So, this might be long. I thank anyone who took the time to read it and especially if you have any good advice on the matter... So this is the first time im doing this online. Trying to open up and be as "exposed" about my issue as possible. I am a 28 year old male. I am a virgin. I grew up in a heavily Christian background. I still consider myself a Christian. However im confused on some things right now in my life. I have seen blessings, and i have seen deprivation. I took spirituality very seriously. So when I was told that sex before marriage was immoral, i chose to wait till i found someone i was sure about. My friends; they were all of the same Christians too. I have lived a sheltered life to an extreme, though, not as much as others I've heard. I was homeschooled from 6th grade through high school up. I did go to trade school in high school though. But it was clear I was sheltered then too. after that, I just spent a lot of time doing ministry work for the church. I never had a gf till i was 21-22. and i met her online through Insta. (more about that later). Now... I say i was introduced to porn and masturbation at around 13. From then on i always had a problem with it. And in particular, I always was drawn to lesbian porn. Nothing more extreme than that. But that got me really bad. As a Christian, and being reminded of it all the time, I felt very very very badly about watching porn, even masturbating. I would hate myself for it. I remember one time i even tried physically hurting myself in hopes that either i would "discipline myself" into not doing it again, or that God would notice and help me out and forgive me. It didn't work. I made friends and for the most part, people usually feel like they can be close to me. I talked about my issue with some of them. Some of them had the issue too. Me and one friend would be accountability partners. We texted each other or called if we felt like relapsing or if we would relapse. It helped some, but at that time we still didn't have the awakening of knowledge on this subject like we do in the internet now. So we both still struggled for as far as i can remember. He was good with girls though. I never was. In time, we drifted away as friends. And it was around 20-21 that i started to do good for once. I talked things out with the elders of my church. i confessed. And they tried helping me for a while. I dont remember what happened, but there was finally a time i actually did it! I stopped porn and masturbation and Orgasm. I went a long time too. I went, i believe, 4 months. I was working with my dad at the time doing plumbing. things were stale in life. I come from a small town. It sucks. I have not left it yet either to this day... But after 4 months, I met this really beautiful girl online. We were talking for awhile, and eventually, we liked each other. And to me, it was the best thing on Earth. Even to this day, it was the best quality in my life. She was hot. She liked me. She was spiritual... but she was not over 18 yet. We did nothing sexually. But as we would talk, my hormones went crazy. I was 8 months in to NoFap, and i dont even know how to explain it other than that, things were just going my way. She lived in Virginia. I lived in Florida. She did not want to tell her parents about me. That's fine. But somehow, her friend planned a trip to Florida randomly, her family she was visiting? IN MY SAME SMALL TOWN. My gf was going to be with me in person. And i couldn't believe it how the universe was just making things "work." Had my first kiss. Was great. She went back, and then... I gave into MO again... My life went so downhill so fast after that... It really sucks. 8 Months of NoFap. I didn't even no to call it NoFap back then. And then it ended. I became an emotional wreck. I became a wimp. I lost my gf. Got addicted again to hardcore porn and mo. this went on again for some time. Then, I conquered it again. I was doing good again. I was really spiritual and active in my church. Then, one day, some random guy invited me to travel to Nicaragua with him and his wife. I just got my Passport in the mail that week... Prayed about traveling and everything. It was answered. It was amazing to my sheltered mind. I was in another country. I loved it so much. It helped break my shell. I did so many fun things. I was even attractive to women!, But i was too stupid to even notice it. XD But anyway, life was fkn amazing! I went into volcanos, went out for drinks with random new friends, and did fun stuff. Eventually, i went back to Florida. Went back to work. hated life again. But i was still doing good with nofap. And i didn't know it, but i was coming to know another girl of interest back then. I started doing more hobbies. I worked out like all the fkn time. I got ripped. I was into martial arts. I hung out with new people. But they were still Christian. But they liked to party. So that was cool. And then I started getting into beekeeping. and being vegetarian. It wasn't the life i wanted yet, but i was happy with my own accomplishments. Mind u tho, I was still living with my parents. I met this girl. She was amazing to me. She liked all the stuff i liked. She was great.And again, it was like everything in life was working out again. We had plans. We were doing great. Really in love. But at the time, I started developing a nuerological disorder called Charcot Marie Tooth disease. I waisted the muscles away in my hands and feet. I was stuck... I couldn't do plumbing anymore without much pain and aggravation. I couldnt work out like i used to or run or do CrossFit or anything extreme. And that was what i did to control my NoFap! I was stuck. Ive been stuck. Then, like clockwork, I gave in one night to MO. Again. My life went to absolute Shit from then on to now. I lost her. Everything went bad. It hit me really hard. Harder than ever in my life before. I travelled some more. I went to Puerto rico, different parts of the U.S. Then i ended up in Thailand. It was great, but i still was giving in to PMO. Eventually, because of my addiction, I fell away from the church. Not because I dont believe, but i figured, "maybe i won't get better with women and dating and marriage and life unless i '"live a little.'" I got back right before Covid. I was expecting to go back to Thailand. Live abroad, and just teach English for a living. Instead, I was now trapped in the U.S. I am currently living with my Aunt and Uncle. My family at home are going down hill, and I feel like there is nothing I can do to help them. My sister is more messed up than I am. My disease got worse. I cant walk without