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I've fallen for a girl and suddenly everything makes sense.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by AngryMillennial, May 11, 2019.

  1. AngryMillennial

    AngryMillennial Fapstronaut

    7
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    Hi there,

    This is going to be a confessional and rambling post. I'll try not to tell my whole life story but it could get there!

    I'm 22 years old and recently started a challenging job as a teacher in the United Kingdfom. I can't be more specific. I am I suppose technically a virgin - more on that later. For many years I have found myself to have an obsessive personality and been truly fixated on meeting my goals but at the same time have always had other little things to get in the way - I called them "miscellaneous" things. I was always trying to do those other jobs, like tidying out my room, sorting out my emails, in my spare time. Of course, I have had hobbies and friends too. But the really really big things I want to do with my life, I tended to put on hold. Sure, I got my undergrad degree. I went to uni. I started getting quite into running whilst I was there. I got my job and have another promising career lined up in a year's time (although I'm not sure if it's exactly what I want to do). I've got a car now and love driving. So you might think my life's going alright.

    It used to bother me that I had never really had a proper girlfriend or sex. Especially at uni when everyone seemed to be getting it. I am somewhat socailly awkward, but i can chat to women and have had some close friendships with girls and boys and still do. I think my friends would describe me as funny and bright. Don't want to sing my own praises too much, I have many qualities I dislike in myself, like weakness, lack of confidence, not knowing what to say to comfort people, lack of much practical skill unless I really really work at something (for example, I am half-decent at fixing bikes but only because I spent a lot of time fixing mine up having been next to useless when I started).

    But it never truly bothered me. Indeed a relationship/sex was just like an ancillary extra 'goal' - to be added on as something to "do" in life - alongside my other dreams. But recently, I've finally come to the end of my vigil of getting my life in order (degree, career, car, and those damned miscs). So now I've been doing some serious contemplating about what I want out of the rest of my life. I keep changing my mind about what's most important. Sometimes I think it's my continual self-education and self-improvement. Sometimes I think it's surviving the apocalypse that I believe mgiht come in my lifetime. Sometimes it's just to write a book. I'd like to serve our country, whether that's militarily or otherwise. Not because I truly believe in it - but because heritage/family/community are the only things that seem to give us some semblance of meaning in our consumer-oriented, post-modern, nihilistic, depressed millennial post world order. At least, that's what I thought.

    When I came back to teaching recently though after a holiday, something changed for me. I woke up one morning rather horny and was away from home at the time with friends. I became angry that I had still not had any sex at all and decided to look on the internet for prostitutes (having had little success with Tinder of late!) To my luck I discovered the wonderful vivastreets. Within hours of leaving my friends (I was due to travel part way across the country that day), I had arranged to meet and pay for a prostitute. No one would know - I wouldn't be in town again for months if not longer - I was so nervous and excited! I arrived - and what a shock I was in for. I realised that I had no real attraction to this older woman who was clearly around 30 - a lot older than her online profile. I had no emotional connection, and no real physical attraction. But maybe I could have still done it. I got hard, and I did penetrate her. But I just couldn't hold my erection. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was my attraction, maybe it was the situation of paying for sex, but something was so utterly fundamentally wrong. By the end, she couldn't get a damn thing out of my **** - it was just totally flaccid. I left disappointed but very civil - I knew this was a really important day and had taught me something. I was very polite and thanked her for her time. I knew that this was going to mean something big, I just had to realise what. I spent some time that evening on my train back across Britain, crying, sometime reflecting and sometime just in shock. I got back that night and came to a conclusion about my feelings.

    The truth was, that I was a late bloomer. I masturbated for the first time aged 17 (at least orgasmed - I had played around before that!). But over time this masturbation became fixated - constantly and exclusively - on one, single fetish. Every wank would be over this same fetish. Let's just say the fetish involved a bodily function kids would find hilarious and for some, shares its name with the 45th President. I know, gross right. and pathetic. Of course, I had always found women attractive and had had some close 'shaves' int erms of sex at uni but never doen the deed. I had always been confident that when the time was right, I would have no problem. I'm not David Beckhma or everything, I'm not ugly, I'm just above average for a guy but maybe if I got more in shape I wouldn't have many problems. If things e, got too bad, I thought, I would go to a prostitute, just to make sure I could got it done.

    Except it didn't work. It being my manhood. And suddenly I realised, it all became clear to me. Just like when it had taken me a long time to retract my foreskin and to actually work out how to orgasm! If I carried out jerking off over this fetish porn for the rest of my life, I'd never find a woman. I'd always settle for the crappy YouTube video or the Pornhub video on my account that evening when I went home alone, again. I'd never have a family or kids. I'd never know what it was like to love someone.

    And this second bit was what really got me. You see, I've never been a prolific masturbator. I think I've done it more than once a day maybe three or four times in my life. Usually once every couple of days, on off with little off-streaks here and there for the past five years. I was never ADDICTED to porn - just to my fetish. And so as my brain processed things, I couldn't see how it was fair that I couldn't get my action on when I needed it. Maybe I had PIED, too. But I knew it was even more than that. You see, this prostitute who I went to, I just wasn't attracted to much. But it was more than that. I had literally no emotional connection - because you can't. There was just nothing there in terms of interest. I didn't KNOW her.

