Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 16: Continued...

Valentine's Day Night Update - tonight was just, wow. After the letter and just all of tonight, there is a little more hope in my heart. Simple stuff but so thoughtful and spectacular... If he keeps this up and remains honest, you never know...


Just need to keep reminding myself, it's only week 2! can't get ahead of myself, but I like this change, so far.

 

You're 110% correct, it really is.

These last few days have been a whirlwind for me, emotionally.

 

Thank you so much.

 

DAY 17:

Still having one on one talks, so far they've been insightful, helpful, intimate. It's like I'm getting to know him for the first time again.

Since he decided to 'show me' that his M urges have nothing to do with sex with me, we've been 'abstaining'... technically... speaking. What I mean is, we still get into it but he stops himself from reaching his O. I wonder though, does that make a difference? is it sort of 'stroking' so to speak anyway? all this is so confusing to me. However, I can't complain because I've been, well, getting mine lol. I'm just so scared I'm messing with his recovery somehow. I try to control myself, but he goes for it and well: bam.

He told me he had a big urge today when he was taking a shower, but he stopped himself, got it together - got out and went to bed to take his mind off of it. I don't know if any of this is related to our night before or it's just random. What I can say is that I am HAPPY he came to me later that evening and told me about it. All I'm asking for is honesty and so far, seems like he is really trying on that front. I hope, hope, hope it lasts though.

He sent me this, I thought it was sweet:

 

DAY 19:

Wow, 19 days, seems like we just had our latest blowout yesterday. It seems as though our daily talks have really helped us both (as far as I know). He seems to be more open and comfortable being honest with me; I'm sort of his closest accountability partner now - which makes me feel good because I want to help him, no matter what the future holds for us - he is still the man I love and father of my two girls. I can see the difference with these talks is huge, compared to other times where I just stayed mad and let all my feelings/thoughts fester for months < that way was eating me alive. Don't get me wrong though, still randomly throughout the day, I'll just be moody/pissed off and not even realize it, until I snap at someone. Other times, I feel calm and have some hope for our future ... He keeps repeating that he wants me to open up to him about my pain, fears and what's bothering me... to him and I keep trying to explain that it is not easy for me to do, because what he is asking for; in essence is for me to trust him enough to share my pain, when he is cause/responsible for the pain/trust issues I have now? if that makes sense. I am better at expressing myself when I write (like this) or when I am being asked a direct question. I told him this last night, it's not easy for me to answer: "Tell me about the pain you felt from 2008-2018?" -- what would be easier? answering: "After the first D-Day, in 2008; how much pain did I put you in?."

In any event, so far I like the progress I am seeing. He has had some urges and told me about them, same day. He's been giving me an extra abundance of attention, which I've told him a few times already: seems so out of character after the last 12 years - that it makes me wonder if this is him really changing or is he doing it to make me "move on" or to razzle dazzle me... I love the affection and attention, but I'm so not use to this from him lol

Tonight, his vacation starts - so we'll have a lot more alone time in the evenings when the kids are asleep. I hope we don't ruin his PMO streak *shrugs* -- he has been concentrating on pleasing me the last few times and not himself (karezza method). He actually says he really enjoys it, but I'm wondering if this is effecting his recovery in any way? I mean it's still sexual, he just doesn't O. I don't want to be the cause of this process messing up for him. Any feedback from PA's would be helpful!

I will leave ya'll with this:

 

DAY 20:

Another day, he is still on track and being honest with me. It's only day 20, but this whole process has felt like it's been 45 years already . Yesterday the night was going really well... we got really close and I was feeling so good and calm... but then... after we had our fun, he went to smoke. Usually he is quick, but this time it took him over 25 minutes and he knew I how tired I was to begin with. We're suppose to be honest here and with each other ... so I was. I was under the impression, that after we 'had fun', he would lay next to me, hug me tight and we'd cuddle till I passed out (based on his recent actions at least). So, I was waiting for him; waiting and waiting - getting livid with every passing minute. By the time he came back, I was enraged - he tried to touch me and I told him "Don't touch me!". He was surprised and I flat out told him: How you left me hanging there, yea, it made me feel like a cheap prostitute. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am sort of thing. He said he lost track of time, blah blah blah, still doesn't change how I FELT at that moment. I was pissed, call me moody or whatever but I DO NOT like feeling like a ...hoe........ his apology seemed sincere and I was better in the morning but every time I think about it I get enraged again.

