Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 450:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Our daughter's Honor Roll Award.
    3) Peace and Quiet.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked a few minutes about a course he was selected for (something new BAE is testing) for six weeks. He said it was interesting and really made him think. Afterward, we watched some TV and then he had to go to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Benefits of Having a Personal Growth Plan”, in this episode, Toby Robbins explains how to get results in those areas of your life that matter most with a personal growth plan. Remember, in life change is automatic, but real progress is not.

    This morning, we had our daughters honor roll ceremony. We didn't get a chance to walk and talk. School events make me nervous because my trigger(s) is always there and without fail, she was there and in a bodycon dress at that. Of course, I got triggered and it bothered me, I tried to stay distracted as best as I could. Unfortunately, I couldn't help but think/imagine what Wade was thinking when he saw her, what she was wearing and how it shaped her body. As we were leaving, she was standing there and said to me "Hey! you look great!" and I said "thank you", but all thought was, "how I look doesn't matter because my husband prefers how you look anyway". :emoji_shrug: Wade, asked me how I was, once we got in the car, if it was bad for me there and I told him that I tried to distract myself and keep it stuffed down as much as possible - but what else could I do, it's not like I could leave before my daughter got her award anyway.

    Once we got home, I was mindless all day, bad I know but I needed to just decompress a bit. I hate being on this never-ending emotional roller coaster, yesterday was so good for us and today it went right down and that's how it goes, all the time -- up, down, up, down -- it's exhausting and it sucks.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Was able to keep my cool during a school event, triggering place with Wade there.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tony Robbins: Find Your Passion



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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    Wade W. Wilson and Susannah like this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 451:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walks.
    3) Nap time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I came into the bedroom and I told him I was ready to listen to "Inspiring Your Partner to Exceed Expectations" from Relationship Theory because he really wanted to relisten to it with me to go over some points. I had finally settled down from my earlier trigger and put it behind me as best as I could, so I could focus and be there mentally. We listened and reflected on some of the similarities that we shared with Tom and Lisa, he made fun of me for procrastinating when it comes to my health issues, just like Tom. As we were listening I began getting cold, as I usually do, it's like my internal thermostat is broken, he began warming me up, one thing led to another. After that, we decided to put the video on hold until morning and just cuddle, he began telling me about how he can relate to Terry Crews, even though they come from two completely different backgrounds and lifestyles, but the further he gets into the book, he sees more of himself and even me in Terry's wife. We ended on such a tender and connected note, I didn't want him to go. But it was time for him to start getting ready for work, we went into the kitchen, I asked him if there was anything else on his mind, as I usually do... that's when the night took a bit of a turn. He said "yes" and brought up my trigger from the morning. I was a bit surprised because I figured we already talked about it in the car and if it was bothering him, it would have been brought up before we began watching the video, when we had more time to discuss it. Anyway, he said it was bothering him because he read my journal and didn't like how when my trigger told me that I looked good, I thought to myself that it doesn't matter how I look because my husband prefers looking at her anyway. He (of course) says that's not true, he only wants me right now and when he sees he now, all he can think is how much pain he has caused me. However, revisiting this trigger again, ended up retriggering me because it made me think about all of it, all over again, picturing her again, etc., right before I was supposed to go to bed and as he had one foot out the door... so the conversation was left unresolved. I was triggered all night and couldn't fall asleep for hours, even with Nyquil. Then to add insult to injury, when I finally did fall asleep, my little one woke me up and then the other one was up at 3:20 am, watching TV when she should have been sleeping, it was a total cluster... of a night.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Achieve Your Goals and Dreams”, in this episode, we get an inspiring message on how to achieve your goals and dreams. Remember, if you do what is easy your life will be hard, but if you do what is hard your life will be easy.

    This morning, I was so run down, I didn't feel like doing anything other than passing out... between my mood after being retriggered and the kids keeping me up in the wee hours of the night, I was out of it. Wade pushed me to go walk anyway, we didn't go outside even though it was sunny, the windchill was crisp and cold. On the way to the mall, Wade told me he thought about our discussion throughout the night and how he should have probably left it alone, especially since I appeared to be over it by then, etc. He said he was in shame and felt bad about how we ended it, all night, but he was grateful to me, that even though I was going through my own trigger, I was still there to listen to him support him in his shame and hold his space. We had a good, raw and honest talk about it all. Then at the mall, we continued listening to the Relationship Theory episode, pausing in between and discussing our own situations that were relatable. I still feel a bit down overall, but I am a whole lot better than I was in the morning, but it could also be because I am tired.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: As must as I wanted to fall apart and do nothing today, I didn't.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Inspiring Your Partner to Exceed Expectations



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 452:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Music.
    3) School days.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk too much. I vented my frustrations about a weird phone call from my doctor at almost 8 pm, then we went to watch TV. He gave me a really comforting and soothing foot rub which I really appreciated.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Stop Wishing and Create the Life You Want”, in this episode, Jim Rohn talks about how to stop wishing and actually create the life you want. Remember, we must learn to be happy with what we have while in pursuit of what we want.

