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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Hey all, new member here, but definitely not so new to this devastating life. My name is Jen, married for almost 12 years with 2 kids and this is my [long] story, might sound like I'm rambling (because I kind of am as I am remembering it all), so sorry in advance:

    Like the usual story begins with most of us, everything seemed perfectly normal [to me, anyway]. In 2006, we got married, I was 21 and he was 23 – everything fun, we have a ton of stuff in common, passionate, exciting with a really ACTIVE sex life. However, the month before our wedding, I caught him watching porn on his phone here and there, didn’t think too much of it at the time because of the "boys will be boys" mentality... even though I began to notice that whether I wanted to think about it or not it was subconsciously bugging me. He also said it was nothing, but won't happen again. Everything seemed okay, life was moving along and we had a baby girl in 2007 (and didn't tell anyone but was suffering from postpartum depression, I'm a good actress, so no one could tell) but a few weeks later I caught him in the bathroom, at 2 am in the middle of a PM session. I confronted him and told him he has ME, in the flesh at this second even so I didn’t ‘get’ the need for it. He told me it was a one-off, won't happen again. But my gut told me otherwise, that incident prompted me to start digging further to see if this was a onetime thing or not and I found a God damn treasure throve of P links in his history, seems like he was doing it 24/7 -- it became D-Day #1. I was D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D me (my self-esteem, self-worth/confidence and my impression of him) and that's putting it lightly... It's difficult for me to even put into words I mean... I felt as though I was run over by a freaking dump truck. I figured obviously if he spends so much time PMing that he must think I'm the ugliest, most unattractive, disgusting woman on the planet, and when we did have sex he has to be thinking of his P or other women, basically doing me a favor and making himself be with me (Something that played through my mind each time btw). Everything in my life up to that point was put in doubt. I began questioning his every move, word, action and wondered why he married me if he prefers "them" (P) to me, like what was the point of it all?

    Then my mind was running at warp speed, I wanted to leave him but I felt like I was trapped, I wasn't working, had a two-month-old baby - where the hell would I go? It's not like I could tell my parents or friends that my "great" marriage was suddenly ending because my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life and just for comparison’s sake, my anesthesia wore off during my C-section and I FELT them cutting me, excruciating pain and I cursed up a storm and they knocked me out, the point is... this D-Day felt 500 times worse. The wind was knocked out of me, who did I marry???????? So, I confronted him again, asked if he had anything he wanted to admit to me and of course I got the "No, what are you talking about!?" but I told him I knew about it... all of it and it's either ME of it... so he swore that porn was not worth losing me, he’ll stop etc., which I've heard before but life went on even if I spent many nights sobbing at the fact that I just had a baby with a man, who I no longer knew.

    At one point, one of his co-workers sent a text, of a photo of a local girl from their work route; who looked like my husbands usually "type" with a message about missing him/miss me? or some shit like that. To ME that was D-Day #2; not so much because it was a "discovery" but because it triggered me; big time. Instead of just worrying about porn, I "discovered" that I could be cheated on. It drove me insane and all I kept thinking about was that he was cheating on me - while at work.

    Few years passed again and for some time, everything seemed to be going fine and none of my checks found any wrongdoing on his part, so I stopped checking on him like a maniac and unfortunately, I let my guard down (big mistake). We had baby number two in 2014, since then there have been no hiccups (or so I thought). Then at the end of 2017… I was gut-punched again when I was playing a game on his phone and a Google update made me stumble upon a new method he was secretly using, a common social media app – that I would have never opened because I thought it was just a stock blog app that came with the device. Apparently this app has pages with hordes of P videos/pictures etc. like I mentioned this discovery came up by accident, otherwise, he was doing a bang-up job at covering his tracks. There was some sort of glitch where every time his phone got an app update, it would automatically open up that app so that social media APP opened up to the last page visited. There it was, P; again. I completely lost my shit, confronted him AGAIN and started talking about leaving him because I was tired of the lies, mental and emotional stress, I was drained; depleted. That was D-Day #3 for me. Again, I was fooled because he’s been a wonderful dad, husband and we’ve had a regular and active sex life during all of this. He began crying again, said he was weak and admitted that he has been installing and uninstalling this app for ** 3 years ** (meaning AGAIN after I gave birth, to my second, which hurts, a lot.) that he was fighting with his inner demons and even with the risk of losing everything he "loves", because he didn't think he would get caught again. I told him he was on his final “probation” for one year only, until our second one goes to Pre-k and if he could remain honest with even the slightest urge, I can forgive that but he NEEDS to be HONEST with me about it; and we can work on it together, because at this point if the P use is minimal (has a relapse) we can work through it - TOGETHER, the lying, covering up, denying; all of it is what I find unforgiving. It is a deep betrayal of my trust and I mean DEEP because I don't trust easily as it is. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I cannot trust, no matter how much I love him. So, as the cycle usually goes, he was sorry and "it won't happen anymore, if it does, he would tell me". Exhausting to read, even more, exhausting to live through, as many of you unfortunately know.

