Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1289: 08/11/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Photoshop.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after a soothing trifecta, we finished watching White Lotus, a very interesting show that keeps you guessing. Watching shows together these days is so much different than before, we don't just stare at the screen while completely checked out from the show and each other. Now, we watch and analyze the show, sharing viewpoints and what we think about certain situations, engaging more with the plot and each other, it's been a welcomed change.

    Today, Wade was stuck at work and my client finally sent over the final images. I did push myself to do an intense morning workout, this way I don't feel bad for not walking or not making any significant steps today. I will be working all day, then maybe I will take a break and head to the pool with Wade and the kids if the heatwave isn't too bad (where we can't breathe). No drama to report, which is great for me lol.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Pushed myself to get up and do a difficult workout routine.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    GotCaught and Wade W. Wilson like this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1290: 08/12/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) YouTube.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after hours behind my desk the trifecta worked wonders. Afterward, we watched some TV and then I tried to go to sleep early, however, I kept waking up - hour after hour.

    Today, during our walk we listened to "Don’t Rely on Willpower, Rely on Micro Habits and Gratitude" with Karl Staib on Sex, Love, and Addiction with Dr. Rob Weiss. Karl Staib is the Author of Bring Gratitude, a book to help people unlock their mindset and build a more resilient and confident life. This was a podcast Wade listened to on his own but wanted me to hear it too. Everything during the walk was okay, but of course, the minute Wade asked me if I had any issues/triggers and I said not really... a few minutes later ended up doing something that triggered me. There was a moderate trigger walking in front of our car, I was already tense and on alert, wondering if he wanted to look, etc., then out of the blue he points to some guy on the other side and says "wow, he has so many bags" or something like that, trying to either distract me or himself from that temptation. Of course, he claims it was purely coincidental and an accident that happened at the same time she was there, but I don't buy it. This is not the first incident like this and there have been so many times where Prime workers had even more bags/carts and he never pointed them out before. He kept telling me he was sorry and it wasn't what I am thinking it was, but I don't believe in accidents/coincidences like this, especially when there were so many other occasions where he never said anything. IF there was a pattern of him pointing them out, then I could give him the benefit of doubt, but the one time he does it - it just so happens to be when a woman with the body type he prefers is walking right in front of us? hmm, nah that's too convenient. I'm going to be working most of the day, then when he wakes up we are going to take the little one to the pool, I hope there won't be any additional triggers for me there, but knowing my luck, probably not - you know, when it rains, it pours.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: How these sports bras look and feel.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson and Koli Pratham like this.
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1291: 08/13/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Workout.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Yesterday, just as I predicted, there was a trigger at the pool for us… and one of my bigger triggers too, another ‘new neighbor’ to add to my already full field of them. This new one I’ve bumped into multiple times when getting packages downstairs and each time my heart jolted with a “thank goodness he isn’t here right now”, not only is she one of his ‘primes’, but she also dresses like she is going to work tricks on the block too, perfect outfits for someone to ogle her in. One time I had to do a double-take because I thought she was wearing a bikini in the elevator, but then I figured out those were her “gym” “clothes”. Anyhow, she was there, out on full display in a string bikini. Wade did admit he noticed her, but I didn’t feel like he took my trigger seriously, he still wanted to chat, play ball, etc., knowing where my head was at. I finally figured out why by evening time, he told me he was happy that at least she stood for a few seconds and then laid down to tan and wasn’t roaming around to worsen my trigger. Yes, I agree, it would have been worse had she kept walking around with her ass out, for sure. But this did get me thinking, he claims “I noticed her, thankfully she was laying the whole time, but I didn’t slip”, however, during the trifecta he said he was happy that at least this could relax me and take my mind off things, it does do that, temporarily, but I told him my mind was still ‘there’ and he again said “at least she was mostly out of sight, but I know once you get triggered that’s it” … I told him I’ve seen her before, he said he didn’t, plus “his eyes were so blurred” – he couldn’t tell who it was… LOL ok. So midway through that, I said “…especially with what she had on” and he replies with “I know, a thong” and shook his head in ‘disbelief’ as if he didn’t like it, haha sure. Given how hard he tried to distract me that very morning, just to avoid being behind a different trigger, I can only imagine what was going through his mind when one of his primes stood there with her ass out. A few other questions popped in my head, like if his eyesight was blurred and he didn’t “slip”, how did he know she was in a thong? What if she had a tan bikini on? Hmm… If he noticed her and “didn’t want to look, because he doesn’t care about her, she is a spec to him compared to what he feels for me” then how did he know she went to lay down for a tan? What if she walked to go sit with her friends, but NO! he knew she was in a thong, he saw and WATCHED her walk from the pool over to her lounge chair, move her towel, and lay down to tan, with her big, round ass pointed to the sky – WHY? Because she is his ideal body type and he wanted to look. I’m not stupid and I don’t like word games either, simply put, if he didn’t want to look - the moment/second, he noticed her, he would have IMMEDIATELY turned the other way, instead of watching what she was doing as she walked, turned her as to us and then laid down. UGH, the sad thing is, that no matter how much I bust my ass working out and trying to look good, I will never compare to those women, ever. He will never look at me or want me in the way that he wants them, period, and that is something I must make peace with, but how when it tears me from the inside.