On a happier note:
Something my husband sent me and it made me blush and giggle a little, like a damn school girl lol



Talk about an emotional mudslide lmao.

 

Just took a love test, recommended by @TryingHard2Change and @EyesWideOpen --->

5 Love Languages official assessment:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Here are my results:
8 Quality Time
7 Acts of Service
7 Physical Touch
7 Words of Affirmation
1 Receiving Gifts

Husband's Results:
10 Physical Touch
9 Quality Time
6 Acts of Service
4 Words of Affirmation
1 Receiving Gifts

 

Wow really?! That's awesome though. We will try for sure.

 

He was actually pretty excited that we were "so compatible". More excited than me lmao.

 

DAY 23:

Today is my husbands 35th birthday (We've been together as a couple for 14 of them, 12 married), although we are going to celebrate by going to a Broadway show, I can't help but feel the mood has been tainted after everything we've gone through in the last few months. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to spend some adult time with him (no kids!) and to see a show in the City, but my head is just all over the place; emotions constantly up and down etc.

Sorry I've missed a few days, but to recap: he's been home all week because he is on vacation (aka a staycation) and hasn't had many urges; that he has mentioned at least. He was trying to test himself with "No PMO" but only lasted one week I believe, can't help but think it's my fault though lol but anyway, THAT I do not consider a relapse because his major problem with me has been his solo PM and the LYING/DENYING of that. So far, as much as I can tell he has been genuinely honest with me every night/talk we have. I can not stress; as a SO, how valuable these talks have been for both his recovery and my healing. We've both been blunt, open and honest; even if one party doesn't like hearing what the other is admitting. I have been hinting at this type of communication for years and he never bothered to try, however after someone on NoFap advised him, he initiated it and I agreed because I wanted to help him feel more comfortable with being honest with me about his issues. I never thought that they would help me as well. So, for all those PA's and SO's out there in NoFap land; try it, at least 15 mins a night - no electronics or distractions; just face to face talking.

He has also been a lot more attentive to me; generally speaking. Paying more attention when it comes to my likes, dislikes, needs, wants and trying to cater to me. It feels so foreign to me, because it has not been this way for over a decade - so I constantly wonder if this is fake or not. I guess I'll see how long it lasts.

Okay, we're about to head out, I will touch base later.

Thank you everyone for the feedback and messages, I appreciate all your support.

#Thoughts:

 

DAY 25:

Last night my husband went on Facebook looking to see if there were any more resources for his PA, he found a few groups - however for some reason a group named for "PA" was actually filled with P images (half naked women) and he saw that when he clicked on it. He told me right away, showed me and admitted that in his mind he had the urge to keep looking and wanted to click on and scroll through the other photos. We discussed this and I flat out asked him, were those images enough to trigger you to want to do PM and he said no, but he did want to just "keep looking". I was happy with his honesty, this is encouraging to me. Even though, I'm not thrilled at the fact that he wanted to keep looking obviously because that triggered thoughts of my perspective: him preferring looking at other women to me and my own body image issues. I didn't mention that part though because I don't want to discourage his honesty.

