Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 1333: 09/24/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, Wade triggered me while we were watching some videos, that I put on for us to WATCH. So, after calling him out a few times for only focusing on his phone, instead of what I was showing him, I eventually got really irritated abruptly turning it off and told him I was done. He of course said sorry and wanted me to turn it back on while promising it would not happen again, but for me, it was too little, too late... I was reminded of how he behaved in the past when he was constantly ignoring me as I was trying to connect/share something with him. After he still gave me the trifecta and we watched some MAFS, which gave us something to talk about - then we went to bed.

Today, I was able to workout and felt great after. Wade picked up some overtime for today, so he slept in and I got the kids ready for school. Once he leaves, I'll work on some of my side design work, follow up with some clients and then try and enjoy any free time I will be left with.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Completed a full workout.

 

DAY 1334: 09/25/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Rest.
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Last night, Wade was out all day (and night) on overtime. He was in a very tourist/populated area. He kept telling me he was "fine" and not triggered, that it was easy for him to ignore all of them. I can only hope so, but I was still sitting on the edge of uncertainty all day and it drove my anxiety up the wall. Once the little one was in bed, I stayed up a little working, watched some TV, and went to bed.

Today, we finally got to walk, after what feels like months. It was nice and much needed, as I was in too much pain to workout this morning and had to get my steps in somehow. We talked about the day before and his night, then ran in to buy a few things at the store. When we stopped by CVS, there was a trigger there and everything he had been telling me about how he really loved how I looked in a certain outfit a few days ago, how he only wants me, etc, all went out the window. I can't help it when someone that is his total prime/type is around and I know how I look compared to her, I can not get myself to believe him when he says that he would still choose me these days or that to him I am hot, it just makes no sense, and isn't a believable concept. Look at her, then look at me = obvious conclusion.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got through my trigger as best as I could.

 

DAY 1335: 09/26/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a muscle-soothing trifecta, we watched some MAFS and as predicted, one of the couples, the guy finally showed his true colors and now I can not wait to see what crap he comes up with to try and talk his way out of his toxic behavior. He is the typical controlling/emotional abuser and how he acted wasn't just a red flag, but a whole alarm system firing off, if I was his partner, I would run before she gets to experience him, WITHOUT a whole crew there filming.

Today, I tried a new workout, more dance-inspired but without learning the moves first, it was not easy to jump right in and follow along. As challenging as it was I still finished it, but I think I won't be doing this one again, I just hope it doesn't come back to haunt me later in the day. Then Wade and I went for our walk, we talked about a podcast he listened to where a betrayed spouse turned therapist shared her experience, he said he could hear my/our story with the words that she spoke. We'll try to find the time to relisten to it, together, it sounds very interesting. I wanted to try and get some design work done, but my little one has been attached at my hip all morning, so I guess I'll try to do it once Wade is up. Back to Disney! lol

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The workout was a challenge, but instead of turning it off, I still finished it.

 

DAY 1336: 09/27/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a wonderful trifecta, we finished watching MAFS, and boy, this one bride needs to RUNNNNNNNN. I am glad that when this jerk told the rest of the husbands, they instantly found holes in his story and called him out on his BS. Then we watched "I Love a Mama's Boy" and that's another 'special' show lol, I don't know how these people tolerate living the way that they do, the women I mean, sheesh. I am glad we have mindless shows to watch together, it opens up a lot of discussions for us. Then, I went to bed and he left for work.

Today, after getting a good workout done, I got the kids ready for school. Wade has to stay at work, probably for the entire day. This gives me a few hours of alone time to finally finish this side gig I picked up. I think my other client is going to get back to me today, so I'll have more work later too. Looking forward to some solitude and being able to tie up loose ends, before more work comes knocking.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How soft my hair feels.

 

DAY 1337: 09/28/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after getting my little one to bed, I watched some funny clips and finally, after waiting the entire day, Wade finally got home close to 10 pm. We watched some TV for a short time and headed to bed.

Today, I did my morning workout quietly, while Wade and the kids were still sleeping. Although, I was tired and in pain, I still pushed through. Wade took our eldest to school and then called me and let me know that he was putting his phone in his pocket, but it slipped and fell to the ground, where it cracked and became practically unusable. After doing some quick errands we took his phone to the repair shop, hopefully, they will be able to have his phone fixed by the end of today. We had a lovely lunch together, I think we needed some time to just breathe. Later, Wade will pick up the kids and hopefully get his phone back.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As tired as I was, I still did my workout.

