Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    547
    1,078
    123
    Good grief! Sometimes I think you and I have been living parallel lives - the same situations, interactions and thoughts. I COMPLETELY get you frustration and hurt. Hugs.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    This life, filled with repercussions of betrayal trauma just sucks. Thank you for understanding, at least we are not alone.
     
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 455:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Avengers: Endgame.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched Game of Thrones and WOW, that episode delivered. Sometimes when I watch something so intense, epic, etc., I completely immerse myself in the show and that excitement, that I almost forgot of the shitty situation I find myself in these days. While we watched Wade offered to give me a foot rub, it really helped my throbbing headache settle down and feel better. I drank wine while we watched, maybe a little too much, but yeah, I think I needed it. Then we went to bed and we talked a bit about the situation some more, I got emotional because all of it is just frustrating. I waited, planned, even bought him gifts for this day (to wear for our anniversary dinner) and all of that was just ruined in an instant because one of his primes asked him to lunch and he just could not refuse. Anyway, we talked and talked - I won't go into the details, all of a sudden it was after 12 am and it was officially our 13-year wedding anniversary, so I wished him a happy anniversary and we decided to exchange some gifts, I gave him half of his gift, a plushie fish and a card filled with my true sentiments... well, what I felt before I was hit by that *reality check* aka that painful bullet (his lunch date with her). It was still sweet, but with the connection lacking, it was just not the same as how I had hoped it would have been. He gave me beautiful Swarovski earrings and a handwritten letter. The next morning I gave him the rest of his gift, a dress shirt, and various sets of ties - that in my opinion go with any look.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Finding Your Way In Life”, in this episode, Bryan Cranston talks about finding your way in life. Remember, in order to get to your best days you'll have to fight through some of your worse days.

    This morning, we watched Avengers: Endgame and it was a fantastic end to an era, I will not spoil anything or geek out here, but it definitely provided fan-service and proper closure for us geeks! as with GoT, I lost myself in the movie and for a good 3-4 hours forgot that it was our Anniversary and all of the negativity surrounding it, it was a good distraction, while it lasted. I feel a little better today after talking a bit about everything, getting out my sadness, hurt and frustrations (my truths) with Wade, but to be honest I'm scared to reconnect, as much as I love it when we are connected and it brings me a feeling of love, intimacy, peace, puts me over the moon, and at ease -- but I don't know if any of that is worth the risk of getting trampled on again, I don't want to go through this amount of pain all over again when I least expect it when again he decides to choose his prime(s) over me. With the awareness this incident has brought me, I'm fearful and even more unsure of my place, in his eyes or his world, I don't feel like he truly considers/desires me on the same level as he does them, so he will always end up picking them and I'll always just be the afterthought, never number one.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved the way my hair came out today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Bryan Cranston: One Thing All Young People Should Do While They're Still Young



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 456:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Morning Walks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched Brené Brown's Netflix special "The Call to Courage" and like her TedTalk, it was really good. It was about her favorite topic, shame, courage and vulnerability, she brought up a lot of personal examples and how to find wins, even if it's not what others would normally consider "winning". She goes over 5 ways that help you be brave, 1) Be Intentional About Who You Accept Feedback From, 2) Belong To Yourself First, 3) Practice Gratitude, 4) Embrace Discomfort and 5) Come Off The Blocks (she goes into a story about her daughter and a swimming meet). Her final quote was powerful: “Vulnerability is hard and it’s scary and it feels dangerous. But it’s not as hard, or scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves: What if I would’ve shown up? What if I would’ve said ‘I love you?’ What if I would’ve come off the blocks? Show up, be seen, answer the call to courage and come off the blocks. Because you’re worth it—you’re worth being brave.” Then he mentioned his knee hurting, so I chimed in with "yeah, my back and feet are too" and I guess that reminded him that he told me in the morning, he was going to give me a foot rub, so he told me he wanted to give me one. I told him no, that I did not bring up my foot pain as a hint, as soon as I said it, I regretted it because I knew it would serve as a verbal cue and that is the last thing I want to do anymore. He knows I do not like it when he says something, then forgets all about it later. He apologized for forgetting and told me that he "wants" to do it and it wasn't because I mentioned anything, he just forget etc. To me though, if it is something you truly 'WANT' to do and had every intention of doing it, without feeling obligated, you will remember and bring it up yourself. He did not forget to go smoke or refill his drink multiple times, because those are things he actually enjoys doing and that is totally fine, I just don't appreciate when something is done for me - out of obligation, instead of genuine intention, when things like that happen, it kind of makes me feel like when he does remember to "want to give me a back rub" or "want to give me a foot rub" because he knows I love them, he is doing it for brownie points and not because he actually enjoys the intimacy gained from it. So, smokes/drinks = good memory, remembering something promised to me = faulty memory... back to my usual point #afterthought if even a thought at all.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Living With Integrity: Avoiding The Biggest Regrets In Life”, in this episode, they talk about living with integrity and avoiding the biggest regrets in life. Remember, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