pain. I look healthy and attractive to girls on the surface, even while being short, but my confidense is like 0. I have so many insecurities and mental problems. I am overwhelmed. I have tried everything else in the world to fix myself. I've seen improvements, but nothing has ever "fixed" me in the major areas of my life that have been so effected by PMO. I am currently Vegan, I am practicing Meditation and yoga. I have started exercising again through the use of some alterations on orthotics i made for myself. I have tried Psychologists, Therapists, pills, herbs of ALLLLL different sorts. I drink tea like a ninny. I have studied other religions. I have studied eastern religion. I listen to affirmations and self help videos and books. I got into crystals and stones and frequencies and then to quantum physics to find a solution to my issues. I have tried drugs. I got my medical M card. I started going to college! I'm doing WELL in college. Got scholarships and everything. I made friends with people younger and older than me, Christian and non-Chrisitan. People like me as a person to a degree. I have accomplished a lot to make up for my past of having such a lame life. I have a girl-friend, but she is not a gf. I think she is more attracted to women than men, and she can tell; I am weak. I am a loser of a man. I have no confidence with even her, but we are still close friends that support each other. She won't have sex before marriage either. I am thankful to God He has always given me something in my life to hold on to. Since I left the church, I have only two friends left and my family to talk to. But they are keeping my head above water. But I have never been that guy that was good with women or did his goals on his own. I finally have just started to know how to take a girl out on a date. But i still talk too much and suck at it. I overanalyze everything and eventually, i turn off a girl in as much as, on the rare occasions, I turn on a girl. I don't have a job currently. Our family business has finally ended. I managed to get SSDI from the government. Thank God. I have been living off that and financial aid for college. Allllllll this stuff, and still.... I feel like shit. Porn, Masturbation, really, perversion in it's varying forms, have been what has defeated every good attempt, prospect, livelyhood, feeling, and mental clarity in me since the beginning. It really has scome down to that. I dont know what else to say other than, at least from what I have seen in my case, that PMO is like a taboo of sorts. It has lead me to ruin many times. The only time the life i actually wanted was becoming in my life, was when i was cleaning myself of PMO for the 8 month length of time that i was doing. Ive never been past a year without the addiction coming back. I recently started getting into drugs. Just Marijuana and Shrooms. And i think its almost like its bringing on some sort of Psychosis in me. So i dont know how i feel about it all yet. Shrooms sent me on a crazy trip to the throne room of God and back. And it was actually very cool because I actually got to hear from God I do believe. I can't say much about it. But i can say, what He told me essentially showed this: "God is merciful. He does love us, and animals and all life too. But apparently, life is a matter of cause and effect. Breaking morality does lead to problems in life. This applies to every different case of morality, from the negative effects of PMO on us this way, to gluttony leading to overweight or other health problems. But just because we fall short of the "golden mean" on morality doesn't mean He hates us. Forgiveness of SINS is always there. And there is an afterlife where we can try again in a sense." So i walked away from that event detangled. Right now in my life, i am going on a study abroad trip to Italy at the end of this month. I am honestly hoping, in whatever way, that my life will change after this, while I am over there. I finally have made improvements in fighting PMO again... I am fighting it. And i started reading these nofap sites again. It is getting me motivated. But i have so much negative crap in my head pushing at me. I have not orgasmed in like maybe 2 weeks... But i have been edging on and off, and i feel like im going to explode some times. So now i am trying to fully cut that out too. I have been able to turn away from porn for the most part. But it has still gotten me some. LAST NIGHT, I was actually able to resist and walk past my laptop to watch porn. And i was able to resist edging and everything. I felt a glimmer of my old self come back the other day after notibly feeling my brain recepters working crap out in my head. I couldnt sleep. But i felt at peace. Today, i am motivated. I know 100%porn and MO are in fact, not healthy. I have seen and analyzed the difference between a cloudy mind of addiction, and one that is free. Accomplished people, are free. But as of right now... I am not free yet. And it feels like an injustice in that, i feel like i have in part ruined this whole person's life that is my "self." I want to free him. I want to start today, and never look back. I am a 28 year old virgin, with conflicting views of faith, psychosis, maybe bi-polar disorder. I am somewhat crippled. I think too much. I am living with family still. I am sheltered, trying to come out again. I dont know what to do for work. I dont have a job. I dont know what to do for a career. I am starting all over again as if i was 21. And it is wierd. Not gonna lie. It isnt as bad as i thought it would be, and fortunately, i dont look my age. So people think im 24 at most. I am afraid to live on my own and move away. IDK why. I feel ashamed. And up to this point PMO has perhaps been worse than ever. I had a mental breakdown. I am stressed. I am trying to hold on. I am making it. But i absolutely know, i ruined my life with PMO. And i wish the Porn industry would be destroyed tbh. I need a change... Im afraid tho, that it is too late for me. I am motivated to end this thing... But i need to know, does anyone reading this think that even for a guy like me, that i can change into being a successful accomplished person, even get a gf or a wife, live a normal life, and even be truly "happy?" If anyone has read this so far, thank you from the bottom of my heart... In the weeks, maybe days to come, i will try to be more active with nofap chats and accountability. Im still learning to do this tho. This is my first time on here i think, doing this. Any help... would be greatly appreciated. Even just something to let me know that it is possible to win. Thank you.