Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 554: 8/06/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Finishing my Work.
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Last night, everything seemed okay, Wade appeared to be excited to tell me something, so I sat there and listened. He began describing how when he took our little one downstairs to head to the playground, when he was coming out of the elevator he glanced to the side because he saw someone walking towards the elevator. There was a woman there in neon orange sports bra and yoga capris, he explained it this way "Yeah, she was hot! but then I thought to myself, I would have definitely ogled before, but this time I didn't get any butterflies or urges to go for a second look, all I thought was how much I want you!". First of all, he obviously did not hear himself, how he was verbalizing this to me, in a manner of weird excitement. Yes, I'm happy he wanted to be honest with me and share his rationalization/breakdown with me, but the way in which he did it - the tone, choice of words and ways he described it... it really triggered me. The minute he described her 'look', I recalled this woman and that outfit instantly, because she triggered me before and I remembered him asking me about her that time and him telling me that she did not phase him. However, while we were talking I didn't remember our previous exchange word for word, but I did remember one this clearly - that she didn't phase him. This time though, he described her as 'hot', he said that word, three times. Usually, when he talks about something like this, he says 'someone I noticed was attractive' or 'someone I would have ogled in the past', in tonight case he used 'hot' to describe her multiple times, which to me means he perked up (objectified her) when he "glanced" at her, enough to think to himself and then repeat to me "she's hot!". When I reminded him of the previous incident, he said he remembers me getting triggered but doesn't remember telling me that he didn't notice anything special about her in particular. He said he doesn't think he would have said that because she is definitely a 'prime type' and someone he would have definitely ogled and gone out of his way to ogle before. It often happens, when I get triggered and say something, he'll tell me something like "oh, I didn't notice who you mean" "oh, her? I didn't think she would trigger you?" and that last time, with this same woman, he did the same thing, at that time, I had no reason to question it, if he said barely noticed her', as skeptical as I am about, who am I to question it, right? well, low and behold, I went and found the post where I first mentioned this trigger and here is what he told me, back then, about this same woman: "... until we got back to the building and then a 'threat' popped up, out of nowhere. She was wearing a neon orange sports bra and yoga capris, skin tight. Wade claims he barely noticed and from what he did see, he didn't think she would be someone I'd consider a "prime" or trigger me. I doubt he didn't notice, she could have been a freaking traffic cone in those colors. Anyhow, he said that these days, sometimes he wonders why he ogled, some of the women he ogled because right now they are just not appealing to him. I told him, I WISH I KNEW MYSELF, bro, could have saved me a shit ton of heartache." (original post here) SO, what's the difference between last month's glance and this month's glance? last month he "barely noticed or found her appealing" when we bumped into her, he didn't even think I would have considered her a prime... to yesterday, where he saw her and now says she is definitely one of his prime type's, would have for sure gone out of his way to ogle before and found her hot!... well, it is one of three things: last month I was in the elevator with him so I guess he was controlling himself as hard as he could to look anywhere but at her OR he was just flat out gaslighting or lying to me, or he continues to lie to himself, I don't know what to believe anymore. What makes matters worse is, while we are having this conversation on the balcony, I look down and there she is, like a fucking traffic cone, parking her car and walking out. I could see her perfect body, and can also understand why he finds her so hot and then I'm left wondering why he continues to bullshit me with his sweet nothings about how he finds me hot, I don't even want to hear that term come out of his mouth anymore. He excitedly shouts he notices she's hot! 'but don't worry, I thought about it and still want you' -- gee, thanks, buddy! how sweet of you! ugh... and then thinks he can go ahead and describe to me, how my fat ass body is 'hot and appealing' to him? after describing her body as hot LMAO, like GTFO with that bullshit, I don't believe it nor want to hear any more lies. Then he goes on and on about how "but you know there are people out there who are more beautiful, hotter and sexier than you and I!, but what matters most is that I still want you over them!" yes, I know, you've repeated this point millions of times in the last few months; tirelessly I might add, I'm not that dense, I get it and you've made sure that it has been engraved into my brain, how you find so many other people more beautiful, hotter and sexier than me, for over a decade, so it's not necessary to constantly remind me of those facts. I am well aware that there are more attractive people out there, but the point is, not to make your partner, the person you love - FEEL that they aren't the most attractive person in the room, to you, no matter who is around, get it? kind of how you've had it with me, our entire relationship, without me, ever having to bring up or remind you "hey, just so you are aware, there are way hotter guys out there than you, just in case you forgot, but don't worry, because see, I'm still choosing you! happy?!". Like, how can I ever get that sort of security with someone who constantly feels the need to remind me that "you and I both know there are way hotter people than you or I out there!", stating the obvious isn't needed, well, when you're doing your part in making your partner FEEL that it just doesn't matter, you know by, oh I don't know, maybe not describing your neighbor as hot! 'but after thinking about it, I still realized I want you' ** epic eye roll **

