It's time to change... for good.

After a long time away from this site... I just feel compelled to come back. I want to squash my addiction (and that is what it is) for good.

Firstly, the bit which I hate to acknowledge, but it is true: my 18-odd year addiction cost me a large chunk of my life. I lost my wife, who also no longer wants me to be part of my young children's lives; my house; a large amount of money; and most of my friends. It led me to thoughts of suicide on a couple of occasions. It crushed my self-esteem. It has caused me ED. It caused me to act in ways that I, even as I write this now, find abhorrent, in ludicrous and potentially dangerous situations. I am responsible for this. The damage is immense, not only to my own life, but to others that I care about too.

And yet still I go back, all to satisfy the desire for that 'hit'. And it's progressed, like so many addictions, from pornography, to online chat, to cams, to meeting men and women offline in a variety of places - making me even question my own sexuality, such is the power of porn. I am well and truly screwed up.

I have spent recent months trying to rediscover who I am. I have spent time with a counsellor, and attended 12 step groups, but if I am really honest, whilst there was initial progress and I have a bit more awareness about myself now than I did before, my behaviours haven't really improved very much, particularly of late, where I have been (internally) feeling very down about things.

Now, I have had enough. I haven't acted out today, but I did yesterday, I have been tired, groggy and very downbeat today, and I hate feeling like this.

So, I have a new counsellor who I'm seeing for the second time tomorrow. We are going to construct a battle plan which I am going to execute. I will continue to attend a 12-step group and share much more frequently with the members. I have a sponsor who I wish to work much more closely with. And I would like to journal and talk to people on here, too. I have come to realise that I need a lot of support and help. I am hoping that the NoFap community will be able to provide some of it, and hopefully I can provide some help for others too.

I just wanted to say I have massive respect and admiration for those that have successfully recovered, those who are mid-recovery and those who are just starting out but are brave enough to share their story. I will post my journal in the journal section, but it is time for me to change and I just wanted to share that and hope that together, we can recover.