    This morning, we finally finished BAE's podcast episode "Why Does It Hurt When the Addict Says I'm Beautiful?". The podcast was about how to the betrayed, talk is/feels cheap when it is coming from the addict even if it's genuine on their part. It is not easy or even pleasant for the betrayed to embrace a kind or sweet word/compliment from him after so much trauma and especially not after a trigger. We usually have a difficult time believing, how can something be true like "you're so hot, you're so beautiful" (as they claim) when there is nothing by way of action to support such a statement, based on x amount of years teaching us the exact opposite? I know this mixed bag of feelings all too well, especially after this weekend, it was one of the most painful and roughest for me in a long while. We also talked about my own perception of beauty, and why I feel okay with myself, but understand I'm okay and don't have the need to call myself 'beautiful', we don't agree on this one but - it is, what it is. Then we began listening to Jay Shetty's podcast, "Lilly Singh: ON Why She Took A Break From YouTube" and so far it is okay, just the two of them talking about their inspirations - as I said, we didn't really get too far into it.

    We spoke on and off about how I feel. He kisses me and I've been pecking (tap kissing) him back and he said "you don't even want to kiss me back", I had to explain to him why. As much as my heart (and body) are still drawn to him and want to reconnect as fast as possible, I feel the sensations come/go and want to feel his touch but my mind is pulling the breaks and for good reason, I'm unsure if the risk is worth the onslaught of pain that comes with reconnecting, I feel like we can still talk like we always have, we are both still being honest with each other and that is huge, but maybe full connection isn't needed for that to continue and this way I could save myself from a world of hurt in the future. I continue to feel unresolved maybe it is because I'm still hurting, I am still feeling like I was an afterthought and not a priority, I'm still feeling like I was disregarded/ignored, I'm upset that our anniversary was ruined, it was supposed to be us dressing up, going out, having a date night, etc., that was on my mind the whole time and with one look at her, he forgot the meaning of this weekend and the potential consequences that going out on a one on one lunch 'date' with her could mean to me/us, and even worse I'm still picturing that date in my head, as if it were a bad movie and each time, it makes me sick and pissed off. So, after an event like this Saturday, do I want to be subjected to this much pain again? after all, I know that it is only a matter of time before the 'next' incident like this comes along. I don't want to close my eyes and just jump back into it, be 'hopeful' and blind at the same time. I'm too afraid, there are too many uncertainties, for instance, I'm not clear on where I stand with him because I still feel that no matter what, I'm never going to be his first choice or the one he truly desires and THINKS about over everyone else.

    He also had another one of those live sessions with BAE and I'm curious to hear more about that tonight, hopefully, we'll have time to talk about that.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Hair is still looking fly!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Iman Aghay - Nothing to Regret - small bad habits cause lifelong regrets



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 457:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Peace and quiet.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a back rub, I asked him if he was doing it because of the night before and said no, I really hope so. He told me about the live video session with BAE, where he was picked by Brannon to speak and he asked him about holding space. After he wanted me to listen to a segment from Relationship Theory "Longevity in Relationships", so we could discuss it, I have an inkling he wanted me to hear (and take in) that it is perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, it is human nature, etc., but that's not really what they were trying to explain in context. I was never naive enough to assume that you can only have "eyes for one person, only" however I also did not expect to get married and have my husband have eyes for everyone else, but me... I want safety, security and to have confidence in where I stand in my relationship. I want to be able to walk into any room and still feel that I have all of his attention and focus, no matter who is around us, the kind of security he has and has had from me throughout our whole relationship. Tom makes a big point of explaining that once trust is destroyed, it is difficult to swim in that and trust your partner. I know Wade is working on gaining it back, but there have been many setbacks causing resets (internally for me) which sucks and bring me to such a confusing state. I told Wade, I don't think I will ever get to the point where I can believe that I'm the only one he "wants", which is not saying the only one he finds attractive, but I want to be his #1 priority and the only one he is attracted to... there's a big difference. He keeps telling me that these days he does feel that, but I'm just not sure. He still feels bad about everything that happened and I do too, he has his version and I have mine. I don't think he fully grasps that after the history we've had and especially with that coworker, this Saturday, to me, was him choosing to spend our anniversary with her, just like two years ago - instead of me and that persistent, invading thought just kills me (every single time it pops up). However, after a lot of hard conversations, I felt closer to him and I think I did start opening myself up for some connection, but not completely...yet, especially after this morning added onto it. I fucking love him so much, going through these whirlwinds of emotion is so painful and frustrating.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Increase Willpower and Determination”, in this episode, we are shown 5 powerful psychological factors that affect our levels of willpower. 1- breaking down big goals into small ones, 2- believing that you can accomplish your goals, 3- believe that you have tons of willpower, 4- change identity. Don’t identify with the bad habit, and 5- think more long term and general concerning goals. Remember, willpower is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.

