I've hit rock bottom & I'm going through hell.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by WhyNotStop, Dec 9, 2019.

  1. It's almost 3am, I have a college math test at 8am which I haven't adequately prepared for.... It's my first semester and I'm probably going to fail math due to the fact that I just can't take out the time to study because when I attempt to porn looks much more interesting. I've now escalated to sexting with girls I have no intention of creating a relationship with while keeping the relationship I'm trying to build with a girl I legitimately love alive. I'm at a constant battle with myself. I'm in love with this girl who I wish to protect from my internal addict. Life is great, except the college part, I just got a new job, The girl I love is showing lots of interest.... and here I am throwing my life away on porn and on another girl who herself has told me I'm making the wrong decision here. I'm at a constant battle between what my heart wants and what my mind craves. The heart wants a long loving relationship with the girl of my dreams, and it tells me sex can wait till marriage with this particular girl... The mind on the other hand wants sex now, it only wants sexual release without forming a relationship with the girl I give my virginity to. This is the second time I've been about to give up my virginity. I know I can do so at any moment but the heart wants me to wait and to only have intercourse with the girl of my dreams. I don't know what to do, I'm torn between two worlds. I'm going through hell.
  2. StonePlacidity

    StonePlacidity Fapstronaut

    comon, be strong!

    Only when we go through hell, will we be able to reach heaven.
  3. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

    Wow it's like reading a page out of my journal from 2004, except you have more awareness than I did then. I vaguely knew these things were true for me too, basically so the same processes were going but I was partly brain dead due to active addiction, I had given my brain over to the destructive process I had cultivated over years. There but way I was conscious of all this same stuff was "I know I love Kay, I know I do, so how can I do all this other stuff that really seems to prove that I don't love her...?". It took years for me to crack that riddle. She had her own version of it, after we got married she kept asking if I was acting out because our sex life was lacking and I would laugh sadly and say no, I didn't even need to think about it to see within myself that it had nothing to do with that. It wouldn't have mattered how little or how much nor what kind I have a brain that is made of "MORE".
    Man this takes me back. I wasnt in danger of failing but I was in danger of getting kicked out and fired. But it was also easy many days to say and believe "it's not that bad, I just won't do that stuff any more.". I recently was struggling with workaholism and had that feeling "anybody would agree it's more fun to play video games than automate quality assurance" and had that exact feeling you described, "can't take out the time to study because when I attempt to ____ looks much more interesting.". I'm glad that now porn does not seem very interesting, only rarely does that desire come back. But it is partly a human condition thing of how do we do things we don't want to do? Because even if he put something much milder, something people don't have a bunch of energy around, like video games, in that blank it's a fool who can't at least see why many people prefer video games to work. I wonder if that's part of the answer there: I can see why someone would prefer porn to work and with my experience of recovery I can see how work actually feels better when I do it in spite of not wanting to. Actually we have this with many things: few people enjoy brushing their teeth but they do it anyways because they like having teeth. And there are millions of things like that even though the mind could easily say "yeah but wouldn't it be more fun to watch porn than to brush your teeth.".
    The other thing I do relate to is the bad girl phenomenon. I always say I had two girlfriends: one I married and one I didn't. And Becky didn't say that having her as a girlfriend at the same time as Kay, who id been with for years and was probably going to marry, was bad. But she held back for my sake, to keep from being a home wrecker. And she was only interested sometimes, and all sorts of things that amounted to the same as "you don't want to do this, this isn't good for you."
    That part about "constant battle" and "what the mind wants versus what the heart wants" reminds me of what one of my mentors taught me : the addict is a divided self. It's the classic addicts dilemma, I want to and I don't want to at the same time. For both acting out and sobriety!
    In my case I had several more years of pain in store, and that pain got me more serious about recovery I think. But I know we can stop without learning the hard way, there's a sense in which even though I had more internal pain for a long time I stopped early because I've met and seen a lot of people who get a lot worse for a lot longer so that indicates that we have some choice when we hit bottom. I heard and believe "you hit bottom when you stop digging.". I've seen people hit bottom then dig intob bedrock with their fingernails.
    I s also very much wanting to commit myself sexually to one person forever. I'm lucky I found the solution and surrendered to it when I did because I don't know when I might have acted out with another person. It could of course still happen, I was very triggered by two coworkers in particular and the thought of trying for an affair got a lot of mileage in my addict brain. Luckily there is a solution, it's not easy or convenient but it is simple and it just takes some participation on my part, which includes work and letting go.
    The reason I wanted to have sex with one person and am glad that that's the case is simple, I heard, believed and still believe that life is happier. I can't know for sure, you get one experience of life either zero partners one or more and there's no going back, so I can't say from running an experiment that one is best because I don't have data on multiple partners. But what I heard was that each sexual experience bonds the people involved, of course in physical terms with oxytocin but prolly in other ways too, and then if that bond is broken it's like a piece of us goes with it. Stands to reason a piece of the person we had sex with stays with us, I haven't seen evidence that that works out tit for tat. I certainly felt like pieces of me were missing after porn and masturbation use. For better or worse I went with and still do the idea that sex binds and breaking up hurts and causes loss, longing for wholeness etc. But I was and am an addict so that's just knowledge, my addiction can by definition blow right past that however true it might be and get me doing who know what if I don't practice the solution.
  4. 22April-24June

    22April-24June Fapstronaut

    I would say wait bro you only get to lose your virginity once and you will remember it for the rest of your life i promise you if you wait and do it with the girl of your dreams in a committed relationship it will always be better.
    WhyNotStop likes this.
  5. alpha.buddy

    alpha.buddy Fapstronaut

    Do the math brother.....do the math. Learn to calculate those problems all the way through to the solution man. When we are younger we may think, “when am I ever going to have to use this math in life?” The truth is that you will use it every day! The more complex and complicated the problems that you can solve, the easier and more bountiful your life will be. And I was talking about your girl situation there buddy.
    Deleted Account and WhyNotStop like this.
  6. goodnice 3.0

    goodnice 3.0 Fapstronaut

    Follow your heart, the holy spirit is urging you to go in the right way, the way you know deep down will be best for you. most importantly follow God

    Your desire to wait til marriage is virtuous. But following your lusts and letting it control you is dishonorable and will lead to huge regret and unfulfillment.

    If you’re in college, you have to start being on top of your game. you can’t be staying up till 3 when you gotta test at 8 am!

    You can’t be wasting time pursuing these sexual impulses that only harm your life!

    Only one way to go bro, you know in your heart the right way! Good luck brother

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