Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    SO's will have different answers but for me, it doesn't matter whether he is with me or not, especially when we were first in recovery. If I saw a girl with tattooes and dyed hair I would get instantly triggered and severe urges to get as far away from his as possible. These days it's less intense, but I always have the "well if he were here he would be X about her" even if he wouldn't as I know he is better but I have lots of cynical thoughts now and am always vigilant to my surroundings and what women are around but that's just me
     
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  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Sure, will PM you ;-)

    Yes, he really said that when Wade showed me that response - I was FLOORED. How is a SO, whose husband is in his group supposed to feel safe when the mentor you are paying, ignores the PA who has relapsed? for a whole week - giving him room to keep relapsing, offering no support, no advice or words of encouragement... relying solely on other addicts, most of whom don't have much recovery time under their belts. I've told Wade that something is definitely up with Coby, even in the most recent podcasts, his input is overplayed like he is overcompensating for something or 'covering'.
     
  3. Wow. I understand. So SO trauma can manifest independently as a new condition.

    The PA are no longer the direct cause at that point but I can assume they may feel guilty given that reality.
     
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I can get triggered with or without him. The trigger is more intense when he is around because I instantly begin wondering - "will he slip?" "will he ogle?" "is he looking at her and wishing that I looked like that?" etc., when I'm alone, I don't have to worry he'll also see her, so it gives me some peace of mind - but it does not stop the thoughts of "if he was here, I'd be nervous about him possibly slipping" or "I remember how he would ogle women like her, all the time, in front of me" which reminds me of what I believe to be his type etc.

    It's relational, not PM relapses. Those are dates he has let me down, the onus is on him to do the work and remain consistent in recovery. I have been doing my part for years, holding this relationship together with a thin thread for over a decade, on my own. I am also working on myself and so far, I have remained consistent and kept up my end, fighting my own instincts to bottle up and shut down, instead I have continued to be open and honest, about everything.

    There is no "kick this thing and everything will be ok", not after you have emotionally abused, cheated on your partner, broken safety and trust in the relationship. Betrayal trauma is serious and severe the longer you have endured that kind of abuse, that kind of break in intimate trust, etc. It takes a lot of work to get through it and just because the addict is "clean" the damage he has inflicted over time, does not just vanish.

    These are the natural consequences that the addict has to now bare - should they decide to keep the relationship, because of all of the years he allowed his selfish needs (the addiction) to come before anyone else and destroy both himself and his partner.
     
  5. I appreciate your feedback and honesty. For me it’s really insightful. I do not wish to ruffle your ire , I sense some anger behind part of the response so just to keep me learning and not defending — I respectfully want to disengage before becoming a distraction. Thank you very much for your insight.
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    No anger here, just honesty, but it's not a problem.
     
  7. 309185C6-8D02-4A7C-9750-8568D2FD6168.jpeg I couldn’t recall if you’ve already posted this one before but just in case... I think it pretty well encapsulates the feelings of us SOs (current or ex-) but even more so, anyone who is capable of and chooses to offer such love and dedication but rarely receives/feels the same in return
     
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  8. When you sign up and pay for his mentorship, is there any agreement laid out for Coby to offer support whenever there's an issue that arises? What I mean is, is he only obligated to offer support at the weekly meeting, even though it would clearly be much better for him to be more available for times of crisis? It's disturbing to me that he takes money from people who truly need someone they can count on for recovery support, and then he's either mostly unavailable, or when he is available, his 'coaching' is completely unhelpful.
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 461:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk and Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a soothing back rub, trying to take out the kinks from the car ride that morning. Then we spent some time discussing the topics of conversation as of late in my journal - my opinions, the opinions of others and his opinions. Afterward, we watched "Daddy's Home 2" which was hilarious and refreshing to just let our minds decompress a bit and then we went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Importance of Having A Positive Attitude”, in this episode, Leo from Actualized.org gives us some great insight on having a positive attitude. His three words of advice to consider are 1) The present moment is inevitable, 2) Worry is useless and 3) Cheerfulness is the best strategy. Remember, a positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.

    This morning, we walked, talked and listened to "Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust" which was another great episode! they discuss how to properly support your partner through depression and dark times, coming back from infidelity, and building trust in relationships. During the Q & A about 'coming back from infidelity,' Tom and Lisa go into a whole thing about trust and being someone's #1 and I've been talking about this to Wade for months now. They brought up a lot of valid points and opened up a good conversation for Wade and me to have, timely and very relatable to our current situation. For me, just hearing him say that right now I am his priority is not enough, words must be backed up with consistent actions that show me that he is, in fact, taking me into account, when he does anything, especially something that could affect me/us.