 

DAY 1338: 09/29/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a soothing trifecta, we watched some TV and then I went to "bed" and Wade left for work. Bed is in quotes, as it was another sleepless night for me, dunno what is happening, I have mentioned this to numerous doctors and no one has any answers.

Today, I begrudgingly did my morning workout, I was sore, tired, and feeling groggy from not sleeping, but I still made myself do it. Then, I had a scare but did not have time to fester about it, because my eldest really got under my skin with her antics. I won't get into details, but I am so over her attitude and obnoxious behavior, ugh. Then, as I was finishing up with her, my dad came in to take her to school, saw me in the middle of a sentence, yet started a conversation with me. After they all left, as I was readying my little one, she began talking a bunch of nonsense, especially about a topic that she is not ready for, and to be honest, neither am I. It was so chaotic this morning, I could not wait for Wade to get home, I needed to vent and get some of it out of my system. He went to take his nap, I'm waiting for a response from my client, so until I get one, I think I am going to watch mindless comedies in order to give my brain a break.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Kept my composure and was delicate in my morning conversation with our little one.

 

DAY 1339: 09/30/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, Wade went to our eldest's HS Open house and had an 'interesting time there. When he got back, we discussed that and then sat down with her and discussed it all again, hoping that at some point our advice will get through her head. Then we watched a little tv before turning in for the night.

Today, after dropping off the kids at school, we spent some time together just running errands, but it's still nice because it's just the two of us. It was also early enough that there weren't too many people anywhere, so thankfully no triggers. He just left to go fishing with my dad, a whole different headache there lol, but at least now he will get that out of the way and we won't have to navigate around it. Now, I am going to relax a bit, blast the heat and wait for my client to respond so that I can complete this project.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How my hoodie looked on me.

 

DAY 1340: 10/01/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a soothing trifecta, we watched some MAFS, so far both of us were very frustrated with how quickly one of the brides forgave her red-flag-filled husband. Afterward, we went to bed and ended up... having some fun and it's been a long while but so worth the wait lol.

Today, I woke up sore... cough... but I still got up and did my workout. I let Wade sleep in because I know how exhausted he has been, even if he tells me to wake him up, I feel bad doing it. After everyone was up, the morning hustle began with getting everyone ready and out the door for the day. With the kids in school, Wade and I decided to have a movie date. I am hoping that it will be a pleasant experience and trigger-free. Fingers crossed* -- later, Wade will be going fishing with my dad again, while I deal with the kiddos at home and possibly finishing my work if this client ever gets back to me.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How my new jeans sit on me.

 

DAY 1341: 10/02/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, Wade was tired after fishing with my dad for a few hours, so we just did the hands and feet part of the trifecta. We finished watching the MaFS episode and can not believe some of these people/couples. Ironically, the one match we thought would be fighting and hating each other, seems to be doing the best. Afterward, we took advantage of our eldest staying at my parent's place overnight. ;-)

Today, during my morning workout, our little one was up and complaining of a belly ache. For the next few hours, Wade and I were trying to make her comfortable, we are not sure what it was but she even threw up. After that, she actually felt better so we took her to the mall, as we planned to do, and got her some things, she seemed to feel/look better until we made a mistake and had some lunch out, her belly hurt again but not as bad as earlier. Poor thing, I hope it's just a short bug and nothing more. Wade looked very sharp/sexy, I enjoyed looking at him lol. Luckily, we went early and there weren't a lot of people there, aka no triggers! now we are home, he is taking a nap and I am hoping our little one's belly ache does not get worse.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How my new (cheapie but stylish) sunglasses look on me.

 

DAY 1342: 10/03/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a soothing trifecta, we watched some TV. I went to bed after and Wade left for work, I prefer he stay in bed with me.

Today, after a quick but intense workout, I had a fun chat with our little one, who was curious about "where do boobies come from? when will I get them, like that (pointing at mine haha)? how come boys don't have them?" lol lol lol. Anyway, afterward, Wade and I had our walk, we talked about his night and various things. Just as I thought I had a trigger-free morning, low and behold, the elevators door opens and one of Wade's primes walks out, our neighbor from our floor... sigh. But, what else is new? I know that no matter what, I will never have a body likes hers, I will never be able to look like any of them, for him. In fact, no matter how much I try, I am just gaining weight - not sure why, but it just makes me feel shitter and uglier, which makes any trigger hit harder because all I see is everything they have, everything he wants and had called "hot" out loud/in front of me -- and everything I don't have and will never. Therefore, I have to just live with the fact that my husband will be stuck with me, instead of being with someone who he'd rather be with on a physical level and it kills me inside.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How these new gym/yoga pants felt and looked.

