Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 490:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Wade.
3) This event is over, at least for me.
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Last night, I was still nervous, tired, overwhelmed as hell. The whole day/evening was a huge headache, seemed like it was never ending between my parents and the meeting. Wade, in the pain that he was in himself, was such a supporter though. He kept our girls busy the whole time and then, after putting them to bed, he saw how drained I was and gave me such a relaxing back rub, then a foot rub while we watched TV... to boot! I am so grateful and appreciative for him, especially in the last few days, he really was there for me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Changing Your Mindset Will Change Your Life”, in this episode, Garrain Jones talks about how changing your mindset will change your life. Remember, if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

This morning, the day I've been dreading for a while finally came. Wade took my parents and me to the place where we needed to be, I was all nerves, but having him there really helped center me. While my parents did their part, I waited with him, until it was my turn. He had to take my mom home, I went into a one on one with whom I needed to speak to, later I saw that after I was done with everything, shortly after he left, he sent me some messages, but I didn't see them till I was finally done with everything that I had to do. He said because I didn't write back right away, he felt shame coming over him, assuming that I was upset at him for leaving me there, even though I told him he could go and I knew he had to go in order to pick up our kids, etc., I was totally fine and I explained it to him again when we spoke about it.

I can not wait to blow off some steam and nerves tonight..................... phew. It's finally over.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Liked how I looked in my business attire.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Change Your MINDSET, Change Your LIFE

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 491:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Spending Time with Wade, no matter what we're doing.
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Last night, Wade and I just decompressed from the day that just passed us by and boy, oh boy, what a day it was, we talked for a bit, then watched some TV, then I passed out and didn't even wake up 100 times, as I usually do lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live a Happy And Successful Life”, in this episode, we get advice from Matthew McConaughey on how to live a happy and successful life. Remember, life is simple. Just do more of what makes you happy.

This morning, I went with Wade to a few appointments he had for tests, MRI and x-rays, that pretty much took up the entire morning. I am still coming off of the stress my body endured from my nerves and stress forcing my muscles to clench yesterday, so I am just exhausted, but I was just happy to be with him. There were quite a few triggers around for me, he said he was okay though. We spoke about the book he is reading "The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships, and Live Their Fullest Lives" by Lewis Howes and how he finds himself in many of the masks mentioned in the book, well... how he was because a lot has changed. He has also found masks that I wear, it's a book for both men AND women. Then we did our weekly grocery run and now I am at home, readying myself to finish my client's project because I just want to relax!! although as soon as the kids are home... that ship will sail, until they go to bed LOL.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Wore jeans that I haven't worn in a long time, loved how they looked, just wished they had pockets.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Matthew McConaughey | 5 Minutes for the NEXT 50 Years of Your LIFE

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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I love that Marriage quote @Jagliana. Hope you are well. I had a break from nofap for a bit, needed it I think. Otherwise I seem to spend too much time here lol at the loss of getting other things done but it’s good to be back, I just have to regulate my time better here. Ive read through some of your latest posts but missed a heap as well. I hope everything’s on the up for you! The book Wade’s reading sounds interesting, might pass the title onto my H, he might get something out of it xx
 
HonestyMatters said:
I love that Marriage quote @Jagliana. Hope you are well. I had a break from nofap for a bit, needed it I think. Otherwise I seem to spend too much time here lol at the loss of getting other things done but it’s good to be back, I just have to regulate my time better here. Ive read through some of your latest posts but missed a heap as well. I hope everything’s on the up for you! The book Wade’s reading sounds interesting, might pass the title onto my H, he might get something out of it xx
Click to expand...

Thank you!

It has been a while, yes balance is needed but sometimes difficult to maintain when we get caught up in things lol.

I really recommend he read that book, as soon as Wade is done reading it, I will read it as well, I thought it was just for men, but it is really for everyone.

I have been doing all right, how about you?

:-)
 
DAY 492:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
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Last night, Wade let me defuse and rant a bit, I've had some pent up frustration about recent events. He has been helping me see some of the positives but I'm still bitter about some of the other stuff that occurred, not anything I had any control over. I have to say, I really appreciate having someone to talk to these days, where I can be completely blunt, honest, vulnerable and real - no matter what I say, I don't have to feel bad about it or judged. 492 days ago, if the exact same situation popped up, I would be bottling up my frustrations, faking a smile to him - plus, he would careless anyway - it would be lonely and miserable, but thankfully it's not like that anymore... we can turn to each other.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “3 Keystone Habits That Will Change Your Life”, in this episode, our friend Improvement Pill gives us the 3 keystone habits (Reading, Meditation and Fitness) that will change your life. Remember, get control of your habits and you'll have control of your life.