    This morning, hmm well, started out okay but turned for the worse rather quickly. So, we dropped off the girls at school, then stopped by Dunkin to pick up some coffee's before we drove down to the mall for our usual walk and talk. At Dunkin, I headed for the restroom and he went to order the drinks. As I was walking out there were two women walking in, so I had to wait, then walk behind them in order to get to the line (where Wade was already by the counter). One of the women was his 'prime type' and triggered me. I tried to contain my trigger as best as I could, tried to ground myself *breathing in and out* and put it behind me as best as I could so that we would be able to listen to a podcast, talk and go on with our day as usual. We get into the car, turned on the newest BAE podcast, which actually sounded interesting, it was called "Why Does It Hurt When the Addict Says I'm Beautiful?" and began driving/listening. The podcast was essentially about how sometimes to the betrayed, words are cheap coming from the addict, and it is not easy or even pleasant for the betrayed to embrace a kind or sweet word/compliment from him after so much trauma. We usually have a difficult time believing, how can something be true like "you're so hot, you're so beautiful" (as they claim) when there is nothing by way of action to support such a statement, based on x amount of years teaching us the exact opposite? I know this mixed bag of feelings all too well. Anyway, we didn't get to finish it this morning, maybe tonight. So, we got to the mall and Wade starts giving me various compliments (ironically) telling me how I'm starting to turn him on, mind you, I'm triggered, but I'm also aware that I never let him know I was triggered either, so he is being playful, and me all of a sudden having an attitude would confuse him, so I decided to be upfront and tell him I was triggered - that's when shit hit the fan. As soon as I said I had a trigger, he looked surprised and said, something to the effect of: "I didn't notice anyone there who'd trigger you", I thought to myself, (1) yeah right, he didn't notice anyone, in the whole store, the whole time we were in there and (2) why would I tell you I got triggered, if I didn't get triggered, for fun or to start drama? but I thought to myself "whatever, let's just move on", I told him to go ahead and turn on his headset, so we can continue listening to the podcast and instead of dropping it, he says "was it the blonde with the blue jeans?" which was equivalent to someone throwing fuel on an already burning fire, because BINGO, he randomly did end up noticing her, while not noticing her, oddly enough... all I heard in my triggered head was "you just said you didn't notice anyone, however, you actually did! in fact, you noticed your prime, what a total coincidence! to the point where you were able to describe her hair and clothes, impressive for someone you didn't notice... *hmm* -- so then I bring that up and we had a whole back and forth about it, he went on the defensive and as he kept going and going, he kept throwing in random details and changing/adjusting his story, from not noticing, to seeing her from his peripheral vision when she walked in, but totally missed the frumpy woman (also blonde) directly in front of her and me walking right behind her, that he must have looked at his phone and then saw her and then looked back down. So then he noticed or "didn't notice" his prime but if he remembered her hair and pants, was I invisible to him? since I was right behind her or was I not interesting enough, so he decided instead of noticing me too, to look at his phone? food for thought. I don't like evolving stories or trickling out truths, I asked him to drop it, we could agree to disagree, but instead, we had this back and forth going for almost two hours. He also kept implying why would he lie about this, when he tells me about things like Facebook when he could easily hide it, which annoys me too... because that's no way to earn my trust, it makes me feel like anything he does, he expects me to keep score and tally off "good behavior" vs "bad behavior" and then base my feelings towards future actions, dependent on what he has or hasn't come to me with before. If that is the case, then I should never give him the benefit of doubt for anything, because 12 years of lies beat 1 year of honesty.

    What's frustrating is, I was upfront with him about being triggered for a reason, in order for myself not to shut down (one of my self-care goals) and for him to know that if I am snippy or in a bad mood, that is why (one of my relationship/honesty goals, also self-care). There were a few ways he could have handled this, without setting me off further, one would have been to just stop, think and instead of automatically dismissing my trigger with "I didn't notice anyone there that could trigger you" (aka invalidating the fact that it took so much out of me to admit I am triggered and obviously I did not pull it out of my ass, so someone did trigger me) he could have said, "I see, I'm sorry you were triggered, are you talking about the blonde in the blue pants?" OR if he honestly did not see anyone, as he initially claimed, he could have just held my space and empathized with me for a minute. He could have said, "I'm sorry that you were triggered, it must be difficult not knowing if someone can walk in and ruin your day at any moment, but thank you for letting me know, so if you aren't being yourself, now I'll know why". Like, it's not always easy for me to listen to and process his shame, but I've learned to be patient, understanding, I don't interrupt or judge him, I don't jump in to fix it or blame/accuse him of anything, I listen and then help him break it down and rationalize it, so we can figure it out, for some reason he just can not do that for me. It just makes it really difficult for me to want to be forthright about anything, because what's the point? it only makes it worse for me, it's better to just keep it to myself and avoid the full-scale escalation and stress of dealing with his hours-long right-fighting.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Stopped myself from shutting down, multiple times.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Jim Rohn: STOP WISHING for the Life You Want



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 453:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Music.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk much, briefly revisited our issue from this morning, but then we need to just decompress, so we watched some TV and then he left for work. I was feeling sick and tired, so I couldn't wait to get into bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Improve Your Self Awareness Skills”, in this episode, Organizational Psychologist Tasha Eurich reveals how to improve your self-awareness skills. Remember, yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I'm wise so I am changing myself.

    This morning, Wade had to stay at work, so I walked alone. I started by listening to "Relationship Theory: Igniting Romance With Small Gestures", which was a short but a really good episode. Tom and Lisa made it a point to explain, how it is the little things we do for one, another – that really make a difference in each other’s lives, they don’t have to be extravagant or expensive either. What seems insignificant for some, could mean the world to someone else and can turn someone’s day completely around. Something as simple as doing something, for your partner, without them having to ask, can show them you are thinking about them and it shows them that you’re their priority. Then I decided to just listen to music for the rest of my walk because after yesterday, I still felt off and I needed to just calm myself.

    Later in the day, Wade called me to let me know he was going to be held up even longer. Then as he was talking, rather fast, switching from English to Russian, it was rather confusing he told me that one of his co-workers drove him to a place he needed to be. Then they decided to have lunch and that he would call me later. I asked him if he was triggered, because this co-worker happened to be someone he use to ogle/lust after, a thirsty type of ogling and it did not matter if it was in front of her kids, husband, our kids or me (not that I mattered at any point of his ogling anyway). He told me no, that he was fine “but he has a lot to tell me, so we’ll talk later”. The unfortunate thing is, this so happens to be our 13th Wedding Anniversary weekend… the big day falling on Monday, I had already been ‘nursing’ a trigger/bad response from him since yesterday… and now all I can keep thinking about is him having lunch with her, alone – picturing way too many things, that I do not want to be picturing, like - them chatting it up, giggling, flirting, maybe even her putting her hands on him during a joke (whether it is actually happening like this or not, it’s what’s looping in my head) because she is just flirtatious and LOVES getting attention. I hate that this is where I am at, I was never this person, but unfortunately, this IS where I am at, not my choice but by years of circumstance and as much as I try to talk myself OUT of thinking these things, saying 'he's different now', the next thought is "but, she is still pretty, she is his prime, she is his type, he would have loved to be with her, that hasn't changed, he is still a man - period, that hasn't changed and he is spending an hour socializing and staring at her by his own choice, knowing full well she would be a trigger for me and we've talked about how I knew about his behavior towards her, just thinking about THAT makes it worse. He could have told her he wasn't hungry (or made anything up) and then gotten a bite to eat alone, but for 'some reason', he decided to have lunch with her, and on this weekend, of all weekends. Now, I can't and will not be able to stop thinking about him sitting across from her, looking like they are on a date, he’s enjoying his view, up close and personal and it throws me right back into our double date, also on our Anniversary, that he arranged, with her and her husband two years ago. That night, he spent our entire anniversary ogling her, practically drooling and completely ignoring me – the only time he gave me any attention, was when I forced him to take a few photos, so I can post them to social media, to give people the impression that we were actually a happy couple, out celebrating our ‘love’.