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Find Yourself”, in this episode, Rushion McDonald gives some great tips on how to find yourself. 1. Accept yourself above all else, resolve to make peace with who you are so that you can start showing up for the world. 2. Perfect is not real, nothing’s perfect, nobody is, flawless doesn’t exist and it’s not even attractive. Someone trying to be perfect is hard to get close to because it’s not realistic. So, just relax. Everything we consider a flaw about ourselves someone else might find endearing. 3. Accept everything, stop judging! drop the expectations of what you want, how you think someone should behave, and the order things need to happen in. 4. Be selfish, find the balance between 50% selflessness, and 50% selfishness. 5. Use everyone else as a mirror, if you allow yourself to recognize in other people that which exists within you, you will become aware of how and where to shift. 6. Connect to your core, your core is your stabilizer; physically, emotionally, and mentally. When you feel off in a workout, or in your day, or notice a negative thought or insecurity arise, engage your belly. Draw your stomach in, and uphold it, then take some deep breathes and you will immediately center yourself in a powerful way. It’s a very simple, life-changing tool. Remember, life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself.

This morning, as much as I did not feel like doing anything this morning, not even walk, I forced myself to go out and do it anyway. During my walk, I kept thinking about what Wade said about neon chick last time versus what he said about her this time. Those thoughts were rotating and running rampant for the entirety of my walk, I couldn't focus on any podcast, video or anything, so I just put on some lite music to see if that would tune out the noise in my head, but it did not. Like, how could he give me two very different 'reactions' to the very same woman, in the very same outfit? which of them is true? what is the one variant that helps change his tune? me being there, in his way, like a sore thumb. The insane part is, this revelation is no different than finding out he's been 'slipping' a whole lot more than he led me to believe, back during the issue came up with Coby. When he is left to his own devices - it's one story when I'm around, it's another story, so what the hell does he expect me to believe? when he can't even keep his own story straight, it's that faulty memory I bet!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Unmotivated to walk, still made myself do it.

#Motivational
How To Find Yourself | Rushion McDonald Wise Life Advice


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
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DAY 555: 8/07/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we discussed everything I spoke about in my journal post yesterday, verbatim. How his words made me feel, how they hurt, how they made me feel and perceive how he truly sees me, even if he claims otherwise. It was a very difficult, uncomfortable and non-pleasant discussion but it had to happen. He told me that he felt I was being cold all day (and I was because I felt like crap

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Immediately Change Your Life For The Better”, in this episode, several speakers give great advice on how to immediately change your life for the better by providing some little habits that can change your life. The tips? 1. Develop positive thinking, it’s the keystone habit that will help you form the other important habits, 2. Focus on one goal, just as focusing on one task at a time is more effective, and focusing on one habit at a time is more efficient, so is focusing on one goal at a time, 3. Eliminate the non-essential, first, identify the essential things in your life that are most important to you, that you love the most. Then eliminate everything else. This simplifies things and leaves you with the space to focus on the essential, 4. Kindness, yes, kindness is a habit and it can be cultivated. If you focus on it every day for a month and you’ll see profound changes in your life and 5. Daily routine, creating a daily routine for yourself can make a big difference in your life. Remember, welcome all experiences. You never know which one is going to turn everything on.

This morning, we began listening to "How to Find the Courage to Open Up, Share Your Truth and Live Free" an interview with Robbie Rogers, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Robbie is the first male professional athlete to openly come out as a gay man and keep playing in his sport, which was difficult and cuts right into the heart of "unmasking" the "stoic" mask Lewis talks about in his book, Masks of Masculinity. How our perception of what a man is supposed to be, do, act as, etc., should only be one way, so when he feels differently, shame takes over and he tries to hide it (emotionally draining himself) until he no longer can.

Overall, my mood was a bit better today after getting everything that I felt and had to say out. However, my thoughts/feelings on what I believe he finds [more] attractive (purely) vs mixed with connection, that just got confirmed even more with everything he said HIMSELF, through his own words both two nights ago and when our friends were over. Which works strongly against what he has been trying to convince me of, when he has had some time to think of what he wants to say and not 'off the cuff' like those few times.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was in a better mood today, after getting everything out last night.