    This morning, Wade took our little one on a short/local class trip and dropped me off on the trail, so I could get my walk in. While there I listened to music, but I also squeezed in a podcast. I listened to 'Something You Should Know', episode "Become the Person You Want to Be & Great Ways to Save Time & Money" which had a few interviews and quite interesting ones I might add. Executive coach Marshall Goldsmith author of "Triggers" offers really solid, concrete advice for making lasting positive changes in your life and achieving your goals. Then, Mark Di Vincenzo, author of "Buy Ketchup in May & Fly at Noon", shares some fascinating facts everyone should know – like the best time to book an airline flight, the best time to go to the bank or post office for the shortest wait, how bright colored walls devalue your home and more. I walked for almost two hours, waiting on updates from Wade, so I knew if I should just walk home or wait a little longer for him to pick me up. He found time to text me random messages, but then time was ticking, I was getting tired and cold, I shoot him a message asking if he is about done there or not - I didn't hear back for over 20 minutes, when he was clearly responding only two minutes before I sent that message. More time passed, I got frustrated and again it showed me that I can not trust that will ever put me at the top of his mind. Even if I did not send him a message, he knows I am walking in the cold, waiting for updates from him, but he obviously didn't stop to think about that (aka showing he was concerned) he could have easily said to me "hey, we're still here, you may want to walk home" or "I think we are wrapping up, so wait a little longer" -- he left me with, uncertainty, a feeling I can not stand. Then when he finally picked me up, instead of a clean apology/empathy, he went right into right-fighting and defense mode. Mentally I felt like I was stranded on an island, all alone, screaming and no one could hear me or help me. Only after a while did he realize what he did, but it was a little too late by then.

    Then my parents came over and sat here for over 2 hours, I am completely drained today, the life has been sucked right out of me.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I looked like an Eskimo, compared to others walking, lol, but at least I was warmer than them!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    5 LIFE HACKS That Will MOTIVATE You To Do ANYTHING



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    547
    1,078
    123
    Very well put. It's not wrong to want reciprocity from a partner.
    So sorry, sweetie.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you <3
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 458:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Sunrise.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched some TV but I was feeling so drained and felt as though I am just here to be everyone else's stepping stool, so I wanted some extra love and attention, right then and there. My top love language is touch, so I asked Wade if he could caress me a bit, I never ask for anything, but as I mentioned, I needed it, just something for myself, for once. However, apparently that what too much of an ask, it seemed like he started and a few times tried to stop and move into another position, so I could give him what he wanted instead, he kept trying to rush the one simple ask I had of him, being selfish and continuing to put his needs before mine, as usual. I got frustrated and told him, just hurry up and get into the position already, then all of a sudden he stops and starts caressing me and telling me he wants to do it, he's feeling a new sensation and really enjoying it. I said, if you enjoyed it so much, you wouldn't keep trying to stop/move on, so just let's get this over with and get to the position you want. I was completely turned off by this point, but he kept going with it. It took me forever to get myself focused enough to get turned on again because I was frustrated and I guess triggered at the fact that it was such a simple request and he couldn't even give those 5-10 minutes. When we were finished, he saw my mood shifted but he said "I know, we'll talk about it tomorrow morning" and I said 'fine' and we went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Change Your Life For The Better”, in this episode, Gavin Stevenson talks about how to change your life for the better. Remember, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

    This morning, we walked and talked at the mall, we had a lot to discuss (from last night). He said he realizes what he did and he didn't mean for it to happen like that, he apologized and I explained to him exactly how it came off to me. I told him, talk is cheap, he can tell me he only wants me, cares about me, puts me first and I'm his top priority - but if he acts in a way that contradicts that, then the words mean nothing. We spoke about his selfish behaviors and how he needs to change because I refuse to tolerate being put last anymore, not by someone who's supposed to love and cherish me. We tried continuing Jay Shetty's podcast, "Lilly Singh: ON Why She Took A Break From YouTube", it is a really long interview, but she made some good points about balance - when it comes to anything, without it, you will get burnt out. I've been trying to live through this motto for the year and a half. Balance is the key to success in my opinion as I mentioned yin/yang. Wade was too distracted about last night, yesterday and this weekend that he couldn't really pay attention to it, so on the way home we just listened to music.

    I love him to death, but if he doesn't get his selfish behaviors under control and actually start showing me that I'm his priority through actions (especially when it counts/is important) and not just trying to verbally convince me of it - I don't know if it is something I want to live with, I'll never be secure or happy.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: The color blend my hair has, somehow it happened lol!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-care
    3 Things You Must Give Up Each Morning That Will Raise Your Vibration Instantly



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 459:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Morning Walks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade decided to spoil me, I have to admit it felt nice having a night all about me, I know that sounds selfish, but this does not happen often. He gave me a back rub, in a new way and it was literally mind-blowing, then we went to watch TV and he gave me a foot rub too, I loved it. What a totally different feeling/sensation from this entire week.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Talks About How To Improve Your Self Esteem”, in this episode, Les Brown talks with us about how to improve your self-esteem. Remember, you have within you right now every single thing you need to deal with whatever the world throws at you.