    So a mere 3 months after I told him that - I found out he was back at AGAIN, I confronted him again, D-DAY #4. I gave him 3 chances to come clean on his own. I asked him "Is there anything you feel like you need to tell me?" his response was No. Then I asked "Are you SURE there's nothing you want to let me know about?" and he said "No! I'm serious I haven't been doing anything" and then I said "Why are you lying to me again" and he said "I'm not!" but then I told him I know it for a fact and described what I knew and he knew that he was caught. So then it began: “I’m sorry”, “I don’t think I can ask for forgiveness anymore”, “I wanted to tell you but I felt embarrassed”, “I’m ashamed to admit it to you”… "I was planning on telling you at a later date" just more excuses. I told him we had a deal, all I wanted was the TRUTH and he couldn't even give me that. So, here I am – 33 years old, married almost 12 years with two girls… Four years ago, I could have kicked him out with no problem because I worked a good full-time job and lived in NYC… but currently I am a SAHM living in Upstate New York, we could only afford one car – so I am stuck, in this never ending cycle and it's killing me, daily. I am angrier than ever, constantly snap at my kids because I'm miserable, I don't care about anything anymore, it's like I am dead inside, I can't enjoy any part life.

    We had a talk and I decided that I was done with him and his lies, I need to move on and try to be happy again even if that means I'd be a single mom. However, because our 10-year-old is super emotional/sensitive we decided that we would continue to live together until she goes to High School, and "act happily married" until then. It's not ideal I know but it's for the kids. Don't get me wrong I still love him dearly, and as I’ve mentioned before everything else is/was good: family life, quality time, even sex life. But I feel like each time we go through this cycle, I am becoming an empty shell of myself, living life as if I'm having an out of body experience. I knew I need to vent, but I couldn't tell anyone in my life about all of this... they wouldn't understand or brush it off as nonsense so I decided to see if there were others like me out there, that could offer some advice or a place to vent, I found some groups on FB and then someone recommended this NoFap reboot for him. I figured, giving this resource to him couldn't hurt, for him to better himself, to get help. No matter what, he is the father of my two girls and needs to be in the right mind for them. So far, I am at a crossroads... I really can't do this anymore - I won't let myself be dragged through the mud any longer, so my mind is still on the trajectory that in 3 years’ time, we are no longer going to be married, I even put my wedding ring back into its box and into the safe. However as I am sticking around for another 3 years, if I actually see a legitimate change, well anything could happen... now it's it on him to be honest, not only with me but with himself. Either way, I promised to help him through this and be his biggest supporter while he is on this journey. Oh, and we are still intimate because I’m still attracted to him and love to be held by him… I know I probably shouldn’t be, but I can’t help it, even though all this I still love him so much. :-/

    Sorry for such a long post and rambling... I am lost, confused and depressed because the one person I was supposed to count on to be my rock, my everything, protector from pain is the one who caused it all………………………………………………

    This will be my online "safe space" and journal, I will try my best to update it daily with how this program is going for him, me and us.

    Thanks for reading.


    March 2018 STORY UPDATE:
    On March 5th he gave me a devastating full disclosure that rocked my world further. I was floored but I tried to be understanding, even with my emotions and heart breaking.

    We are still trying to recover/heal from that and everything else, even with this newfound information.
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2018
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    UPDATE: Husband has been on the reboot for almost 6 days and on day 3 actually came out and told me he had an urge and how he worked through. We have been having one on one talks every day, where we share EVERYTHING and it seems to be helping us.
  3. I know it may seem hopeless, but you are doing the right thing by giving him this forum and yourself. It changed my whole world around and my wife and I are happier then ever now, but she was almost out the door too on D-Day. Have faith in this reboot. I'm here if you need to chat.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I appreciate it.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry you are going through this. DDay here after 19 years married. It's been a very rough year and a half since then. Still working on it. He's very lucky I'm still here, as his progress is slow, but nonetheless progress.

