing this and it's impacting my working days now, in terms of my energy and motivation. Every time I relapse, the addiction gets stronger. I am fearing if I don't take charge now, I am doomed. Only today, I watched a porn video that "encouraged the duration of when to ejaculate", like this is some sort of game. What the heck am I doing? This has gone way too far now. This community is my last hope.

My longest streak of abstinence has been 65 days. It was a record for me, and then stupidly I went back to the habit with the thought "just one time won't hurt" and then we are back to the same scenario of fapping about for stupid amounts of times late into the night, only to feel like dirt afterwards. And those images flicker through the day, ruining my focus, all because I let it! As you can hopefully sense, I am sick of it. And this is a cry for help. What I have noticed over the years of stopping and starting are the patterns. I will rid porn for a good month, maybe even three if I am lucky. Then I will start to have erections. Wet dreams. Dream of women I can't have. And then turn to Babestation or something similar and convince myself "it's not actual porn". Ofcourse it is! It all ulitmately leads to same road. Which is porn. It's so evil I can't stand it!

Anyway. That's me. I have been brutally honest. I am not proud of my experiences and my story. But its never too late to change. God hasn't given up on me yet! As long as I'm alive and breathing I can still change. Please help me on this journey NoFap.

R.

 

@Septimus thanks for your reply! Feeling like I am part of a bigger change here.So thankful this website exists. I will try my best. I have to.

 

Thanks so much for your reply! Since that post I have been on this daily, like another addiction lol. THe difference is, I feel like I am actually getting somewhere. Everytime I have the urges, I log onto here instead and just read and engage. Its helping so much. And comments like this are exacly what I need. Yes. I need to be comfortable with the fact that I am NEVER gonna watch porn or M again. And that... right now. Sounds impossible. But with this community. I believe I can. I can. I can. I will check out your post later. Thanks again man!