    Now, I’m afraid that I’ll be too triggered/worked up this weekend and thinking about all of that, to the point where I honestly don’t think it is a good idea to go to dinner to celebrate our Anniversary, like he wanted to because mentally there is no way I will be there and I won't get to a place of peace by then either, all I’ll be picturing is that loop I mentioned above. I think I will tell him that it’s probably a wiser idea to just make it a day date, I already had Avengers: Endgame booked for our Anniversary, for the daytime and I think it would be just as great to leave it at that and call it a day, because now all this weekend is reminding me of ... is our horrible Anniversary two years ago, so much for this one being different, our "first" real one, but it's going to feel pretty much like the last 12 now, at least for me, because he had a choice and he made it, it wouldn't have been a choice I would have made or condoned, had he asked me beforehand.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: That I walked, even though it was cold.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tasha Eurich - Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix



    #Relationships
    Relationship Theory: Igniting Romance With Small Gestures



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 454:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Podcasts.
    3) TV.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, was rough, really really rough and this post won't be any better because I'm triggered, hurt, mad, frustrated, bitter, resentful and annoyed - the challenge is, I don't know whether it's more towards him or myself for being an idiot who gives out too many 'benefit of doubts' when I should know better. We discussed everything I wrote about in yesterday's post. We didn't resolve anything, well, because he explains it his way, I interpret it my way and in a case like this, there is no happy medium. He told me that when he was at the lunch, he began feeling something was wrong about it, shame was coming over him, etc., but it's not like he did anything about it, take those gut feelings as a hint and find an excuse to leave. He also didn't think, which is a big problem. He didn't think about the significance of this weekend, whom he was having a one on one, face to face lunch date with and what it could possibly do to me when I end up hearing about it. Now, some would say "well, maybe if he hadn't told you, it would have been for the best" -- maybe, but this coworker is also "friends" with me and sometimes thinks it is cute to shoot me messages... and more often than not, she tends to send me casual texts telling me "oh, I saw your husband today", so there was a 50/50 chance that she could have sent me a text, telling me she had lunch with him and had he not told me, if I would have found out from her, oh boy... if he thinks my reaction is bad now, all hell would have broken loose if it happened the other way. All I can say is my heart is broken - his choice really hurt me, deep and felt like a huge slap in the face. I stand by what I told him - at the end of the day, he made a choice on our anniversary weekend, he decided who he was going to have a sit-down meal with, and he decided to have it with her, instead of me, that's-that. That was a choice he made, no one forced him into it. It's really simple when it came to his prime asking him to go to lunch, someone he claims, makes him feel 'uncomfortable' and 'resentful', while also being fully aware that she is an enormous trigger for me... and on our literal anniversary weekend (which triples the trigger due to that horrendous double date on our anniversary two years ago, where I had to watch him drool all over her, live and in person for hours...) he suddenly forgot about all of that, me, his feelings of 'discomfort' (obviously, they are just too overwhelming :rolleyes:), and anything else and just goes with her on that lunch 'date' regardless. Our choices come with consequences and well, if you choose another woman over me, guess what? that lunch date was your selection! it was your anniversary celebration, with her - because that one, canceled out ours, I don't want to spend yet another anniversary being fake, I'm done with that shit. What sucks is, I was really excited for this weekend to kick off his vacation so we could spend time together, I thought it was going to be different, I was under the impression we would have an awesome anniversary day watching Avengers: Endgame and then get dolled up and go out to celebrate 13 years, but our first full year as a real couple, toast to that and then spend the rest of his vacation, like our date last week - just hanging out together, especially since the kids are in school. What a waste of a vacation, we barely get time alone as it is. Having said all that, unfortunately, I was only an 'afterthought' for him, that only happened once he finished up his little lunch date with his prime and then, suddenly - afterward, had shame came over and he remembered that maybe it wasn't such a great idea, but what's done is done.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Live Your Best Life: How To Be The Best You Can Be In Life”, in this episode, Jim Rohn talks about how to be the best you can be in life. Remember, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better do better.

    This morning, was awkward, I told him last night that his actions caused any sense of security building up over this time to just wipe out. I don't feel like his priority at all, he can tell me all the sweet nothings he likes, but actions speak louder than words. I'm feeling really disconnected and not really in the mood to reconnect either, all I can think about is how excited he must have been to finally get to sit across for her, have her all alone to himself, how much pride/joy (because his ego enjoys such things) he must have had for other people to see him at the table with her (one of his 'primes' for a change, instead of me) and all the visuals that come with that, it just makes me sick to my stomach and want to pull away that much more. But we didn't want to drive or walk in silence, so we listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Redemption and Recovery" his featured guest was Tom Ryan, who is a spiritual community leader, father, husband, and knows all too well the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and secrets. Tom is also the author of "Ashamed No More" and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices. The topic of this podcast was a big one, one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Tom talks about recovery, hope, and the irony of holding a position of power and prestige while dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. He found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. He also shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage.