This morning, before the day really began, we finally finished listening to Relationship Theory's "Navigating A Collision of Values", which was a good mixture of information and again opened up some good discussions for Wade and I, over the multiple days we listened to it. Some of the topics included agreeing on rules of engagement, value systems, and social contracts between each other, solutions to feeling more connected, effectively communicating plans to your partner and why forgiveness needs to be a core value in your life. On the way to the mall and during our walk, we listened to The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes, episode "Who Is Lewis Howes?", we decided it was about time to get to know even more about the man we both enjoy listening to and Wade has been really into his book. This podcast was Lewis being interviewed by one of his good friends Mark Shapiro, a former marketing executive at Showtime Networks Inc., and now the host of The One & Only Podcast. It gives you a deeper glimpse into who Lewis is, what has shaped him, and where he was at in his life when this was recorded. The theme of this interview/conversation is authenticity and vulnerability. If you are a fan of his, it is definitely worth a listen.

Afterward, we had to run an errand at Costco, plenty of triggers there, I have to admit there were some really strong ones there, Wade was in a different part of the store for most of them and I was glad because if he was next to me, when those women where nearby, I am sure the trigger(s) would have been a whole lot worse. It was really bad for me there.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Was honest with Wade about needed to stop our talk, about what triggers, were where, because I knew it would only make things worse.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
3 Habits That Will Change Your Life

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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Jagliana said:
Thank you!

It has been a while, yes balance is needed but sometimes difficult to maintain when we get caught up in things lol.

I really recommend he read that book, as soon as Wade is done reading it, I will read it as well, I thought it was just for men, but it is really for everyone.

I have been doing all right, how about you?

:)
Click to expand...

Yes, I've been doing mostly well. We have had a shit last couple of weeks but considering we've had a few pretty good months, overall things have been better. He's been doing the Intimacy Anorexia work and has been doing pretty well with it. But because of all the work in that has really done less in the way of PA recovery work. He hasn't been getting on here as much either. Our connections been better but he has a long way to go in terms of his sharing his thoughts and feelings with me, but this is the whole idea of the IA work but it's slow and it still is related to his PA in terms he thinks his disconnection, introvertedness, and being so inside himself is a big part of why he turned to porn in the first place. It's all a constant juggle and I've just been trying to spend more time focused on me and my path....still really trying to work out what that is exactly :)
 
HonestyMatters said:
Yes, I've been doing mostly well. We have had a shit last couple of weeks but considering we've had a few pretty good months, overall things have been better. He's been doing the Intimacy Anorexia work and has been doing pretty well with it. But because of all the work in that has really done less in the way of PA recovery work. He hasn't been getting on here as much either. Our connections been better but he has a long way to go in terms of his sharing his thoughts and feelings with me, but this is the whole idea of the IA work but it's slow and it still is related to his PA in terms he thinks his disconnection, introvertedness, and being so inside himself is a big part of why he turned to porn in the first place. It's all a constant juggle and I've just been trying to spend more time focused on me and my path....still really trying to work out what that is exactly :)
Click to expand...

I'm glad that overall things have been better, there are always ups and downs in this life(style), seems never-ending. What does Intimacy Anorexia work consist of and how does it/why does it interfere with recovery work? I really think he should read some of those books that Wade has, they've helped a lot. Growing/building connection is vital, without it - everything is pointless, so if that is going in the right and positive direction, it is all worth it.

ALWAYS, always, always focus on you! above all else! <3
 
DAY 493:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Walk and Talk.
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Last night, we sat out on the balcony, the weather was perfect. We talked for some time... actually a long time, then we went inside to watch some tv and went to bed shortly after.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Life Advice From 25 Great Female Leaders”, in this episode, we get life advice from some of the greatest female leaders on the planet. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

This morning, before we left to drop the kids and my dad off, we listened to Relationship Theory's "Projecting Confidence & Keeping Your Word", where they go over how to develop the confidence to attract the man/woman of your dreams, ways to engage with your significant other when you have differing hobbies (especially ones you don't enjoy), why actions really do speak louder than words in a relationship and how Tom and Lisa navigate touchy subjects when discussing their relationship live on Facebook and Youtube. Then, I went for my walk, Wade had to sit this one out because he was in pain. During my walk, I listened to Michael Ruscio on Health Theory "Your Diet Is Fine, Your Lifestyle Sucks", which was a very informative and interesting video, I actually recommend everyone gives it a watch, even though it has nothing to do with recovery. Dr. Michael Ruscio, is a doctor and bestselling author of Healthy Gut Healthy You, he discusses gut health, finding purpose, and why stress may be the real root of your health problems.