So I was speaking with another S.O (@Partner_Defeated) on here and I thought I would share what I said to here on my journal as well to kind of give a background on how we got to NoFap and this recovery process: even now I am battling through my own feelings of pain, loss, trauma and etc., to help HIM, support him and see if we can make this a life long change. I was 'done' this last time, I was already researching divorce attorneys in my area etc., because the time before this last one - I gave him an olive branch, I said I'll still be here, but you have to be honest with me and then he said "I will, I can do this, cold turkey!" and I didn't really believe him but I figured at least now that he knows, that I knows, it should be easier to be honest... but no, within two months, he was back at it - then I confronted him and he lied to my face again (three times!) denied it all... I showed him proof and all of a sudden he remembered LOL (how interesting!). Suffices to say, I just didn't give a crap anymore at that point, like I mentioned I was queuing up attorneys. We also discussed the kids and agreed that we should still remain "married" for 3 more years to get our older one situated with HS and then go our separate ways. The next day, while I was going over the last 12 years in my head - I was about to have a nervous breakdown because I had NO ONE to talk to... couldn't come out with this to family or friends... so, I just figured: FACEBOOK it has everything, I created a secondary account where none of my family, friends or clients could figure out it was me and found a few support groups for spouses of porn addicts. I joined and was finally able to put my story out there and get some honest feedback from others going through this and one of the ladies told me about "the reboot" and I was like "Lady, I have no idea what that is and what the hell is fapping" lmao but anyway, she led me here and I sent this link to my husband and said "Here, check this out if you want". He was intrigued and joined and ever since, he has been putting a lot of effort into his recovery and being honest with me. FOR ONCE I can actually see a difference in his behavior, he is actually doing his homework, researching, reading, watching videos, LEARNING and finally feeling some empathy towards the damage he has done to me and this family. We've never spoken so much, so openly our entire marriage as we have been now and it's been making a difference.

It was HIM who ask me to talk every night, the first few chats we had were very one sided because I didn't really have anything more to say to him. However, the more we talked and I saw he was finally being honest and open - I began to respond and when he asked for me to let him know my honest feelings, I told him and this felt like a small breakthrough for us. These nightly talks have helped our recovery process significantly.

 

DAY 26:

Really long day today. We had family over to celebrate my husbands 35th birthday. It was loud, too loud, felt like I needed to pop a few XAN here and there (though I did not). Everyone was happy, joking around and chilling. But for me, it was stressful, I was just in a shitty mood - out of the blue. I couldn't even pinpoint why, everything was just off, even with me drinking almost a whole bottle of wine (usually I have the opposite effect). Maybe it was because I'm just not in the mood for family events these days and well having to sit there and nod/grin felt like such a task. I'm a good actress though, so I can bet no one noticed that I was -- there, but not really, if that makes sense. I was elated when everyone left, silence and relaxation set in.

Been reading and responding to a lot of NoFap posts and I gotta say, some people (PA's in particular) seem as though they are not really ready for recovery. I'm not saying all S.O's are always in the right, but usually they are and that's because they never ASKED to be put in this situation; so for PA's to say that an S.O is just being too emotional or dramatic is absolutely ridiculous. S.O's go through a lot and we all deal with it differently, no one has the right to tell a victim how to handle their distress. Just my two cents...

 

DAY 27:

Got triggered twice today, not him (as far as he has told me)... me. We were in the middle of getting dressed to go run an errand and he randomly turns to me (as I'm standing there in just my undergarments) and goes "is there a way for people to get rid of stretchmarks?" and I said I don't think so, unless they have enough skin to pull together without any stretchmarks? and he goes "oh, would liposuction do anything about it?" and I thought/answered -- I have no idea... then he goes "didn't you mention you wanted to so something during your last C-section?" (full disclosure - I did mention it because I heard it may be possible to do) and for a minute I thought it was just a random outburst/question... then about 5 seconds later all I could think about, for the rest of the day was... even though I've been losing weight and staying on track -- he knows how much I hate my gut (after 2 c-sections)... so why would he say that? I mean if he brought this up, as I was dressing and he was looking at me.......................... therefore; he thinks my stomach is disgusting which is probably why he turned to PM so much to begin with, because he finds me hideous. I can't get it out of my head, at all.

Then to make matters worse, when he went into the shower to shave, he brought in his phone with him and placed it at arms length... so once the bathroom door closes, he can reach on over and PM; if he feels like it. Which when you put 1 and 2 together... it equals the bad mood I've been in all day.

I am so frustrated and just blah right now. I hate saying this, but sometimes I wonder if I never had kids, would he have dived so deep into PM?? I mean my body changed; a lot - so yea. I dunno.

It's just one of those days...

 

Not yet, kids go to bed at 8pm, can't get a word in while they are running around. I will tonight, during our talking though. It's going to fester if I don't.