Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 481:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Family time with the little one.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we went out on the balcony for a little while and spoke about our day, pondering if my perspective will eventually change about trusting him when he tells me that I am what who he desires, and he isn't just saying that because it's what I "want to hear", meaning that I can get to a place (mentally) where I can rest assured that I am really the one he wants, no matter who is around. He is a lot more hopeful than I am, but I guess one of us has to be. Then we went to watch some TV, had a little fun and then passed out.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Hidden Power Of Waking Up Early”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer talks with us about the hidden power of waking up early. Remember, to live well is to create a life that you can't wait to wake up to each day.

    This morning, before leaving to start our day, while the little one ate breakfast, we listened to a quick video, quite insightful, "Esther Perel Explains Why Couples Fight" where Esther names the 3 real (core) reasons that couples fight for (1) Power and Control (2) Closeness and Care (3) Respect and Recognition. Then we decided to go to the mall since Wade couldn't walk with me today, we took the little one with us and he went with her to the indoor play area and I did some rounds on my own. During my walk I listened to Marie Forleo's interview with Mark Manson, a best-selling writer who got a lot of attention for his in-your-face article "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" in this video "Here’s How to Stop Caring About Things That Don’t Matter" they go over many things, like why we need to stop wasting so much time and energy going around trying to make everyone else happy, because, at the end of the day, it just is not possible. One of the best quotes in the video was when Mark says "Like if you’re gonna put yourself out there and really show your personality, you’re going to turn some people off. And so I think a lot of people, not to get off too much on a tangent, but a lot of people who struggle in dating, it’s because they want to be liked by everybody, but the result is that they’re loved by no one - because they’re so afraid of being rejected." Then Wade and I met up for lunch, had a little quality family time, even though our eldest opted to stay at home with her grandparents. He said the indoor the play area was pretty empty for a Saturday, so I guess he didn't have many issues there. I, however, did have a few triggers both on my walk alone and while we were together. I do my best to use up any will power and self-control that I can muster, not to go nuts and remain civil and sane, but it is though with some of them. During the car ride back, we talked about the same topics again and I continue to wonder if my gut feeling will come back on this one specific issue, if I will ever feel secure enough with him, to have that feeling that I've been yearning for, where - no matter who is nearby, I have my man's full attention, but with Wade, I just do not think it is possible, and it is not that I think he is lying to me when he tells me these days that he suddenly woke up from a haze and finds me attractive or wants me no matter who is around, I just think that he has repeated those thoughts/lines/mantras to himself so many times, that he has essentially convinced himself of it, therefore, if he believes it to be true, when he says it to me, technically it is not a lie - but it is also not his true genuine feelings, at his core and I think that's what is unsettling to me - of course, he denies that, but I think it is totally plausible. Don't get me wrong, I would give anything to have my gut feeling wake the fuck up and go "YES! it is true, I believe it, I can take him at his word when he says I am all he wants", it what why I decided enough was enough and wanted to find someone who put me as number one... but with Wade, I've seen what he has wanted for over a decade and 1 + 1 just does not = 3. There are a lot of questions, uncertainties, fears and it pains me because I love him so much, but like I was trying to explain to him in the car, he has no idea how excruciating and painstaking it is, going through this shit daily, the triggers/emotional ups and downs... always wondering, questioning if I am who my husband really wants, desires, prefers, etc. Which is so difficult/confusing for me because I can feel he is honest about everything else, I feel so connected to him, I don't want to be with anyone else at this point, something I couldn't say Jan 2018 and there are so many moments when we are together, where I just feel at peace, loved and just happy but that one huge piece is always missing and it is a big one, causing a lot of discrepancies for me. I really hope he is right and the day will come, where I will feel secure enough with him to believe that he wants me, more than he wants them... *shrug*

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Maintained my cool, even through so rough triggers today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Wayne Dyer - Ways to Awaken Your Hidden Power



    Here’s How to Stop Caring About Things That Don’t Matter


    #Relationships
    Esther Perel Explains Why Couples Fight



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

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  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    My money is with Wade on this one, and I predict it'll happen soon
     
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  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    @Wade W. Wilson and I both agree <3
     
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  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 482:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Nature Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, much like the other nights, we continued the same discussion, so I will not repeat it here again, both of us know what was said. Then we watched some TV, relaxed and went to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Making Your Own Decisions”, in this episode, Tony Robbins talks about the importance of making your own decisions. Remember, your ability to make your own decisions is the ultimate power.