    Tonight I wanted to color my hair, I think I will still do that, even if I'm not going on a date night, maybe it will make me feel better about myself, even if I can't compete with his prime(s). Well, the one thing I am excited about this weekend is Game of Thrones and finally seeing Avengers: Endgame, at least something to look forward to.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I hate being someone's afterthought, no longer going to go on a fake date just to get some fake photos to post for others - to assume things are great.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Jim Rohn: How to Achieve Absolutely Anything You Want



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

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    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    564
    1,121
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    Good grief! Sometimes I think you and I have been living parallel lives - the same situations, interactions and thoughts. I COMPLETELY get you frustration and hurt. Hugs.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    This life, filled with repercussions of betrayal trauma just sucks. Thank you for understanding, at least we are not alone.
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 455:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Avengers: Endgame.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched Game of Thrones and WOW, that episode delivered. Sometimes when I watch something so intense, epic, etc., I completely immerse myself in the show and that excitement, that I almost forgot of the shitty situation I find myself in these days. While we watched Wade offered to give me a foot rub, it really helped my throbbing headache settle down and feel better. I drank wine while we watched, maybe a little too much, but yeah, I think I needed it. Then we went to bed and we talked a bit about the situation some more, I got emotional because all of it is just frustrating. I waited, planned, even bought him gifts for this day (to wear for our anniversary dinner) and all of that was just ruined in an instant because one of his primes asked him to lunch and he just could not refuse. Anyway, we talked and talked - I won't go into the details, all of a sudden it was after 12 am and it was officially our 13-year wedding anniversary, so I wished him a happy anniversary and we decided to exchange some gifts, I gave him half of his gift, a plushie fish and a card filled with my true sentiments... well, what I felt before I was hit by that *reality check* aka that painful bullet (his lunch date with her). It was still sweet, but with the connection lacking, it was just not the same as how I had hoped it would have been. He gave me beautiful Swarovski earrings and a handwritten letter. The next morning I gave him the rest of his gift, a dress shirt, and various sets of ties - that in my opinion go with any look.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Finding Your Way In Life”, in this episode, Bryan Cranston talks about finding your way in life. Remember, in order to get to your best days you'll have to fight through some of your worse days.

    This morning, we watched Avengers: Endgame and it was a fantastic end to an era, I will not spoil anything or geek out here, but it definitely provided fan-service and proper closure for us geeks! as with GoT, I lost myself in the movie and for a good 3-4 hours forgot that it was our Anniversary and all of the negativity surrounding it, it was a good distraction, while it lasted. I feel a little better today after talking a bit about everything, getting out my sadness, hurt and frustrations (my truths) with Wade, but to be honest I'm scared to reconnect, as much as I love it when we are connected and it brings me a feeling of love, intimacy, peace, puts me over the moon, and at ease -- but I don't know if any of that is worth the risk of getting trampled on again, I don't want to go through this amount of pain all over again when I least expect it when again he decides to choose his prime(s) over me. With the awareness this incident has brought me, I'm fearful and even more unsure of my place, in his eyes or his world, I don't feel like he truly considers/desires me on the same level as he does them, so he will always end up picking them and I'll always just be the afterthought, never number one.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved the way my hair came out today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Bryan Cranston: One Thing All Young People Should Do While They're Still Young



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 456:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Morning Walks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched Brené Brown's Netflix special "The Call to Courage" and like her TedTalk, it was really good. It was about her favorite topic, shame, courage and vulnerability, she brought up a lot of personal examples and how to find wins, even if it's not what others would normally consider "winning". She goes over 5 ways that help you be brave, 1) Be Intentional About Who You Accept Feedback From, 2) Belong To Yourself First, 3) Practice Gratitude, 4) Embrace Discomfort and 5) Come Off The Blocks (she goes into a story about her daughter and a swimming meet). Her final quote was powerful: “Vulnerability is hard and it’s scary and it feels dangerous. But it’s not as hard, or scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves: What if I would’ve shown up? What if I would’ve said ‘I love you?’ What if I would’ve come off the blocks? Show up, be seen, answer the call to courage and come off the blocks. Because you’re worth it—you’re worth being brave.” Then he mentioned his knee hurting, so I chimed in with "yeah, my back and feet are too" and I guess that reminded him that he told me in the morning, he was going to give me a foot rub, so he told me he wanted to give me one. I told him no, that I did not bring up my foot pain as a hint, as soon as I said it, I regretted it because I knew it would serve as a verbal cue and that is the last thing I want to do anymore. He knows I do not like it when he says something, then forgets all about it later. He apologized for forgetting and told me that he "wants" to do it and it wasn't because I mentioned anything, he just forget etc. To me though, if it is something you truly 'WANT' to do and had every intention of doing it, without feeling obligated, you will remember and bring it up yourself. He did not forget to go smoke or refill his drink multiple times, because those are things he actually enjoys doing and that is totally fine, I just don't appreciate when something is done for me - out of obligation, instead of genuine intention, when things like that happen, it kind of makes me feel like when he does remember to "want to give me a back rub" or "want to give me a foot rub" because he knows I love them, he is doing it for brownie points and not because he actually enjoys the intimacy gained from it. So, smokes/drinks = good memory, remembering something promised to me = faulty memory... back to my usual point #afterthought if even a thought at all.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Living With Integrity: Avoiding The Biggest Regrets In Life”, in this episode, they talk about living with integrity and avoiding the biggest regrets in life. Remember, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

    This morning, we finally finished BAE's podcast episode "Why Does It Hurt When the Addict Says I'm Beautiful?". The podcast was about how to the betrayed, talk is/feels cheap when it is coming from the addict even if it's genuine on their part. It is not easy or even pleasant for the betrayed to embrace a kind or sweet word/compliment from him after so much trauma and especially not after a trigger. We usually have a difficult time believing, how can something be true like "you're so hot, you're so beautiful" (as they claim) when there is nothing by way of action to support such a statement, based on x amount of years teaching us the exact opposite? I know this mixed bag of feelings all too well, especially after this weekend, it was one of the most painful and roughest for me in a long while. We also talked about my own perception of beauty, and why I feel okay with myself, but understand I'm okay and don't have the need to call myself 'beautiful', we don't agree on this one but - it is, what it is. Then we began listening to Jay Shetty's podcast, "Lilly Singh: ON Why She Took A Break From YouTube" and so far it is okay, just the two of them talking about their inspirations - as I said, we didn't really get too far into it.

    We spoke on and off about how I feel. He kisses me and I've been pecking (tap kissing) him back and he said "you don't even want to kiss me back", I had to explain to him why. As much as my heart (and body) are still drawn to him and want to reconnect as fast as possible, I feel the sensations come/go and want to feel his touch but my mind is pulling the breaks and for good reason, I'm unsure if the risk is worth the onslaught of pain that comes with reconnecting, I feel like we can still talk like we always have, we are both still being honest with each other and that is huge, but maybe full connection isn't needed for that to continue and this way I could save myself from a world of hurt in the future. I continue to feel unresolved maybe it is because I'm still hurting, I am still feeling like I was an afterthought and not a priority, I'm still feeling like I was disregarded/ignored, I'm upset that our anniversary was ruined, it was supposed to be us dressing up, going out, having a date night, etc., that was on my mind the whole time and with one look at her, he forgot the meaning of this weekend and the potential consequences that going out on a one on one lunch 'date' with her could mean to me/us, and even worse I'm still picturing that date in my head, as if it were a bad movie and each time, it makes me sick and pissed off. So, after an event like this Saturday, do I want to be subjected to this much pain again? after all, I know that it is only a matter of time before the 'next' incident like this comes along. I don't want to close my eyes and just jump back into it, be 'hopeful' and blind at the same time. I'm too afraid, there are too many uncertainties, for instance, I'm not clear on where I stand with him because I still feel that no matter what, I'm never going to be his first choice or the one he truly desires and THINKS about over everyone else.