    This morning, we went down to the mall for our walk and talk, we finally finished Jay Shetty's podcast, "Lilly Singh: ON Why She Took A Break From YouTube", overall it was decent podcast, a little too long for my taste and it felt like there was more 'filler' than substance for the most part. She opens up about how it feels when being called a role model, her relationships both personal and professional, even her struggles with depression and defining what success looks like in her life, most importantly how "balance" is the key to success and fulfillment. Then we discussed us, also his new found awareness on how deep his selfishness goes. We had a good conversation and morning.

    Later on today we decided to ask my parents to sit with the kids, so we could go down to a local pool hall and just kick back for an hour or two. I hope there won't be any incidents there, but it is a Friday, so who knows.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Hair still on point!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Les Brown - How To Improve Your Self Esteem



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 460:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Family time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we went to a pool hall, I thought it was going to be a trigger zone but somehow, we got lucky and the place was empty. We had a really great time playing pool, exchanging small talk, joking around and just spending quality time together. Once we got home and got the kids settled, we decided to continue the fun and have a movie night. We watched "A Star is Born" and it was a phenomenal movie. It was much more than what I expected it to be, I thought it was going to be a 'love story' aka 'chick flick' type of movie, but actually, it was relevant to what everyone on this forum is going through - life and love, in addiction. Wade and I found ourselves having a lot of reflective moments throughout the movie, even though Mr. Cooper's addiction was drugs and alcohol, but the detrimental effect it had on those around him, is no different than any other addiction, like PM. So many similarities, it was an emotional trip down memory lane. Afterward, he spent some dedicated time on me and that led to some fun... which was nice for everyone involved.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Overcoming Negative Thinking Habits”, in this episode, Aaron Doughty shares his thoughts about overcoming negative thinking habits. Remember, a negative mind will never give you a positive life.

    This morning, we had to drive my parents to their doctor's appointment, in another city, so we decided to make a day of it and took the kids too. We went to one of our favorite restaurants where the food was as yummy as ever. Of course, the whole drive to and from was quite draining mentally and physically, but - it is, what it is, that meal was worth it lol. Overall, both today and yesterday were a great relief compared to the last week we've had - which was full of triggers, hurt, pain, disconnection, etc. Tonight we are planning for another mindless movie night, can't wait to put the kids in bed!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved the fit of my light sweater!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How to Break the Addiction to Negative Thinking



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    864
    2,531
    143
    I am saying what I'm about to say out of care and hope that you and Wade can get some serious perspective...

    Firstly I dont always follow everyone's journal as closely as I used to given my son has started walking and I dont get on as much

    But from what I had read I say this to you to help...

    Cut out nudity with tv.... for him. Watch all the game of thrones you want when he isn't around, but he needs to stay away. The constant nudity on a screen is keeping him in a porn state. My husband used to say it wasnt triggering but looking back to when he used to see it and if he by accidentally sees it today there is a huge difference but to this day he stays away.

    If Wade wants to recover and is serious about it, nudity in all forms will be chucked out the window and not seen again. The only naked body he needs (and should want to see) is yours.

    I think its amazing that you are always posting inspirational videos and things you've done but from what i read you half way grieve wanting to get back to that good place and dont fully take the time to heal from the set back which I think might confuse Wade into thinking it wasnt as bad as it was.... so please don't rush this latest trauma. This was a real big one. Like, if I had been in your shoes my husband would have had divorce papers waiting at home for him.

    I am also highly confused that he is still working with someone that was part of his addiction, most addicts get rid of all things involved in addiction when getting into recovery which means a complete purge. Used that laptop to watch? Sell it. Used that phone? Sell it. Used at work? Get new job if you can etc. You get my drift.

    I think given you've been here so long and with how often Wade keeps tripping up clearly something needs to change.

    I know that I always tell people one of the reasons my husband is hitting 3 years clean is because we did a complete cleanse and we took a super intense approach.

    When I had our dday (which was on our relationship anniversary) I was broken. But I knew addiction and I knew recovery and I knew what it takes to recover.

    We got rid of video games (highly sexualized female characters in most video games anyways) and he was also addicted to that. We didn't watch TV with any nudity or sex scenes and if we were watching our cop detective shows with a prostitute episode I would scroll through the episode and tell him when to look away. In the beginning he screwed up with looking away but now it's a natural reaction. No beaches, and limit mall time and plan it strategically given that summer ads are highly provacative. These are just some of the measures we took in the very beginning to assure he wasn't getting dopamine highs from other areas which keep them in an addicted state.

    Again, I say all this because I hope you can look back on the past year and see what is and is not working. Pinpoint things that happened right before something bad happened ,your journal is so detailed you have the luxery to be able to go back and see what was happening. Use it, it is the key, same with Wade (depending on how detailed and honest he was when journaling).

    You Jag are going to survive no matter if Wade is by your side or not. You are clearly a very resiliant brave and determined person. Wade, I think, needs to get a real reality check. Any addict that is really serious about quitting knowing he could lose it all will take extreme measures even if it's not fun or convenient. In the beginning my husband often asked about video games or how long until we can do X and I said it's "never" or "how long did you do this? Well at least twice the time of your betrayal"

    I know, being the partner of an addict -no matter the addiction - is not fair. We as partners need to make changes to support a recovery styled life style. I love the carribean and tropics but I know I am not going there anymore, and surely never with my husband. I know that I have given up watching shows I used to love but I don't mind as the less TV time we've had the stronger our emotional connection has been as it leaves more time for real deep connections through conversation, playing board games, going on drives with coffee and blasting our favorite music jamming out together laughing our asses off.

