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I've fantasized too much and failed (alot of times) again!

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Krillin1993, Jul 30, 2019.

  1. Krillin1993

    Krillin1993 Fapstronaut

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    Hello brothers and sisters, hello NoFap folks,

    I am new here. I've started with NoFap & NoPMO since December 2018 and failed 37 times. The longest time I've reached was 37 days and I fapped again yesterday on July 29th. -There was too much pressure in my head.
    I think the main problem isn't porn or masturbation at all!
    The main problem is having too much sex fantasies and daydreaming and how the time would be when I am together with a girl, going on a vacation and having sex every single day with her by doing some position that I like.
    At least this is my problem.
    I think that this is a result of being lonely, watching porn from the old days, and I also can't talk to girls at my age with mid 20s( I am 26 years old)
    Cause I really want to have a girlfriend but I am so sad of my height with 1.65m (5'5") and I don't have the pretties face or a body packed with muscles (My weight is normal tho) I am not self confident enough.
    I am nervous when I see really beautiful woman, waering sexy clothes and walking on the streets and seeing their shape of body and I often change the way, when i see those people or at least I dont even try to watch them in their faces. Cause I felt something like shaming myself, not being good enough. Maybe I am a crybaby. But I can't accept myself (it is not easy for me) but on the other hand I also don't have the power to fight everyday with this problem. I dont even can't talk with woman, only if I am asked something by a woman or if I really had to speak with them I talk.
    My whole life was disappointing. I didn't knew I was that heart broken.
    I am proud to have reached over 30 days of Nofap but I've noticed that it gets harder when you are aroused day by day so the thoughts of ones own have to be controlled better ,otherwise you "precum" or "preejaculate" all the time like I experienced. I find out for myself that good deep and long sleep and transcendental meditation (40minutes upto 1 hour) can also help to get rid of bad emotions like sadness, anger etc. I definetly put my focus more on that and definetly read books and of course eating less junk food and less fatty oily food. I am sitting all the time infront of my laptop watching anime series all the time. I definetly need a change. And I dont want to go to Instagram models to watch woman that I've followed.
    I will restart at 1st August 2019 again!
    P.S.: I dont want that woman here in this forum see me as a perverted men.
    I am not a rapist. I am not a sexist. I am just a desperate young men, who also wants to be happy or at least being satisfied from life. I like woman as natural human being and not as a sex product. We dont need lust in the first place, but we need more unconditional true love. I hope woman are not mad at me by writing this.
    If you have more tips or tricks you can leave me a message under this comment.

    I love you all-let's be strong together!
    Greetings and best wishes to you all :)
    Krillin1993
     
    Sinbad and BruceD like this.
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Fantasizing is a result of escaping your insecurities because you don't believe that you can attain your desires in reality. You're basically rejecting yourself by thinking you're not good enough to even attempt the real thing. Each time you fantasize you're reinforcing that self rejection making the fantasy / escape more of a habit and facing reality a lot harder.

    You can't handle uncertainty and tension that real experiences and real people bring into your life. Fantasizing is a way to maintain control because you fear the reality that has no guarantees.

    Reality has potential for both positive and negative experiences. You can't attain the positive without risking the potential of the negative. You can't attain acceptance without risking rejection. You can't attain a fulfilling relationship without risking getting hurt. Fantasizing (like with porn) is a way to control things so that it's all positive without the risk of negative experiences, but eventually you come to realize that it's empty / disconnected / boring / numbing / lame / depressing.

    There's no tips or tricks. If you want real experiences with real people, you have to take risks. You have to condition yourself to handle potential negative experiences / pain / problems to attain higher quality positive experiences / pleasure / solutions. You have to stop settling for fantasies and go for reality. You have to stop rejecting yourself. You have to fail, make mistakes, and get rejected. You have to do things that might not work. You have to challenge things outside of your competence, confidence, comfort, and experience level. You have to let go of control / certainty / comfort and face uncertainty and tension.