    This morning, we went for our walk on the trail. Wade was able to do one round with me, before he had to rest, while we walked together we continued listening to Relationship Theory's "On Choosing Not to Have Kids and Dividing House Chores". In this episode, they go through various topics, all of which opened some good dialogue between us. They discussed how to deal with the family’s disappointments in your decision not to have kids, something we can not relate to directly, but we do understand where they are coming from. Then they went onto the topic of dividing gender roles and house chores in the household when one partner makes more money, for us though, we just sort of fell into our roles without really talking about it or literally assigning anything - we just did whatever we were better at. Another good Q&A stemmed from them giving their practical tips on how to rebuild the connection in your relationship when one partner feels distant, where Wade and I actually agreed with all of them. Also, what to do when you disagree on fundamental values in the relationship, luckily for us, we don't have any major value clashes. The only huge "disagreement" we are currently facing is what I believe he feels about me (physically) and what he tells me. When I began my solo walk, I listened to an interview by Lewis Howes of Esther Perel, "Sexual Desire and Successful Relationships" where Esther speaks about her family's history and struggles, the history behind marriage, sexuality, desire, divorce and taking away the concept of divorce = failure, etc. I have not finished the entire video yet, I have about 20 minutes left, but my the strongest takeaway that really hit me from this interview has been this point that she brings up: "...most of us are gonna have two or three committed relationships in our lifetime due to divorce, due to death, various things. Some of us are gonna do it with the same person. I have had probably three marriages to the same man; well not because we divorced or anything but because over 30 years we have had to redefine ourselves, to restructure everything, what works at five years is not gonna work for the next five. What works when we're in our twenties isn't the same as when we are in our 50s. Today flexibility, fluidity, the ability to reinvent oneself, to redefine yourself, to manage tradition and innovation is really what has to enter into all modern love that's what coupledom is about - those who can do it, do it with each other and the other ones do it by finding a new person...". I really liked her point, I think it is relevant to my experience during this recovery, I feel like I am in a new committed relationship, ever since he became this new person. It also makes me think if there comes a day where he suddenly breaks my boundary and I had to go my separate ways, that's okay too because everything I've been through has been a learning experience and has taught me to be better, for the next relationship I get into.

    Then, because the weather was nice we decided to take the girls out to the park, it was short lived due to all of the airborne fluff flying around from the trees - looked like it was snowing. Our eldest was pitching a fit all day, getting on my damn nerves and Wade's, but we still got them Wendy's and finished watching Ready Player One together. Now I am counting down the minutes until I can put them both to bed and just relax, my head is pounding. Can't catch a break.

    There were a few triggers throughout the day, but such is life for me.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: My hair was shiny and full of volume, loved how it looked.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    MAKE A DECISION



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 483:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk & Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about our days, feelings, ranted a bit about my parents and just the huge drain and headache I had from the chaos that just occurred... our girls going crazy, then when they were finally busy, my parents came over and talked my ears off. Then, when we went inside I asked him to pass me my Aveeno lotion because I wanted to moisten up my feet while I was sitting/watching TV, then he offered to do it for me and give me a foot rub while he was at it. I was reluctant, he hasn't done it in a while and I assumed it was because he was hurting, so I didn't want him to do it so he could feel bad later, but he said he was okay to do it and he did - it did feel really good and I appreciated it. Then we went to bed, I actually fell asleep without my dose of NyQuil, I want to try weaning myself off of it.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Being Weird is the Secret”, in this episode, Alex Heyne, the author of Master The Day explains why being weird is the secret to success. Remember, the faster you get comfortable with being called crazy the faster you're going to win at life.