 

DAY 1343: 10/04/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, Wade was in a lot of pain. We are assuming something he did during his workout agitated or triggered the nerve in his back. We obviously skipped the trifecta, to be honest, I wasn't really in the mood to be touched after the morning either way. We watched some TV, then he left for work and I went to bed.

Today, I did my morning workout, although after weighing myself I really wasn't in the mood to do it or anything else, I'm getting to the place where it's like: what's the point? anyway, I got the kids ready for school, with my eldest getting on my nerves practically all morning. Everyone is finally out of the house, but there will be no peace today, my mom said she will be back because she needs me to handle some paperwork/make phone calls. I'm tired, on all fronts.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushed myself to workout, even without motivation.

 

DAY 1344: 10/05/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after a muscle-relaxing trifecta, we watched some TV. We watched "I Love a Mama's Boy", yeah yeah yeah, don't judge, it's cringe-worthy humor. Anyhow, as we watch it, we analyze all of the cast and just how crazy they are. These shows always give Wade and me something to discuss and because of that we grow and learn more about our own Dos and don'ts. Later, I went to bed and Wade left for work.

Today, I did another of growwithjo's workouts, and I really felt it afterward. My lackluster progress has caused me to lose a bit of motivation, and I notice myself saying things like, "well what's the point?", "you can skip today, it doesn't matter" etc, more and more. To avoid quitting my exercise, I decided to go back to intermediate fasting for a while and see if that would help move the scale back in the right direction. After I finish dealing with my mom's stuff, I will try to figure out some stuff I want to do with video editing, so that I can make my exercise a bit smoother.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Decided to go back to IF and didn't break.

 

DAY 1345: 10/06/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after the trifecta, we watched some tv, and then I went to bed. Nothing crazy happened, so not much to report thankfully lol.

Today, Wade told me he did something last night, but he in fact did not - which I found out this morning, causing me to make extra noise and risk waking up the kids, which did irritate me. Anyway, I did the second half of my intense workout and I was hyperventilating by the end of it LOL. I got the kids ready for school, this usually gives me a headache, thanks to our eldest, sigh. Today, I plan on doing more research/learning about putting together my workouts in a way that makes the transitions more smooth and with less ad interruption. If I have more free time, I will go back to trying to organizing my online life, my biggest and seemingly neverending elephant task.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushing through some intense working out and IF.

 

DAY 1346: 10/07/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after the trifecta, we finished watching Disney's What If series. Wade, was super into it, and it was interesting but I'm not big on "what if's" lol I prefer prequels or continuations of already established storylines. Then, I went to bed and he left for work.

Today, we ran an errand and during the drive, we began listening to the podcast "Rebuilding Your Life After Betrayal" with Kelly Ibarra on Sex, Love, and Addiction with Dr. Rob Weiss. This is the one he listened to on his own and has been wanting to relisten to it, with me. Kelly Ibarra is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in Sexual Addiction and complex partner betrayal trauma. Kelly is the author of Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven: A memoir about rebuilding after complex sexual betrayal. She is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and is trained in Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR (SAFE). She talks about why she wrote her book and how she helps people who have been in her position of deep emotional hurt that was comfortable to tolerate. Her story is a very relatable one from the betrayed's perspective and with Rob adding his two cents, he speaks for the addict's perspective on things. Some of the stuff she has mentioned felt like I was looking in a mirror. Hopefully, we will find time to finish it. There was a trigger during this trip and it threw me into a lot of fear/uncertainty, she was in really tight clothes, had his favorite body type, and was right in front of us, but to make matters worse, Wade was walking in front of me and she was in clear view. All I could think about was how lucky he must feel because he could "slip" and I wouldn't see it. Tonight, we have a PTA meeting to attend and now all I am thinking about is... how bad could this possibly be for me? on top of my current state of mind.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Worked out, even after my nerves were shocked.