    He also had another one of those live sessions with BAE and I'm curious to hear more about that tonight, hopefully, we'll have time to talk about that.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Hair is still looking fly!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Iman Aghay - Nothing to Regret - small bad habits cause lifelong regrets



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 457:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Peace and quiet.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a back rub, I asked him if he was doing it because of the night before and said no, I really hope so. He told me about the live video session with BAE, where he was picked by Brannon to speak and he asked him about holding space. After he wanted me to listen to a segment from Relationship Theory "Longevity in Relationships", so we could discuss it, I have an inkling he wanted me to hear (and take in) that it is perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, it is human nature, etc., but that's not really what they were trying to explain in context. I was never naive enough to assume that you can only have "eyes for one person, only" however I also did not expect to get married and have my husband have eyes for everyone else, but me... I want safety, security and to have confidence in where I stand in my relationship. I want to be able to walk into any room and still feel that I have all of his attention and focus, no matter who is around us, the kind of security he has and has had from me throughout our whole relationship. Tom makes a big point of explaining that once trust is destroyed, it is difficult to swim in that and trust your partner. I know Wade is working on gaining it back, but there have been many setbacks causing resets (internally for me) which sucks and bring me to such a confusing state. I told Wade, I don't think I will ever get to the point where I can believe that I'm the only one he "wants", which is not saying the only one he finds attractive, but I want to be his #1 priority and the only one he is attracted to... there's a big difference. He keeps telling me that these days he does feel that, but I'm just not sure. He still feels bad about everything that happened and I do too, he has his version and I have mine. I don't think he fully grasps that after the history we've had and especially with that coworker, this Saturday, to me, was him choosing to spend our anniversary with her, just like two years ago - instead of me and that persistent, invading thought just kills me (every single time it pops up). However, after a lot of hard conversations, I felt closer to him and I think I did start opening myself up for some connection, but not completely...yet, especially after this morning added onto it. I fucking love him so much, going through these whirlwinds of emotion is so painful and frustrating.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Increase Willpower and Determination”, in this episode, we are shown 5 powerful psychological factors that affect our levels of willpower. 1- breaking down big goals into small ones, 2- believing that you can accomplish your goals, 3- believe that you have tons of willpower, 4- change identity. Don’t identify with the bad habit, and 5- think more long term and general concerning goals. Remember, willpower is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.

    This morning, Wade took our little one on a short/local class trip and dropped me off on the trail, so I could get my walk in. While there I listened to music, but I also squeezed in a podcast. I listened to 'Something You Should Know', episode "Become the Person You Want to Be & Great Ways to Save Time & Money" which had a few interviews and quite interesting ones I might add. Executive coach Marshall Goldsmith author of "Triggers" offers really solid, concrete advice for making lasting positive changes in your life and achieving your goals. Then, Mark Di Vincenzo, author of "Buy Ketchup in May & Fly at Noon", shares some fascinating facts everyone should know – like the best time to book an airline flight, the best time to go to the bank or post office for the shortest wait, how bright colored walls devalue your home and more. I walked for almost two hours, waiting on updates from Wade, so I knew if I should just walk home or wait a little longer for him to pick me up. He found time to text me random messages, but then time was ticking, I was getting tired and cold, I shoot him a message asking if he is about done there or not - I didn't hear back for over 20 minutes, when he was clearly responding only two minutes before I sent that message. More time passed, I got frustrated and again it showed me that I can not trust that will ever put me at the top of his mind. Even if I did not send him a message, he knows I am walking in the cold, waiting for updates from him, but he obviously didn't stop to think about that (aka showing he was concerned) he could have easily said to me "hey, we're still here, you may want to walk home" or "I think we are wrapping up, so wait a little longer" -- he left me with, uncertainty, a feeling I can not stand. Then when he finally picked me up, instead of a clean apology/empathy, he went right into right-fighting and defense mode. Mentally I felt like I was stranded on an island, all alone, screaming and no one could hear me or help me. Only after a while did he realize what he did, but it was a little too late by then.

    Then my parents came over and sat here for over 2 hours, I am completely drained today, the life has been sucked right out of me.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I looked like an Eskimo, compared to others walking, lol, but at least I was warmer than them!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    5 LIFE HACKS That Will MOTIVATE You To Do ANYTHING



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    564
    1,121
    123
    Very well put. It's not wrong to want reciprocity from a partner.
    So sorry, sweetie.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you <3
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 458:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Sunrise.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched some TV but I was feeling so drained and felt as though I am just here to be everyone else's stepping stool, so I wanted some extra love and attention, right then and there. My top love language is touch, so I asked Wade if he could caress me a bit, I never ask for anything, but as I mentioned, I needed it, just something for myself, for once. However, apparently that what too much of an ask, it seemed like he started and a few times tried to stop and move into another position, so I could give him what he wanted instead, he kept trying to rush the one simple ask I had of him, being selfish and continuing to put his needs before mine, as usual. I got frustrated and told him, just hurry up and get into the position already, then all of a sudden he stops and starts caressing me and telling me he wants to do it, he's feeling a new sensation and really enjoying it. I said, if you enjoyed it so much, you wouldn't keep trying to stop/move on, so just let's get this over with and get to the position you want. I was completely turned off by this point, but he kept going with it. It took me forever to get myself focused enough to get turned on again because I was frustrated and I guess triggered at the fact that it was such a simple request and he couldn't even give those 5-10 minutes. When we were finished, he saw my mood shifted but he said "I know, we'll talk about it tomorrow morning" and I said 'fine' and we went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Change Your Life For The Better”, in this episode, Gavin Stevenson talks about how to change your life for the better. Remember, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

    This morning, we walked and talked at the mall, we had a lot to discuss (from last night). He said he realizes what he did and he didn't mean for it to happen like that, he apologized and I explained to him exactly how it came off to me. I told him, talk is cheap, he can tell me he only wants me, cares about me, puts me first and I'm his top priority - but if he acts in a way that contradicts that, then the words mean nothing. We spoke about his selfish behaviors and how he needs to change because I refuse to tolerate being put last anymore, not by someone who's supposed to love and cherish me. We tried continuing Jay Shetty's podcast, "Lilly Singh: ON Why She Took A Break From YouTube", it is a really long interview, but she made some good points about balance - when it comes to anything, without it, you will get burnt out. I've been trying to live through this motto for the year and a half. Balance is the key to success in my opinion as I mentioned yin/yang. Wade was too distracted about last night, yesterday and this weekend that he couldn't really pay attention to it, so on the way home we just listened to music.

