Hey all, new member here, but definitely not so new to this devastating life. My name is Jen, married for almost 12 years with 2 kids and this is my [long] story, might sound like I'm rambling (because I kind of am as I am remembering it all), so sorry in advance: Like the usual story begins with most of us, everything seemed perfectly normal [to me, anyway]. In 2006, we got married, I was 21 and he was 23 – everything fun, we have a ton of stuff in common, passionate, exciting with a really ACTIVE sex life. However, the month before our wedding, I caught him watching porn on his phone here and there, didn’t think too much of it at the time because of the "boys will be boys" mentality... even though I began to notice that whether I wanted to think about it or not it was subconsciously bugging me. He also said it was nothing, but won't happen again. Everything seemed okay, life was moving along and we had a baby girl in 2007 (and didn't tell anyone but was suffering from postpartum depression, I'm a good actress, so no one could tell) but a few weeks later I caught him in the bathroom, at 2 am in the middle of a PM session. I confronted him and told him he has ME, in the flesh at this second even so I didn’t ‘get’ the need for it. He told me it was a one-off, won't happen again. But my gut told me otherwise, that incident prompted me to start digging further to see if this was a onetime thing or not and I found a God damn treasure throve of P links in his history, seems like he was doing it 24/7 -- it became D-Day #1. I was D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D me (my self-esteem, self-worth/confidence and my impression of him) and that's putting it lightly... It's difficult for me to even put into words I mean... I felt as though I was run over by a freaking dump truck. I figured obviously if he spends so much time PMing that he must think I'm the ugliest, most unattractive, disgusting woman on the planet, and when we did have sex he has to be thinking of his P or other women, basically doing me a favor and making himself be with me (Something that played through my mind each time btw). Everything in my life up to that point was put in doubt. I began questioning his every move, word, action and wondered why he married me if he prefers "them" (P) to me, like what was the point of it all? Then my mind was running at warp speed, I wanted to leave him but I felt like I was trapped, I wasn't working, had a two-month-old baby - where the hell would I go? It's not like I could tell my parents or friends that my "great" marriage was suddenly ending because my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life and just for comparison’s sake, my anesthesia wore off during my C-section and I FELT them cutting me, excruciating pain and I cursed up a storm and they knocked me out, the point is... this D-Day felt 500 times worse. The wind was knocked out of me, who did I marry???????? So, I confronted him again, asked if he had anything he wanted to admit to me and of course I got the "No, what are you talking about!?" but I told him I knew about it... all of it and it's either ME of it... so he swore that porn was not worth losing me, he’ll stop etc., which I've heard before but life went on even if I spent many nights sobbing at the fact that I just had a baby with a man, who I no longer knew. At one point, one of his co-workers sent a text, of a photo of a local girl from their work route; who looked like my husbands usually "type" with a message about missing him/miss me? or some shit like that. To ME that was D-Day #2; not so much because it was a "discovery" but because it triggered me; big time. Instead of just worrying about porn, I "discovered" that I could be cheated on. It drove me insane and all I kept thinking about was that he was cheating on me - while at work. Few years passed again and for some time, everything seemed to be going fine and none of my checks found any wrongdoing on his part, so I stopped checking on him like a maniac and unfortunately, I let my guard down (big mistake). We had baby number two in 2014, since then there have been no hiccups (or so I thought). Then at the end of 2017… I was gut-punched again when I was playing a game on his phone and a Google update made me stumble upon a new method he was secretly using, a common social media app – that I would have never opened because I thought it was just a stock blog app that came with the device. Apparently this app has pages with hordes of P videos/pictures etc. like I mentioned this discovery came up by accident, otherwise, he was doing a bang-up job at covering his tracks. There was some sort of glitch where every time his phone got an app update, it would automatically open up that app so that social media APP opened up to the last page visited. There it was, P; again. I completely lost my shit, confronted him AGAIN and started talking about leaving him because I was tired of the lies, mental and emotional stress, I was drained; depleted. That was D-Day #3 for me. Again, I was fooled because he’s been a wonderful dad, husband and we’ve had a regular and active sex life during all of this. He began crying