Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 464:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family meal.
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Last night, I was still feeling sick, so we didn't talk much. We laid together for a little as he told me about his BAE "Shattered to Thriving" course, this week it was about fears, triggers and moving forward. He said that they went over various points, including the difference between triggers for the SO versus triggers for the PA. Triggers come from fear and in order to remove yourself from that trigger, you need to ground yourself, in my case I use music. He said it was a lot like one of their podcasts, just more detailed with a live Q&A at the end. We also revisited the Relationship Theory video we watched and spoke about the similarities Tom and I have, compared to him and Lisa - when it comes to going above and beyond when it comes to food prep, etc. Then I vent a bit about the headache I was left with from my dad, who can talk without coming up for air, for hours. Afterward, we went to watch OA on Netflix, another good show.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Letting Go Of Past Hurts”, in this episode, we hear an inspiring message from Les Brown on letting go of past hurts, so we can grow into who we want to be. Remember, every minute you're angry costs you 60 seconds of your happiness.

This morning, we did not have a chance to walk and talk. It's my mom's 65th birthday, so we went to the SS office to register her for Medicare, now that she is of age. So, it was a bunch of mundane paperwork stuff, Wade drove us, so he was stuck in the waiting room with my dad the whole time lol. Then we got home and got some cleaning in, he continued and I went to take a nap because I slept horribly the night before. Once the kids were back from school we ordered in and celebrated my mom's birthday, it was small but nice. Back in the day, we would have had like 20 people but not anymore, so many things have changed, sigh. I wish I had the means to through her a huge surprise party, but unfortunately, I do not, but she loves being around the girls, so I am sure she was happy with it as it was.

Now I'm listening to funny YouTube music videos (parodies) with my little one, waiting for the clock to strike 8 pm, so we can get the bedtime routine going, so I can have some peace and silence.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my new yoga pants fit and looked on me today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
Focus On Yourself And Not Others?

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 465:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Meal Choice/Surprise by Wade.
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Last night, we listened to/watched Relationship Theory's "Leveraging Alpha and Beta Roles in Your Partnership" which was a very informative discussion between Tom and Lisa, especially in terms of triggers and how emotional "highjacking" works for him and her. They also go into how to have healthy arguments, how to assign alpha and beta roles, but not in the way society assumes them to be. Wade and I found the whole video great, Lisa gets emotionally highjacked in the same way that I do, probably in the same way that most SO's do - where she cannot think rationally until she finds a distraction and calms down enough to revisit and go through it rationally, while Tom has somehow learned how to instantly take himself out of the highjacking, by forcing his brain into another mode by mimicking the mood he rather be in, like thinking about himself smiling or going into the bathroom and laughing out loud. I also wanted to thank Wade, I've been sick and really run down, he washed my hair and brushed it yesterday, without me asking, he actually wanted to do it and I really appreciated that it made me feel loved.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “6 Mindset Shifts That Will Make You More Magnetic”, in this episode, you get 6 mindset shifts that will help make you more magnetic in social settings. The six mindsets to shift are 1. No matter what, I will be okay | 2. I care more about my character than my reputation | 3. I have impeccable honesty and integrity | 4. I don't need to convince anyone of anything | 5. I share my purpose proactively | and 6. I go there first, to humanizing the interaction. Remember, become the type of energy that no matter where you go, or where you are, you always add value to the spaces and lives of those around you.

This morning, Wade's vacation ended and he had to go into work, so I walked alone, even though it was a bit cold and I'm still sick, I bundled up and was on my way. I listened to a few podcasts, one was 'Something You Should Know', "Great Life Hacks & Why Conversations Get So Nasty" which was interesting specifically because I'm a fan of fun facts and life hacks, so this one did not disappoint. Let's be real who couldn’t use some great life hacks? David Pogue author of Pogue’s Basics: Life, is the first guest and he gives us some great hacks to improve your life. Like, do you know the pinhole-finger trick for seeing without glasses? or do you know how to get the last dregs of ketchup out of the bottle—in one second? it's all in there. Then I listened to 'Nobody Told Me', "Ben Zorn: ...the basics of fitness" Ben Zorn is a fitness expert, personal trainer and founder of Zorn Fitness - he discusses health, nutrition, how to work out properly, diets, fads, what works or doesn't. I enjoyed this one too and I want to relisten to it with Wade because he is into working out and I think he could benefit from hearing some of the pointers discussed here.

Wade got back from work, I had asked him to pick something up for me for lunch, he got me Spanish food - which is my comfort food. He knew exactly what to get me in order to please my rumbling tummy and sick self LOL. The only downside is, I will probably gain some weight from this last week of eating like a pig, sigh. Well, feels good in the moment, I guess I'll through myself a pity party about it when I'm all better hahaha.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: No matter how rundown I felt, I motivated myself to walk.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
6 Mindsets That Will Make You Magnetic

#Relationships
Relationship Theory on Leveraging Alpha and Beta Roles in Your Partnership

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 466:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we laid for a little bit, I was severely drained. I lost hearing in one ear, it feels waterlogged and muffled. After dropping the kids off, my parents stayed for 3 hours, knowing how sick I was, I kept saying I had a headache, but they still stayed and my dad talked and complained without coming up for air. Of course, by the time they left I was mentally, emotionally and physically depleted. We spoke about the book he is reading (Terry Crews) and then about how I need to set up boundaries with my parents, which actually irritated me further since it is just unrealistic. Then we watched some TV and he left for work. I know I am sick and this affects it, but I'm really starting to feel the disconnect that we just started to get back towards the end of his vacation, dwindling away again, which sucks.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Ending An Unhealthy Relationship”, in this episode, Brendon Burchard talks about what is often a difficult topic to discuss, that is ending an unhealthy relationship. Remember, an immature relationship starts with I Love You and ends with screw you! A mature relationship starts with I love you and ends with Thank You.