    I love him to death, but if he doesn't get his selfish behaviors under control and actually start showing me that I'm his priority through actions (especially when it counts/is important) and not just trying to verbally convince me of it - I don't know if it is something I want to live with, I'll never be secure or happy.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: The color blend my hair has, somehow it happened lol!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-care
    3 Things You Must Give Up Each Morning That Will Raise Your Vibration Instantly



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 459:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Morning Walks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade decided to spoil me, I have to admit it felt nice having a night all about me, I know that sounds selfish, but this does not happen often. He gave me a back rub, in a new way and it was literally mind-blowing, then we went to watch TV and he gave me a foot rub too, I loved it. What a totally different feeling/sensation from this entire week.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Talks About How To Improve Your Self Esteem”, in this episode, Les Brown talks with us about how to improve your self-esteem. Remember, you have within you right now every single thing you need to deal with whatever the world throws at you.

    This morning, we went down to the mall for our walk and talk, we finally finished Jay Shetty's podcast, "Lilly Singh: ON Why She Took A Break From YouTube", overall it was decent podcast, a little too long for my taste and it felt like there was more 'filler' than substance for the most part. She opens up about how it feels when being called a role model, her relationships both personal and professional, even her struggles with depression and defining what success looks like in her life, most importantly how "balance" is the key to success and fulfillment. Then we discussed us, also his new found awareness on how deep his selfishness goes. We had a good conversation and morning.

    Later on today we decided to ask my parents to sit with the kids, so we could go down to a local pool hall and just kick back for an hour or two. I hope there won't be any incidents there, but it is a Friday, so who knows.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Hair still on point!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Les Brown - How To Improve Your Self Esteem



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 460:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Family time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we went to a pool hall, I thought it was going to be a trigger zone but somehow, we got lucky and the place was empty. We had a really great time playing pool, exchanging small talk, joking around and just spending quality time together. Once we got home and got the kids settled, we decided to continue the fun and have a movie night. We watched "A Star is Born" and it was a phenomenal movie. It was much more than what I expected it to be, I thought it was going to be a 'love story' aka 'chick flick' type of movie, but actually, it was relevant to what everyone on this forum is going through - life and love, in addiction. Wade and I found ourselves having a lot of reflective moments throughout the movie, even though Mr. Cooper's addiction was drugs and alcohol, but the detrimental effect it had on those around him, is no different than any other addiction, like PM. So many similarities, it was an emotional trip down memory lane. Afterward, he spent some dedicated time on me and that led to some fun... which was nice for everyone involved.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Overcoming Negative Thinking Habits”, in this episode, Aaron Doughty shares his thoughts about overcoming negative thinking habits. Remember, a negative mind will never give you a positive life.

    This morning, we had to drive my parents to their doctor's appointment, in another city, so we decided to make a day of it and took the kids too. We went to one of our favorite restaurants where the food was as yummy as ever. Of course, the whole drive to and from was quite draining mentally and physically, but - it is, what it is, that meal was worth it lol. Overall, both today and yesterday were a great relief compared to the last week we've had - which was full of triggers, hurt, pain, disconnection, etc. Tonight we are planning for another mindless movie night, can't wait to put the kids in bed!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved the fit of my light sweater!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How to Break the Addiction to Negative Thinking



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  16. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I am saying what I'm about to say out of care and hope that you and Wade can get some serious perspective...

    Firstly I dont always follow everyone's journal as closely as I used to given my son has started walking and I dont get on as much

    But from what I had read I say this to you to help...

    Cut out nudity with tv.... for him. Watch all the game of thrones you want when he isn't around, but he needs to stay away. The constant nudity on a screen is keeping him in a porn state. My husband used to say it wasnt triggering but looking back to when he used to see it and if he by accidentally sees it today there is a huge difference but to this day he stays away.

    If Wade wants to recover and is serious about it, nudity in all forms will be chucked out the window and not seen again. The only naked body he needs (and should want to see) is yours.

    I think its amazing that you are always posting inspirational videos and things you've done but from what i read you half way grieve wanting to get back to that good place and dont fully take the time to heal from the set back which I think might confuse Wade into thinking it wasnt as bad as it was.... so please don't rush this latest trauma. This was a real big one. Like, if I had been in your shoes my husband would have had divorce papers waiting at home for him.

    I am also highly confused that he is still working with someone that was part of his addiction, most addicts get rid of all things involved in addiction when getting into recovery which means a complete purge. Used that laptop to watch? Sell it. Used that phone? Sell it. Used at work? Get new job if you can etc. You get my drift.

    I think given you've been here so long and with how often Wade keeps tripping up clearly something needs to change.

    I know that I always tell people one of the reasons my husband is hitting 3 years clean is because we did a complete cleanse and we took a super intense approach.

    When I had our dday (which was on our relationship anniversary) I was broken. But I knew addiction and I knew recovery and I knew what it takes to recover.

    We got rid of video games (highly sexualized female characters in most video games anyways) and he was also addicted to that. We didn't watch TV with any nudity or sex scenes and if we were watching our cop detective shows with a prostitute episode I would scroll through the episode and tell him when to look away. In the beginning he screwed up with looking away but now it's a natural reaction. No beaches, and limit mall time and plan it strategically given that summer ads are highly provacative. These are just some of the measures we took in the very beginning to assure he wasn't getting dopamine highs from other areas which keep them in an addicted state.