    You are not alone and have support here.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    19 years! the "unknown" is the roughest part of this all... they're both lucky that we are still here.
  7. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    5 years bf lied to constantly. We have hit rock bottom about 10 times supposedly. I too like mine ....I wish I could hate him. I should. I know how you feel. You doubt everything you do or think. It's taken me 5 years to get to my numb point of I'm just cooked. Don't care can't care. Used to get pissed used to fight to me for us now definitely not . Feeling like I just live life on half empty. I hope your husband finds the resolve that obviously eludes so many . It's a shitty ride to be on.
  8. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story...this NoFap community is right where you and your husband need to be. There are so many great resources, lists of YouTube videos about PA and recovery from PA and betrayal trauma and so much more.

    Welcome...this is a safe place.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yes exactly, it is so excruciating draining. But thank you, at least, I guess we aren't alone here.

    Thank you so much @TryingHard2Change, I hope this will be the change that we need.
    boichy likes this.
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Day 7:

    So, last night I was feeling good, we had friends over played some games and gave us a mental break. He went another day/night without PM and told me he had no urges and it seems like he is trying to be honest with me... we've been having one on one talks, with no distractions to 'get everything out'. I guess one could call them mini-therapy sessions and they've been helping us I think. Anyway, after he went back to the living room and I went to bed. This has nothing to do with PM, but more so with trust/dependency: something happened in the middle of the night (while he was still up) it really upset me because I was shown I couldn't count/depend on him for comfort. So here's the backstory, he works weird shifts, so in order for him to get enough sleep before going into work, he was staying up later and I go to bed at my usual time because I have to deal with the kids in the AM.

    So, I went to sleep, it took me a while to actually fall asleep (this is normal btw). Then, around 1:50 AM, I woke up because I felt like my heart was racing and about to pop out of my chest. This has never happened before, I thought I was about to have a heart attack. Now thinking back, freaking out probably made it worse. So then I came out to the living room, he asked me why I wasn't sleeping I told him I wanted to pop a xan to calm my heart down because it was racing for an unknown reason, he asked why and I told him I have no idea but it's feeling really weird and it's never happened before. This is where I was met with: "Oh okay, I will go to bed in like 10 mins" then he looks back down on him phone and continues playing his little phone game (which he does all damn day :rolleyes:) and unpaused the tv as I walked back into the bedroom. Now some of you may be thinking "so?" but I can bet many of you put the pieces together and figured out why I got upset. So like I first mentioned, this is the first incident of this sort for me, and definitely he's been around long to know I never have come out before either.

    I was upset because instead of getting right up, coming to me and oh, I don't know showing some concern for his wife and trying to comfort me, he considered his game and show more important. :( So, instead of my heart calming down, it was getting worse because now THAT was racing through my head as well.

    To me this was a true test, he could have shown me that I was important to him or shown some concern that I had to pop a xan in the middle of the night. That me, freaking out, my heart racing and not sleeping, caused him even speckle of concern. Maybe get up, turn everything off - lay down with me, wrap his arms around me, help calm me and just be there for me. But nope, not in the slightest and the kicker? when he finally came to bed about 20 minutes later, he wanted me to hug HIM, all I wanted to do was scream in rage. :rolleyes:o_O

    I know that's not a NoFap related story, but this is my place to vent now and this was really bugging me...
  11. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    NoFap is the perfect place for that real-life story. This process of working through PA / working through betrayal trauma has no set schedule or set path. We are all on difficult journeys.

    His needing a hug makes sense--it's not right, but it makes sense.
    His not reaching out to you after your panic attack is a sign of a problem, as you noted already.

    It is still relatively soon since DDay..right? My guess is he is still realizing the depth of your pain / of your betrayal. He needs to read, read, read ... learn about PA; begin to know what the years of PA has done to his wife. Your talking together is wonderful! But he needs to take the lead in learning and growing and changing.