again, said he was weak and admitted that he has been installing and uninstalling this app for ** 3 years ** (meaning AGAIN after I gave birth, to my second, which hurts, a lot.) that he was fighting with his inner demons and even with the risk of losing everything he "loves", because he didn't think he would get caught again. I told him he was on his final “probation” for one year only, until our second one goes to Pre-k and if he could remain honest with even the slightest urge, I can forgive that but he NEEDS to be HONEST with me about it; and we can work on it together, because at this point if the P use is minimal (has a relapse) we can work through it - TOGETHER, the lying, covering up, denying; all of it is what I find unforgiving. It is a deep betrayal of my trust and I mean DEEP because I don't trust easily as it is. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I cannot trust, no matter how much I love him. So, as the cycle usually goes, he was sorry and "it won't happen anymore, if it does, he would tell me". Exhausting to read, even more, exhausting to live through, as many of you unfortunately know. So a mere 3 months after I told him that - I found out he was back at AGAIN, I confronted him again, D-DAY #4. I gave him 3 chances to come clean on his own. I asked him "Is there anything you feel like you need to tell me?" his response was No. Then I asked "Are you SURE there's nothing you want to let me know about?" and he said "No! I'm serious I haven't been doing anything" and then I said "Why are you lying to me again" and he said "I'm not!" but then I told him I know it for a fact and described what I knew and he knew that he was caught. So then it began: “I’m sorry”, “I don’t think I can ask for forgiveness anymore”, “I wanted to tell you but I felt embarrassed”, “I’m ashamed to admit it to you”… "I was planning on telling you at a later date" just more excuses. I told him we had a deal, all I wanted was the TRUTH and he couldn't even give me that. So, here I am – 33 years old, married almost 12 years with two girls… Four years ago, I could have kicked him out with no problem because I worked a good full-time job and lived in NYC… but currently I am a SAHM living in Upstate New York, we could only afford one car – so I am stuck, in this never ending cycle and it's killing me, daily. I am angrier than ever, constantly snap at my kids because I'm miserable, I don't care about anything anymore, it's like I am dead inside, I can't enjoy any part life. We had a talk and I decided that I was done with him and his lies, I need to move on and try to be happy again even if that means I'd be a single mom. However, because our 10-year-old is super emotional/sensitive we decided that we would continue to live together until she goes to High School, and "act happily married" until then. It's not ideal I know but it's for the kids. Don't get me wrong I still love him dearly, and as I’ve mentioned before everything else is/was good: family life, quality time, even sex life. But I feel like each time we go through this cycle, I am becoming an empty shell of myself, living life as if I'm having an out of body experience. I knew I need to vent, but I couldn't tell anyone in my life about all of this... they wouldn't understand or brush it off as nonsense so I decided to see if there were others like me out there, that could offer some advice or a place to vent, I found some groups on FB and then someone recommended this NoFap reboot for him. I figured, giving this resource to him couldn't hurt, for him to better himself, to get help. No matter what, he is the father of my two girls and needs to be in the right mind for them. So far, I am at a crossroads... I really can't do this anymore - I won't let myself be dragged through the mud any longer, so my mind is still on the trajectory that in 3 years’ time, we are no longer going to be married, I even put my wedding ring back into its box and into the safe. However as I am sticking around for another 3 years, if I actually see a legitimate change, well anything could happen... now it's it on him to be honest, not only with me but with himself. Either way, I promised to help him through this and be his biggest supporter while he is on this journey. Oh, and we are still intimate because I’m still attracted to him and love to be held by him… I know I probably shouldn’t be, but I can’t help it, even though all this I still love him so much. :-/ Sorry for such a long post and rambling... I am lost, confused and depressed because the one person I was supposed to count on to be my rock, my everything, protector from pain is the one who caused it all……………………………………………… This will be my online "safe space" and journal, I will try my best to update it daily with how this program is going for him, me and us. Thanks for reading. ----------------------------------- March 2018 STORY UPDATE: On March 5th he gave me a devastating full disclosure that rocked my world further. I was floored but I tried to be understanding, even with my emotions and heart breaking. We are still trying to recover/heal from that and everything else, even with this newfound information.