    Today, I worked out in the morning and was so distracted, all I could think about was him staring at her ass and what could have been going through his head. How just that morning he reminded me he needs a distraction not to look, and by pool time I understood why and that I wasn’t a good enough distraction obviously. If we go to the pool today (because we need to take advantage of the weather for our little one…) I’m going to find one of my old maternity suits, just to cover myself up as much as possible, I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb and continue reminding him of the drastic differences between myself and the actual women he prefers. When he gets back from work, we’ll prob go on our walk and continue listening to the podcast he wanted me to hear, although I doubt, I will be able to pay attention to it, my mind is still replaying both triggers/events on loop and I keep discovering how the dots connect further. Good thing he won’t really know any of that and will go on like any other day… meanwhile, I just want to cry, scream, and hide. Ugh.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: That I am still functioning, somehow.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1292: 08/14/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after a long talk, Wade expressed his feelings/viewpoints on the trigger matter and told me that no matter what I believe, he is certain of what/who he wants and will continue being grateful and doing whatever he can to show me that. I want to feel that in my gut, so badly; that what he is saying is true and that it's ok for me to let go of my fears, that no matter who is around, I'm all that he wants... but I'm just not there yet. Perhaps some triggers are getting less intrusive, but the pool one; for example, was really intense and lasted over 36 hours. I only want him and I don't want anyone else, I just hope to get to a point where I can believe the same when triggers are around. He gave me the trifecta as we listened to calming music, we both needed that. Then I went to bed and he left for work.

    Today, I was barely sleeping throughout the night, midway I got a text from Wade that they had a tragedy at work, a Sgt passed away while sleeping in the lounge, he was young, had a wife and triplets. Of course, Wade and the rest of his coworkers were distraught all night, I spoke with him on and off. This morning, during our walk, all I wanted to do is be there for him, nothing else matters. Maybe, depending on the weather we might go to the pool or a store when he wakes up, but I'm guessing we'll just end up ordering in and relaxing instead.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Was there for Wade.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1293: 08/15/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Wade's Text.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after a quiet and calming trifecta, we watched some tv, and then I headed to bed. Wade decided to get into it with our eldest, granted I know his point is legit, but to do it before he leaves/she goes to bed is not beneficial to anyone.

    Today, I had a panic attack because when it was time for Wade to start heading home, he was unreachable (calls, texts, two devices). Given what just happened to one of his co-workers, I was freaking out. He finally texted me and said none of the other stuff came through, ugh omg, my heart. Now we are going to spend the day running errands, then hopefully make it to the pool if the weather complies. I finished the revisions my client sent, so I have a free day now unless they decide to send more.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Finished the revisions early, so I have some peace (for now).:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1294: 08/16/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) My Mac.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after a load of triggers during our family lunch, I needed a lot of time to begin settling my brain down. It was really difficult for me to sit through because as we were eating/trying to enjoy a family lunch a horde of primes/triggers were in and out (the whole time). It bothered me to the point where I completely lost my appetite and just wanted to disappear, full depression set in. All I could think about was "while these pristine women remind him of what he wishes he had on one end, on the other end he sees me stuffing my fat face and getting less and less appealing to him as I continue eating", so I just stopped eating and sit there silently, with my own thoughts. I wondered how much energy it must take for him to control himself from being distracted by them and being forced to focus on me, it really makes me sad. Later, my client sent me some more work, so that helped my mind 'change the subject' a little, then after the trifecta, we watched some TV and called it a night.