    This morning when we both woke up, it just felt so good, so connected - might I even say, perfect. I felt safe in his arms, it was like no one else was around if even for a few minutes, just the two of us. Then, we went on a short walk because we had errands to run after. During our walk, we listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast " The Cultural Era of Narcissism" his featured guest was Tara Lemasters who is a Licensed Therapist and an expert on the issue of narcissism, what it is and what it’s not, and what a diagnosis of narcissism means. She and Rob also discuss when forms of narcissism are normal/healthy vs. when self-obsession begins to take a turn into something much darker, and the difference between narcissist self-obsession and real empathy. Wade immediately found similarities in his own behaviors and what was being described, so did I for that matter. They said narcissism is usually correlated with addiction. That over recent years, the term narcissism has become embraced in every relationship situation in our culture. The problem is not the word itself, but when a narcissist finds themselves more attached to their needs and addictions then the people they care about, with no fear of suffering consequences. Hence why they are able to compartmentalize so much, allowing them to go on with their betrayal and horrible behaviors care-free because they have no reason to empathize. Narcissistic people tend to lack empathy, so they will do whatever pleases them the most, and not think about how that affects the people around them. There is a difference between narcissism and sociopathy, where narcissism tends to have intact remorse which may be brought out during treatment, but sociopaths are incapable of feeling empathy whatsoever. During recovery, if empathy is gained, the recovering addict is less likely to go back to his old ways. After betrayal and when initial trust is broken, it can never be the same again. Partners must rebuild together from the ground up, and it’s very similar to rebuilding a house from scratch. It was a very informative podcast in my opinion and we had a good talk through it.

    During that walk, along with the rest of the day (we went to the supermarket, then playground), there were a few triggers here and there, which were not pleasant at all for me. Seems like today they were coming out of the woodwork. Some were stronger than others, really knocked the wind out of me and I had to really try to control my emotions/reactions after they went off in order not to derail the day and be in a complete funk. I just can not help it, whenever I am triggered (when I see them), it just reminds me, of everything that I am not and can never be for him. Of course, it helps that these days he doesn't pretend they aren't there, that its all in my head, go into defensive or right-fight about it, empathy does help the situation, compared to the escalation I experienced before. But, I still know that... they are his type, the types he has preferred for over a decade, that just doesn't go away, it can be blurred I am sure if his emotional connection has been turned on, but those two are not mutually exclusive. He said he was sorry for all that I was going through, but I said to him... what I have been saying... "it is, what it is". Unfortunately, there is nothing either of us can do to change this, other than split up or just suck it up as we have been.

    There were positives, throughout the day - our morning embrace, then Wade made a wonderful tasty BBQ for the family, while he was in and out cooking my dad began talking my ears off, I even had to take some Advils - he sat down by me for a few mins and I just laid my head on his shoulders and that was some relief. Then we watched a movie together with the girls, which was sweet. For dinnertime he made a delicious garlic London broil steak, he is such an awesome cook, everyone enjoyed it.

    Hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend and took some time to remember and thank those who served & serve.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: How my new workout shirt 'sat' on me today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Why Being Weird is the Secret to Success



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

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  6. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    How does that Esther Perel quote at the end fit in for you?
    On first reading it looks like the opposite of what we are all trying to achieve. What do you need to hide to remain mysterious, what should Wade be hiding to remain mysterious? I don't get some of what Perel says. Well I do get it, I just don't see how it might sit alongside recovering from porn addiction.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  7. I think it maybe applies more to the SO than the PA? When the PA is finally in recovery, the SO can begin their healing, too. As long as there are things hidden, there are things to be sought...which prevents true recovery/healing from happening. I could be completely off what it's supposed to mean or how @Jagliana interprets it, but that's how I take it.
     
  8. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Thanks @hope4healing, but I think you are off what Perel means. For example, here's a quote from her book Mating in Captivity
    She's a powerful writer, but it is not easy to see how some of what she writes could be applied to porn addiction recovery.
     
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  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    My interpretation of that quote was more along the lines of how @hope4healing saw it.