 

DAY 1349: 10/08/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, after an exhausting evening with our eldest, who is the ultimate right-fighter... both Wade and I were mentally exhausted. I had already been on one of my up and downs because of my morning trigger and this confrontation with her just made my nerves continue on their roller coaster ride. Then, to further the level of that ride, she stopped by before bed and we continued talking/arguing for another 10-15 minutes, sigh. Wade gave me a soothing hand and foot rub after, as we watched some MaFS - we needed the distraction. Then, we went to bed and Wade tried to explain to me, that I need to focus on the good at the moment, but as I told him, my mind does not work that way. I can both be grateful for the moment I am currently in, while simultaneously thinking about/feeling rage taking over when thoughts of the earlier situation pop in - I can not stop it. *shrug*

Today, Wade was home in the morning, so I do not have to rush my morning routine, which really helps my nervous system greatly. I thought we would have some alone time this morning, in order to catch up on some house chores and just doing nothing, but together. However, that did not happen because my dad wanted to go fishing with him, yet again. It's all right, I will do some stuff on my own and then try to relax before I have to start working and Aunt Flo stops by to ruin my week.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Pushed myself to workout through so major cramps, because I know I prob will have to pause starting tomorrow.

 

DAY 1350: 10/09/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, we all got our flu shots and then Wade decided to treat our girls at Outback, it was a nice dinner and without drama. We got home and went to our corners to relax lol. Afterward, I went to bed and Wade stayed up a little because he needed to sleep in longer since his parents are coming to visit. He asked me if I wouldn't mind if he kept his phone on him so that he could finish up a game. The reason he asked was that this was one of the boundaries we set up before, if he was staying up, his device would be in the room with me, as it was a situational trigger for him and a risk of relapse in the past. I decided to give him a chance and we haven't spoken about it yet, but I hope he was able to stick to the game and did not venture off and do anything else... I guess we will talk about it later.

Today, Wade slept in, I got up, did my stuff, and stayed in the living room. I had to skip my workout so instead, I began working on a project for one of my clients. Within 30 minutes, the little one woke up and joined me (very early). She sat right beside me and watched what I was doing, asking me a lot of questions, and seemed genuinely curious, it was cute. This also inspired some work ethic, as I was able to convince her to finish all of her homework now so that she would be totally free for this long weekend. Later today, Wade's parents are stopping by, my parents will be too and I can only hope it will be a nice experience without any issues arising.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finished my design proof before 7 am.

 

DAY 1351: 10/10/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Time for Audible.
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Dinner last night with the family went well. The food was good, no drama occurred, etc. In fact, Wade and I were extra connected/lovey-dovey, even in front of our parents. In spite of the fact that I was in a lot of pain because of my flu shot, Aunt Flo, and general ailments, I was able to fake it until I made it. We spoke about it all during the trifecta, along with various information and gossip we learned. After we finished watching Lucifer, I went to bed and he got ready for work. Our neighbor (one of my triggers) was being loud when I laid down. I said, "great because I don't have enough reasons to keep me awake tonight". Right as I was going to have a hard enough time sleeping, Wade tells me that he had seen her downstairs while walking his parents out of the house. Someone closed the door he left open, but luckily she was there to open it, so he was able to get back in right behind her. They rode the elevator together, chatted, etc. In seconds, he built up his defense, "but I wasn't triggered at all, that's why I didn't even tell you, once I got home everything was forgotten" - yeah, right. Normally, something like that shouldn't be an issue in a relationship. However, this is not your normal relationship, given our history - I was immediately triggered but I tried to keep that to myself as much as possible since he had to work/function there. To add insult to injury, he told me this as I was about to go to sleep and he was on his way out. The fact that he didn't mention this during the trifecta when I asked him if anything else was on his mind and wasn't planning on doing so until I mentioned her really upsets me, especially given how often these situations occur - it's getting old. He knows we have a history of him withholding certain facts from me, then blurting them out at random, yet it continues to happen. It makes me suspect that he is omitting more facts, perhaps he is hiding more information? Am I once again being manipulated and lied to? he always expects me to give him extra leeway, the benefit of the doubt, to accept that he honestly forgets, this type of stuff, each time - that he sometimes forgets, but I should believe him when he tells me that those women don't matter to him. HE KNOWS when it comes to specific women or interactions I NEED to know asap. Otherwise, if I get wind of it later - THIS will happen, what I am dealing with now - I will doubt him and my trust will be questioned. Each time he "forgets" until he blurts it out, it removes a little more of the trust it took me forever to give him because it reminds me that "hey, remember when he hid stuff from you for over 12 years?" - maybe it is all happening again. It throws me into a frenzy and feeds my fears, giving me every excuse in the world to keep worrying about the what-ifs and to keep my triggers intense. These are the reasons I can not get to a point of "trust and give a leap of faith", THIS RIGHT HERE. Of course, this led to a sleepless night of "what if's". WHAT-IF: he didn't want to tell me because he ogled her on the way home and didn't want to bring it up? Is it possible that he didn't want me to know that he had the chance to be one-on-one with her? Could he be hiding something else, something more significant, because he doesn't feel the need to mention this? Can he also be hiding the fact that he used his phone last night when he told me he hadn't? Has he lied to me? Has he relapsed? Does he just tell me what I want to hear every time he says he didn't slip or get triggered? Does he tell me that he does not find this neighbor attractive (despite the fact he would have been ogling her in the past) to condition me to feel safe so that he can get away with a slip? At this point, anything is possible. My head has been spinning with all of this AND MORE, all because he wasn't upfront about his interaction with her. I told him before he left that it's nice for him to feel like "I wasn't triggered, so I didn't think it was a big deal or anything, so I didn't think I needed to mention it" but he damn well knows that it is a big deal to me, it matters TO ME. The truth, and complete transparency, especially regarding him and any interactions with those who trigger me, ALWAYS MATTER TO ME, there are no exceptions. Him thinking that interaction was not a big deal scares me a lot - because, what else does he think is not a big deal?

