Hey everyone. I'm 19 turning 20 in a week and I started watching porn since I was 11/12. It started off as a curiosity at first and I did it very rarely, since it was risky and there was a high chance I'd get caught. My dad passed away when I was 13 and since then it became a struggle. I used it to numb the pain for several years, and then after talking to people I eventually got over his death. The porn usage still continued throughout high school, though. As I started college I joined a support group that consisted of my childhood friends that I grew up with. We meet about twice a month and share about our struggles and joys since the past time. I've learned to grow vulnerable and share with them my deepest struggles with my dad and how I struggle with my spirituality (we are a Catholic group). However the one thing I've never ever shared with anyone is my porn addiction. Makes me wonder - am I truly vulnerable with them? (Probably not) Am I actually close with them? I grew up in a very reserved and secretive family - I was the youngest, so my upbringing and influence of family has a bit to do with this. However another factor is obviously the fact that I am afraid of what they would think of me if I told them this. Nobody else has shared on anything like this so I don't feel comfortable sharing about this topic. I'll literally share about anything else. My username is b-v-o-y and it stands for best-version-of-yourself. Since I started college I made it my life goal to be the best version of myself. I began to make goals for myself, I started to journal and see areas of my life that needed improvement. Life's been great these past couple of years and I've improved a lot and had a lot of wakeup calls. But I notice that I still use porn, and that does not align with who I want to be. If anything it has only set me back. I have been able to learn and improve despite using it but I know that I can only unlock my full potential once I fully quit. I don't use it because I am depressed, nor do I get depressed when I use it. I've learned from that and grown from it - to be less harsh on myself when I do fall back into old habits. It has taken up nearly have of my life. But today I decided enough is enough. I'm almost 20 soon, and while I can't put a timeline on any of this stuff I'll do whatever it takes to recover as soon as possible. I look forward to meeting all of you and us helping one another. Life's short, and we all do what we do because we think it'll make us happy - but while porn gives us pleasure it does not give us lasting happiness.