Later in the day, I had to help my mom with something, then Wade and I had to go pick up his MRI results. We spoke a bit during the car ride home, about stuff that was on his mind during my walk, as he sat there fishing and women were passing by, he was trying to pinpoint his thoughts and feelings about them versus me.

Tonight we are going to see The Dark Phoenix movie, so this post is going to be short, hopefully, it won't bomb completely. More tomorrow!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my shorts fit today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Relationships
Esther Perel with Chris Cuomo: The State of Affairs — Rethinking Infidelity

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 494:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) It is finally over.
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Last night, we spoke a little out on the balcony, various topics, we were still marinating about how much FOX ruined my franchise, X-Men, especially my favorite character, Phoenix. The movie "The Dark Phoenix" sucked, brutally, damn. Anyway, after that we watched some TV, my feet were aching again, so I decided to self-soothe and gave myself a foot rub.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Developing And Maintaining a Growth Mindset”, in this episode, Isaiah Hankel talks to us about the importance of developing and maintaining a growth mindset. Remember, whatever makes you uncomfortable is your biggest opportunity for growth.

This morning, Wade went with our little one on a trip and I went with my dad to the last day of ... the 'thing' that we've been doing for the last two weeks, that has been like a thorn in my side. It's been a drain and today, it is finally over, not the way we wanted it to end, but that's it, time to move on, finally.

I am tired, in pain from sitting in certain positions so long, breaking in new (but cute) boots didn't help my feet much... and I slept badly, so I am just exhausted overall. I can not wait to let my mind get a break tomorrow with a morning walk.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Really liked how my bun came out today.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
How To Get A Growth Mindset

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 495:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, I told him I've been feeling disconnected. He agreed with me, but also added what a relief it was that we are at a place in our relationship where either of us can come to each other about it and the other can listen without judgment or getting offended/hurt, instead try and find a solution. Then he gave me a mind-blowing back rub, it really did provide me with such relief. Afterward, we watched some TV before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How We Create Our Own Reality Through The Power Of Our Thoughts”, in this episode, we get help understanding how we create our own reality through the power of our thoughts. Remember, you are the only problem you will ever have, and you are the only solution.

This morning, while Wade fished, I walked and listened to two YouTube videos, one short and one long, both by Esther Perel, who is a Psychotherapist (and couples therapist) who is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love, what is infidelity, what is betrayal, can you come out of it as a couple and how to have a fulfilling sex life. The videos were "This is how you stop your partner from cheating" and "Modern Love and Relationships" - both were quite informative and open your mind to some new perspectives, well some minds I guess. Then I just turned everything off and listened to nature as I walked. There were minor triggers here and there, nothing major.

Then we went to the playground with our little one, while the older one had a fun day with her friends. We actually had a good time connecting there, it was nice and peaceful.

In the evening we had to attend a birthday party for our little one's school friends, it started out okay, then one of the employees at the party place has that body type that Wade enjoys, oh so very much, prompting me to get triggered, sigh and to make matters worse, she was like a freaking eyesore, prancing around me/us nonstop - the whole time. Oh well, can't have everything go smoothly, anyway I still made the best of it, I held it together and kept my composure as best as I could.

After such a long, exhausting and busy day, my body feels like a truck went right over it lol

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: A trigger kept lingering in front of me, but I kept my cool and kept myself distracted as best as I could.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Your Reality Is Created From Thoughts And Beliefs!

#Relationships
Esther Perel - This is how you stop your partner from cheating

Esther Perel at SXSW 2018 - Modern Love and Relationships

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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@Jagliana, I did not read in full all 63 pages of your journal; I skimmed through a few, but most importantly I read fully your first journal page.