    I really think you guys can do this, but I think Wade needs to take some serious time to reflect about where he is, what are his triggers, and what his life in 100% recovery looks like and know that it means giving up things he used to like/be into etc.

    Again, all said with love and care and desire for you guys to kick this addiction in the ass!
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I understand and any feedback is always welcome.

    Luckily (so far) this season of GoT hasn't had much in the way of nudity, just gore, and fighting. As for keeping him away from any nudity, my personal take on that - I'm afraid setting such a boundary is an unrealistic expectation in this day and age, it's everywhere from random shows, movies (even those you'd assume are safe), AD's, billboards, anywhere you go really (especially where we live, it's everywhere). I do not think it is possible to cut it all off completely if he would come to me and says he hasn't seen any nudity or barely there imagery on storefronts, I would be instantly triggered because I would know he is lying to me. Plus, the woman doesn't have to be nude for him to become lustful, with or without clothes his mind can go there, so for me, the most important part is that he develops the discipline and self-control to no longer need to ogle/lust (after other women) and is easily able to fight his urges. I don't want to feel like I'm controlling him and he is on his best behavior because he knows I'm handling him, then when something pops up out of nowhere and I'm not around, he is ill-prepared and can't control himself. He needs to have discipline and self-control, not because I want him to do so, but because it is what he wants to do, for himself. So far, he has been on track with that, and also pretty open and honest with me. He has gotten a lot better than where he was over a year ago, in terms of lusting or ogling - I'm having more issues controlling my own PTSD going off when I notice those women, than me, actually seeing him ogle, these days. I guess I just have a different perspective on how I look at it, I may be wrong, I may be right, but it's my own personal belief system.

    Oh I know this last setback was a big one, and now he knows it too, we've talked about it all week, he finally connects the dots as to why it was as big of a deal that it was and he tried to explain why he wasn't thinking outside of the box on this. He said something didn't sit right and he was honest with me about it, he didn't hide anything. We're mastering the art of being comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and learning from each setback. I'm still not fully healed yet, this vacation of his was ruined... he can feel it these days when things aren't "peachy" as I kind of tune out a bit, it's difficult to explain but neither of us enjoys it. Now because of this setback, he has gotten a lot more aware of just how bad his selfish personality trait is and finally sees some of the points I've been trying to make for a while. As I mentioned, we try to at least learn something from each setback, now that he is aware, he can approach this problem differently.

    He can not leave his job, it's union, he would lose his retirement and pension if he does. He doesn't see her often, she works a different shift, it just so happened that (as @Susannah like's to say) a cosmic joke occurred and he had to work a double, so they got assigned to work together by their boss. He just could have made different choices when it came to lunch, which is why what happened, happened.

    He has made major changes at work though, to the point where his co-workers make fun of him for no longer being apart of their group texts (porn filled) and not checking out women. It's major for them to notice the changes, especially since no one there knows he is in recovery.

    Yes, we do hit snags here and there, I think this last one opened his eyes quite a bit though. If he can figure out how to manage or control his selfish tendencies, that would play a huge role in everything else. It has been the culprit behind most of his setbacks because he didn't think ahead or think of how his actions would or could affect me.

    However, I don't consider most of his mistakes huge in the grand scheme of things (other than this last one). I have one major boundary in place for him, be honest under any and all circumstances and so far, he has not broken that one. He has been honest about everything, even things he could have easily hidden - that's how I determine if he is in real recovery or just checking boxes. I understand that mistakes are apart of recovery, a lot of times it is because of those mistakes (after the anger/shitstorm settles) we are able to sit down, talk it out and learn what happened and what we can do to change it, so it does not happen again. He has changed, grown and is completely different than how he was during his addiction, even with some setbacks here and there, this time when he makes mistakes he is actually remorseful and tries to empathize - before he wasn't even phased.

    Thank you again for your honest feedback, I appreciate it, being a partner that gets thrown into this, just sucks -- for everyone involved.

    Enjoy those years when your baby is starting to walk, soon they'll be running and shortly after the nonstop "mommy, but why!" will begin, then you'll miss these years lol
     
  13. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    864
    2,531
    143
    I totally spaced that you are in NYC which yes.... there are triggers everywhere. But I guess for us, obviously we couldn't limit everything but in the beginning we gave my husband the best chance at being successful by cutting 80% of it out. Obviously we have billboards around us and the mall ads are pretty bad at times, etc. and so we just did our best. But the no nudity we were pretty strict on given that nudity on a screen no matter what it is reactivates the porn wiring in the brain.

    And ogling and lusting, my husband never went through that, but I know @Kenzi and her husband did and I know they had a 3 second rule and ways they dealt with it and I do believe today he doesn't struggle nearly the way he used to, so maybe she can give some solid pointers.