This morning, we had a disagreement about a text from last night. He sees it his way that he was just busy and caught up with stuff and saw the message late, but I see it my way, as in - I'm not his priority, not really, as soon as he leaves the house, I'm "outta sight, outta mind". He just doesn't get it, he thinks he does, but I don't really believe that he actually understands my interpretation of how 'chain of events' should occur if someone is your priority. He left me a cute sticky note, once I got in bed and saw it, I sent him a thank you and did not hear back. One would think, he would be curious "hmm, has she seen my note yet?" if I didn't respond by a certain point, like when he just got to work, but he did not, his mind was already on other things, as usual. Unless of course, leaving those notes are a form of 'checking boxes', then my responses wouldn't matter (having anticipation). Anyhow, then we listened to the podcast 'Nobody Told Me', "Ben Zorn: ...the basics of fitness" Ben Zorn is a fitness expert, personal trainer and founder of Zorn Fitness - he discusses health, nutrition, how to work out properly, diets, fads, what works or doesn't. I listened to it myself yesterday, but I figured this would be information Wade would appreciate and it would be a nice change of pace from the usual stuff we listen to.

Once we got home, before he left for bed, he reiterated just how grateful he was to have me in his life and for this past year. He has been reading Terry Crews book, which includes a lot of self-reflection and he has been finding a lot of similarities and things he recognizes within himself. He is happy that he is now aware and changing, compared the depressing life he and I, led for 12 years prior.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Half-deaf, still pulling through.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
When to Quit on Someone (or Leave a Bad Relationship!)

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 467:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Hard talks that lead to connection.
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Last night, we watched some Supernatural and he gave me a nice foot rub, trying to do some reflexology to open up the sinuses, it actually does work, offers me some much-needed relief. Once we were both on the couch, we continued watching and then he turned it off and said he wanted to go cuddle in bed. It's still strange for me to hear him ask for these intimate/sensual (but not) sexual things, it never used to be a 'thing' for him, but it does feel good. While in bed, I asked him if he had anything on his mind and he said yes, the stuff from this morning, so we spoke about it. Then when he was getting ready to leave for work, he asked me the very same question, to which I replied, the same issue, that I still do not think he truly grasps the issue I had with this whole situation and what it meant for me. We had to cut it short because he had to leave.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Developing A Growth Mindset”, in this episode, we get 5 steps to developing a growth mindset from our friend Sunny Lenarduzzi. The 5 steps are 1) identifying and rewriting your story, 2) visualization, 3) curate your surroundings, 4) say no to say yes and 5) "the proud list" aka gratitude journal. She breaks each one down in full detail in the podcast/video, but there is a direct link to her written blog about it here. Remember, there is a difference between not knowing and not knowing yet.

This morning, when I woke up I had a few texts from him saying that our talk the night before did not sit right with him and he wanted to talk about it. When we went for our walk, we discussed why the issue wasn't sitting right with him. How after reading Terry's book some more and continued thought, he realized what I was trying to express and that's the main point, that how I perceived it and felt about it is, my truth and is how I feel, meaning if I believe him, based on his actions, that I am his priority - in the same way, that he is mine. Then we had a talk about his nature, how his dad is like that too, how he grew up in the selfish kind of environment. At home, he read a little more of Terry's book and got to a part where Mr. Crews talks about how his wife stayed when she had all the reasons in the world to leave and that reminded Wade of me and our situation, which choked him up a bit.

When he woke up, we decided to take advantage of the nice weather and take the girls out to the park, then stopped by and had dinner out, together - it was a nice time, family time.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: The color my hair has become is looking pretty cool.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Self-Care
5 Steps to Developing a Growth Mindset!

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 468:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family.
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Last night, we cuddled for a bit, my cold is still here and my ear has been congested, clogged and my hearing muffled. I feel like my left ear has swimmers ear, just without going swimming. Wade wants me to see a doctor, but I'm hoping it goes away on its own. Then we went to watch some Supernatural and he was off to work shortly after.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Principle of Reaping What You Sow In Modern Society”, in this episode, we discuss the principle of reaping what you sow in modern society. Remember, a person with enough reasons can accomplish just about anything.

This morning, we went to go see that doctor, so I have a packaged deal, a middle ear, and upper respiratory infection, woohoo, happy mother's day to me. On the way there Wade played a TedTalk that was interesting, from a former sex worker, putting a different spin on the workers and men who come to see them - "What a sex worker can teach us about human connection". Then we went to do our weekly grocery run and for a morning, it was packed, I guess due to the holiday. There were a few triggers there, I think Wade slipped with her, even though she was a butterface, she has his 'dream ass'. Anyway, shortly after he apologized that I keep going through these triggers and that no place is safe for me, he was sorry that his actions over the years led me to this. I appreciate his remorse and empathy, much better than defensiveness or gaslighting.

Later in the day, we had a small celebration for Mother's Day, pizza and a movie, the original plan was to do a BBQ but the weather was shit. Wade did not get me flowers, which was a good thing, as I've been telling him for years not to waste money on them. He created a custom Mother's Day mug for me, with a photo collage of the girls and himself, it was beautiful and I loved it. The kiddos gave me a bunch of art and creations too, it was sweet.

