I've never felt so ashmed of myself - trading nude photos

This is a long post and with me being new here I’m not sure if it’s inappropriately long. Please forgive me if so, I just desperately need to talk to someone.

I did something Monday night and have been riddled with guilt ever since. I've been having difficulty sleeping and my heart constantly hurts. I realized this forum is maybe the only place where people might understand (not excuse, just understand) how someone might get to this point. I feel so sleazy and disgusted with myself.

I've been dating someone that I genuinely love for the past six years now and by all appearances, we have maintained a very successful, effective relationship. I can’t imagine finding someone so perfectly compatible with me. However, since before we even started dating I have suspected that I might have a porn problem, but I have never told her this directly.

Over the past year or so, my porn habit has incorporated a new activity. Back in college, a friend had introduced me to an app called Whisper where people post secrets, thoughts, and feelings anonymously, and then users can interact. I suddenly remembered this app one day and how large portions of it were dedicated to sexual confessions, which often led to the exchange of nude photos.

I had no desire to cheat on my girlfriend, but the thought occurred to me that I could pose as someone else and trade nude photos. I would download random photos from people who had posted themselves on amateur porn sites and pretend that they were me, then I would exchange photos for a bit with some fellow horny person on the app. I don’t recall why I wanted to do this, but looking back I guess I got off to the idea that some person was masturbating to what they thought was my significant other and I.

The first few times I did this, I would feel very ashamed afterward and vow to never do it again, but for whatever reason, I kept coming back. The fact that the app also allowed me to genuinely discuss secret feelings I had only made the matter worse. I would find myself wanting to express something, download the app again "innocently," but really just go down this hole all over again. I remember on New Year’s Eve 2019 deleting the app and saying I would never get on it again, but here we are 9 months later.

This brings us to Monday night. Earlier in the day, I looked at some porn but got interrupted when my girlfriend came home from work. We spent some time together and stayed up way too late watching a movie. Around 2:30 in the morning, I found myself laying in bed wide awake. I decided to masturbate to help me go to sleep, and I felt the tinge of excitement that I would get to look at porn.

I ended up re-downloading Whisper and promptly found a post that said “Trade F pics?” I responded that I was interested, though I made sure to specify only if the photos were people of age. He agreed and quickly sent me a bunch of pictures of who he claimed was his current friend with benefits, saying she was perfectly fine with him sharing them. I’m sure that was a lie in retrospect but my arousal was talking more than my sense was.

This is where I went wrong and did something different than before. I happened to have a nude picture I had taken of my girlfriend on my phone, as well as one she had sent me. After doing this so many times with fake pictures, the idea of sharing real nudes had become a new turn on. I cropped her face out and pulled them up to send him. I don’t know if anyone can relate to that small jolt of excitement as you hang over a send button, wondering if you should actually do it, but then doing it anyway. I figured “Screw it, there’s no way he’ll know who she is” and sent them.

He promptly commented on my girlfriend’s body and I got a bit of a kick from that. I sent him one more clothed photo and a topless photo, both with her face cropped out. He reciprocated by sending some random photos, claiming again they were friends with benefits. I switched over to sending some random photos from online that I had as well. I didn’t want to send any more photos of my girlfriend because I didn’t want to show him too much.

Then he sent me some shots that were obviously screenshotted from within the app. This concerned me. I quickly asked, “Hey now, you’re not going to share the pics of my girlfriend, are you?” He assured me that he wouldn’t, but of course, days later, I know that I can’t trust some random guy collecting nudes on Whisper. We traded a couple more random pictures, and then finally he stopped responding. As far as I know, he had gone to bed, and I really needed to sleep myself. I know I masturbated at some point, but I don’t even remember now because I quickly started thinking about what I had done.

This is when the regret really set in. I promptly blocked the guy (which I later discovered does nothing to remove the messages you’ve already sent), deleted the app from my phone, and was overcome by shame. I realized this was it, this was the final straw. I really needed to get my habit under control. It was already bad enough when I started catfishing people to get nudes, but to share pictures of the woman I love, someone I never ever want to hurt, is such a scummy new low. I’m so incredibly ashamed of myself, I can't even believe it.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was panicking and I felt anxiety like I never before. I downloaded 7 Cups to talk about my problems but found it all hard to explain. I deserve every bit of judgment that I get for this. Over the past few days this has been lurking in the back of my head at all times, and my heart hurts constantly. What kills me the most is how bad and anxious I feel when she gets home from work (I’m working from home right now), I find it hard to even be around her because I’m so ashamed of myself.