Today, I had to skip my workout, which sucks and gives me more reason to stay in my head (thoughts about them vs me, especially after what happened last night). I feel and look like crap, I know it, he knows it and there is nothing that can change that. Anyway, I tried to distract myself a little by listening to an audible for as long as I could. My little one woke up, came into my room crying about a bad dream she had, so I held her and comforted her until she settled down. He got home, made me some breakfast which I always appreciate, and then went to bed. I doubt we will circle back to what was said/discovered last night, I mean, what's the point right? he has his version and my perception is totally different, there is and will not be any middle ground on this. The saddest and most pathetic part is that I don't want to feel or think the way that I do, but as I mentioned earlier I just keep getting pulled back into my fears, uncertainty, and triggers. Now, I will try to spend some time working on our finances and cleaning up my PC. I will also try my best to keep my brain busy with mindless shows and videos, I need it to come back down to earth because my big work comes in, I'll have enough physical problems to deal with.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Found a few distractions that gave me some moments of peace.

 

DAY 1352: 10/11/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Heating Pad.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke briefly when Wade woke up, about the triggering incident we had. How I was still bothered/triggered by it and why. He keeps telling me that he understands where I am coming from, however, he continues to do this to me AND tries to explain it away with "well, to me it is not a big deal, she doesn't trigger me so it is like bumping into anyone else". BUT IT MEANS A LOT TO ME!!!! hello!!! it's simple really: if you would be uncomfortable with ME there at that very moment, then it's a BIG DEAL and should be mentioned. Therefore, I do not believe that he actually understands me and my issue with it. He tells me "what, am I suppose to tell you about every single time I run into one of your triggers? I see people all day, every day!" -- well, short answer: YES, long answer: if one of my house-triggers walks past you and leaves, then unless you have a story you might remember to tell me later; then no, you do not need to tell me about every single time. I will say, it might be safer to just mention it, as you have on a few occasions which did not lead to such a mess/huge trigger after. BUT when you don't just walk by, instead, you walk with her, have small talk with her, etc -- that's quite an interaction with an established trigger, so YES I do expect you to tell me about it asap, to avoid THIS, aka a sudden recall later, causing my mind to play guessing games all night as to why you decided to withhold that information. "But, you know I've changed, why can you not believe I really just forgot or didn't care enough to remember" >> because you spent over 12 years hiding/lying and manipulating me with a straight face and I DID NOT KNOW how bad it was, the whole damn time. SO yes, recovery has changed you, but you are still you; you are still the man who did all of those things to me for over a decade and I refuse to be hurt and deceived again. My biggest fear is thinking everything is finally great when in fact unbenounced to me I have been reliving those lies, manipulations this whole time. So of course, when I find out the information that wasn't previously disclosed it throws my entire world into a frenzy: like, oh nooooooooo here we go again, I let it happen to me again. I can not explain it all, but I am getting so tired of trying to do so, over and over again. This is why I've brought up the fact that I believe there will come a day, where you will not want to deal with these triggers, I just hope it won't be too late for me by then.

