Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Queen_Of_Hearts_13 said:
Holy shit. Really? My god, I was always curious about BAE... I would like to talk more about them, PM me?
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Sure, will PM you ;-)

Queen_Of_Hearts_13 said:
Holy fuck, no. Did he really say that? I am sorry is this guy healed or checked out still? Like if you are running a coaching group you better be there for your clients, that is just so unprofessional I am so sorry that you guys had that experience.
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Yes, he really said that when Wade showed me that response - I was FLOORED. How is a SO, whose husband is in his group supposed to feel safe when the mentor you are paying, ignores the PA who has relapsed? for a whole week - giving him room to keep relapsing, offering no support, no advice or words of encouragement... relying solely on other addicts, most of whom don't have much recovery time under their belts. I've told Wade that something is definitely up with Coby, even in the most recent podcasts, his input is overplayed like he is overcompensating for something or 'covering'.
 
Wow. I understand. So SO trauma can manifest independently as a new condition.

The PA are no longer the direct cause at that point but I can assume they may feel guilty given that reality.
 
need4realchg said:
Let me see if i understood. Your trigger is from watching women that are your husbands pmo type?


So, let’s pretend the type that he oodles is the kardashian—big butt kinda thing... so when you see chick with that attribute you are triggered to shut down, and disconnect?

If so, then do you get triggered without him or with him?
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I can get triggered with or without him. The trigger is more intense when he is around because I instantly begin wondering - "will he slip?" "will he ogle?" "is he looking at her and wishing that I looked like that?" etc., when I'm alone, I don't have to worry he'll also see her, so it gives me some peace of mind - but it does not stop the thoughts of "if he was here, I'd be nervous about him possibly slipping" or "I remember how he would ogle women like her, all the time, in front of me" which reminds me of what I believe to be his type etc.

need4realchg said:
For the relapse dates—- i thought you were recording when he relapsed. Ok so it’s not a pmo relapse it’s a relational breakdown somehow, communication, trust, connection, etc. Are the dates only when he has let you down ? Do you or he record when you cause the breakdown? I guess off hand it looks one sided. Not sure if that’s what it is?
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It's relational, not PM relapses. Those are dates he has let me down, the onus is on him to do the work and remain consistent in recovery. I have been doing my part for years, holding this relationship together with a thin thread for over a decade, on my own. I am also working on myself and so far, I have remained consistent and kept up my end, fighting my own instincts to bottle up and shut down, instead I have continued to be open and honest, about everything.

need4realchg said:
I’m seeing the blowback of recovery , it’s something that we don’t imagine. I think the recovery fantasy is as a PA, “ I will kick this thing and everything will be ok, we can go back to hugging kissing and having real sex again!”

But wait,—- now that you have kicked the habit, your SO has new triggers that were developed in helping you so you now need to help her .

I never thought about that.
Is this accurate to your experience ?
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There is no "kick this thing and everything will be ok", not after you have emotionally abused, cheated on your partner, broken safety and trust in the relationship. Betrayal trauma is serious and severe the longer you have endured that kind of abuse, that kind of break in intimate trust, etc. It takes a lot of work to get through it and just because the addict is "clean" the damage he has inflicted over time, does not just vanish.

These are the natural consequences that the addict has to now bare - should they decide to keep the relationship, because of all of the years he allowed his selfish needs (the addiction) to come before anyone else and destroy both himself and his partner.
 
Jagliana said:
I can get triggered with or without him. The trigger is more intense when he is around because I instantly begin wondering - "will he slip?" "will he ogle?" "is he looking at her and wishing that I looked like that?" etc., when I'm alone, I don't have to worry he'll also see her, so it gives me some peace of mind - but it does not stop the thoughts of "if he was here, I'd be nervous about him possibly slipping" or "I remember how he would ogle women like her, all the time, in front of me" which reminds me of what I believe to be his type etc.



It's relational, not PM relapses. Those are dates he has let me down, the onus is on him to do the work and remain consistent in recovery. I have been doing my part for years, holding this relationship together with a thin thread for over a decade, on my own. I am also working on myself and so far, I have remained consistent and kept up my end, fighting my own instincts to bottle up and shut down, instead I have continued to be open and honest, about everything.



There is no "kick this thing and everything will be ok", not after you have emotionally abused, cheated on your partner, broken safety and trust in the relationship. Betrayal trauma is serious and severe the longer you have endured that kind of abuse, that kind of break in intimate trust, etc. It takes a lot of work to get through it and just because the addict is "clean" the damage he has inflicted over time, does not just vanish.

These are the natural consequences that the addict has to now bare - should they decide to keep the relationship, because of all of the years he allowed his selfish needs (the addiction) to come before anyone else and destroy both himself and his partner.
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I appreciate your feedback and honesty. For me it’s really insightful. I do not wish to ruffle your ire , I sense some anger behind part of the response so just to keep me learning and not defending — I respectfully want to disengage before becoming a distraction. Thank you very much for your insight.
 
need4realchg said:
I appreciate your feedback and honesty. For me it’s really insightful. I do not wish to ruffle your ire , I sense some anger behind part of the response so just to keep me learning and not defending — I respectfully want to disengage before becoming a distraction. Thank you very much for your insight.
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No anger here, just honesty, but it's not a problem.
 