    When the recovering addict no longer has any secrets, lies, does not lead a double life, manipulates, etc. because he is now open, honest and vulnerable, there is nothing left for us, the betrayed to constantly be wary of, always wondering if "there is something else" or always looking for the truth. When we know you have stopped hiding, we can stop seeking and we can finally begin our own healing.
     
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  10. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Great, that makes sense. I don't think that's what Perel means. I believe she thinks relationships are stronger when something is hidden, when there is something left to seek, but it doesn't matter what she meant it matters more what you (and @hope4healing) take it to mean. And your interpretation fits better with porn recovery.
     
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  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Maybe, not sure, but it's what I took it to mean, for myself. I use/interpret these quotes the same way people do of works of Art, in my own way :)
     
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  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 484:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Walk & Talk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we again sat out on the balcony and continued the same conversation, as the last few days. Also, how content both of us are with the fact that we are able to speak to each other, so honestly. Then we dug a little deeper when I asked him - why did he decide to really start recovery this time, compared to all the others. We also vented about our day and I let out some of my frustrations, how I needed to take Advil towards the end of the day, sigh but also we reflected about some of the positives of the day. After that, we watched some TV and then went to bed. Unfortunately, I couldn't fall asleep, so at 2:45 am, I broke, I went and took some NyQuil... I needed to get some sleep.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Simplify Your Life and Live Happier”, in this episode, Brainy Dose gives 10 easy tips on how to simplify your life and live happier. Remember, simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

    This morning, we went to the mall for our walk and talk, on the way there and during our walk, we listened to Jay Shetty's podcast, the episode we heard was "David Goggins: ON Dealing With Childhood Traumas". This one really led to a lot of pauses for discussions for us, because the topics hit close to home, even though we led completely different lives from Mr. Goggins. He starts off by making it clear, the only way you can go forward is to go all the way back...to the beginning - to your childhood because that’s where everything starts until you heal or face ALL of your past wounds, you are never really 'settled' because you will always be haunted by voices in your head, from your past. He then goes over things like, how real growth comes from testing the mind, overcoming a horrible foundation, "using the accountability mirror" which was an interesting concept, knowingly or unknowingly you're choosing to be stuck, how to begin difficult conversations with yourself, quit being kind and skirting around the issue(s) and stop surrounding yourself with people who coddle you. Then he goes even deeper and talks about finding the courage to change your situation, changing your relationship with "suffering and discomfort", how you only truly find yourself when you're not comfortable, how we all have a voice in our head - but the more we don't listen to it, the more we start to only hear ourselves, embracing discomfort etc., this description does not do it justice, you have to listen to it.

    Then we spent some nice quiet, quality time at home, had lunch and then went to a doctors appointment for Wade. On the Way back we finished that Jay Shetty podcast, but also talked a bit more about his "type" and how he claims that I have been his type all along, I fit the criteria, but as soon as I was "his" (wife/we were married) and his addiction took on full control, he just lost sight of it. He says that even if he was married to whom I consider his "prime", he wouldn't have treated her any different, because that is just what his addiction did to him. I told him that, I just am not sure of that, I wholeheartedly believe that he might have still acted out, but not to this extent or he would have ogled similar women. Then I brought him a simple example if he were single right now and at a bar and two women approached him, one who looked like me, another who looked like one of his "primes"... both were coming onto him, which one would he pick to pursue further? if I were a betting gal, I would place my bets on the "prime type". He says "right now, I'm not so sure" but... come on, let's get real LOL. Then he tried to flip the question on me and who would I chose, someone who looked like him now, versus someone who I consider "my type" and I told him I'm actually not sure, which is honest for me, at this point in my life (with all of my past experience) who I pursue would be based on looks, plus how they attempt to flirt with me would play a huge role. So, I would listen for the "pick up" lines used, who was funny or just acting dumb, etc. I'm too old for the "he's hot, so it's okay that he is full of himself and a jackass" kind of thing. Men are usually more visual and go straight for who fits their "type" physically first, then they worry about the rest later. At the end of the day, the truth is this, I continued to see him as "my one and only" as he changed throughout the years, always staying loyal to him as my husband with all my parts, including my eyes, so he was my "it". On the flip side, his eyes and other parts wandered everywhere, constantly, giving me absolutely zero security on where I stood as a woman in his eyes, from where I was standing I was all the way in the back of the line if I even made the cut-off. I spent years watching him, watch others nonstop, wondering why he was even with me anymore if he wanted something else so freaking bad, the more I changed, the uglier I felt because I noticed his ogling only getting worse, then I just began numbing out because I suspected that he found me absolutely repulsing and the only reason he was still with me was for convenience, because we had kids, etc. So, call me crazy, but, I have very little belief or "assurance" that he would choose me or someone who looks like me, if given another option, especially one that he really prefers, physically. I was never given any security to believe that I was ever his "preferred type" because as I aged and had babies, his acting out seemed to only get worse, so my conclusions? if I change, he needs something else. His conclusions? no matter what, I have always picked him. It's the sad, hard - truth. As I said, I want to believe him when he says everything has changed now, but how? I have no foundation on the ground when it comes to this particular issue with him, all I know is what I've lived for over a decade.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Even though I was tired from lack of sleep, I pushed through the day.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How To Simplify Your Life