    And that was the truth of the situation. It's taken me years to realise it, since my first proper crush when I was 13-14. But that actually, for all that other things do matter to me - like learning those skills for how to be a man - that actually, I don't care about sex. Not really. Not fundamentally. Of course, it's enjoyable and I experience intense sexual attraciton at times. But it's just so - empty - without a connection there. If you haven't got that bond with the person, what's the point. You might as well jack off and keep your money. Save it for going out on the boat, playing sport, drinking with mates, or a nice long drive - all things I enjoy far more than I think that momentary bliss and then deep guilt and listlessness that follows a fetish porn induced orgasm.

    So I realised these things. But after a 9-day streak, I relapsed. And then I just didn't care. I figrued I might as well keep going until I met the right person. I didn't realise that might never happen if I kept to my pathetic low filthy shelf. I just kept plodding along. I first orgasmed from masturbating in August 2014. Since then, I have managed 9 day streaks of not cumming on three occasions. I have only once got further than this - a 12 day streak in April 2016 which I only got through on red bull and caffeine, having been really busy with essays and shit.

    I am now on a 10-day streak - my second longest in five years. If I make it three more days, I might dare to claim that this is the start of my life without porn. And there's one reason I've kept it going this week.

    I've suddenly realised that I really love my housemate. I know some of you might say it's just a crush. If you're experienced with nofap, maybe you've had the same experience emerge shortly after a streak. But this is different. I suddenly realised - a couple of weeks ago - that maybe she is the one. And I just can't stop thinking about her and wanting to spend time with her. Which thankfully, despite our busy jobs, is still plenty possible on evenings (we live in a fairly close group of friends). I don't know if she is interested back. I certainly never gave off signals before because earlier in the year whilst i thought she was attractive I was never interested in a relationship or even sex. Just trying to get through the day in my stressful job. And even when I'd got used to it, somehow getting my "miscs" done seemed more important. I'd given little thought to how my life would look afterwards.

    It's funny. Emotionally I am invested, and yeah, I do think she is incredibly attractive. But it's more the personality. She just seems the right person. And since I've had this little run, my mastubration urges have just dissipated away. I thought above maybe going to a prostitute now I've managed this long a streak, to finally cum in a girl and end my virginity. But I think even having got farther than before, it's unlikely my fetish addiciton is yet cured, and anyway, why would I sleep with someone I don't know when I can spend much more time with someone I think I could, possibly, love?

    You could call me a silly old romantic. But finally, I've found something, someone, who I believe in. My nihilistic, narcissistic days are over. I don't have any urge to look at that porn or think those awful thoughts any more. I used to find it so hard, even after 4-5 days, on my previous nofap streaks, because there was just no incentive not to. No prospect of any girl being interested if I just held out for one more day and got a little more libido, a little more self-confidence.

    You see, I believe in those effects. I've experienced them. I'm writing this at half past midnight and I feel wide awake. By the last two days, I feel alert, aware and heightened senses. I feel more witty and to some extent, more confident than I did before. I enjoyed finishing an assignment with intense concentration today. I enjoyed playinh sport on Friday. I enjoyed going out to a lake last weekend, a few days after I started to realise my feelings for this girl, and promising - promising - that I would give up wanking otherwise I'd die alone, probably of suicide around 50 years old. So far, I've kept my promise.

    I'm not, yet, even that fearful of unrequited love. Spending lots of time with her is enough. And hey, I can do my best to win her round. But for now, I'm content to just try and form a close a friendship as I can. Better myself. Get in shape more. Work on my personal skills and carry on writing my book. Think about where I really want to go with my career. But she has given me more tahn just these benefits. She has given me a purpose for living. She has given me a reason to keep going with nofap. Because it's no longer some intangible, vague and uncertain sense of betterment that will always give way the dopamine-induced filthy fetish addiction. There's a tangible potentially life long goal visible just beyond my reach. And she's worth far more to fight for.

    I think that's everything. That's taken me about twenty minutes and I feel like I have carpal tunnel now! BUt I just had to get it off my chest. I'm desperate to keep this streak going and I know in a couple of days when I'm horny as hell, I'll need a lot more motviation. But I hope it'll end somewhere. With me plucking up some courage eventually, and telling her how I feel. Maybe by then, she'll feel the same way if she doesn't harbour anything now. It certainly took me long enough to come round - eight months! But where we are now is just enough. If it keeps me off this evil train that I've been on for months, and it spurs me to do the things that will keep my life worth living - exercise, career, self-betterment etc.

    Men have done stupid things for women throughout history. It was Helen's face that started the Trojan War (ahistorical I know, but...). But after all, what are we really here for? Nihilists would say there's no real meaning, and a part of me believes that. I've tried to find meaning - and I guess I've found some somewhere, but never been fully committed. But now, for the first time ever, I truly feel that the meaning of my life might be in front of my eyes. And I'm not about to pass that up for some woman expelling gas on some webcam for five minutes. Peace out mo'f**ers.

    Please get in touch if you want to join me on my quest and I will support you as much as I can.
     

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