#Motivational
WHAT'S YOUR WHY


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
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DAY 556: 8/08/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about the same subject as the last few days, then decided to give it a rest - since we both have different perspectives on the topic. We went to watch some TV, while he gave a soothing foot rub and then a mind-blowing back rub... I fell asleep right away afterward and he left for work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Be Focused In Life”, in this episode, Jim Rohn talks with us about how to be focused in life, and why it's so important. He tells us six ways to focus on what's important in your life. 1. Determine what things you value the most about your life, 2. Decide what commitments are most important to you, 3. Assess the way you use your time, 4. Get rid of clutter in every area of your life, 5. Spend more time with the people that matter to you, and 6. Make time to be alone. Remember, let all communication systems serve you but don't let them intrude.

This morning, I walked alone, I listened to "How This Clinical Nutritionist Changes Lives with Hunger" an interview with Mike Mutzel, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. High-Intensity Health’s Mike Mutzel is at the forefront of functional medicine. His top-rated podcasts have helped thousands of people with fitness, nutrition, and general health advice. On this episode, Mike delves deeply into fasting, microbiome diversity, the keto diet, and the carnivore diet. And on top of all that, he connects the dots between healthy eating and a positive mindset and shows how to maximize both longevity and feeling good.

Wade also called me in the morning from one of his doctor's appointments to tell me about his shame and how he confronted it, I was proud of him for turning the tables on his doctor.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was in a much better mood, was motivated to walk today.

#Motivational
Jim Rohn - FOCUS ON ONE THING


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 557: 8/09/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we spoke briefly about his brother's family and their extravagant expenditure for our upcoming cruise, I know it's not right to judge other people and what they do with their money, but man oh man. I feel bad for the credit card company that they are not intending on paying back afterward. Then we began watching John Wick, I like it so far, but we didn't get too far in, I began passing out, exhaustion came over me. He did give me a double whammy again, a wonderful foot and back rub and I fell right asleep after that.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Secrets To Success”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe and John Maxwell share with us their secrets to success. 1. Get and stay out of your comfort zone, 2. Never give up, 3. When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think, 4. With regard to whatever worries you, not only accept the worst thing that could happen but make it a point to quantify what the worst thing could be., 5. Focus on what you want to have happened, 6. Take things a day at a time and 7. Always be moving forward, never stop investing, never stop improving, never stop doing something new. Make it your goal to be better each and every day, in some small way. Remember the Japanese concept of Kaizen. Small daily improvements eventually result in huge advantages. Remember, the greatest tragedy in life is not death, the greatest tragedy in life is living without a purpose.

This morning, I walked alone again, it still feels so odd, anyway I listened to "If You Can’t Change Your Emotions Do This Instead" an interview with Hal Elrod, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Hal is an author, speaker, and entrepreneur. After literally dying in a car crash, Hal woke up in a hospital bed and was told by his doctors that he would never walk again. Thanks to intense visualization and affirmations and perhaps some grace, Hal took his first step 3 weeks later. He talks about the key personality traits of successful people and how to overcome any trials and tribulations you face in life.

Wade is still at work, I hope he gets home early enough for us to get to spend some time together at the pool or in general. I would hate to blow the whole day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Getting inspired to up my self-care game, because I feel like I'm not where I want to be at this time.

#Motivational
Successful Habits - Dr. Myles Munroe & John Maxwell


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 558: 8/10/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we talked about our day(s) and suddenly, out of nowhere my dumb body did something that was out of my control, TMI. I was mortified... he kept saying "I don't care" "it's no big deal" but to me, it was like the world came crashing down on me. I felt swallowed up by shame and embarrassment. I didn't want to be around him, I felt like less of a woman and if it weren't for the fact that I was so tired, I would have probably completely shut down and just sat in my shame, full throttle. He still wanted to give me a back rub, as he had been the last few nights and then wanted to cuddle for a few minutes on top of that, but all I kept thinking throughout is how disgusting I am, how disgusting he must find me at this very moment and how this is now an added bonus on top of all the other disgusting crap he has to consider when thinking about me versus all those "hot" women he enjoys ogling. Anyhow, as I mentioned I was so so exhausted, I was dozing off and passed out rather quickly.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Helpful Tips On How To Deal With Toxic People”, in this episode, we get some very helpful tips on how to deal with toxic people. 11 tips for letting go of a toxic friendship, 1. Realize it's OK to go your separate ways, 2. Focus on your healthy relationships, 3. Don't stew in your bitterness, 4. Don't wait for an apology, 5. Gather the help of other friends, 6. Let yourself move on, 7. Allow yourself to be sad, 8. Have less and less contact, 9. Keep your last convo brief, 10. Consider writing them a letter, and 11. Reflect on what you learned. Remember, stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.

