DAY 484:
DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.
3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk & Talk.
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Last night, we again sat out on the balcony and continued the same conversation, as the last few days. Also, how content both of us are with the fact that we are able to speak to each other, so honestly. Then we dug a little deeper when I asked him - why did he decide to really start recovery this time, compared to all the others. We also vented about our day and I let out some of my frustrations, how I needed to take Advil towards the end of the day, sigh but also we reflected about some of the positives of the day. After that, we watched some TV and then went to bed. Unfortunately, I couldn't fall asleep, so at 2:45 am, I broke, I went and took some NyQuil... I needed to get some sleep.
Today on the
7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “
How to Simplify Your Life and Live Happier”, in this episode, Brainy Dose gives 10 easy tips on how to simplify your life and live happier. Remember, simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
This morning, we went to the mall for our walk and talk, on the way there and during our walk, we listened to Jay Shetty's podcast, the episode we heard was "
David Goggins: ON Dealing With Childhood Traumas". This one really led to a lot of pauses for discussions for us, because the topics hit close to home, even though we led completely different lives from Mr. Goggins. He starts off by making it clear, the only way you can go forward is to go all the way back...to the beginning - to your childhood because that’s where everything starts until you heal or face ALL of your past wounds, you are never really 'settled' because you will always be haunted by voices in your head, from your past. He then goes over things like, how real growth comes from testing the mind, overcoming a horrible foundation, "using the accountability mirror" which was an interesting concept, knowingly or unknowingly you're choosing to be stuck, how to begin difficult conversations with yourself, quit being kind and skirting around the issue(s) and stop surrounding yourself with people who coddle you. Then he goes even deeper and talks about finding the courage to change your situation, changing your relationship with "suffering and discomfort", how you only truly find yourself when you're not comfortable, how we all have a voice in our head - but the more we don't listen to it, the more we start to only hear ourselves, embracing discomfort etc., this description does not do it justice, you have to listen to it.
Then we spent some nice quiet, quality time at home, had lunch and then went to a doctors appointment for Wade. On the Way back we finished that Jay Shetty podcast, but also talked a bit more about his "type" and how he claims that I have been his type all along, I fit the criteria, but as soon as I was "his" (wife/we were married) and his addiction took on full control, he just lost sight of it. He says that even if he was married to whom I consider his "prime", he wouldn't have treated her any different, because that is just what his addiction did to him. I told him that, I just am not sure of that, I wholeheartedly believe that he might have still acted out, but not to this extent or he would have ogled similar women. Then I brought him a simple example if he were single right now and at a bar and two women approached him, one who looked like me, another who looked like one of his "primes"... both were coming onto him, which one would he pick to pursue further? if I were a betting gal, I would place my bets on the "prime type". He says "right now, I'm not so sure" but... come on, let's get real LOL. Then he tried to flip the question on me and who would I chose, someone who looked like him now, versus someone who I consider "my type" and I told him I'm actually not sure, which is honest for me, at this point in my life (with all of my past experience) who I pursue would be based on looks, plus how they attempt to flirt with me would play a huge role. So, I would listen for the "pick up" lines used, who was funny or just acting dumb, etc. I'm too old for the "he's hot, so it's okay that he is full of himself and a jackass" kind of thing. Men are usually more visual and go straight for who fits their "type" physically first, then they worry about the rest later. At the end of the day, the truth is this, I continued to see him as "my one and only" as he changed throughout the years, always staying loyal to him as my husband with
all my parts, including my eyes, so he was my "it". On the flip side, his eyes and other parts wandered everywhere, constantly, giving me absolutely zero security on where I stood as a woman in his eyes, from where I was standing I was all the way in the back of the line if I even made the cut-off. I spent years watching him, watch others nonstop, wondering why he was even with me anymore if he wanted something else so freaking bad, the more I changed, the uglier I felt because I noticed his ogling only getting worse, then I just began numbing out because I suspected that he found me absolutely repulsing and the only reason he was still with me was for convenience, because we had kids, etc. So, call me crazy, but, I have very little belief or "assurance" that he would choose me or someone who looks like me, if given another option, especially one that he really prefers, physically. I was never given any security to believe that I was ever his "preferred type" because as I aged and had babies, his acting out seemed to only get worse, so my conclusions? if I change, he needs something else. His conclusions? no matter what, I have always picked him. It's the sad, hard - truth. As I said, I want to believe him when he says everything has changed now, but how? I have no foundation on the ground when it comes to this particular issue with him, all I know is what I've lived for over a decade.
What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I was tired from lack of sleep, I pushed through the day.
#Motivational
How To Simplify Your Life
David Goggins on Impact Theory - How to Make Yourself Immune to Pain:
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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