    And yes, obviously we want our addicts to be able to have self-control and we are not their mothers.... but addicts in the beginning of recovery (and if they keep relapsing/hiding/lying etc they are still in "active mode" essentially because the wires are bring fired up) they need strictness and structure. I say this not only for PA's but all addicts. Give an addict and inch, they will take a mile. Eventually the strictness and structure loosen as they are out of the fog, doing well in recovery and you can see a genuine change - which I do think Wade had had those genuine moments thus far, which is great!

    Oh yeah, that is so hard! I get it, I mean my husband wasn't an ogler, but given I found all his history I know the exact types he saw and looked at so when I see those types in real life even if they aren't triggers for him anymore and such I still am in fight or flight mode ready to bolt and panic.

    Something that has helped us is that we know that we are going to run into situations that are just BAD for one or both of us as we try to live a life of recovery.... so in those situations, usually my husband can totally tell, but even if not, and I make it known that my trigger level is extremely high because of X then we have come up with many solutions for possible situations (i.e. triggering girl walks in and sits in husbands view, we switch seats.... guys start calling girls bitches, cunts, whores and talking porn and stuff, he calls them out on it and leaves, being invited to a bar late at night, he tells the guys to come over instead as we have a little one and are tied up,e tc.). We also have a code word for if either of us is triggered so we can just say that and we can do our best to support each other and make the situation as easy as it can possibly be.

    For me I've learned that I can handle 1-2 triggers a day if they are spaced out.... but if I get bombarded with trigger, after trigger, after trigger, (like at a mall or something) then I am already gone in BT/PTSD mode. So we do have plans for those times where we will need to go to a mall to get clothes.... it just has taken a lot of communication and for him to really be understanding which came with recovery time.

    Ohhhhh okay, got it. At least they work different shifts.... in the future, I would definitely have a talk about if he ever does end up getting a shift with her he lets you know ASAP and lets you know about all the information you need/want to know. For me, I would want to know where they are (at work, at a work site, grabbing food) and I would want to know the conversation topics and if she was flirty/ trying to touch him and if so, how did he handle the situation (i.e. "I have a wife, you really need to stop flirting and touching me, you're making me uncomfortable and I really wouldn't want to take this to HR and want to nip it here in the bud, thanks and I hope you can respect my feelings on it" etc).

    Well it's good he has changed, and fuck those guys lol. I know my husband called out on of his past co-workers when he was talking VS models and my husband was pointing out how unhealthy they are, the standards, the diets they go on etc. and how they are a person and the guy was young (20?) and was like, "well she is hot" lol but he did try which is what counted. I hope Wade is/can be that brave as he continues into recovery.

    Is he in therapy, coaching, etc.? I think you have mentioned before something about the BAE group? Are they getting to the root of the issue? Is he doing self-reflection? Is he changing routines/routes/habits that can help with changing his mindsets? etc.


    Okay, I get that. Given that you used the word mistake (which they are) I do hope Wade is conscious that those were his choices (which also are mistakes at the same time) but just wanted to make sure he was making that distinction for himself.


    No problem, and yes, being the partner in this.... is royal hell. Seriously there are days I just don't want to get out of bed (especially after nightmares about this whole thing) and then there are days I am like "I can do this!" it's a damn crazy roller coaster.

    And yes, everything seems to be flying by, he is trying to run already and he is just everywhere and getting into everything it's so hard to keep up haha
     
  14. Thank you for your posts ladies, the notes and attention to detail is very good.

    @Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    I thank you for saying you have a two or three tiered system of defense to deal with your developed triggers (you are referring to yourself as an SO right)?

    It seemed to me being the AP and wife has literally given you anxiety, nervousness, and other trauma-like symptoms long into recovery. Is that accurate?

    @Jagliana
    I Read you mention ptsd—has taking the role (of an AP) also caused you ptsd symptoms? I’m assuming this is betrayal trauma, then?

    Your detailed notes Wow. Here at nofap I have seen different records that members keep to identify and resolve their challenges, one guy I follow tabulates his urges everyday.
    Everyday. He averages 40 I saw.
    Then categorizes then low, moderate, high.

    A young man for whom I am his AP, keeps tally on how many times he would have pmo’d versus his tracker. ( to give some indication of improvement).

    When I saw the relapse dates you know about i just shrank. If these accounting systems were medical procedures we would rate them with a percentage of success. If 100% success were realistic then the reality of your system would reflect in its vulnerability meaning a failure would make it 90% success, 50% success etc.

    If your accountability system were a treatment plan that you were to recommend to the next generation ——what grade would you assign it? And why ?
     
  15. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    864
    2,531
    143
    @need4realchg I think in the very beginning (which was almost 3 years ago) I fell into AP given we didn't have many resources at the time nor the help and I'd already been through the drill of addiction and recovery in my own life so I knew how it went and took charge when my husband was literally shell shocked at the reality of what he had done and was a zombie. I definitely think having an outside AP is best but that doesn't mean you don't check in with your partner about what they need from you. When my husband and I went through the Intimacy Anorexia/ Married and Alone program I loved that my husband had a sponsor and was supposed to work through things with the sponsor, it left me more time to relax and do my own recovery work and I could check in with my husband and ask how his call went and we would talk about anything that we had agreed we as a couple would discuss.