    Again, I say all this because I hope you can look back on the past year and see what is and is not working. Pinpoint things that happened right before something bad happened ,your journal is so detailed you have the luxery to be able to go back and see what was happening. Use it, it is the key, same with Wade (depending on how detailed and honest he was when journaling).

    You Jag are going to survive no matter if Wade is by your side or not. You are clearly a very resiliant brave and determined person. Wade, I think, needs to get a real reality check. Any addict that is really serious about quitting knowing he could lose it all will take extreme measures even if it's not fun or convenient. In the beginning my husband often asked about video games or how long until we can do X and I said it's "never" or "how long did you do this? Well at least twice the time of your betrayal"

    I know, being the partner of an addict -no matter the addiction - is not fair. We as partners need to make changes to support a recovery styled life style. I love the carribean and tropics but I know I am not going there anymore, and surely never with my husband. I know that I have given up watching shows I used to love but I don't mind as the less TV time we've had the stronger our emotional connection has been as it leaves more time for real deep connections through conversation, playing board games, going on drives with coffee and blasting our favorite music jamming out together laughing our asses off.

    I really think you guys can do this, but I think Wade needs to take some serious time to reflect about where he is, what are his triggers, and what his life in 100% recovery looks like and know that it means giving up things he used to like/be into etc.

    Again, all said with love and care and desire for you guys to kick this addiction in the ass!
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I understand and any feedback is always welcome.

    Luckily (so far) this season of GoT hasn't had much in the way of nudity, just gore, and fighting. As for keeping him away from any nudity, my personal take on that - I'm afraid setting such a boundary is an unrealistic expectation in this day and age, it's everywhere from random shows, movies (even those you'd assume are safe), AD's, billboards, anywhere you go really (especially where we live, it's everywhere). I do not think it is possible to cut it all off completely if he would come to me and says he hasn't seen any nudity or barely there imagery on storefronts, I would be instantly triggered because I would know he is lying to me. Plus, the woman doesn't have to be nude for him to become lustful, with or without clothes his mind can go there, so for me, the most important part is that he develops the discipline and self-control to no longer need to ogle/lust (after other women) and is easily able to fight his urges. I don't want to feel like I'm controlling him and he is on his best behavior because he knows I'm handling him, then when something pops up out of nowhere and I'm not around, he is ill-prepared and can't control himself. He needs to have discipline and self-control, not because I want him to do so, but because it is what he wants to do, for himself. So far, he has been on track with that, and also pretty open and honest with me. He has gotten a lot better than where he was over a year ago, in terms of lusting or ogling - I'm having more issues controlling my own PTSD going off when I notice those women, than me, actually seeing him ogle, these days. I guess I just have a different perspective on how I look at it, I may be wrong, I may be right, but it's my own personal belief system.

    Oh I know this last setback was a big one, and now he knows it too, we've talked about it all week, he finally connects the dots as to why it was as big of a deal that it was and he tried to explain why he wasn't thinking outside of the box on this. He said something didn't sit right and he was honest with me about it, he didn't hide anything. We're mastering the art of being comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and learning from each setback. I'm still not fully healed yet, this vacation of his was ruined... he can feel it these days when things aren't "peachy" as I kind of tune out a bit, it's difficult to explain but neither of us enjoys it. Now because of this setback, he has gotten a lot more aware of just how bad his selfish personality trait is and finally sees some of the points I've been trying to make for a while. As I mentioned, we try to at least learn something from each setback, now that he is aware, he can approach this problem differently.

    He can not leave his job, it's union, he would lose his retirement and pension if he does. He doesn't see her often, she works a different shift, it just so happened that (as @Susannah like's to say) a cosmic joke occurred and he had to work a double, so they got assigned to work together by their boss. He just could have made different choices when it came to lunch, which is why what happened, happened.

    He has made major changes at work though, to the point where his co-workers make fun of him for no longer being apart of their group texts (porn filled) and not checking out women. It's major for them to notice the changes, especially since no one there knows he is in recovery.

    Yes, we do hit snags here and there, I think this last one opened his eyes quite a bit though. If he can figure out how to manage or control his selfish tendencies, that would play a huge role in everything else. It has been the culprit behind most of his setbacks because he didn't think ahead or think of how his actions would or could affect me.

    However, I don't consider most of his mistakes huge in the grand scheme of things (other than this last one). I have one major boundary in place for him, be honest under any and all circumstances and so far, he has not broken that one. He has been honest about everything, even things he could have easily hidden - that's how I determine if he is in real recovery or just checking boxes. I understand that mistakes are apart of recovery, a lot of times it is because of those mistakes (after the anger/shitstorm settles) we are able to sit down, talk it out and learn what happened and what we can do to change it, so it does not happen again. He has changed, grown and is completely different than how he was during his addiction, even with some setbacks here and there, this time when he makes mistakes he is actually remorseful and tries to empathize - before he wasn't even phased.

    Thank you again for your honest feedback, I appreciate it, being a partner that gets thrown into this, just sucks -- for everyone involved.

    Enjoy those years when your baby is starting to walk, soon they'll be running and shortly after the nonstop "mommy, but why!" will begin, then you'll miss these years lol
     
  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I totally spaced that you are in NYC which yes.... there are triggers everywhere. But I guess for us, obviously we couldn't limit everything but in the beginning we gave my husband the best chance at being successful by cutting 80% of it out. Obviously we have billboards around us and the mall ads are pretty bad at times, etc. and so we just did our best. But the no nudity we were pretty strict on given that nudity on a screen no matter what it is reactivates the porn wiring in the brain.

    And ogling and lusting, my husband never went through that, but I know @Kenzi and her husband did and I know they had a 3 second rule and ways they dealt with it and I do believe today he doesn't struggle nearly the way he used to, so maybe she can give some solid pointers.

    And yes, obviously we want our addicts to be able to have self-control and we are not their mothers.... but addicts in the beginning of recovery (and if they keep relapsing/hiding/lying etc they are still in "active mode" essentially because the wires are bring fired up) they need strictness and structure. I say this not only for PA's but all addicts. Give an addict and inch, they will take a mile. Eventually the strictness and structure loosen as they are out of the fog, doing well in recovery and you can see a genuine change - which I do think Wade had had those genuine moments thus far, which is great!

    Oh yeah, that is so hard! I get it, I mean my husband wasn't an ogler, but given I found all his history I know the exact types he saw and looked at so when I see those types in real life even if they aren't triggers for him anymore and such I still am in fight or flight mode ready to bolt and panic.