I hope everyone is having a good Mother's Day!~

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Felt so much love from Wade and my girls today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Jim Rohn: If I Can Do It…Anybody Can!

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 469:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) My husband.
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Last night, he gave me a really nice Mother's Day edition back rub, I've been so sick and out of it, this helped a lot. As he did that we started listening to "Relationship Theory on Finding the Right Time For Hard Conversations" which was a great discussion about various ways couples can approach having difficult conversations, especially when they are busy people. Both Tom and Lisa agree, and so do we, that having this freedom of an open line between each other, has been one of the best things to happen to us. No matter what, all couples should strive to reach a point where they can talk to each other, about anything and everything. Then we stopped the video, moved to the living room to watch some Supernatural and enjoyed our connection until he had to head out to work. ** Side point, we were in our own little connected world so much, that both of us completely spaced out that it was GoT night and we missed the episode!! both of us were shocked!

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Amazing Power of I Am”, in this episode, we hear an inspiring message about the amazing power of "I am". Remember, what follows your I am will always come looking for you.

This morning, we drove down to the mall, so we could do a quick round (power walk) and finished listening to "Relationship Theory on Finding the Right Time For Hard Conversations" and spoke a bit about some of the segments in the video. Then my dad had a doctors appointment, but I've been really feeling like crap and I know for a fact, if I took him and had to listen to him for 2 hours, I would have been completely run down by the end of that trip and out of it, for the rest of the day. Wade worked all night but is off tonight, so he stepped it up today and offered to take my dad so I can have a break at home. I am really appreciative about it, him taking 'the hit' for me, as tired as he was, that showed me that he put me first today, ahead of his own tiredness. Although, as soon as I sat down, my mom came over with paperwork for me to do, when she knows I am currently half-deaf, my head is pounding and I just want to rest. After I was done with the paperwork, I thought she would go back home so I could [relax] watch some TV or whatever, but nope, she sat and silently stared at me, as I worked on my PC - until Wade and my dad were back from the appointment. Look, I love both of my parents to death and I am grateful for everything they've done for me and my family, but ever since my dad retired and they moved next door, it has felt like they rely on me for everything from secretarial duties to entertainment services, etc., it's becoming too much, overwhelming and the frustrating part is they did so much for Wade and me over the years as we were 'growing' as a new family, that setting boundaries would backfire on us now and they would guilt the shit out of me, anything I mention always brings out the "daddy would never say no to you when you needed him!" or they would just take it the wrong way (to the absolute extremes) like 'give us some space' would be taken as 'we never want to see you again, ever'. Anyway, back to my main point, Wade stepping it up for me today really made me feel good and grateful, even if I felt a lot of guilt of him missing sleep over it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Feeling really connected to Wade.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
THE MAGIC OF CHANGING YOUR THINKING!

#Relationships
Relationship Theory on Finding the Right Time For Hard Conversations

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 470:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Distracting Apps.
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Last night, we did not talk much, we spoke a bit in the morning. We finally got to the Game of Thrones episode we missed on Sunday, both of us are feeling kind of, meh about it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Develop Self Confidence”, in this episode, performance expert Ed Mylett talks about how to develop self-confidence. Remember, you're going to get out of your life what you accept.

This morning, we dropped the girls off at school and then went to the mall for a quick walk. On the drive there we began listening to "Brené Brown: Create True Belonging and Heal the World with Lewis Howes", Wade already listened to it before but wanted to relisten to it with me so we could discuss it. We only got about 20 minutes in, between all of the pausing and talking, before it was time to make it to our movie. Everything started out good this morning, but south, at the movie concessions there was a young woman cashier wearing a Spiderman t-shirt, so when it was our turn to order, Wade told her that he loved her shirt, then he asked if they sold them there but he didn't stop there, when she said no he said "can I buy, yours?" and after kept rambling on and on about it. The girl looked really uncomfortable, I got triggered by his behavior because I felt like, even if his intentions were innocent, perception is reality and that whole exchange disrespected me because it looked/felt very flirty. It embarrassed me, made me feel insignificant (not a priority/opposite of yesterday) and like a doormat who allows her 'man' to flirt with other women, right in front of her. I was floored that he stood there giving this random woman more attention than he gave me that morning, even if he really did like the dumb shirt, he didn't think ahead at how his words/behavior could affect me. I think he noticed I was triggered, but when we got to our seats, he apologized and said he realizes how it all looked but he really did like the shirt and nothing else. I told him that I needed some time to distract myself (aka cool off)... somehow he took that to mean: holding my hand and repeating how much he loves my hands, while also muttering under his breath "fuck" from time to time. That made me feel like he was holding my hands and telling me 'sweet nothings' to make up for his earlier behavior and not because he wanted to be connected, it felt forced/fake, I don't like that feeling and it just escalates my trigger. We spoke about this a little on the car ride to Costco, I don't know if he really gets my point, because whenever I ask him to give me time, he usually does the opposite. At Costco, it was packed as usual and there were plenty of triggers there, I was already in a mood so it just irritated me further but I began tunning them out by playing my mobile games. I'm not safe anywhere and that feeling sucks, especially after the last two days, sigh.

I'm still deaf in one ear, but at least the ringing has stopped. My back is aching again, my feet too, I think it's the antibiotics - they are making what already hurts - hurt more! and I have to take them, for 10 days! ugh.