    And we have many many things that we have changed for both of us. My husband isn't triggered anymore and seems perfectly fine navigating life whereas with my betrayal trauma (and my own anorexia) I cannot just walk in life and be okay, I am the one who is traumatized and triggered so any issues we default to my comfort levels as I heal. And we have come very far. In the beginning my husband didn't have a computer or phone or tech at all as the trust was 100% gone and technology use sent me into a PTSD attack. These days, my husband birthday just passed and I bought him a new laptop and he has EverAccountable on it and I honestly forget to check it because trust has been rebuilt for the most part. He still checks in with me, and he now in recovery has deep respect for what he has done and accomodates me when it comes to triggers. We use certain routes given others have stores like VS or ads, or we agree that when we go to the Mall it's in the fall and winter and we just shop for year round stuff then, etc. We have both come up with, compromised, and agreed on a new recovery lifestyle that is fair to both of us. If we ever need to revisit it, tweak it, we do. My list of boundaries and consequences has shifted dramatically over the years. At this point it's very small compared to what it used to be as trust has been earned. In recovery you will need to figure out what works and what doesn't and as you move through recovery those things will shift.

    The Betrayal Trauma is from his lies. The anxiety is because I discovered his history and saw EVERYTHING. Had he been honest from the get-go I would not be suffering Betrayal Trauma. I would be a spouse, happy that my husband was honest with me and I would have gotten him the proper help. I am almost graduated with my BA in Forensic Psych and am very familiar with methods of help in a variety of issues - especially addiction related so even though I was bombarded and totally devasted when I found everything.... I picked myself up, put on a strong face and just said either you're in recovery or you're out. I would not live with an active addict (as I have my own sobriety to worry about adn don't need an active addict dragging me back to those active addict days).

    Hope that helps/clarifies
     
  16. I wish you would post 1,000 more times than you do.
    Elucidated and concise writing is what helps those of us with reduced attention spans get the point. Your message was tremendously effective. My wife is a child Psychologist, and refuses to do the things you have done here, but I understand her reasons too.

    She, when our problems began, went to counseling and kept telling me to consider it. As most men, I thought counseling meant, "I don't know how to think." I knew I was wrong, I didn't think talking about it would change my mind; my mom tried to shame me into changing, that didn't work, I had already tried praying for years, promises, self-harm, etc, nothing I ever tried worked. I went to numerous counselors anyways:

    the first was a group that was for SA (I'm one), it was too kumbaya, I got the first coin and left.
    the second was a group of mostly LDS guys, in that one I felt awkward since I'm not part of that particular brand of believers, and our acting out was nothing in the same universe.
    the third group was like a guided reading group study, we had homework and talked about the role of men, etc.
    I even had a female who I went to her the most ; one if the questions she asked made my wife infuriated. The psychologist said "if there were no stigma from watching porn how would you feel about doing it? " that screwed with my thinking as I realized she was right-- my guilt and shame came from the stigma not from what it caused my family or myself.

    If you have a journal, please let me see it. Thanks for your candor on dealing with addictions in general. I find many of the SO's do not really understand the depravity addiction can create, so they have false, unrealistic expectations. There is one guy I'm the AP for, he can't (I'm being totally serious) he cannot commit to very basic grooming functions, his depression/addiction has overtaken him. These guys are empty shells worse than their wives in many cases. They don't believe help will work, or that recovery is truly possible. They have stopped hoping because they did all that by themselves long before they got caught...
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yep lol NYC, sex/half-naked women sell stuff here like hot cakes and so of course since money talks, it is used to promote anything and everything, it's pathetic but unfortunately reality.

    He has actually gotten much better with ogling/slips, we've worked out our own system, where full honesty and complete awareness is the best policy for us. He is able to recognize the difference between unintentional slips, where his eyes just meet anyone's ass (because of 'force of habit', which he is working on, like even finding his eyes automatically going downward, even if a grandpa passing by) so meaning slips out of reflex, even if there is zero attraction. He is able to recognize if someone is attractive, but not go into lust anymore. He is able to distinguish the difference (finally!) between noticing someone attractive versus being attracted to someone, he can even be mindful enough to break it down. Changes are happening on his end and he is out of the fog, for sure, but for me though, due to my own issues on it, I still just find it difficult to believe, after everything I've witnessed/been through for over 12 years, that I'm the one he wants/desires - especially after triggers, when I compare myself to how those other women look (how different we are). I know that recovery rewires their brains, I know it's science blah blah, but my brain was never in a fog, it was all painful and real to me.