    David Goggins on Impact Theory - How to Make Yourself Immune to Pain:


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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

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  13. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I agree that we can (should?) interpret quotes in whatever way works for us, but since you're still not sure what Perel really meant I am going to try one more time, I hope that's OK. Here's the full quote that the sentence you liked is from (it is on Page 46 of Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity)

    She does not see "nothing left to hide" as a good thing. We do, shining a light into dark corners where addiction hid is what we are doing here, but Perel is not advocating that, quite the opposite.
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    Perhaps, I never read her book. I just search for keywords that relate to me, what I am feeling etc., and then pick the quotes that relate to that or what I am trying to express (personally), I never double check to see if the quote had been taken out of context. To me, that one line meant that one thing for recovery/betrayed. It was my interpretation, of that one specific line.
     
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  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 485:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Harsh but honest talks.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me a nice pedicure, it was sweet of him, I really appreciate it when he does these things for me. I usually do them on my own and in the past, he wouldn't even take notice, these days he seems way more interested and even offers to do these little mundane tasks for me, even appears to enjoy it, at least from what I can tell. I am grateful for that because sitting hunched over trying to do it myself, destroys my back further. Then, midway through, he paused the TV and said he wanted to talk a little bit, so we did. He said he read my journal post from last night and understand where I was coming from and agreed with why I thought, the thoughts - that I thought, after the years that I experienced. We talked a bit more about that, but it is repetitive to rewrite here, so I won't.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Tips On How To More Effectively Deal With Difficult People”, in this episode, Charlie from Charisma on Command gives some exercises that help with self-awareness. Remember, the less you respond to difficult people the more peaceful your life will become.

    This morning, we went to the mall for our walk and talk, on the way there and during the walk, we began listening to Jay Shetty's podcast "Chelsea Handler: ON How Therapy Changed Her Life", which was another great one. I have to be honest, when I was younger, I caught her show(s) once in a while and always thought she was trashy and a bit "much", kind of avoided listening to her. However, I guess something has changed for her, she has changed and how she portrays herself to the world has too. So far in this interview, she gets candid about losing her brother at a young age, how she’s using tools she learned in therapy to cope with it. She gets very vulnerable in this episode, talks about how everyone's looking to find the right person rather than trying to be the right person. How she decided to give therapy a try and how it's improved her life, how it's okay to give yourself permission to feel pain rather than masking it. They also discuss the benefits of meditation and how sometimes, it opens the door to some negative thinking that you will need to work through. A great quote from her, "Until you repair your own injuries you’re not very useful to other people” - Chelsea Handler. During the walk we stopped in front of a storefront, where there was a huge poster of a model, one of his 'primes' in a bikini, with her ass cheeks hanging out, I noticed him (his eyeballs) look in that direction (up, down, up, down) three times in a row, so I brought it up to him because that triggered me. He said it was random, had nothing to do with the image, he was looking at a mannequin or a reflection of someone passing by, I don't buy it, we had a whole discussion about it - the whole way home, we had to agree to disagree. I just don't think he feels about me, nor did he ever, physically, as he should, meaning as someone who honestly wants, desires and finds their significant other as their "number one" above anyone else.