Then Wade went in to do this BAE "Module 5: Finding Reconnection", which for some reason takes forever, 2 hrs +, so he gets to sit and listen to them while relaxing (aka playing PC/mobile games), meanwhile I'm in the living room, sick as a dog, getting talked to death by my dad, who is nonstop complaining about all of his ailments. Then I have my four-year-old running up to me every few seconds and asking me random questions, while my eleven-year-old, who is supposed to be "reading", is yapping nonstop too, giving me the play by play about random recipes in her book. It seemed like all three of them were getting louder and louder, talking over each other, in order to be heard. Then I get a text from my brother and an email from his wife asking for me to work on more photos (a "favor") that they need ASAP/tonight, because the last set, the printer could not print due to size/quality, so they send me 6 photos and I was like ummmmm no, I'm doing two and that's it, I don't have the time to sit around and work for free, no matter how many flower and heart emoji's she threw in there, especially since it is for her friends (not even for my brother!) and especially not for people who never answer the call if I ever need something. So, it was bad enough I was triggered today, plus being sick, plus giving Wade time, I had all this other shit flung at me, what a day.

Tomorrow we have the girl's spring concert, which I know will be a trigger fest for me... I hope I have a calm, relaxing night today...doubtful, but one can hope... otherwise, I think I will implode.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: I liked the way my jeans looked today, noticed a lot of others did too, even if Wade didn't.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Jason Silva: Break the Cycle of Fear and Doubt with Lewis Howes
At around 29 minutes he breaks down anxiety and PTSD.

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 471:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Wade.
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Last night, I apologized to Wade for snapping at him because I reached my boiling point, which rarely happens. Being sick, on so many different drugs for it, all of the noise pollution coming at me all at once from every angle, I was a ticking time bomb and the bomb went off. He wanted to hold me (and I get it) but I told him I just need time to myself, I put on my headphones and grounded myself as much as I possibly could. later that night, he gave me a wonderful back rub and then a foot rub right after, that really helped calm my brain down and stop it from spiraling on and on.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Life Without Limits: Limitations Only Exist In Your Mind”, in this episode, we hear that limitations only exist in your mind. Remember, limitations only exist if you believe they exist.

This morning, we had the kids Spring Concert, the little ones looked so adorable, the older ones did too but it was obvious that none of them wanted to be there, they should make the cut off 4th grade and not 6th. Going there I was nervous, there's one specific trigger who gets to me every time, but luckily - I did not see her there today #PraisedBe. There were a few other minor triggers here and there, but I was getting distracted by another mom, as we were chatting it up and joking around. Then I had my echo appointment, which Wade took me too, he slept in the waiting room, while I had it done. I was chatting it up with the technician, she was nice and we complained about society as a whole in this day and age, it made the test go by so much faster.

The rest of the day was pretty simple and laid back, did a little bit of work and tried to keep my stress level down.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: That I was speaking with people when I normally stick to myself and silent.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Brené Brown: Create True Belonging and Heal the World with Lewis Howes

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 472:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
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Last night, we had a quick chat, because we didn't have our usual talk in the morning. I had asked him to find a lite movie so we could have a movie night so we can relax, laugh and be mindless, we watched "White Chicks". The movie is old but funny as hell and both of us loved it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Developing Effective Leadership Skills”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe talks about developing effective leadership skills. Remember, the difference between a leader and a follower is their attitude.

This morning, we dropped the girls off at school and since the weather was actually, finally, nice today - we walked outdoors. We finished listening to "Brené Brown: Create True Belonging and Heal the World with Lewis Howes", it was a wonderful interview and Brené continued explaining how different the world and especially men would be if they embraced vulnerability as the strength that it is, and not believe the herd mentality that it is a weakness. The truth is, you can never have bravery, courage or strength, without vulnerability. Mrs. Brown incredibly real, humble and inspiring, one of her most thought-provoking comments was "our tolerance for discomfort is zero," and she is 100% correct, that is why our society is where it's at.

The rest of the day was peaceful, the kids were at school and my parents did not stop by during the day. I was able to finish my work and even finish up some of my shows in my DVR queue. It was good, now my four year old is reading me "stories" she "wrote" and it is so adorable, with her cute little voice, especially because she isn't yelling but speaking softly lol.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Feeling at peace, it felt nice.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
The mentality of a Leader - Dr. Myles Munroe 10 principles of a true Leader

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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Just wanted to wish you well. You seem like a wonderful woman. And you deserve all the happiness in the world.
 
DAY 473:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we cuddled for a little bit and spoke about how peaceful the day was, which is a strange phenomenon for us these days lol. Afterward, we went to watch some TV and then he had to go back to work, I wish he was still on vacation, especially when things are calm and connected between us.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Steven Wesley: 5 Self Empowerment Tips You For More Success”, in this episode, Steven Wesley gives us 5 helpful self-empowerment tips. The five tips are 1) stop putting other people on a pedestal, 2) cultivate your relationship with fear, 3) developing positive beliefs, 4) "the bridge" - what is the bridge action? is the bridge between where you are right now and where you want to go, it's the bridge between our dreams and our reality and 5) stop self-judgment. Remember, if your compassion does not include you then your compassion is incomplete.

