It's now or never

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by king-boo, Jan 29, 2020.

  1. king-boo

    king-boo New Fapstronaut

    Hi all,

    New to this forum and at day 4.
    I'm 27 and have been with my wife now for nearly 8 years (nearly 2 married) and I have had a problem with PMO throughout our whole relationship.

    I cant count how many times she has caught me and I have promised I would change, every time I stop for a few weeks and then go back again. I need to stop this not only to save my marriage but to save myself, my urges control me and stop me from focusing on the important things in life.

    She has decided that we need to take a break and separate for a while and I'm worried I will never get her back. I'm scared to lose her and feel my actions have put the breaks on our relationship, when only recently we were talking about having children.

    I really struggle with expressing myself to her, I can never tell her how I feel and that upsets her. She tells me that my PA makes her feel like I dont love her and I find her unattractive, I tell her that's not true, I think she is beautiful and my PA isn't anything to do with how I feel about her. I know she doesnt believe me or understand that I'm addicted and cant control it.

    I've been messaging people online which i think is her biggest problem with all of this, she hates that I talk dirty with others and says that's all she can think about when we're intimate.

    So we're taking a break and having some space from one another, I'm currently sleeping on the sofa and the last few days have been arguments about my PA which has been difficult emotionally and physically.

    I have started a journal today and will be closing all my accounts down on kik, reddit etc. I'm hoping that writing will help me express how I feel better and possibly find some root causes to my PA and would love to get some advice and hear others experiences throughout the journey. I will be going hard mode as any physical relationship is currently out of the question, but I think this may be the best way to go.

  2. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

    Hello and welcome, good luck with your journey and with saving your relationship.

    I think for many people crossing from just been a viewer of porn to being active participant (messaging etc.) is a difficult one to deal with.

    My wife was very accepting of my viewing porn even through I'm still trying to quit, I think her view would be very different if I was messaging and engaging with other people. I think she would consider that a form of cheating, and I would agree with her.

    On the positive side it is in the open now, now that she knows you can reach out to her and try to rebuild that trust. Hopefully she will be understanding, perhaps share with her how you are intending to deal with it.
  3. king-boo

    king-boo New Fapstronaut

    Hi romeolima,

    Thank you for the response, I agree with you, messaging others is a form of cheating and that is why she is struggling so much with this.

    I think for me, having contact with others was a way to feel good about myself, I now realise that it's quite the opposite and only makes me feel worse, hurting the ones I really love.

    We have spoken about what my intentions are to stop my PA which I am trying to figure out now.

    I have started journaling today and have set up a habit app to build some positive habits. I would also like to find a hobby to focus on, but am currently unsure where to begin.

    I would appreciate any advice on other ideas that I could use to help along my journey.


  4. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

    Your current hobby could be finding out all there is to know about pornography addiction and how to treat it. I would also recommend researching how to communicate effectively with your partner and would recommend the '8 Dates' book in order to start the conversation about where you are in your relationship other than just sexually.
    If you want to take healing your relationship seriously then I suggest you get obsessed with finding and engaging in solutions and accept this will be an uncomfortable process.
    Personally, when I started this journey, I had no idea how the process of not using PMO to avoid uncomfortable feelings would make me face up to truths I had been avoiding literally all my life. It has been an amazing and challenging process but i can genuinely say I am being honest with my wife and myself for the first time in 22 years and it feels great.
    No PMO for 152 days and I have worked on desexualising my thinking in general. So no checking out peoples/ or pictures of people's bodies, or fantasising about anyone including my wife. I still get automatic sexual thoughts popping into my head from time to time but the difference is that i did not invite them, and I do not follow them.
    It takes time and effort but well worth doing. My wife and I are physically close, we see skin on skin contact as really important and hug and kiss often as well as speaking very kindly to each other. This is a very helpful skill to learn.
  5. king-boo

    king-boo New Fapstronaut

    Hi Nicko,

    Thanks for the advice, I will definitely look into the book you recommended and spend more time on researching PA.

    Communication is one of my areas that I really need to work on, but reading your story and transformation is really helpful for me, so thank you for sharing.

    I do want to make our relationship work, I know that it will be a difficult process and could potentially get worse, but I love her and need to make this work.

    We spoke some more yesterday evening about my PA which was positive. But currently we are in an awkward place, she wants to talk and try to be normal with me, but shes angry and doesnt know how to cope with it all.

    I find that alot of the time I'm not really sure what to say or do which isn't helping.

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