    Simply stopping looking at porn is not the solution.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you for understanding my take on it. It really was scary for me because it's never happened before, out of no where in the middle of the night but I was left to deal with it alone and that not only made it worse but felt devastating that he didn't care. Huge let down. :(

    Well we've technically had two big D-Days, one back in 2008 and I thought it stopped, only to have another big D-Day again Nov 2017... but I gave him an ultimatum Jan 2018, when he tried to secretly go back to PM after he 'swore it off' again, so it's still recent but I don't know if the panic attack was related to our situation or maybe I woke up from an actual nightmare. :confused:

    But when I needed him, he wasn't there for me.
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2018
    Walter Milowski likes this.
  13. Purity of Speech

    Purity of Speech Fapstronaut

    i feel for you & i think you'll find this an easy place to get pity of all kinds. since i assume these bases to be covered i'd like to say something else. perhaps you may find it uncomfortable so if you're not in the mood, just skip. that's totally ok...
    what strikes me in your post is that the entire drama is totally about your feelings & your projections. fair enough. what isn't, right? but i think you really got a whole number of things mixed up wrongly and are also strategically & tactically a desaster, if you want to do well with your family.
    no. 1: this is apparently quite a nice guy who does a great job as a family man. sounds good to me. most wifes i know have practically nothing but complaints about their men. he loves you, loves the kids, the set up etc. you threaten him because of the porn, sth embarrassing in most circumstances. threats, drama & ominous silences are most wives first line of defense and they work ok for small things. but they're terrible for big things. especially for nice guys. you, who may be his best friend & the closest person in his entire life practically force him to hide his biggest inner problems, fascinations, obsessions, fears, failures & even many victories. - ok. you didn't know how renitent a challenge this could be, so it was perhaps worth a shot. now you know, though, right? so then you demand radical honesty from him, stating 'we can talk about everything!' just no more lies... but how credible is this, him seeing you practically disintegrating when you get a whiff of it?
    back me up guys & girls, if anybody reads this, the majority of those of us who do this when they know better, crack under stress, when their willpower is used up & the dreamworld you're familiar with and that always works a little, is more easy to reach than a bottle of water. i bet the stress he's under because of your processing is unbelievable already and adding moral connundrums multiplies it.
    i don't know if you've ever witnessed women who are top of the line seducers. they are rare but if they game you as a guy it's an amazing experience. the way i believe i can tell at least some of them now is by an incredibly soft, permissive, total acceptance of things scary to most. like a good therapist. some are pretty, some ooze sexuality, others neither. its a dominantly psychological thing: within way too fast a time you feel like you can tell them anything & you'll be safe & they'll be totally comfortable with it, without compromising who they are or their preferences. this isn't much about me or anybody else have creepy sides or them looking out for dark people - i'm quite normal in most ways, i think - but that sense...
    if you want to do something fun for a change, try and be such a kind of woman for you guy a while. of course, he won't totally trust this, and with good reason, but it can also be pretty irresistable if done well. if you're doing good, you can see magic...
    because i wrote no. 1 i should also write no. 2, right? one thing you can easily study here is that your assumption that your man's pm has something, anything, to do with you, is hopelessly naive. use the search function and you'll find that none of the assumed cliche's hold reasonably universal - and you'll get mostly the negative stuff here. but many men with this condition truly love their wives, think they are beautiful, don't want anybody else. when making love with them, they want just them and comparing body parts is likely furthest off their minds.
    these are just projections with which - usually women but could be anybody - take their own doubts & fears and find an outlet that makes someone else responsible for them. no problem if this was just a little secretly brooding dark fun but many make themselves so unbearable with their projections for which they seek nothing but validation that they ruin the best relationships of their lives. i wish you, that you don't go that way.
    just get out of your f****g head and be a great friend & take things on together as they come...
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2018
    need4realchg likes this.
  14. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Wow @Purity of Speech .. attack women much?

    From Jagliana's story..her fiance-then-husband hid his secret porn habits/addiction for over 12 years from her (I did the same thing for over 20 years!) .... and you come after her for the "entire drama is totally about your feelings & your projections" -- WHAT?!?

    Of course it is about her feelings! She has been LIED to for 12+ years.

    Go troll somewhere else. Or, if you have something positive to say .. even if it's against the grain--that is fine. But stop attacking--that is never helpful.