309185C6-8D02-4A7C-9750-8568D2FD6168.jpeg I couldn’t recall if you’ve already posted this one before but just in case... I think it pretty well encapsulates the feelings of us SOs (current or ex-) but even more so, anyone who is capable of and chooses to offer such love and dedication but rarely receives/feels the same in return
 
Jagliana said:
How is a SO, whose husband is in his group supposed to feel safe when the mentor you are paying, ignores the PA who has relapsed? for a whole week - giving him room to keep relapsing, offering no support, no advice or words of encouragement... relying solely on other addicts, most of whom don't have much recovery time under their belts.
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When you sign up and pay for his mentorship, is there any agreement laid out for Coby to offer support whenever there's an issue that arises? What I mean is, is he only obligated to offer support at the weekly meeting, even though it would clearly be much better for him to be more available for times of crisis? It's disturbing to me that he takes money from people who truly need someone they can count on for recovery support, and then he's either mostly unavailable, or when he is available, his 'coaching' is completely unhelpful.
 
DAY 461:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a soothing back rub, trying to take out the kinks from the car ride that morning. Then we spent some time discussing the topics of conversation as of late in my journal - my opinions, the opinions of others and his opinions. Afterward, we watched "Daddy's Home 2" which was hilarious and refreshing to just let our minds decompress a bit and then we went to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Importance of Having A Positive Attitude”, in this episode, Leo from Actualized.org gives us some great insight on having a positive attitude. His three words of advice to consider are 1) The present moment is inevitable, 2) Worry is useless and 3) Cheerfulness is the best strategy. Remember, a positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.

This morning, we walked, talked and listened to "Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust" which was another great episode! they discuss how to properly support your partner through depression and dark times, coming back from infidelity, and building trust in relationships. During the Q & A about 'coming back from infidelity,' Tom and Lisa go into a whole thing about trust and being someone's #1 and I've been talking about this to Wade for months now. They brought up a lot of valid points and opened up a good conversation for Wade and me to have, timely and very relatable to our current situation. For me, just hearing him say that right now I am his priority is not enough, words must be backed up with consistent actions that show me that he is, in fact, taking me into account, when he does anything, especially something that could affect me/us.

This evening we had a birthday party to attend for one of our little one's friends. Before we left, he told me that he was watching one of his Anime's, usually only about martial arts/fighting but one of the main characters got a girlfriend and they decided to get intimate, Wade recognized that this could become a trigger and skipped through the scene. Then he came and told me about it, which was the right thing to do. I asked him if this is typical for this show and he said no, I hope he is being honest about that, otherwise it could become a problem for him if those kinds of scenes become more frequent. Once we got to the party, there were a lot of kids and moms, I didn't have any triggers (thankfully!!) but I did notice Wade slipping (eyes on someone else's ass) quite a few times, so I'm not sure if he had any triggers/urges. Anyway, the little one had a blast with her buddies, I am happy about that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my shirt looked and fit today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
The 3 Pillars To Cultivating Positivity

#Relationships
Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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hope4healing said:
When you sign up and pay for his mentorship, is there any agreement laid out for Coby to offer support whenever there's an issue that arises? What I mean is, is he only obligated to offer support at the weekly meeting, even though it would clearly be much better for him to be more available for times of crisis? It's disturbing to me that he takes money from people who truly need someone they can count on for recovery support, and then he's either mostly unavailable, or when he is available, his 'coaching' is completely unhelpful.
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He said he would be there for support and guidance, but he expects all the guys to be responsible and accountable with each other too. However, when in crisis, their mentor is MIA - even when tagged, which I find unacceptable, especially when they are paying for HIS mentoring, in paticular.
 
Jagliana said:
He said he would be there for support and guidance, but he expects all the guys to be responsible and accountable with each other too. However, when in crisis, their mentor is MIA - even when tagged, which I find unacceptable, especially when they are paying for HIS mentoring, in paticular.
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Real companies have contracts and expectations laid out where clients sign the contract and understand what the program or sessions would be and the role of the coach... so if they don't have that then they aren't opporating on a business level....
 
Queen_Of_Hearts_13 said:
Real companies have contracts and expectations laid out where clients sign the contract and understand what the program or sessions would be and the role of the coach... so if they don't have that then they aren't opporating on a business level....
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No contract, just a 'motivational' speech on text lol which stops as soon as the first payment is rendered.
 
Jagliana said:
No contract, just a 'motivational' speech on text lol which stops as soon as the first payment is rendered.
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Are they even a real business like is it an LLC or what? When you open a business you need to get it filed with state and if you run a coaching program or business you need contracts, you talk to clients on a free consultation so they understand expectations of program and if they like it and both want to work together next step is contracts and paperwork to read about expectations and such.... it's strange that they arent professional in that regard and honestly leaves them liable to being sued and stuff...
 
