It's time to fight back

Hello everyone!

Well...here I am. I am 21 years old and have consistently masturbated since I was 17.

Oof. I hate that I have to write that.

I had a traumatic, one-sided relationship that mostly consisted of me being high on hormones and abusing what was a truly awesome friendship. After that disaster, I lost hope, my faith, and any drive for anything in life. I felt truly empty and I hated it.

And then I figured out how to masturbate...

I have never struggled with porn specifically. Heck I even tried it! It just didn't turn me on. Which, up until recently, I thought was very strange. But after a little research, I found out that I have trichophilia (aka a hair fetish and a very specific one at that).

Since I can remember, I have felt very strange around females with longer, braided hair. When I was younger I was repulsed and afraid of it. But as I got into my teenage years I figured out it made me feel GOOD to look at them. Really good.

I can't count how many hours were spent on google images. Nor can I count how many of those images were downloaded. I first started doing this at the age of 12 I think? I can't remember. Then...I got caught! By my parents no less!


I had to explain it to them that I was kind of addicted to a certain hairstyle. They were confused, as was I at the time. But they very closely monitored my every digital move for a while after that.

So I went clean for a few years. Mostly cause I didn't want to get caught. And then, the afore mentioned disaster happened. One day, I found myself scrolling through braid hashtags on instagram while in the restroom. I got seriously aroused, and I'm sure you can guess the rest.

At first it was once a week. Then twice, and more and more. I found myself using youtube to find hair tutorial videos. I looked up braids in a bunch of different languages. I had a playlist with hundreds of videos before long.

Eventually, I rediscovered my faith and then came to the realization that I had to let this go. It's toxic, I feel awful after I do it, and, it's wrong on so many levels, let alone with my faith. So I decided to quit...and relapsed after a couple of days.

So for the last two years I have been struggling to fight this addiction. And as I am sure you all know, It's really hard! My fetish makes it particularly annoying. I can't just block porn sites, because I don't use them! I can't just not look at it. Cause I see people in day to day life who just happen to have their hair in such a way that it turns me on. It's frustrating.

I have pinpointed my weak points, strategies to counter attack, and habits to keep me away from it. But at the end of the day... Sometimes it's just so easy.

So with all of that said. I am here to ask for help, and help out if I can. I want to quit and I want to quit for good. I have let shame and fear control me for way too long. I want to move on. I don't want to waste my life away any more.

Writing this is a great burden off my chest. I am excited to start this journey as a fapstronaut!

If you made it this far, thanks. I appreciate it!

My name is Will. And on the 29th of September, 2020 I decided I really want to take my life back!