Today, I was in a lot of pain, so it was difficult to focus on just one thing. When the kids woke up, they kept me on my toes, I was responding to them like normal because I did not want to show them I was falling apart, both physically and mentally. I helped my eldest pick out some sundresses for our upcoming trip, she even told me she prefers dress to anything else - which I'm surprised about. Then the little one was going on and on about her art and new art style lol it was cute. Adding insult to injury, this trigger keeps on coming and going randomly throughout the day, one minute I feel okay and can laugh, the next I am thinking about it and get internally enraged. I am still really upset about the whole thing, it is unresolved, but I have to act like everything is back to normal again - when it is most certainly not. I keep racking my brain about why he did not disclose his interaction with one of my triggers until he suddenly blurted it out later. I gave him the perfect opportunity during the trifecta and he didn't say a word about it. The more I think about it, the more infuriated I get. How could he think this was not a big deal, something to dismiss? when he knows for a 150% fact, that had I been there with him, he would be on edge. Thoughts like that tend to stick with you, hence why I do not believe his justifications, esp about it being so "unforgettable". Also, even if she let you in, why did you decide to ride up with her, instead of waiting for the next one? usually, when I am with you, you try your darndest to come up with an excuse to wait for the next one, unless I say "it's fine, let's go". This makes me believe you wanted to spend time with her, you wanted to have the opportunity to look at her, and speak to her uninterrupted (without my non-prime self getting in the way). Also, when I asked if she walked in front of you, you told me no... but it is kind of hard to believe...like how does that work? she opens the door, lets you; a man, go ahead of her? usually, common sense dictates if she opened the door, she walks in front, so is this another lie that you'll try to claim you forgot the details about until I reminded you? I just don't get it. The worst part about all of this... is now my trust is on shaky ground, and yes eventually this trigger will pass, but the seeds have again been planted... we began packing for our upcoming trip and all I could think about was how much I don't want to go anymore, my defenses are back up and I don't feel like being lovey-dovey, this has happened so many times now and THIS incident; specifically, could have easily been avoided: by either waiting for the next elevator or just being upfront with me, right away. Also, the whole excuse about "I couldn't tell you right away, because your mom was there", doesn't sit with me, because you could have messaged me about it or at least "hey, I have something to tell you later" and I would have known to ask if you "forgot". Then the 2nd opportunity that you missed during the trifecta too. OMGGGGGGG I am so frustrated right now, I can't even.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My stomach was in pain, instead of pushing through and sitting at my PC, I took the time to lay down and put a heating pad on.

 

DAY 1353: 10/12/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade and I discussed the trigger issue. He had read my journal and had some questions about what to do better next time. It's good to see my post provided some clarity for him as well. My trigger did appear to improve a little after our conversation. Every time this type of issue occurs, it chips away at the trust I gave him. In addition to that, it keeps my fears in the forefront of my mind - which then makes me second-guess what I am being told, when only a day ago, I decided to trust him about not using his phone. Before I went to bed, he gave me a hand and foot rub while we watched a little TV.

Today, It was still too painful for me to workout, which is frustrating on so many levels. When the kids were out the door and Wade went to sleep, I began working on some tasks I've been thinking about for a few days now. Since I'm not feeling well, I think I'll just chill and nap most of the day, at least until the kids come back.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was in a better mood, generally speaking.

 

DAY 1354: 10/13/2021

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

What is "TRIFECTA"?
Back, Hand & Foot Massage.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
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Last night, we had dinner together and it was {thankfully} an uneventful evening. After a nice trifecta, Wade helped me word an e-mail to my clients who have been stressing me out!! then we watched some TV. My throat was still feeling sore, so I decided to take some Tylenol PM, and man... I don't remember waking up, not once lol I wish that were the case, every day.

Today, I woke up tired, even after a full sleep, but I think that is a result of my body actually getting some sleep, but perhaps still not enough to make up for the last 30 years lol. I'm still not ready to begin my workout routine, physically, but hopefully, by tomorrow I will be. After I readied the kids for school, my parents took them and dropped them off. Now, I am going to keep my fingers crossed that my client sends me the work that I need to do because I am running out of time before we leave for our trip and I hate having to pull all-nighters and rushing. So far, the last two/three times they've actually sent me my work early!!! but now, when they know I have to leave soon, they haven't sent me anything yet! I have been warning them I had a trip for months now. I am extremely frustrated with how these people work and shocked they are still in business. Anyway, until then I will work on my e-cleaning. Our eldest has a friend from school coming over, I hope she won't play any games with me, it will not go well.

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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Not shaming myself over not being able to work out.