    Something that has helped us is that we know that we are going to run into situations that are just BAD for one or both of us as we try to live a life of recovery.... so in those situations, usually my husband can totally tell, but even if not, and I make it known that my trigger level is extremely high because of X then we have come up with many solutions for possible situations (i.e. triggering girl walks in and sits in husbands view, we switch seats.... guys start calling girls bitches, cunts, whores and talking porn and stuff, he calls them out on it and leaves, being invited to a bar late at night, he tells the guys to come over instead as we have a little one and are tied up,e tc.). We also have a code word for if either of us is triggered so we can just say that and we can do our best to support each other and make the situation as easy as it can possibly be.

    For me I've learned that I can handle 1-2 triggers a day if they are spaced out.... but if I get bombarded with trigger, after trigger, after trigger, (like at a mall or something) then I am already gone in BT/PTSD mode. So we do have plans for those times where we will need to go to a mall to get clothes.... it just has taken a lot of communication and for him to really be understanding which came with recovery time.

    Ohhhhh okay, got it. At least they work different shifts.... in the future, I would definitely have a talk about if he ever does end up getting a shift with her he lets you know ASAP and lets you know about all the information you need/want to know. For me, I would want to know where they are (at work, at a work site, grabbing food) and I would want to know the conversation topics and if she was flirty/ trying to touch him and if so, how did he handle the situation (i.e. "I have a wife, you really need to stop flirting and touching me, you're making me uncomfortable and I really wouldn't want to take this to HR and want to nip it here in the bud, thanks and I hope you can respect my feelings on it" etc).

    Well it's good he has changed, and fuck those guys lol. I know my husband called out on of his past co-workers when he was talking VS models and my husband was pointing out how unhealthy they are, the standards, the diets they go on etc. and how they are a person and the guy was young (20?) and was like, "well she is hot" lol but he did try which is what counted. I hope Wade is/can be that brave as he continues into recovery.

    Is he in therapy, coaching, etc.? I think you have mentioned before something about the BAE group? Are they getting to the root of the issue? Is he doing self-reflection? Is he changing routines/routes/habits that can help with changing his mindsets? etc.


    Okay, I get that. Given that you used the word mistake (which they are) I do hope Wade is conscious that those were his choices (which also are mistakes at the same time) but just wanted to make sure he was making that distinction for himself.


    No problem, and yes, being the partner in this.... is royal hell. Seriously there are days I just don't want to get out of bed (especially after nightmares about this whole thing) and then there are days I am like "I can do this!" it's a damn crazy roller coaster.

    And yes, everything seems to be flying by, he is trying to run already and he is just everywhere and getting into everything it's so hard to keep up haha
     
  19. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your posts ladies, the notes and attention to detail is very good.

    @Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    I thank you for saying you have a two or three tiered system of defense to deal with your developed triggers (you are referring to yourself as an SO right)?

    It seemed to me being the AP and wife has literally given you anxiety, nervousness, and other trauma-like symptoms long into recovery. Is that accurate?

    @Jagliana
    I Read you mention ptsd—has taking the role (of an AP) also caused you ptsd symptoms? I’m assuming this is betrayal trauma, then?

    Your detailed notes Wow. Here at nofap I have seen different records that members keep to identify and resolve their challenges, one guy I follow tabulates his urges everyday.
    Everyday. He averages 40 I saw.
    Then categorizes then low, moderate, high.

    A young man for whom I am his AP, keeps tally on how many times he would have pmo’d versus his tracker. ( to give some indication of improvement).

    When I saw the relapse dates you know about i just shrank. If these accounting systems were medical procedures we would rate them with a percentage of success. If 100% success were realistic then the reality of your system would reflect in its vulnerability meaning a failure would make it 90% success, 50% success etc.

    If your accountability system were a treatment plan that you were to recommend to the next generation ——what grade would you assign it? And why ?
     
  20. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @need4realchg I think in the very beginning (which was almost 3 years ago) I fell into AP given we didn't have many resources at the time nor the help and I'd already been through the drill of addiction and recovery in my own life so I knew how it went and took charge when my husband was literally shell shocked at the reality of what he had done and was a zombie. I definitely think having an outside AP is best but that doesn't mean you don't check in with your partner about what they need from you. When my husband and I went through the Intimacy Anorexia/ Married and Alone program I loved that my husband had a sponsor and was supposed to work through things with the sponsor, it left me more time to relax and do my own recovery work and I could check in with my husband and ask how his call went and we would talk about anything that we had agreed we as a couple would discuss.

    And we have many many things that we have changed for both of us. My husband isn't triggered anymore and seems perfectly fine navigating life whereas with my betrayal trauma (and my own anorexia) I cannot just walk in life and be okay, I am the one who is traumatized and triggered so any issues we default to my comfort levels as I heal. And we have come very far. In the beginning my husband didn't have a computer or phone or tech at all as the trust was 100% gone and technology use sent me into a PTSD attack. These days, my husband birthday just passed and I bought him a new laptop and he has EverAccountable on it and I honestly forget to check it because trust has been rebuilt for the most part. He still checks in with me, and he now in recovery has deep respect for what he has done and accomodates me when it comes to triggers. We use certain routes given others have stores like VS or ads, or we agree that when we go to the Mall it's in the fall and winter and we just shop for year round stuff then, etc. We have both come up with, compromised, and agreed on a new recovery lifestyle that is fair to both of us. If we ever need to revisit it, tweak it, we do. My list of boundaries and consequences has shifted dramatically over the years. At this point it's very small compared to what it used to be as trust has been earned. In recovery you will need to figure out what works and what doesn't and as you move through recovery those things will shift.

    The Betrayal Trauma is from his lies. The anxiety is because I discovered his history and saw EVERYTHING. Had he been honest from the get-go I would not be suffering Betrayal Trauma. I would be a spouse, happy that my husband was honest with me and I would have gotten him the proper help. I am almost graduated with my BA in Forensic Psych and am very familiar with methods of help in a variety of issues - especially addiction related so even though I was bombarded and totally devasted when I found everything.... I picked myself up, put on a strong face and just said either you're in recovery or you're out. I would not live with an active addict (as I have my own sobriety to worry about adn don't need an active addict dragging me back to those active addict days).

    Hope that helps/clarifies
     

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