This morning, I walked alone, he hurt his foot in the pool yesterday but planned to still take me and just read while I walked because we've been so out of routine these last few days. Luckily for me, after last night, he decided he would just go straight to bed instead and I just drove myself. I was so relieved about that, I didn't really want to be around him after last night. I feel like less of a woman, less of myself and I don't even want to imagine what he's been thinking, especially when all those beautiful women at work, non-disgusting ones, have been passing by all night. I just wanted to be alone, where no one could remind me of just how less of a woman, that he wants, I am. During the walk, I listened to some more of my Brené Brown book "Rising Strong". Some notable takeaway's: "If your story is full of question marks, places where you have scribbled 'huh?' or 'what just happened?' or 'was that too much to ask?'... it is likely a story of stealth expectations and the disappointment they have produced. As Ann Lamont said, 'expectations are resentments waiting to happen'. We have the tendency to visualize an entire scenario, or conversation or outcome and when things don't go the way we'd imagined, disappointment can become resentment. This often happens when our expectations are based on outcomes, we can't control. Like, what other people think, what they feel, or how they're going to react". Also Brené quotes, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, from one of her own favorite books 'The Book of Forgiving', on the topic of forgiveness: “To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger. However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person too”.

After the book, I took a sound break and walked around and a random thought came to mind, Wade brought me one of my favorite treats yesterday, although I was grateful that he thought of me and bought me my favorite cake... I don't know if it's the mood I'm currently in or what, but then I started wondering... when I asked him why he didn't cut himself a slice, and he said he didn't want it. Then I remembered he said he's been trying to cut down on sugar, etc. However, he also knows I have insulin resistance, I've been trying to watch my carbs/sugars too, I don't stop myself but I do moderate what I eat. So, then why did he buy such a big cake, just for me? to last a lot longer in the fridge if I'm the only one indulging... if he isn't planning on having any, I've been feeling shitty enough with his little comments these last two weeks, first to our friends and then his description about the "hot", flat stomached prime chick... so is he trying to sabotage my weight loss or something? what is going on here? then to add all the disgusting stuff to that, like why is he trying to make losing all this so much more difficult for me? it would be akin to me, going out and buying him his favorite whiskey, after he told me he wants to stop drinking and I don't drink it at all, so it would be there, just for him. Maybe I am looking into it too much, but, it just doesn't make sense to me, every other time he has bought it, he has eaten it too... but not this time.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I forced myself to walk, I ended up happy that I did, I really needed it.

#Self-Care
How To Handle Toxic People


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 559: 8/11/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, after a very rough afternoon for me, where we went to a local nature center/park and of course, there was a 'prime' there, sticking out like a sore thumb, just waltzing around in front of us, what felt like --you know, taunting me. Yes, I got triggered, which piled onto all of the shit that was already on my mind the entire day and the mixed emotional roller coaster I've been on these last two weeks. I was like a ticking time bomb, every time someone (especially our kids) would approach me, whatever annoying shit they were doing seemed to irritate me far worse than usual and I felt like I was getting set off, very quickly. I was angry, snapping and felt like I wasn't in control. I do feel 'less than', I feel like my attractiveness when Wade looks at me, has decreased significantly - the more he has seen me be, umm, less than what would be considered 'sexy'. Let's face it, when he would get turned on by the women he ogled/s, he doesn't consider or think about the unappealing parts because he has not seen them in any of those situations, unlike with me. So he sees them as they appear to be, "HOT!" aka the perfect visual stimulation, he can easily put them into that top-notch 'perfect primes' category in his book instantaneously, but for me? I feel like I have such an uphill battle as it stands, forever competing with women I could never match up to in his eyes, sometimes I wonder why I even bother? I will never be a prime, it's an impossible reach for me, who am I kidding and am I just wasting my time running in circles and just fantasizing that he could ever be someone I could ever have that safety with, knowing what I know and how much he adores all those other women, whom I can not ever be. I keep hoping that at some point 'things will change' and none of that will matter to him and he will only want me, no matter who's around? but then I remember his very own breakdown from a few days ago, that he still categorizes women in his head, aka 'hot', which means he does feel something, he does still objectify, even if he doesn't go the next step and look at objectifying parts or daydream about sleeping with them. It's too stressful and draining, always feeling like I will never ever be what he really wants, desires or just enough, for my own husband. We talked about this last night, I even broke down crying which is really rare for me, but I just could not take the weight of it all anymore, it is too much for me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Jump Start Your Life”, in this episode, John Maxwell talks with us about how to jump-start your life. 10 ways to jumpstart your happiness, 1. Savor life’s joys, 2. Drop grudges, 3. Get moving (regular exercise), 5. Keep friends close, 6. Get with the flow, 7. Practice kindness, 8. Look on the bright side, 9. Avoid over-thinking and comparing, and 10. Recall three good things. Remember, not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.