This morning, it was so beautiful out, I didn't even need my jacket. After dropping off our kids at school we decided to walk outside, on the way to the trail he told me (and he was very excited and passionate about it, which I loved) about an Impact Theory episode he really enjoyed and found inspiring, "Wyclef Jean on Building a Successful Mindset". During our walk, we began listening to "Relationship Theory on Identifying Your Partner's Selfish Desires", which is a live cast of Tom and Lisa from vacation. They bring up very good points (which I believe all couples could apply to their situations, vacations or not) that all lead back to one important point, which is to be upfront and completely honest with your partner, from the start. If you are honest with each other, there will be no reason to hold in any tension, resentment, anger or frustration - because you are not hiding or holding back your true feelings or intentions. Something Wade and I have been practicing and it really does make a world of difference, it's simple, but definitely not easy - especially with our histories. For example, before recovery if something was bothering either of us, we would never bring it up, I'd stuff it in and just say I was fine, he just ignores it - nowadays, if I'm feeling triggered, disconnected or anything, as difficult as it is for me sometimes, I bring it up. The same goes for Wade, if he is feeling shame for something, he tells me right away. The difference and why it's important? the way we used to handle it - is how resentment builds over time, even if we don't realize it as we do it. Now, we are free and feel so much lighter because we aren't afraid to tell each other, anything, any longer. Even when I am triggered and we feel disconnected, we end up talking it out and finding a way to work through it, which has changed so much for us, dramatically.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Found my fav X-Men shirt, in the right size, loved how it looked.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
How to EMPOWER YOURSELF

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 474:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Wade was okay.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we continued listening to "Relationship Theory on Identifying Your Partner's Selfish Desires", which was a live cast of Tom and Lisa from vacation, talking about ways both partners in a relationship could get what they both want, as individuals, without compromising the integrity of their relationship as a whole. We got to sit out on the balcony and listen to it, something Wade has been waiting for, for a while lol and the weather was finally warm enough for that.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “5 Smart Ways of Dealing With Toxic People”, in this episode, we learn 5 Smart Ways of Dealing With Toxic People. The tips? 1) Stop pretending you are okay with their behavior, 2) Start speaking up [she shares great ideas with this one], 3) Make a time boundary, 4) Call a friend, before and after dealing with that toxic person and 5) "It's not about you, it's me" is wrong! it is them and the ill feeling is about their toxic behavior and has nothing to do with you or your values. Remember, letting go of toxic people does not mean you hate them. It means you care about your own well being as well.

This morning, I woke up to a few text messages from Wade that he was hurt on the job, he was at the hospital getting x-rays. When I first read them, my heart began racing in fear and a mini panic attack ensued until I spoke to him and he told me that he was banged up but okay. I didn't know whether to go for my walk or not, my mind was racing, I asked him if he wanted me to head over to the hospital but he said no, it was not necessary, then I asked if he needed me to uber myself to him, so I can drive him home and he said nah to that as well. Once he made it clear that he would be okay to come home on his own, when he could, I went for my walk. At first, I wanted to listen to some recovery or self-care stuff, but my mind was too distracted to pay attention. I decided to listen to something lite, so I picked the podcast *Kinda Funny Reviews* the episode "Game of Thrones Final Season Episode 5 - The Bells Review" where they review the second to last episode of Game of Thrones. It was on point because they brought up a lot of plot holes that I mentioned to Wade after we watched that episode, they also had issues with how certain things went down, as did we, it was quite validating.

After Wade woke up, he did not want to stay home, even if he was in pain. We took the girls to the playground, they found some friends and played for a bit. Afterward, we stopped by UNO's for dinner, on a Saturday night, sigh. Our waitress was a trigger, of course, it was not pleasant for me at all. Wade acknowledged it right away, he said he was sorry that I was triggered. Every time she came/passed by, I felt my body tense up, all I kept wondering was "what's he imagining" or "he is probably trying really hard not to slip"... it sucked. I was trying to keep my emotions at bay and it was not easy, but talking about the Game of Thrones podcast I listened to this morning helped.

I am glad that Wade is in pain, but okay, at the end of the day, that's what is most important to me.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Even though my nerves were getting the best of me, I still forced myself to go for my walk to decompress.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Preet Kalsi - 5 Smart Ways To Deal With Toxic People

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 475:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we sat out on the balcony for a bit and talked about my trigger at UNO's, it wasn't pleasant, but unfortunately, a recurring fact in our current life. Then we talk some more about his accident at work, how I'm happy he is home and well enough. He said he really felt that I wanted to be there for him in the morning. Afterward, we watched some TV, before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Overcome Setbacks In Life”, in this episode, Mel Robbins talks with us about how to overcome setbacks in life. Remember, taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having, or feeling.

This morning, Wade could not walk with me due to his injuries, so he fished and I walked. I continued listening to the podcast *Kinda Funny Reviews* the episode "Game of Thrones Final Season Episode 5 - The Bells Review" where they continued to review the second to last episode of Game of Thrones, making great points and ones that I agreed with. Tonight is the finale and I can not wait to see how it all ends. We took our girls out to the playground for a few hours, after that we had a little BBQ with my parents. It was a nice day and evening, overall with one exception - my sister-in-law, who set up my brother to ask me to do another favor for them (after I told her the last time, no more FREEBIES), that I am sure she is charging people for the work she is asking me to do for her, for free, and keeping the money for herself. I made myself clear, this is the last time, I put up a boundary, I am tired of being used and taken advantage of. If either of them would have approached me in an honest manner, instead of schemes and lies, my reaction would have been different.