I don't know where you found the strength and the power to put up with the pain, it's impressive. Addiction to pornography led to the ending of few of my long-term relationships, including my marriage. I guess it was easier for my wife to leave me, because we didn't have kids. In childhood, my parents had a fall-out (I'm unaware of the details) but stuck together for me and my brother, and it led to the home being deprived of true love and affection - and kids do notice these things. I grew up with emotional neglect and abuse, and this showed up in my life later on in so many ways. First and foremost, it sounds silly, I took comfort in PMO, because it soothed my emotional pain from abuse and neglect, I was using it as an escape from reality. In addition, I had very little control over my life as a child and young adult, my father was exceptionally unpredictable and unreliable, so I used PMO, smoking, drinking and a lot of neuroses to soothe the anxiety and pain and attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable. Because of it, I'm a 10 year old emotional person in the body of a 37 year old man and it doesn't feel good at all.

Where do I want to go with this? Quitting PMO is not about will power and trusting that your husband won't relapse, or believing that your husband doesn't respect you, or that he should keep his promise. PMO is an addiction and it is used to soothe past emotional pain that was not resolved, very likely from a long long time ago; it's the same with smoking, alcohol and compulsive behaviours, you don't will yourself out of neuroses or smoking. As long as he doesn't find the strength and energy to deal with that emotional, crippling pain that he's trying to soothe, the behaviour WILL come back; it's not about him not finding you attractive, rather it's about him having to deal with emotional pain and we all are made to run away from pain. I would go to the belief that he carries this pain since long before you two got married.

I made an entry in the Loneliness forum that points out how to deal with emotional pain and, in general, with emotional difficulties, and I recommend it to your husband:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...g-with-negative-emotions.235876/#post-2093493

A bit over a month ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and burnout and then I had a mental breakdown. I managed to get a month off work, started to read a lot about emotions and had tens of hours of therapy to understand what the hell happened. This is how I came with the understanding in the above mentioned post.

I also would like to recommend a book called "Running on empty" that, I think, makes it clear how early childhood neglect impacts us in our adulthood, how it cripples us emotionally.

Cheers!
 
DAY 496:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we sat out on the balcony and spoke about his anticipation and anxiety about the following day, because we would be celebrating his mom's birthday at our place and the last time everyone (his whole family) gathered here, it was a huge situational trigger for him. Last time, he ended up being so overwhelmed that he eventually broke down emotionally later that evening and we sat there together to figure out why, this time, I told him if he feels overwhelmed to just grab my hand to ground himself and to remind himself that he is not in this alone. If anyone knows a thing or two about getting through these family events with a smile on their face while feeling pain and sorrow inside, it's me, so I can truly hold his space on this front, I coined the whole "fake it, till ya make it" thing for years.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Get What You Want In Life”, in this episode, Tony Robbins tells us that life will deliver to you whatever you're bold enough to request of it. Remember, you can have anything you want if you're willing to give up the belief that you can't have it.

This morning, we went for our walk and talk, Wade was able to do one round with me, so we began listening to Relationship Theory's "You Have Nothing Without Trust", which was nice, it's been a while since he could walk with me. This episode was good, ironically one of the questions they got was how to deal with situations where you have to be around family or friends that you disagree with, Tom says just be cordial and change the topic, you will never convince anyone that you are right or your values, methods or practices are the right way or better anyway, so why bother. They go through more questions, all of which were great, the first one was funny too, where Lisa says that she trusts Tom so much (because he has earned it through his actions over the years) that if she walked in on him and there was a naked woman standing in the room, but Tom said nothing is going on, he was just sleeping and has no idea who she is - she would believe him, because he has never given her a reason not to... Wade paused the video and both of us, at the same time said "BULLSHIT!" haha, anyhow. Then Wade did not want to strain his injuries further, so he went to sit down and read his book. I did another round by myself and finished an Impact Theory episode that I started on one of my other walks "This Is Terrifying: The True Cause of Heart Disease", where Tom interviews Dr. Jack Wolfson, a board-certified cardiologist and the founder Wolfson Cardiology where he uses in-depth testing and targeted nutrition to prevent and treat cardiovascular disease. In this episode, he talks about what everybody should be doing in terms of lifestyle to live a long and healthy life, what you should keep in your fridge and pantry if you want to be healthier, how people develop inflammation in the heart, why fruit isn’t healthy, daily routines, should you be fasting? and where heavy metals are contaminating your life and how to mitigate your exposure to them.