    The rest of the day has been a bit frustrating between an annoying client's assistant and someone else, who wanted to meet up, then canceled, then said he would call and never did.

    Dinner was awesome too, Wade made Creamy One-Pot Chicken, Carrot, and Spinach Orzo and it was delicious! even our four year old ate some. He's so great in the kitchen, I'm jealous.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Love how my hair has been laying straight recently, without frizz.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Jay Johnson - How to Deal with Difficult People



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 486:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Podcasts.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he surprised me with such a mindblowing (literally) back/neck massage, it was so good that I felt like I was high by the time he was done lol. While he did that, we finished listening to Jay Shetty's podcast "Chelsea Handler: ON How Therapy Changed Her Life", as I mentioned in yesterday's post, she really has become a completely different person, than whom I remember listening to all those years ago, it's quite amazing.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live Life On Your Own Terms”, in this episode, Les Brown as he talks with us about how to live life on your own terms. Remember, what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. Which has really been a big problem for me, I tend to imagine things as they "should be"... in my head, but it just never comes out that way and it becomes such a letdown.

    This morning, we had to take my parents somewhere and then go to one of Wade's doctor's appointments, that whole ordeal lasted the entire day, it was so long that we had to rush home, mid-appointment to pick up the kids from school, then he had to rush back to continue waiting to be seen, obnoxious really. I wanted to be with him when the doctor saw him, but I had to stay home with the girls, we never imagined that the appointment would run so damn long in the first place.

    He went back, I'm home with the kids, I actually miss him, it's been a really long and draining day. I guess because we were together all day and now we are apart, I'm really feeling it. I just want him home already, kids in bed, so we can just decompress together.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Just how much I enjoy Wade's cooking, even though I ate it alone today and it was leftovers, it was still yummy.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Les Brown - Your Attitude Is a Decision



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 487:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Some Peace.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we were both beat, it was an extremely long and exhausting day. His back was really bothering him, so I suggested he try a heating pad since Ibuprofen hasn't been working and it is what provides me with some relief, with my back issues. Luckily, he said it did help, he reapplied it a few times. We watched some TV and then headed to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “12 Keys To Attracting Abundance Into Your Life”, in this episode, Wayne Dyer gives us 12 Keys to attracting abundance in your life. Remember, abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.

    This morning, while driving around, before my walk, we listened to BAE's podcast "From Hopeless to Hope", which was about how finding at least one person, with whom you can be vulnerable, authentic and really yourself - changes your outlook from feeling hopeless into hopeful, because you no longer feel like you are not alone. Of course, most of the episode was a filler/fluff piece to promote an online course they are creating called From Shattered to Thriving, which you will have to pay for. Afterward, the weather was beautiful so Wade sat and read his book and I went on my walk. I listened to Tom's Health Theory, I only got through half, but it was the episode "Jillian Teta on Intuitive Eating & Tweaking Your Diet For Longevity". So far, it is a very insightful discussion and I'm learning quite a bit, most of our gut aka stomach issues all come from mindset, stress and which part of the brain is triggered during your bodily disturbance, quite fascinating. Then Wade and I had a rather pleasant day, did some shopping, had a nice lunch and even went into CVS, when we bumped into my usual trigger there and for some odd reason, I didn't get triggered today, didn't even notice that little fun fact until he brought it up. The only annoying thing for me... so far today has been that all of a sudden, at age 34, I have allergies, never in my life have I had them, but today, I've been sneezing up a storm, my nose has been itchy and running, etc., out of the blue and it feels so freakin' miserable, took some antihistamines and they aren't working!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my new blouse looked.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Dr. Wayne Dyer - The 12 Keys to Unlock Abundance



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2019
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 488:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Daily Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about how peaceful the day was (overall) and some jitters about an upcoming event for me. Then we went to watch some tv, which gave me some time to apply some moisturizer on my tired old feet, I don't know what it is, maybe the stress or crazy weather, but the damage on my feet is insane, the skin I mean. Maybe it is the stress of this upcoming event because my neck and back have been in achy too, more than usual, apparently, stress is a key player in so many issues.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Believe In Yourself”, in this episode, Brendon Burchard talks with us about how to believe in yourself. Remember, trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.