    Boundaries came about differently for us, I would kindly inform him what makes me uncomfortable or could possibly trigger me, then he would decide whether or not to put up his own boundaries/bottom liners (for himself). So far, it has been working well, he hasn't lied or relapsed yet. There was only one boundary I set in place from the start and the only one I care about, it was - be honest, no matter what. Thing is, I told him from the get-go, whether you work your recovery (for yourself) or not, does not matter to me because I'm going to go ahead and work on myself, either way, it is totally up to you whether you join me or lose me.

    Yeah, I'm so glad they work different shifts. Thankfully he was honest about it, he called me when he went to lunch, but for me, even though I appreciate the honesty, but all things considered that 'notice' was already too late - it should have been earlier, so I could have let him know that I wouldn't like it. This woman is married with two kids, she is friendly/flirty by nature though, with everyone. I don't blame her anyway, for any of this, it was his choice to objectify her and make me feel 'less than' when she was around, that's all on him, not her.

    I agree, fuck them all, that boys will be boys mentality is what sucks-in decent guys and changes them too, "herd mentality". Wade has been standing up to them and he says he doesn't care if they make fun of him for it, I'm proud of him for that.

    He did therapy earlier, he was in Coby's coaching group (BAE) and stopped this month because that was a huge letdown and waste of money. Coby dropped the ball a lot and I feel so bad for the guys just starting recovery that are in his group and have no one else. He doesn't check in on them, if Wade didn't do it, they would have gotten completely unnoticed or ignored, even after relapses. Wade, gathered the courage to bring it up at one of the live group's, that Coby should be mentoring and stepping in more because that's what everyone is paying for, so he began checking in once in a blue moon. So, one of the guys relapsed, Coby responded almost a full week later and goes "It's okay, just be like Taylor Swift and shake it off!"... I was like WTF, what kind of response or "mentoring" is that?!

    Oh yeah, his entire lifestyle has changed, self-care (routines) is major for him, outlooks on everything have changed, we do so much together, even stuff that used to fall squarely on me. He's genuine, put forth the effort and is remorseful/empathizes. There are days where I'm in a funk and instead of letting me wallow/be lazy, he pushes me to work on my routines - instead of taking advantage or manipulating me/the situation. On this front, there is huge progress and major changes, there are times when I talk to him about our past, I feel like I'm talking to a new man about an ex - it's weird.

    Yes and that has been one of the biggest, most notable differences between then and now. When he fucks up (mistake/setback - major or minor) he actually feels it, sits in it and even tries to empathize with my side of it, even if it is a day late. His apology is sincere and not the "sorry, here's a flower, let's move on already" kind of crap he used to do.

    We are able to sit and talk about the issue, go through it and rationalize it and come up with solutions, together.

    It is a trip, the kind of emotional roller coaster I prefer not to ride on, but here we are, ugh.

    It is hard to keep up with the kiddos, but no matter what people tell you, it does not get easier when they get older! ugh lol #sorry
     
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Actually being his AP does not trigger me, I am able to hold his space when he is in shame and help him process and figure out where it stems from.

    My PTSD is from witnessing him ogle other women for over 12 years, so when I see a certain "type" of woman, that triggers me and my PTSD comes up (doubting if I'm enough, who he desires, comparing myself to them, etc).

    I'm not sure what you mean by relapse dates? if you mean the dates under "Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies" on my posts, those aren't for relapses (PM), he has not relapsed since starting recovery (yet). Those are dates for when he was inconsistent, acted in a selfish/inconsiderate way to the point where he triggered me, we had discord, or did not tell me about something (whether he realized it was important enough to tell or not).

    I think because Wade has remained honest with me, no matter how painful the truth was or knowing I would not find out on my own - I think our system is working, for us.
     
  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    864
    2,531
    143
    I have a couple, so here are the links in order of them being written (different phases of recovery)
    1. "Is there a right way for being strong? Feel like I'm doing things all wrong"
    2. "I still need something to believe in"
    3. "As long as you're here with me, I know we'll be okay"

    Holy shit. Really? My god, I was always curious about BAE... I would like to talk more about them, PM me?


    Holy fuck, no. Did he really say that? I am sorry is this guy healed or checked out still? Like if you are running a coaching group you better be there for your clients, that is just so unprofessional I am so sorry that you guys had that experience.
     
  20. Let me see if i understood. Your trigger is from watching women that are your husbands pmo type?


    So, let’s pretend the type that he oodles is the kardashian—big butt kinda thing... so when you see chick with that attribute you are triggered to shut down, and disconnect?

    If so, then do you get triggered without him or with him?

    For the relapse dates—- i thought you were recording when he relapsed. Ok so it’s not a pmo relapse it’s a relational breakdown somehow, communication, trust, connection, etc. Are the dates only when he has let you down ? Do you or he record when you cause the breakdown? I guess off hand it looks one sided. Not sure if that’s what it is?

    I’m seeing the blowback of recovery , it’s something that we don’t imagine. I think the recovery fantasy is as a PA, “ I will kick this thing and everything will be ok, we can go back to hugging kissing and having real sex again!”

    But wait,—- now that you have kicked the habit, your SO has new triggers that were developed in helping you so you now need to help her .

    I never thought about that.
    Is this accurate to your experience ?
     

Share This Page