In the afternoon the whole family arrived and to be honest, it was all like a big, noisy, drunken blur. From the start, I could tell Wade was uncomfortable to be around them, how? well, various reasons, he has a few tells - he was moving around a lot (keeping busy), he was talking fast, and also drinking quite a bit, which broke a promise that he had made to me quite some time ago, that whenever his brother was at a social gathering, he would not have more than one or two drinks, if any at all, because he knew it would make me uncomfortable/nervous of a potential issue coming up, then a fight starting up. Anyway, I put my frustration about that aside (in my mind) and concentrated on being there for him. I sat next to him, engaged in conversations with him and we held hands/touched quite a bit. Aside from the internal struggles, overall the gathering went all right, everyone was joking around, a lot of small talk, not much in the way of arguments. There were some "WTF" moments, for example, like when his brother paid me some compliments (a bit much, given our history, but whatever) at the expense of his own 'wife' (he put her down) and I was floored, that showed me how unconnected they were and made me feel bad for her, I tried to make her feel better but I know nothing really helps when your partner makes you feel like crap. Thankfully Wade never ever did anything like that to me, he did ogle everyone, but he never verbally made me feel like shit in front of family. Once everyone was out the door, I was thrilled... as I am sure Wade was as well. Afterward, he kept telling me how grateful and thankful he was that I was there for him and that now he finally understands why I've been thanking him for things that he feels I shouldn't be thanking him for (like going with me to the doctors or sleeping less to go with my dad somewhere, just so I don't have to), because sometimes just being there for someone, showing them that they can count on you, when you feel helpless, lost or alone... is an ultimate kind of connection or bond that you can have, well, at least in my opinion. I also don't think he needs to thank me for being there for him today, but I understand completely why he feels like doing so because I've felt that way so many times in the last year. It has been unbelievably comforting knowing you finally have one person, in this whole wide world, that truly knows you - the unfiltered, unmasked, real you. The one person who knows exactly where your head is at, who understands what you are going through and can empathize and hold space without judgment. We've never had that person, I've only counted on myself for years and it was a sad and bitter existence, he never had anyone but his PA to numb out with... now though, we have each other and it has made a world of difference - for the both of us.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Even though I was not happy that Wade broke his promise/boundary to me, 'no drinking more than 1/2 drinks when his brother is around', I still decided to put my frustration aside and be there for him.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
Life Will Pay Any Price You Ask Of It!

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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properWood said:
@Jagliana, I did not read in full all 63 pages of your journal; I skimmed through a few, but most importantly I read fully your first journal page.

I don't know where you found the strength and the power to put up with the pain, it's impressive. Addiction to pornography led to the ending of few of my long-term relationships, including my marriage. I guess it was easier for my wife to leave me, because we didn't have kids. In childhood, my parents had a fall-out (I'm unaware of the details) but stuck together for me and my brother, and it led to the home being deprived of true love and affection - and kids do notice these things. I grew up with emotional neglect and abuse, and this showed up in my life later on in so many ways. First and foremost, it sounds silly, I took comfort in PMO, because it soothed my emotional pain from abuse and neglect, I was using it as an escape from reality. In addition, I had very little control over my life as a child and young adult, my father was exceptionally unpredictable and unreliable, so I used PMO, smoking, drinking and a lot of neuroses to soothe the anxiety and pain and attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable. Because of it, I'm a 10 year old emotional person in the body of a 37 year old man and it doesn't feel good at all.

Where do I want to go with this? Quitting PMO is not about will power and trusting that your husband won't relapse, or believing that your husband doesn't respect you, or that he should keep his promise. PMO is an addiction and it is used to soothe past emotional pain that was not resolved, very likely from a long long time ago; it's the same with smoking, alcohol and compulsive behaviours, you don't will yourself out of neuroses or smoking. As long as he doesn't find the strength and energy to deal with that emotional, crippling pain that he's trying to soothe, the behaviour WILL come back; it's not about him not finding you attractive, rather it's about him having to deal with emotional pain and we all are made to run away from pain. I would go to the belief that he carries this pain since long before you two got married.

I made an entry in the Loneliness forum that points out how to deal with emotional pain and, in general, with emotional difficulties, and I recommend it to your husband:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...g-with-negative-emotions.235876/#post-2093493

A bit over a month ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and burnout and then I had a mental breakdown. I managed to get a month off work, started to read a lot about emotions and had tens of hours of therapy to understand what the hell happened. This is how I came with the understanding in the above mentioned post.