    This morning, before my walk, as I sorted the laundry, I finished listening to Health Theory, "Jillian Teta on Intuitive Eating & Tweaking Your Diet For Longevity", Jillian is an author, a doctor of integrative medicine and the creator of Fix Your Digestion. In this episode, she talks about how to heal your digestive system, the truth about integrative medicine, and the importance of nutrition. There were a few parts that really stood out to me in this episode, like, the whole part about how your brain gets split in two (around 14:40), just like when you are triggered (aka in fight or flight mode) and that's when your gut gets set off too, so the quicker you ground yourself, the quicker your stomach settles. Then something that really intrigued me was around 19:20 she goes into "destressing your gut" (and self!) with practical solutions, and the very first one she mentions and says is most important, is taking walks, in nature!! which is exactly what I've been doing for my self-care. She said adding this to your routine, you'd see significant changes in so many things within a year -- and you know what? tried and tested, because I can say, yes, it's true. Then I went for my walk, Wade still could not, so he sat and read his book. During my walk, I listened to Allana Pratt on Women of Impact "This Intimacy Expert Will Change Your Relationships Forever", which based on the title I thought would be about one thing but it was about something totally different, unfortunately, I did not like her message, I'm not even sure why I forced (punished) myself to finish it -- she is way too loopy for my taste, but whatever floats your boat, lady. I get that she is all about self-love and all that jazz, but thanking your thighs for walking you places in order to love them, is a bit much for my taste, but maybe it is just me.

    Then we had a nice family afternoon, lunch and visited a small local petting zoo/playground. There were minor triggers here and there but I got over them rather quickly. I've been tired, stressed and my body has been really feeling it the last few days, I wish I had a huge jacuzzi, I'd love to just let my muscles roast and relax.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Found some inner peace, when I turned everything off and just walked and just listened to nature.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How to Believe in Yourself (More than Self-Esteem and Confidence)



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 489:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked some more about various topics, but mostly about how much pain we were both in, physically. How nervous I was and how pointless I found, something that I have to do on Monday. Then we went to watch some TV, my feet had been killing me like crazy, so I gave myself a foot rub and moisturized them while I was at it.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Boost Your Self Confidence And Self Esteem”, in this episode, YouTube's Brainy Dose go over how to boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. Remember, the best way to gain self-confidence is to make it your practice to do what you're afraid to do.

    This morning, started out pretty good, I got up, started working on a clients project and then when Wade got up, we listened to Relationship Theory "Can You Really Use Jealousy to Improve Your Relationship?" which was a really good episode, as usual. It opened up a lot of good conversations for us. But then, my parents stopped by, just as we were prepared to leave for my morning walk and Wade was going to take the little one to an indoor playground. That visit ended up costing us an extra 1.5hrs of our time and infuriating me. By the time we got to the mall, I didn't even want to listen to my usual informative, uplifting or inspirational stuff - I just needed to fire up some tunes and walk, walk, walk. There were a few triggers there, it was Sunday after all, Wade told me he had a few slips as well. However, my mind is elsewhere and fried - so I wasn't as bothered by it all, as I would have been. The walk and music really helped.

    In the afternoon and for a few hours after, my parents and I had a meeting, to prepare for tomorrow. It just finished and I am drained completely - holy shit. I just can't even, I have no words left. I want tomorrow to just be over with already. Now my back, neck and even ass hurt, ugh.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Used music, best grounding tool - ever.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How To Have More Self Confidence and Self Esteem



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2019
  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,670
    3,693
    143
    This made me literally laugh out loud.
     
    Jagliana and hope4healing like this.

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