    This evening we had a birthday party to attend for one of our little one's friends. Before we left, he told me that he was watching one of his Anime's, usually only about martial arts/fighting but one of the main characters got a girlfriend and they decided to get intimate, Wade recognized that this could become a trigger and skipped through the scene. Then he came and told me about it, which was the right thing to do. I asked him if this is typical for this show and he said no, I hope he is being honest about that, otherwise it could become a problem for him if those kinds of scenes become more frequent. Once we got to the party, there were a lot of kids and moms, I didn't have any triggers (thankfully!!) but I did notice Wade slipping (eyes on someone else's ass) quite a few times, so I'm not sure if he had any triggers/urges. Anyway, the little one had a blast with her buddies, I am happy about that.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my shirt looked and fit today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    The 3 Pillars To Cultivating Positivity



    #Relationships
    Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    He said he would be there for support and guidance, but he expects all the guys to be responsible and accountable with each other too. However, when in crisis, their mentor is MIA - even when tagged, which I find unacceptable, especially when they are paying for HIS mentoring, in paticular.
     
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  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Real companies have contracts and expectations laid out where clients sign the contract and understand what the program or sessions would be and the role of the coach... so if they don't have that then they aren't opporating on a business level....
     
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  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    No contract, just a 'motivational' speech on text lol which stops as soon as the first payment is rendered.
     
  13. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Are they even a real business like is it an LLC or what? When you open a business you need to get it filed with state and if you run a coaching program or business you need contracts, you talk to clients on a free consultation so they understand expectations of program and if they like it and both want to work together next step is contracts and paperwork to read about expectations and such.... it's strange that they arent professional in that regard and honestly leaves them liable to being sued and stuff...
     
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  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Technically they never claimed to be a business, he doesn't even call himself a "coach" - he calls himself a mentor. He could easily just put himself down as a sole proprietor and file 1099-MISC as a freelancer. I never questioned it, just figured since he is so far along and apart of BAE, who seem to know so much about this stuff.

    This was the description on their site back when we signed up for it:
    Mens Group Online Mentoring & Accountability Group with Coby Mitchell
    $175.00 per month
    • Weekly 90 minute video zoom call with group
    • 6 guys per group
    • Focus on developing recovery skillset and vulnerability in a group setting
    • Group feedback and insights welcome…yup that means cross talk
    • Different time options
    • Group text thread to check in each night and reach out when needed
     
  15. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Mentoring a d coaching can be used interchangeably and on their other site they say they are marriage coaches.... so.... yeah. If you plan to help others in a professional capacity (i.e. exchange service for money) then it's a business.... they are offering and you are paying.... so they really should be more professional about it given they've taken the time to put out some good content and I assume try to build a base of people who follow them....
     
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  16. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Kenzi they have a privacy policy that's it.... I went and did a deep search on all their sites and I was so shocked to find no terms and conditions......
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    We don't want a refund, he liked the live groups and appreciated the others guys input, etc., but we refuse to pay for access to "Coby's mentoring" -- when really, he drops the ball on the "mentoring" part.

    I can start a group and charge guys that amount, create a group text and call it a group too LOL, undercut him and charge $150 per month. :rolleyes:

    But in all honesty, I created that Discord group for the Betrayed to chat in, for free, this was practically the same thing - just minus the live session once a week (when it happened).
     
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  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Exactly~ people signing up for "Coby's mentoring group" are assuming for that money, they get Coby as a mentor/guide, etc., but that is not what it turns out to be, with the exception of the zoom meeting once a week, even with that he bailed on them one week, guys couldn't log in because there was no 'host' account running the call, he never let them know he would be on vacation that week - no reschedule or makeup either. It was super disappointing.
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    :(
    Sadness
     
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 462:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk and Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched Game of Thrones, it's awesome that now the episodes are an hour and a half, but it sucks to know that it is because this is the last season. It kind of feels like they are squeezing a little too much into each episode, I think they could have easily had a season 9 and stretched the story out a little more. He gave me a nice foot rub, I love those, I don't know what he does but I feel my brain twitching lol.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Self Discipline Training: How to Be More Self Disciplined”, in this episode, Evan Carmichael gives us 7 great tips on how to be more self-disciplined. His 7 tips are 1) Create a morning routine, 2) Create a regular schedule, 3) Track your progress, 4) Commit to someone else, 5) Have a Big Why and Little Whys, 6) Have a designated place to work and 7) Do something you love. Remember, we all suffer one of two pains. Either the pain of developing self-discipline or the pain associated with not having it.

    This morning, we walked our usual trail out in nature. We listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Celebrating Community, Opening Dialogue and Changing the Game" his featured guest was Dr. James Wadley who is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press). Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, what they are doing to help minorities step out of the shadows of addiction and into the light of healing and hope. Although it wasn't necessarily directly related to us, we still found a few topics to explore during this podcast. We also talked about trust and priority again, what it really means and how his selfish tendencies and when he acts out in inconsiderate ways, how it may have a much deeper impact on me than I originally assumed.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loving this new lipstick color on me.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    7 Ways to Become More DISCIPLINED



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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