  15. You're way out of line with this. The OP is dealing with her trauma best she can, and she doesn't need responses like this. SHE is not the problem here.
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    See I can break it down for you this was @Purity of Speech - as a woman, who has been deceived on and off for 12 years, my perception is indeed my reality and I AM THE ONE that was hit with this surprise like a ton of bricks, as I thought my relationship was normal. Under any normal circumstance, most women have it really rough after giving birth, self esteem, body image and etc. But, as I've said I developed postpartum depression to boot, now within two months of all that I suddenly found out he has been spending what seemed like 24/7 on PM. I'm not prude, I even had sex with him TWO WEEKS after a C-section, we were very active. So, what am I suppose to think? oh yea he definitely finds me super hot, but instead of being with me 4 times a day, he prefers to M all day long to the hot little things on P?

    I, and us partners are not being overly dramatic. It's a shitshow that rains down on us when we find out the person we decided to spend the rest of our lives with, has been basically leading a double life. It CALLS EVERYTHING that has occurred into question. I don't expect you to understand that though. But I would say it's almost equivalent to going about your day to day business and then getting T-boned by a truck, that came out of no where.

    Also, all I asked for was HONESTY, I was there for him as a great friend, was still intimate and he continued to lie, therefore your logic doesn't apply here. Shit, I'm still there as a friend and wife, to help him get through this. Most women won't even touch their husbands after all of this, but I do. I've been there for him the whole time, I have even bit my tongue, my own feelings to give him the opportunity to lean on me with this.

    You must be single, because obviously you don't understand this is a two way street, only ONE was lying this whole time, ONE wasn't really "there", ONE didn't ask for help if he had a problem. I on the other hand give him ample opportunity to come out with it, all I required was honesty and then we can work on it together, I've put out the olive branch more then enough. Sometimes the PA has to take some responsibility for his own actions. This is absolutely nothing to do with tricking or seducing him into being honest with me so I can leave him anyway, I don't know where you are getting all that, but good luck on your journey.

    @TryingHard2Change THANK YOU! he has to be single, because he obviously has a wrapped view on what the other side goes through.

    @Jen@8675309 I think HE's projecting his own insecurities here, it's all good. I don't have to validate my feelings to him, I'm more then sure of how all of this has made me feel and it's real to me, and that's all that matters.

  17. Wow there buddy, where is all of this coming from? Are you seriously trying to justify someone being lied to for over a decade? blaming the victim much? my wife's response was far worse then @Jagliana's and I actually came to understand where it stems from. It came from ME, the addict being selfish and lying, hiding scheming behind her back, I was not the man she thought she was marrying when D-Day happened, she even left me and didn't come back until I admitted everything to her, I stopped hiding my addiction and really explained it for what it was and then, and only then was she able to understand it and we are still working on this together. Being honest with her about my thoughts, urges and all has been a huge blessing and helping us more towards a good marriage, not to mention I feel lighter with that cloud gone. It took her leaving for me to finally hit rock bottom and want to make a change to better myself and in turn fix my marriage. Whether or not our intent for the PM was because we find our wives any less attractive means nothing to the victim of our actions (our partners). The 'other' in this relationship will always automatically conclude we look at others, because we aren't happy with them, that is human nature. Although in my case was not true, I love and found my wife stunning even during my addiction but that in no way invalidates her thoughts, pain and feelings. To her, that's how she see's it, so that's how it is. You are way out of line with your tone and message, I thing Jag is right, you must be single.

    And @Jagliana pay this kid no mind, he obviously has no idea of what kind of betrayal of trust this is and what it actually does to a person. You keep on writing, there are hundreds of us rooting for you and your husband to get through this recovery TOGETHER and be happier then ever. Let D-Day be the best, worst day of your life.

    As for projecting, I think the only one projecting here is you, way out of bounds man, so uncalled for and disrespectful in a community like this.
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
  19. Crushed.again

    Crushed.again New Fapstronaut

    Thank you for that full post!!
    Jason Russo NYC and Jagliana like this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Day 8:

    So far, he has been honest with me - which is all I've been asking for this whole time. We've continued our daily one on one talks and I think it's really making a difference. I'm more hopeful today, then I was 8 days ago. Though, I am not going to get delusional too quick, I don't want to get complacent and fall for this cycle again, this needs to stay on course for it to really mean something.

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