I also would like to recommend a book called "Running on empty" that, I think, makes it clear how early childhood neglect impacts us in our adulthood, how it cripples us emotionally.

Cheers!
Click to expand...

Thank you for your wonderful response, I checked out your thread, it was a good read - I will tell my husband to check it out too, you should shoot him a message, he's on here @Wade W. Wilson. I agree you can not will yourself out of PA, you must go after the root of the problem and figure out what emotional issues/triggers you have and what led to this addiction in the first place. Wade and I have been working through it all, it has not been easy but we are trying. Self-care and reconnecting by talking to each other (deep/vulnerable talks) has really propelled his recovery and mine.

I will definitely check out that book and tell him about it, thank you.
 
DAY 497:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) The morning drive.
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Last night, we both reflected on the afternoon/evening with his family, how much different this time went, from the last gathering. What a difference being prepared for a situational trigger was, compared to going in and being blindsided and then overwhelmed and confused with a rush of feelings afterward. He thanked me again for being there for him and of course, I was glad I could be there for him, I know what it is like, of course, it was much easier when you numb those situations out, but both of us agree - the way we do it now, together, even though we are fully aware, is better (and healthier).

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Create The Habit Of Developing Self Discipline”, in this episode, we get some very helpful tips on creating the habit of developing self-discipline. Remember, discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.

This morning, I went with him to pick up a brace for his back, I asked him last night to be honest with me - did he want me to go with him or he didn't care, he said he preferred I went, so I did. On the way there we finished listening to Relationship Theory's "You Have Nothing Without Trust", breaking in between and talked about various points, I spoke about the main points of this video of my previous post. Then we had to do our weekly grocery run, there we ran into some bumps, triggers were coming out of the woodwork, left and right, I was doing a lot of mental gymnastics and it was neither fun nor easy, to be honest, I hated it - the thoughts rushing through my head were rough.

Later in the evening, we got some good news - Wade was going to be home another week! and an old friend, who moved - was in the area and stopped by, it was nice, Wade fired up the grill and made some yummy burgers, so we ate, caught up and just relaxed. I needed it after the day I've had because my dad talked my ears off for 2 straight hours, plus the morning surplus of triggers and nasty/intrusive thoughts.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: The ease I felt, catching up with an old friend, didn't need to be fake.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
This Is Terrifying: The True Cause of Heart Disease

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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DAY 498:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we both agreed that it's fantastic that we get another week together. Then we talked about various stuff, including my triggers from earlier in the day. Then we watched some TV, my feet were aching so, I self soothed with aloe, I hope it helps but I'm not sure anymore.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Daily Habits To Improve Life: 10 Habits That Happy People Share”, in this episode, we hear the top 10 habits that happy people share. What are they? 1. Be Optimistic, 2. Focus on what you can control, 3. Practice Self-Acceptance, 4. Be kind to others, 5. Pursue Meaningful Goals, 6. Let go of Grudges, 7. Stay Socially Connected, 8. Spend Money on Experiences, 9. Limit News Consumption and 10. Make Health a Priority. Remember, being miserable is a habit. Being happy is a habit. The choice is yours.

This morning, on the way to the mall we began listening to "Todrick Hall from Broadway to MTV" on Lewis Howes The School of Greatness, but we only got a few minutes in, so I won't dive into it now. During our walk, we listened to "Don't Let Social Media Kill Your Relationship" which was much more than just about social media, but about relationships as a whole, connection and making sure your world views/values are in harmony, before you decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Wade said that he spent so many years lying and being ashamed when asked how many women he had been with, I was his first and only, but that's not what he has been telling "the guys" who have brought those questions up, he was ashamed to admit that. However, now he says that has changed. I've never had an issue with that, then again the stigma is different for men than it is for women I guess. It was a good video and brought up a lot of discussions for us. Then Wade caught a guy ogling me and didn't like it very much because he looked at him and apparently that did not dissuade him, I told him that's a normal thing, nothing to get crazy about, it's not worth the frustration, I'm used to it.

Later in the day, he triggered me with some familiar (old) behavior patterns popping up, which was weird. Then I had to work and he made a delicious dinner for the family.