    If not, then porn and fantasies is the easy and comfortable (also empty, disconnected, and full of self hate) life that you're looking for.
     
  3. To quit fantasizing is one of the most difficult things with noPMO but also one of the most crucial.

    If you manage to stop fantasizing, noPMO will be quite easy.
    The first step is to avoid any sexual stimulus in your life so that you
    are no longer forced into fantasy by external things.
    This includes simple things such as avoiding social media,
    but also radical stuff, like looking the other way when you see a hot girl on the street.

    The next step is then to suppress emerging sexual or romantic thoughts.
    It is absolutely necessary to act quickly, because the longer you give yourself up to fantasies,
    the harder it is to get them out of your head. The simplest thing would be to
    to think about something else that has nothing to do with sex or women. Sometimes this
    is not enough and it can be advisable to do something more extreme,
    for example to start singing loudly or to slap yourself in the face.

    The good news is that after some time it becomes much easier to control your thoughts.
     
    clapas, Krillin1993 and Dexter Moran like this.
  4. BruceD

    BruceD Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    This is incredibly well said I needed this today. Thank you!
     
  5. Hi Krillin1993,
    look pal don't worry about your height.There is nothing you can do about it! No one is perfect.In fact the notion of perfection is ridiculous. Those images of women you lust after have all been airbrushed. If you met them first thing in the morning you would be scared out of your wits. They sweat, they smell,they have to go to the toilet just like the rest of us.
    You write that you experience involuntarily emissions when you are aroused around women. I have suffered from this also. I find it degrading and I feel soiled,literally and spiritually, consequently.A better diet and bodily hygiene can be of an immense help with this problem. remember people can't read your thoughts. However if you ogle women in public or ejaculate in your trousers people will notice.
    Focus for now on yourself. For your own sake stop watching Anime! Don't compromise with this. Anime is very disturbing it is not artistic or educational it is pornographic! I delved in to it myself some years ago. I googled it a moment ago just to reacquaint myself with it.This was very foolish and arrogant on my part. My eyes watered and I became sick. Yet like you I am only human and could quite easily become interested in or even addicted to it.
    You are not perverted, sexist or most importantly irredeemable. You are a young man led astray by a World gone mad! Please follow this link https://www.2knowmyself.com/How_to_Get_over_Porn_and_masturbation_addiction_for_Good. I have completed this course. It helped for a time and I learned many useful skills. It was via this course that I first become aware of NoFap. This was the most important information I ever received in my long battle with PMO.
    Take care and never give up. There is hope but you must put in the effort. As Niccolò Machiavelli once put it 'God will not do all alone.' Stay connected to your friends and allies on NoFap.
     
  6. Sinbad

    Sinbad Fapstronaut

    Good luck, brother!
     
  7. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    . Go to the source of everything: you don't feel good enough. Someone, sometime in your very very early years made you feel not good enough. You have internalised that; it was healthy back then, but now... it wreaks havoc in your life.

    What you seek is not a girlfriend, you seek the attention, care, validation and love that you did not receive when you are just a few years old (1-3). Your brain adapted at that point in time, "no matter how much I beg for attention and validation, I'm not getting it"; your brain shut down regions associated with being valuable, it did not evolve emotional maturity because what's the purpose, there's no one to make you feel accepted. Then PMO came into existence and it gave you temporarily the satisfaction that, through fantasising and releasing tension, you can fulfil the needs of validation and love. PMO became your escape mechanism from the pain of not feeling good enough.

    Now I'm not suggesting to go to your mom and ask her why she wasn't there for you, what I am suggesting is to sit with that feeling of loneliness, abandonment, fear, boredom and experience it through entirely. I'm suggesting to work through the emotions, maybe with a therapist knowledgeable about childhood emotional neglect. Forget about the thoughts, focus on the emotional being.

    You are good enough because you exist; your height says nothing about your lovability or your right to be happy.
     
    Krillin1993 likes this.

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