Technically they never claimed to be a business, he doesn't even call himself a "coach" - he calls himself a mentor. He could easily just put himself down as a sole proprietor and file 1099-MISC as a freelancer. I never questioned it, just figured since he is so far along and apart of BAE, who seem to know so much about this stuff.

This was the description on their site back when we signed up for it:
Mens Group Online Mentoring & Accountability Group with Coby Mitchell
$175.00 per month
  • Weekly 90 minute video zoom call with group
  • 6 guys per group
  • Focus on developing recovery skillset and vulnerability in a group setting
  • Group feedback and insights welcome…yup that means cross talk
  • Different time options
  • Group text thread to check in each night and reach out when needed
 
Mentoring a d coaching can be used interchangeably and on their other site they say they are marriage coaches.... so.... yeah. If you plan to help others in a professional capacity (i.e. exchange service for money) then it's a business.... they are offering and you are paying.... so they really should be more professional about it given they've taken the time to put out some good content and I assume try to build a base of people who follow them....
 
We don't want a refund, he liked the live groups and appreciated the others guys input, etc., but we refuse to pay for access to "Coby's mentoring" -- when really, he drops the ball on the "mentoring" part.

I can start a group and charge guys that amount, create a group text and call it a group too LOL, undercut him and charge $150 per month. :rolleyes:

But in all honesty, I created that Discord group for the Betrayed to chat in, for free, this was practically the same thing - just minus the live session once a week (when it happened).
 
Kenzi said:
In all honesty the reason NoFap is so great is because for $150, $175 or hell even $100 .. It's all too much.
Why pay if people keep relapsing?
The ability to understand that your relapse is a choice once you understand your addicted is free.
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Exactly~ people signing up for "Coby's mentoring group" are assuming for that money, they get Coby as a mentor/guide, etc., but that is not what it turns out to be, with the exception of the zoom meeting once a week, even with that he bailed on them one week, guys couldn't log in because there was no 'host' account running the call, he never let them know he would be on vacation that week - no reschedule or makeup either. It was super disappointing.
 
Jagliana said:
Exactly~ people signing up for "Coby's mentoring group" are assuming for that money, they get Coby as a mentor/guide, etc., but that is not what it turns out to be, with the exception of the zoom meeting once a week, even with that he bailed on them one week, guys couldn't log in because there was no 'host' account running the call, he never let them know he would be on vacation that week - no reschedule or makeup either. It was super disappointing.
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:(
Sadness
 
DAY 462:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched Game of Thrones, it's awesome that now the episodes are an hour and a half, but it sucks to know that it is because this is the last season. It kind of feels like they are squeezing a little too much into each episode, I think they could have easily had a season 9 and stretched the story out a little more. He gave me a nice foot rub, I love those, I don't know what he does but I feel my brain twitching lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Self Discipline Training: How to Be More Self Disciplined”, in this episode, Evan Carmichael gives us 7 great tips on how to be more self-disciplined. His 7 tips are 1) Create a morning routine, 2) Create a regular schedule, 3) Track your progress, 4) Commit to someone else, 5) Have a Big Why and Little Whys, 6) Have a designated place to work and 7) Do something you love. Remember, we all suffer one of two pains. Either the pain of developing self-discipline or the pain associated with not having it.

This morning, we walked our usual trail out in nature. We listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Celebrating Community, Opening Dialogue and Changing the Game" his featured guest was Dr. James Wadley who is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press). Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, what they are doing to help minorities step out of the shadows of addiction and into the light of healing and hope. Although it wasn't necessarily directly related to us, we still found a few topics to explore during this podcast. We also talked about trust and priority again, what it really means and how his selfish tendencies and when he acts out in inconsiderate ways, how it may have a much deeper impact on me than I originally assumed.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Loving this new lipstick color on me.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
7 Ways to Become More DISCIPLINED

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 463:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, I caught a cold from my daughter, so I felt like shit. Wade held me for a little and then we went to watch some TV. My brain was not functioning, I felt drained and rundown. I hate being sick, it is the worst. He told me that he can see and understands that I'm "blah" because of illness, but for some reason, he still feels shame coming over him as if he did something wrong to cause me to be like this. I assured him that, no, I just feel like a steaming pile of :emoji_poop:.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Thoughts Become Words, Words Become Reality”, in this episode, we learn about how our thoughts become words, then those words become our reality. Remember, what you think - you become. What you feel - you attract. What you imagine - you create.

This morning, even though I felt like crap, I still wanted to go for our walk. So we drove down to the mall and listened to Relationship Theory's episode: "Igniting Romance With Small Gestures". It was a good one, with a lot of interesting points - very relatable to me personally. I was never one for grandiose gestures or romantic escapes, big surprises, etc., I prefer something small but thoughtful, where the quality of the thought counts more than the amount spent. Their whole point is that if your partner is your priority and you have the type of connection, where you can be honest - you can let each other know what you like/want, which would make it easier for the other person, no guessing or tests, just love and making each other happy -- in the ways each of you prefer.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Got my walk in, even though I felt rundown.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
Oprah Winfrey: Take Care of Yourself

#Relationships
Relationship Theory: Igniting Romance With Small Gestures

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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