    Today, Wade went fishing with my dad, I had to work, so I've been doing that, to make things easier for myself I set up an online class for our little one, just to give her something to do which she enjoys a lot. We might do something with the kids later, but I don't know if I can mentally take any more hits (triggers) without completely melting down, so I don't know if it's worth the risk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Grinding through my work, almost done.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    4,195
    7,774
    143
    I’m sorry. It sucks. Have you ever gone to /used bloom for women. It’s incredibly helpful ( or it was for me) in coping with triggers. It has a lot of free content! I listen in the car or while I take a bath.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I've found some of their resources on and off, so far nothing has really changed much for me. It has only been Wade's consistency over time that has made some of the triggers be less invasive. However, the really hard-hitting ones, nothing can stop that train once it has left the station. I guess I just need more time, who knows.
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1295: 08/17/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Running Water.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after a soothing trifecta, we watched the 90 Day Cast reunion, boy what a trainwreck LOL. We were both tired after hanging out with our little one for a few hours and possibly getting food poisoning at Fridays and then with me working the rest of the time in between - so we went to bed shortly after.

    Today, I have been working all morning, while Wade ran errands. Then I have a doctor's appointment, but after Wade and I have a date night at the movies! we are going to see Free Guy, a movie and dinner! so excited.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Not shaming myself over my probable weight gain.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    4,195
    7,774
    143
    In the beginning, I found the “ grounding” exercise to really help, and I’m not sure why? But it worked lol. I don’t need to do it often but every once in a while with a bad trigger I’ll use it.
     
    hope4healing and Jagliana like this.
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1296: 08/18/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Finishing my Work.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we saw Free Guy with Ryan Reynolds, it was such a funny movie, definitely worth going to the movie theater for. Both Wade and I really enjoyed ourselves and there were no triggers there. By the time we got home, it was late, so we just relaxed a bit in front of the TV and then called it a night.

    Today, I have been really rattled because I weighed myself and was not happy. As that feeling stuck with me, we had a family dentist appointment, so we couldn't walk. I finished all of my work, so today I get to relax (hopefully) while Wade has to drive to a wake from his co-worker. Although I am not physically there for him, he knows I'm still there with him. I hope he will be okay.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Didn't completely lose my sh*t on our eldest.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1297: 08/19/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Wade.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after Wade got back from his co-worker's wake, he seemed as if he were here, but not really. I gave him his space and let him know I was there for him. We talked a bit about how he was feeling and how life is so fragile. Then, we just watched a movie and called it a night.

    Today, I wasn't at all motivated to exercise but I just got up and began putting my workout clothes on because once I am dressed I feel I have to do it. Wade left for his co-worker's funeral, it is going to be another long, draining, and emotional day for him. I hope I can comfort him once he gets home, perhaps we will even go somewhere to distract him a little bit. I plan on going through my online life and decluttering while I have the time to do it.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Convinced myself to work out, after a while of not doing so.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1298: 08/20/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after Wade had a long day at the funeral and then at a get-together with his other co-workers, he got home and seemed to be in a better mood. I was tired, not sure why, but perhaps because of my workout in the morning. Anyway, we skipped the trifecta and finished watching Suicide Squad, which was pretty good.

    Today, we went for a quick morning walk, feels like it has been forever since the last time we did, we had some small talk which was nice. Then we ran an errand at Costco, luckily it was empty there. Everything was seemingly good until we got home, where one of my triggering neighbors was promptly standing there as the elevator door opened. Of course, this ruined my entire mood/morning and swiftly removed all of the butterflies from Wade's compliments, just moments earlier. Sigh, it just never ends.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Staying present for my little one, even through my current state.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  14. I think Jag ,you are hurting youself and damaging your inner most.Thats not fair.This may go bad in long run for your self esteem and confidence.

    See it's an addiction due to which he used to ogle.Do you think that even if you become like his primes,then he'll stop watching other women?Big No! He'll watch you as well as others too coz it's quite natural. No one can stop anyone to watch anything. Coz Its not possible.Point is he loves you.He wants you and only you.He might watch anyone coming in his way but he's not ogling anymore ,that's important.Eyes can go,but asa one realises,one must distract and not ogle .don't objectify.And he's doing it ,I think .that's what his journal reflects.