I'm still feeling the effects of my various triggers, plus the new one and my back is not doing so hot because of sitting so many hours and working... so yeah, it's been fun, sigh.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: Got more work done than I anticipated.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
How To Be Happy - The Top 10 Habits of Happy People

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tumblr_oj46y28HFR1uoxr28o1_400.jpg

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
DAY 499:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, while I worked I watched Health Theory's "This Is The Root of All Chronic Disease" where Tom interview's Naveen Jain, a billionaire entrepreneur and CEO of Viome, where they discuss the microbiome, and why all chronic disease starts in the gut, and how Viome can help you fix it. They go over a lot of interesting topics and in just under an hour, I feel like I've learned so much new information, stuff like what is the microbiome, why there’s no such thing as a “healthy food”, what are the microbes actually doing, how we’re only 1% human, the effectiveness of your cancer treatment depends on your microbiome, why addressing inflammation can get rid of chronic disease, how stress impacts your microbiome, why inflammation manifests differently in different people, how symptoms and organisms both transfer with fecal transplants, how to repair your microbiome over time, why fad diets harm your microbiome, how dietary recommendations caused gut problems in the first place, do food sensitivities go away when you heal your gut? and what you can learn from a stool sample - all fascinating stuff. Then Wade and I sat out on the balcony and talked a bit about my triggers and the thoughts he had, as he was writing his journal post last night, about some of the previous comments I had made to him, about how life would be easier for him without dealing with my triggers. He also gave me a total full body massage which was so awesome, especially after working all day at my desk, I appreciated it so much, he knew how bad my back was doing.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Letting Go Of The Past To Enjoy The Benefits Of Forgiveness”, in this episode, we get advice on letting go of the past in order to enjoy the benefits of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.

This morning, we listened to Relationship Theory's episode "How to Not Feel Like An Idiot When You Messed Up", which we didn't finish but got through a good chunk of it. It was a really good episode, this one should have been call trust and boundaries, but anyway, I digress. It led us into many conversations and to remember some of our own personal examples of where I had to decide on whether to give him the benefit of doubt or play detective instead. There is so much more I can write about this episode and how many various conversations it sparked for us, but I have to finish a work project. I highly recommend all couples watch this one, together and see where it leads you.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: No triggers today, at least none that I can recall.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Motivational
This Is The Root of All Chronic Disease

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
---------------------------------------------------
 
Last edited:
DAY 500:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Wade has reached the big 5-0-0 milestone.
---------------------------------------------------

I'd like to start out by saying how very proud I am of Wade for reaching 500 days PM free, I told him this morning how unreal it seems, I can not believe we are here and neither can he, but here we are anyway lol and THANK GOODNESS. <3

Last night, he gave me a really nice back rub as we finished listening to Relationship Theory's episode "How to Not Feel Like An Idiot When You Messed Up" and the ending is where all of the magic happens! they really get into the nitty-gritty of why relationships require "work" and why "work" is a good thing and shouldn't be looked at as a chore, it should be the kind of work you want to do, something you look forward to and get excited for, growing and progressing together. The work they are referring to means consistency, connection, communication, honesty and spending time together, etc and none of that should feel like a drag, if it does then you are not with the right person. They also mention how it is the small things that count and they are right on the money with that, for me, it is what I value most. These days, Wade and I can really understand what they mean by "work" and couldn't agree more, we actually enjoy working on our relationship, spending time together doing anything and everything, including sitting next to each other in silence, as he reads and I play phones games or read myself.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Tips And Advice On Getting Through Difficult Times”, in this episode, we get some advice on getting through difficult times. Remember, you'll reach a new level of freedom when you realize that someone else's opinion of you is none of your business.

This morning, we listened to more of "Todrick Hall from Broadway to MTV" on Lewis Howes The School of Greatness, on the way to the mall, then for one round we began listening to Relationship Theory's "Stop Yourself From Acting Crazy", which is going to focus on ways you can communicate effectively with your significant other. However we had to stop before we really began because his hip began hurting and he needed to rest, so I continued the walk on my own and just listened to music.

This evening we are going to go celebrate his 500th day at dinner, I'll be crossing my fingers for no triggers and hoping for smooth sailing for the rest of the night...

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
:emoji_two_hearts: How genuinely excited and proud I am of Wade and his achievement/milestone.:emoji_ok_hand:

#Relationships
How to Not Feel Like An Idiot When You Messed Up

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@Wade W. Wilson
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 |
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