I spent a great deal of time on Whisper yet again the next day, specifically trying to find the guy I had sent the photos to. I made a post about trading porn with hopes he would see it, thinking that in the process I could discover if he was sharing the pictures I had sent. I quickly realized how much time I could waste doing this, and all I did was expose myself to more porn. I haven’t looked at porn since, but my mind keeps trying to find ways to make sure these photos don’t get out there even though I know that's a lost cause.

I feel so terrible, and I haven’t told my girlfriend. Would she break up with me if I told her? Six years down the drain because I got horny and trigger happy one night? What would our close friends that she would inevitably tell think of me? How could I even explain the progression of how my porn habit got to this point? My impulse is to confess, but I keep asking myself what good would come of me telling her; I’d just be putting her through the intense anxiety that I am feeling now, as well as anger and a newfound lack of trust for me. Then again, maybe I’m just dodging responsibility here and deserve that. God, I feel so damn terrible.

I need to quit porn and I’m seeking out resources. Thank you to anyone who actually read all this, I hope you guys can give me some guidance at this time as well as hold me accountable. I don’t want to be a bad person but I can see that that is the road I am on right now, and I hope to God that I don't lose the love of my life because of this. I need to stop.

 

It's a tough spot to be in. What is done is done and you can't take it back. I can't tell you what to do about confessing to her or not. That type of stress is not good for you. You need to make a decision of what you are going to do and just do it.

 

This is where I'm leaning at the moment, trying to clear my mind a bit first by staying active here so I can tell her in a more collected way. I keep racking my brain to figure out how to get to this guy and keep the pictures from being posted somewhere else, but who knows how successful that would be or how I would even know if he has been sharing them with other guys. That really contributes to my anxiety and guilt about it all.

Something that really stings to think about is that her ex-boyfriend was emotionally abusive and then super jealous after their breakup. She's told me before that she tries not to worry about whether there are revenge nudes out there of her from this guy, and it kills me every time I think that maybe the only nudes of her floating around out there are because of me.

 

Thank you, blackmuse07. I'm really touched that my post led you to take the time to create an account and respond to me.

The more I think about it the more I suspect that I will always feel terrible about it unless I come clean. I value this relationship and want to always be honest with her, and I need to come clean about my porn habit that I've been hiding since before we started dating. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to break it to her that I have a problem, and with that the difficulty of explaining what I did to betray her.

Your second point is the one that has been tearing me up the most; if only I could just take it back. I find myself imagining all sorts of scenarios from intense stakeouts of the app to impossible situations where I go back in time. I just don't know what to do, I guess maybe there really isn't anything I can do in that regard.

Ironically, I actually have been seriously getting into meditation over the past month or so, but I've noticed that if I miss a day then benefits tend to slip away and it takes a while of consistent meditation to get it back. I've been trying to do it these past few days but the anxiety makes it terribly difficult, it seems hard to let go of your problems when you have one that feels so consuming. Stoicism is also appealing, perhaps I'll take a deeper look into it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me a bit about this. It really means a lot!

 

I'm so torn up with guilt, guys. I can't believe I did something so stupid, I keep wanting to cry. I don't know if I'm ever feel okay about myself again. I saw a picture of someone I really admire and felt so ashamed of myself. My girlfriend is having her own emotional issues right now, I don't want to make her feel even worse by telling her.

 

I'm really sorry to hear this man, the urges this addiction can create are so powerful that it is like a demon controlling our body when it takes over. You must believe that you are still good inside, it is the compulsion of this addiction that drove you to do such a thing. I know this would be an incredibly hard thing to do but the only way to get over this is to face the consequences of your actions. You have to tell your girl about everything. I think the best way you could do it is to explain your addiction first and then tell her the story you just wrote here. It's a lot for her to understand so you could maybe write it out and read it to her or let her read it. I wish you the best of luck man, this too shall pass.

 

Thank you for your comment, all this support mean so much. I'm just having such a hard time with the guilt. Honestly, I don't know if I am good inside, this was such a scummy thing to do, and no matter what, even if the photos never turn up anywhere, I still did this awful thing. I'm so scared I'm going to lose the love of my life because of this. All I want to do is sleep.

Has anybody else done this? Am I the only guy here who ended up doing such a gross thing as trading a picture of his wonderful, loving significant other of more than half a decade? How do you make up for that? I'm really questioning if it even was the addiction or it I'm just a bad person.

 

I'm not sure man this is a much more serious issue than protein shakes, I've also had to lie to my parents before because they don't understand something that is actually good for me. However, this is a very different scenario and I think the truth will come back to haunt OP if he tries to keep it hidden. Imagine she finds those pictures out there somehow or she finds out by some other source. That would be much more devastating and is almost unforgivable in my opinion.