Ive run out of consequences

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by StartingOver, Jan 1, 2019.

  1. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    I am wondering if anyone else has run out of consequences for when their partner disrespects the boundaries?
    He already sleeps on the couch (been 3mths now), there is no physical touch at all, we dont do things together anymore unlesd it involves the baby......and none of this seems to bother him. He just goes about his life as normal. Obviously the next step is a real separation but due to being stuck in a mortgage for 3more years, financially i cant leave.
    So what now? Its been 15mths since DDay and he can still lie, keep secrets, stop seeing his psych and avoid any recovery work at all. There is zero communication about his addiction.
    Im feeling very trapped and he seems quite secure in that fact.
    Has anyone got any advice about what to do next?
  2. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Wish you the best.

    You once said,
    I know therapists hand guys a list of emotions when these say they are fine. After reading the patient select some they can focus on.

    I wonder if a CSAT
    might give guidance here?
    B3unbroken likes this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Make him eat food he hates or donate to the political party he loathes.
    Eat all the onions, chop wood, cold showers... Surely you aren't out of things yet
    anewhope, TooMuchTooSoon and Trappist like this.
  4. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Write essays?

    I try to make things up
    to my SO these days.

    Washed the wooden floors.
    Cleaned the shower.
    Make dinner
    Stuff you might normally do?
    If he doesn’t.

    Stuff you want help with?
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wash all the windows of the house, front and back.... That's a personal favorite :)

    .... But Just the windows
    Trappist likes this.
  6. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the suggestions. Problem is he just wouldnt do any of those things. He doesnt like to be "treated like a child". And to be honest he does do a lot of chores at home.
    Since ive already gone as far as I have with the consequences he knows there isnt much more i can do. And with him being an IA as well....im pretty sure he prefers the distance between us. Its just like it was in the years b4 the PA came to light.
  7. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    I appreciate this reminder. Emotions dont exist in his world. I should stop expecting him to have any or notice mine.
    He did see a CSAT about 3 times just after DDay but then decided it wasnt helpful and chose someone else. This didnt do anything either but suggest that he may be ADHD. I just.....ugh....over it!
  8. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Not that your husband directly wants to destroy you(?), but living your life to your goals as best you can sets the sails that might give you some fulfillment. And in that way shines a light over secrets.

    The response here in the link reminds me of what those who live with alcoholics, or PAs, do to keep their sanity;
    Detach with love, amongst other things.
  9. how surprising
  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I can see how you would assume it's my husband, but no, it's not him.
    This person has been watching me online for months & only lives an hour away.
    They call me & type veiled threats online.
    Cray, don't you think?

    I'm good, though.
    Thank God for police & attorneys
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Question ... As long as he's acting like a child, why participate in the relationship?

    Men, personally act on principles, which can NEVER be circumvented.
    Its a matter of integrity
    This is never undermined. They are steel and never break. Until a person gets to That point, they really do need rules, in my opinion, (and many/any other experts on the subject of recovery).
    This also might explain why children grow up learning rules before we learn laws.
    It helps teach moral compass.
    Addiction blurs out ones moral compass and makes a person more "child like"
    This is the science of reducing the gray matter of the brain itself. The brain literally gets caught in its own reward circuit and other things fall away. Memory, emotions, to name a few. The only way to be more of a adult, is to reconnect... Since PA is a disease of disconnection.
    So.. The adult in anyone who is addicted should recognize that they need rules to get better. (at least if they have read anything on addiction and desire to be better)
    Or else they are acting like a child.
    No woman wants to "be with a child."
    This drama insert is also childlike.
    So I thought I'd address it for anyone else reading.
  12. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    Well it doesnt feel like a relationship and Im not really participating. Without any recovery work it is like he's playing a waiting game.
    He has been successful on whiteknuckling his way through since may 2018. But the rest if my boundaries are irrelevant to him.
    I caught him out on this last lie and he has a list of reasons why he believed it was acceptable....he wasnt intentional deceiving me in his opinion. I believe seeing a DR for a prozac.....getting the drugs then taking them for over a month to be deceit. He hid the pills....hid the prescription and took it daily without feeling bad that he was keeping it from me (he admits this). Then he also dropped the fact that he'd slipped up in the MO department in the past few mths as well. He refuses to discuss this because "its embarrassing"
    So it all seems to be on his terms. Without any knowledge of recovery or rebuilding a shattered marriage he seems to think it can continue like this
  13. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your reply @GhostWriter. My boundaries are simple and he knows them.

    No lying
    No PMO....24hr disclosure should there be a slip
    Seeing a psych fortnightly minimum
    Learning about how to recover from PA
    Learning about how to rebuild our marriage

    He has not stuck to these boundaries for more than a few weeks at a time. Hence why consequences just seem to be the norm now and he's fine with it...or at least thats how it appears.
    Im at a loss of what else I can do.
  14. StartingOver

    StartingOver Fapstronaut

    No dates or activities together
    No touch
    No sex
    Not sharing a bed

    In the beginning i had a list of consequences for specific behaviors but he didnt agree to it. So all i could put in place were the things i could control myself.
    Everytime he breaks a boundary the consequence has increased. It never gets lifted because he hasnt changed the behaviour. Maybe that is wrong?
    For example....he admitted to MO in the past few months. He knows i expect a discussion on this about triggers etc but will refuse. I wait....then i get mad at waiting and try and get him to communicate. He starts with excuses....then gaslighting....then there is no chance of a resolution.
  15. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    I was thinking about asking my OH to write up an exit strategy for him for potential future de-coupling...so he can see what he needs to do or what could happen?
    Children, Home, finances and announcements? I don’t want it to be a scare tactic as such but it is a plan that may get put into place if the improvement doesn’t happen. Your thoughts?
  16. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Oh crap! I should of read your answer before blurting it out over dinner tonight and he went off I’m not sure to be sick or not and now has gone for a walk as having major anxiety over it.

    I just want him to know I have my limits. We’ve been together for 17 months and 8 months prior I was widowed after 14 years and before that I was in a unhappy relationship for 7 years.

    I love him and I know it’s so early in his journey but I only have so much patience and capacity to cope as still so delicate myself from my own journey. I didn’t bring any baggage apart from that (which I don’t share with him) and my kiddos. It’s so hard
    A positive yesterday was his first slip he openly admitted to of his own accord! Since then I’ve been trying to overcome disappointment without getting angry.
    It’s wn emotional rollercoaster
  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    You do what you feel you need to do in your relationship. There is no guidebook for this and just because one person says one thing and another person says another, doesn't mean either approach is wrong. It just means we are all on our own journey and handle things differently according to our own individual situation. While there are a handful of people on the forums that are family therapists specializing in SA/PA/betrayal trauma, they are few and far between. Most here are not therapists or credentialed, but recovering addicts (and significant others of addicts) and their opinions are just that. Opinions. Mine included. I just want to caution those that might take things others say as law because they write in an authoritative tone. It is best to take everything into consideration, glean what you can for your own situation, and throw the rest out.
    Numb and Trigirl78 like this.
  18. Trigirl78

    Trigirl78 Fapstronaut

    Here’s my latest consequences:

    -Eat sushi/fish/eggs or avocado in meal
    -Learn to swim by Me
    -1 hour massage to Me

    - Write/discuss your thoughts on subject chosen by Me.
    -Disclose of your addiction to person chosen by Me
    -Written apology sent to someone affected/impacted by your addiction.
    - Social media announcement to bring wider awareness to growing issue in society

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