On a different note, I'm excited to spend more time with Wade for a while and super stoked to watch GoT with him tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Set a boundary with my brother and sister-in-law.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Mel Robbins: How To Control Your Mind

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 476:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Impromptu Lunch Date.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we were so excited to watch the finale of Game of Thrones... only to be a letdown... in a gigantic way............. man oh man did it suck, wow, they did not give us any fan service wrapping this show up, at all. Wade and spent the rest of the night out on the balcony complaining about the shitshow we just witnessed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Quit Worrying About Other Peoples Opinions”, in this episode, we get some excellent advice on how to quit worrying about other people's opinions. His tips? 1) Realize Most People Don't Really Care About You, 2) Stop Comparing Yourself To Others and 3) Define Your Own Happiness. Remember, your time on Earth is limited. Do don’t waste any of it living someone else’s life.

This morning, because Wade really recommended I watch it, I watched "Wyclef Jean on Building a Successful Mindset", it was a great listen and very inspiring, just as fantastic as Wade made it out to be, I knew who he was as a member of the Fugees, but I did not know just how talented he truly was. Then, Wade had some things to attend to and I went for my morning walk, the weather was beautiful and as I walked I listened to "The Future Is Your Brain on Drugs" with Jamie Wheal on Impact Theory. Jamie is an expert on peak performance and leadership, specializing in the neuroscience and application of Flow states. He discussed how a lot of CEO's and those in Silicon Valley are using psychedelic drugs (non-addictive forms) in order to make themselves, smarter, learn faster and feel better. It was a very interesting interview, opens your mind a lot, literally hahaha.

On his way home, Wade called me and asked if I wanted to go grab lunch, I said, of course, we ended up having a little impromptu lunch date. He said he was feeling a little disconnected from me this morning because he was at work and I was walking, it just felt weird. Since the weather was nice, I decided to wear one of my old skorts, from back in the day, the minute he noticed he kept giving me sweet little comments, it was so cute. We had a nice conversation during lunch, then once we got home we spent over an hour lounging on the balcony while reading our books.

It was another calm and peaceful day, surprisingly. Hopefully, tonight will also be drama free... this is actually how I wanted our anniversary weekend/week to be.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Enjoyed Wade's sweet compliments when he saw me in my skort today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
STOP Giving a Damn What Others Think

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 477:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we listened to the podcast *Kinda Funny Reviews* the episode "Game of Thrones Final Episode Review" where we agreed and disagreed with some of the hosts points, shared our opinions with each other and just whined together about what a disgrace the finale of Game of Thrones was... for fans of the series. Then we went to watch some TV, where, as injured as he was, he offered to do my nails, I appreciated that.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Stop Feeling Like You're Falling Behind In Life”, in this episode, Marie Forleo from Marie TV talks with us about how to stop feeling like you're falling behind in life. Remember, where you are is exactly where you need to be.

This morning, we briefly began listening to a Relationship Theory episode called "How to Divide Money Between You and Your Partner" and the first thing they bring up is couples who have separate accounts and why they believe that does not work in an equal partnership, Wade and I agree and we've never done that. Wade sat and read his book, I walked and listened to Meagan Good on Impact Theory, "If You Want Something & Believe You Can Have It, Do This", where she talks about how she navigated her acting career, how to achieve your goals, why she thinks so many people get lost on their journey and the daily practice you can do to make sure you stay the course, focusing on improvement and persistence, her process for learning, how she processes through rejection, the importance of work ethic and why she says success isn’t sustainable without it, her insights on marriage, love, and relationships and how she supports other women. For those who don't know, she is an American actress who has appeared in numerous television shows, films, and music videos as both a child and an adult. She is also the author of “The Wait” which she co-authored with her husband, DeVon Franklin.

The walk was brisk, quite a departure from the lovely weather we had yesterday, but it was a nice walk anyway. We had to do our weekly grocery run, on the way there we stopped by Dunkin Donuts to get a latte, I waited in the car and Wade went to get it. A few minutes in, a threat walks right in, one of his primes, a few minutes after that, he comes back to the car - empty handed... and I was like umm...? and he said the machine was broken, so... I'm thinking, 'well, if the machine was broken, I wonder why it took him so long to make his way back to the car, I'm sure it had nothing to do with the eye candy that walked in'... of course he said that he noticed her, but did not slip, he apologized that I have to constantly suffer like this. That I could be having a good day and then it gets ruined because of some random person. At the supermarket, there were a few triggers but none as bad as the one at Dunkin. The rest of the day I felt better.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Even lose I had shortness of breath, I still pushed through and continued walking for another round.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Feeling Behind In Your Life?

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 478:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Wade's support.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we sat out on the balcony and vented quite a bit about my parents waltzing in, just as we were about to sit down to have dinner. I've put down a boundary numerous times, but they just keep breaking it and it is getting ridiculous. Afterward, we went inside laid on the bed and continued listening to the Relationship Theory episode "How to Divide Money Between You and Your Partner" which covers an array of topics, one point they brought up was when they were on vacation in New York and he had an urgent business call he had to attend to, in the middle of dinner, which lasted two hours. Lisa said she was pissed, but had to calm herself down and really think things through, weigh her options of picking a fight with him, when he is already stressed and what that would do for the rest of the evening or whether to understand that he didn't want to be dealing with work, but this is the life she knew she was getting into with him, etc. Wade compared it to how I've been handling a lot of situations these days, unlike the last 12 years of our marriage, this last year, the choice was mine and I knew what I was saying yes to. So, it made a lot of sense.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Stop Overthinking Everything”, in this episode, Rafael Eliassen talks with us about how to stop overthinking everything. Remember, stop worrying about what could go wrong, and get excited about what could go right. I realllllllyyyyyyyyy need to remember this.