    Your thoughts are dependent on his actions,and you don't even know exactly what's going on his head still you are hurting yourself a lot.Thats not justice to yourself.Think of this ,and try to change your thought process and stop self hurt.Try something else may be.Dont hurt youself.

    I can get through what you are going during triggered.but don't take it always like how you are doing.Just keep it as a part of life,not everything considering he's not ogling and wants you and loves you.

    Pls don't take it otherwise,just wanted to help you.i can understand it's hard.
     
    Koli Pratham likes this.
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    Thank you for your message, yes I understand what you are trying to say, but unfortunately, at this time I can not control my triggers and what thoughts/feelings follow. During my triggers I am in a highly emotional state, I am currently in a bad one as I type right now. When I am in such a state, I can not think rationally, Trust me, I want to move past these triggers, I hope there will come a day where I can. However, where it stands, after over 12 years of enduring such trauma - I am not there yet. I do not currently believe that he actually wants/prefers me over any of his primes, my gut isn't giving me any signs regarding this. I need to somehow get to a point where my gut can FEEL that sense of calm, security, and safety even when I see one of those primes and feel "oh well, she does not matter, I do believe he prefers me". Unfortunately, I am not there, not even close.
     
    Selfdiscovery likes this.
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 1299: 08/21/2021

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: Various
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

    What is "TRIFECTA"?
    Back, Hand & Foot Massage.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, after a week without it, the trifecta never felt better, as it soothes my aliments. We then watched some TV and called it a night. Unfortunately, I barely slept through the night, not sure why.

    Today, we went for our morning walk, talked a bit, and then Wade let me know his work detail might start a week earlier, which threw me for a loop. We ran an errand at the store, now that plans have to be changed, we needed to pick up a few things. Everything was going well, and then, as has been happening much more frequently... we got into our building, where; lucky for him, there is now an infestation of primes constantly 'bumping' into us. I - hate - living - here - it - is - not - a - safe - space - for - me. So, POP there was one of my bigger triggers walking towards us. It was the same skank from the pool and just as I had explained in a prior post, she was again dressed like she was about to go turn some tricks on the corner. For me, I was -done- at the mere sight of her but especially because she was dressed like a h*e. I couldn't process or collect any of my thoughts at that moment, all I kept thinking was: wow, lucky him, he must be beside himself to get another golden opportunity to check out someone he actually WANTS to look at, a hell of a lot more than he would ever want to look at me and she's practically naked too, so a win for him, I guess miracles do happen. Of course, any compliments he tried to give me earlier flew right out the window, because mentally I replaced all of his words toward me with her as the new subject/context ... "your ass looks so good in those shorts" becomes "man, now HER ass in those shorts would look 150x times better! damn!" - period. I am kind of at a point where I kind of wish he would stop giving me compliments altogether because when I get triggered and all of those words flood back in from my memories, this time - replacing myself with an image of them (prime of choice) destroys me [mentally/emotionally] far worse. It is difficult to explain. Right now, I am barely functioning, I am here physically but still an empty shell. My mom tried to have a conversation with me and all I could do was reply with "yep, uh-huh, ya" - I hate losing myself to such a degree but all my brain is doing right now is replaying this skank walking by and all the different thoughts that Wade was probably imagining/thinking as he watched her.

    I do not want to feel/think this way, but here I am... this is raw and saddens every fiber within me. I want to believe him, really I do, and rid myself of these severe triggers... but when I see them, frankly I can see exactly why he would prefer them to me. And it does not matter what he tells me, because at the end of the day I doubt he would honestly admit anything to the contrary, as he would always want to keep me calm by telling me that no one else matters. GOD-I-HATE-THIS.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: The fit of my SHEFIT bra.:emoji_ok_hand:
     
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    4,195
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    Is your shefit new? How good is it for bounce? Lol I need help in that area!!! Way too big
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    By far the BEST sports bra I've tried. It keeps my 'girls' in place, firm, and super comfortable. Definitely, worth the price, I've been through so many and this is the only one that holds me.
     
  19. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Good to know! They were so pricey I’ve been hesitant to buy one. Are the small/medium/large or true sizing ie 32 e?
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    They have a quiz where they have you measure yourself and then there is a recommended range, I got the 2 Luxe and it is a perfect fit (my normal bra size is 36GG if that helps you figure it out easier). Plus, even if you are off slightly, the straps and the band are all adjustable.
     

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