This morning, we had to go to a meeting with my parents and others, during that meeting Wade saw how my mom just threw me under the bus!! but I stood my ground and for once, I took the driver's seat and returned the favor! proud moment LOL. Having Wade there helped ease my tension. After that on the way to the car, I noticed was slip/check some woman out, but I just let it go, my mind was somewhere else and she wasn't the type to trigger me. After we dropped my parents off at home, he and I went to have lunch at a Korean place, which was nice, we also finished the podcast on the way there. We spoke about the Relationship Theory video we just finished and then I asked him if he had anything he wanted to talk about and he brought up the slip on his own, then asked me if I was waiting for him to bring it up and I was honest, I said no. I told him that sometimes I notice him slip and if it's nothing intense for me, I just let it go and don't bother bringing it up. That is why sometimes, he may notice I write about it in my journal (like "he may have slipped") but I don't mention it to him. Unless he does it blatantly/in my face and then gets defensive and gaslights me or it's a big [uncontrollable] trigger, I don't always feel the need to discuss it/I let it go.

Later today we have a board meeting, which I hope won't last too long because I really would like to just relax with him, especially when we have to clean and I have work to do too -- beforehand!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: I was rocking my outfit today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
How to Stop Overthinking Everything

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 479:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) My eldest's smarts.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we sat out on the balcony and talked about what a difference having this connection has made for us, we could be doing anything from talking, sitting in silence, watching tv or even playing games and still feel connected. In the past, it literally felt like we were "together" but not as husband and wife but more like roommates, with kids. We had zero connection, for 12 years, how sad is that.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Oversharing on Social Media: 10 Things You Should Always Keep to Yourself”, in this episode, we get reminded how important it is to stop oversharing on social media. If you share everything about yourself with others, you may say things that perhaps you shouldn’t. There’s actually nothing wrong with keeping some things to yourself. Remember, the quieter you become the more you can hear.

This morning, we went to the mall, Wade was feeling a little better and walked with me. We re-listened to a Relationship Theory episode called "Ground Rules for a Happy Marriage", they went through a whole host of topics, but one of the most important points (in my opinion) is they came up with something called "keys to the kingdom" which is a phrase that they use, when they are in an argument and believe the other person has let emotions take over and rational thought has left the building. They use this trigger phrase to inform their partner that this argument has gone awol and it's time for a break, so they can revisit it later, when both of them are no longer being hijacked with emotional responses, but can rationally discuss the issue. Wade has a tendency to be a right fighter, this does not go well when I am in the middle of a trigger and we just escalate the situation instead of trying to deescalate it. Recently, he has been better about it, when both of us are in a heightened emotional state, he listens to me (usually) when I say we need to stop and come back to it later. They also talked about loyalty, connection, and respect. Neither of us ever stooped to calling the other any names or used any terms just to throw shade at the other, even in the middle of an argument. He told me that he felt like his connection to me has evolved over time and he thinks he is becoming more like Tom, I hope that is possible, but I am not certain that it can be, given his history and who he finds attractive, but I am not in his head either. Anyway, it was a really good episode and opened up a really good discussion for the two of us.

Afterward, we had a school function to attend, we had a meeting scheduled and were afraid we weren't going to make it but we did. She and her school were honored by the major of our City, as well as the superintendent of schools, she is apart of the honors society and her school was awarded "school of the month" by the City - it was a proud parent moment for the both of us.

Overall, we had a good day, both of us have back pain now, feels like we aren't in our 30's but in our 70's LOL.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Love, love, love the new yoga pants I got.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
The 10 Things You Should Always Keep To Yourself

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 480:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we hung out on the balcony for a bit, same as the last few nights. We spoke a bit about us, my gut feeling being gone for one particular issue - where I actually want to/need to have it most... how I believe him on various other issues where my gut plays a role, etc, then played some mobile games, then it got chilly, my back was aching and so was his... so we went inside and watched some TV before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Awesome Power of Appreciation”, in this episode, former Major League pitcher, and author Mike Robbins talks about the power of appreciation. Remember, do not be so focused on where you're going, that you fail to appreciate where you are.

This morning, although it was windy and the air was crisp, we decided to walk in the park. During our walk, we listened to Relationship Theory's "How to Handle a Fixed Mindset in a Relationship" episode. Like most of the other episode's the title does not do the episode justice, as they talk about a vast number of topics in this one. It opened the doors to many conversations for Wade and me during our walk. Specifically, there was one part where Lisa says she is so trusting and confident in Tom, that even if the most beautiful woman came on to him, she knows he wouldn't pursue it (cheat on her) and would never even wonder "would he?" "could he?" "is it possible?". For me though, I told Wade, I do not think I could ever get to that place, given our history - he already betrayed me in the biggest way by cheating on me (even if PA was to blame), so trust was shattered, I also watched him ogle everybody and their mother for 12 straight years and I know how much he loves attention/when his ego gets stroked. So, in my mind, I could easily picture a situation where, if one of his primes comes onto him with just enough flirtiness and charm, maybe if he has a few drinks in him, and he thinks there is no way he would get caught - he would not be able to resist that temptation, even now, as much as it hurts for me to think about that, I truly believe it. He said, no, that everything has changed for him, his outlook, how he feels about me, etc and I should never say "never" because my mind might change as I heal more and regain more trust, safety and security in him, but I just don't know. I have too many fears and uncertainties around this stuff because I can not control anyone, but myself and my own actions. Of course, there is a chance things could change for me (mentally), I do trust him when he tells me about other things, I can tell these days when he is being sincere and he has been honest with me about everything. I know he loves me, I can feel how connected he is to me and I to him... how we want to be together all the time and share everything together, even sitting in silence and playing stupid phone games. I can see how much he has changed and sometimes I do feel like he is a completely different person, so much so, that when we speak about past incidents, I feel like I am talking about my past relationship with a new boyfriend or something, it's weird. This was a really good video and led to an interesting discussion for us both. Ironically as we were talking about this, a 'threat' walked on by, one of his prime-types, I got triggered but I tried to keep my focus on our conversation (stay distracted). Then they talked about setting terms in a relationship and making sure both partners know what they are and agree to them, they use the word "terms" - to me, they are "boundaries". After our walk, Wade and I set them, for our new post-recovery relationship. Fairly simple ones, not surprising either: honesty, loyalty, and open communication... his list was the same, maybe in a different order.

Then I had another meeting with someone and my parents. Afterward, the day was pretty laid back, my back is still achy and Wade's injury was overworked from our walk, so he plans on sitting out of the walk tomorrow morning. It sucks, I hope he didn't mess himself up too much.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Stayed positive and clear-headed during my meeting today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
The power of appreciation: Mike Robbins at TEDxBellevue

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 481:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family time with the little one.
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Last night, we went out on the balcony for a little while and spoke about our day, pondering if my perspective will eventually change about trusting him when he tells me that I am what who he desires, and he isn't just saying that because it's what I "want to hear", meaning that I can get to a place (mentally) where I can rest assured that I am really the one he wants, no matter who is around. He is a lot more hopeful than I am, but I guess one of us has to be. Then we went to watch some TV, had a little fun and then passed out.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Hidden Power Of Waking Up Early”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer talks with us about the hidden power of waking up early. Remember, to live well is to create a life that you can't wait to wake up to each day.

This morning, before leaving to start our day, while the little one ate breakfast, we listened to a quick video, quite insightful, "Esther Perel Explains Why Couples Fight" where Esther names the 3 real (core) reasons that couples fight for (1) Power and Control (2) Closeness and Care (3) Respect and Recognition. Then we decided to go to the mall since Wade couldn't walk with me today, we took the little one with us and he went with her to the indoor play area and I did some rounds on my own. During my walk I listened to Marie Forleo's interview with Mark Manson, a best-selling writer who got a lot of attention for his in-your-face article "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" in this video "Here’s How to Stop Caring About Things That Don’t Matter" they go over many things, like why we need to stop wasting so much time and energy going around trying to make everyone else happy, because, at the end of the day, it just is not possible. One of the best quotes in the video was when Mark says "Like if you’re gonna put yourself out there and really show your personality, you’re going to turn some people off. And so I think a lot of people, not to get off too much on a tangent, but a lot of people who struggle in dating, it’s because they want to be liked by everybody, but the result is that they’re loved by no one - because they’re so afraid of being rejected." Then Wade and I met up for lunch, had a little quality family time, even though our eldest opted to stay at home with her grandparents. He said the indoor the play area was pretty empty for a Saturday, so I guess he didn't have many issues there. I, however, did have a few triggers both on my walk alone and while we were together. I do my best to use up any will power and self-control that I can muster, not to go nuts and remain civil and sane, but it is though with some of them. During the car ride back, we talked about the same topics again and I continue to wonder if my gut feeling will come back on this one specific issue, if I will ever feel secure enough with him, to have that feeling that I've been yearning for, where - no matter who is nearby, I have my man's full attention, but with Wade, I just do not think it is possible, and it is not that I think he is lying to me when he tells me these days that he suddenly woke up from a haze and finds me attractive or wants me no matter who is around, I just think that he has repeated those thoughts/lines/mantras to himself so many times, that he has essentially convinced himself of it, therefore, if he believes it to be true, when he says it to me, technically it is not a lie - but it is also not his true genuine feelings, at his core and I think that's what is unsettling to me - of course, he denies that, but I think it is totally plausible. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to have my gut feeling wake the fuck up and go "YES! it is true, I believe it, I can take him at his word when he says I am all he wants", it what why I decided enough was enough and wanted to find someone who put me as number one... but with Wade, I've seen what he has wanted for over a decade and 1 + 1 just does not = 3. There are a lot of questions, uncertainties, fears and it pains me because I love him so much, but like I was trying to explain to him in the car, he has no idea how excruciating and painstaking it is, going through this shit daily, the triggers/emotional ups and downs... always wondering, questioning if I am who my husband really wants, desires, prefers, etc. Which is so difficult/confusing for me because I can feel he is honest about everything else, I feel so connected to him, I don't want to be with anyone else at this point, something I couldn't say Jan 2018 and there are so many moments when we are together, where I just feel at peace, loved and just happy but that one huge piece is always missing and it is a big one, causing a lot of discrepancies for me. I really hope he is right and the day will come, where I will feel secure enough with him to believe that he wants me, more than he wants them... *shrug*

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Maintained my cool, even through so rough triggers today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Wayne Dyer - Ways to Awaken Your Hidden Power

Here’s How to Stop Caring About Things That Don’t Matter

#Relationships
Esther Perel Explains Why Couples Fight

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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