This morning, we went for our morning walk, together, it's been a while. The weather was nice, quite breezy and not humid at all. I felt better after getting it all out last night, and although he swears that he wants me above anyone else and he has never felt this way about anyone, ever... I don't feel it and can't believe it. Especially not after his latest description of that prime as 'hot' and explaining he continues to categorize women. We basically spent the entire walk talking about this very thing again, continuing our conversation from the night before. I explained to him again, if he is still categorizing, he is still objectifying, and that means he feels 'something', enough to put these "hot" women into a category, which means he is breaking down who goes where. So, where does that leave me? when he claims that one of his 'primes' who looks 150 times better than me is indeed "hot" and places her in that category, but also says he finds me "hot" and puts me there too, like, come on! I'm not stupid and can see the huge differences between both of us, so either he is trying to deceive me or himself. I will never gain security this way, I have to feel that he has STOPPED objectifying other women, that he no longer has the need to care for them, or give them a single thought/second of his time, no matter how hot they are, I should know that no matter who is around, his attention is and will always be on ME. With him though, I don't think it will ever happen, because, at the end of the day, I think he just desires/is attracted to another type, which sucks for me, as I only desire him.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I opened up and was vulnerable again, even though it was difficult for me.

#Self-Care
HOW to quit Sugar & Unhealthy Habits


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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 560: 8/12/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about his brother and wife, their extravagant spending on this upcoming trip and how it must be nice to be so care free about your spending. Then we went inside because he gave me the full salon treatment and colored, washed and blew out my hair - the result was fabulous and I really appreciate it. This would have never happened a year and a half ago, it still amazes me that he offers to do it and even (seems like) enjoys doing it and seeing the end result, just as much as I do, gives me a funny, but a happy feeling inside. We ended up have a really strong intimate connection before falling asleep, it's been a while but it was worth it, after what we both felt last night.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Changing Your Self Image”, in this episode, Eric Thomas talks about how changing your self-image will allow you to go to the next level in your life. His 8 steps to changing your self-image, 1. Be mindful, 2. Change the story, 3. Avoid falling into the compare-and-despair rabbit hole, 4. Channel your inner rock star, 5. Exercise, 6. Do unto others, 7. Forgiveness, 8. Remember that you are not your circumstances. Remember, what you need to think about is not how you see the Universe, what you need to think about is how the Universe sees you.

This morning, during our walk we listened to multiple videos about various health topics, I won't go over them all, but we picked up a lot of useful, educational tips from each of them. My favorite one was "Intermittent Fasting & Hunger - What the Science Says", where they explain why hunger won't get worse and worse while fasting and why keeping your blood glucose and insulin low, and trying a keto diet will help you adapt to fasting a lot easier. Some interesting facts I learned as someone who has been diagnosed with PCOS with Insulin Resistance, that it's not always 'sugar' is your only enemy, how fats and low salt plays a huge role in insulin spikes and processing in the body. He describes how insulin and glucagon works, the fact that insulin makes you hungry, glucagon doesn't. What all this mumbo jumbo about ketones/ketosis & hunger is all about. Why you shouldn't go overboard on protein and what leptin, the satiety hormone is and how it also plays a major role in your body and fat storage.

We were dreading a playdate that we arranged for our eldest with a school friend because no matter how much Wade tried to explain that the playdate was supposed to be for our daughter and just her friend, the girl's parents kept insisting they'd bring their whole family over (mom, dad, three girls). We don't have much in common with her parents, but e went ahead and agreed to this playdate for our daughter's sake. It actually turned out much better than we expected it to be. We ended up socializing and talking about a variety of topics for about three hours straight, I believe everyone enjoyed themselves. Wade fired up the grill and the food he cooked up was delicious as usual, both our girls had a great time because no one was ignored, they are played together, it was nice.

Today was a reprieve, a much better day emotionally than I've had in quite some time. Although physically I feel sick, hopefully, that will go away eventually.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Actually got comfortable with strangers, which meant stepping outside of my comfort zone and had a good conversation.

#Self-Care
Eric Thomas - Change The Way You See Yourself


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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 561: 8/13/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Never being alone, anymore.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about various topics, I wasn't feeling too well (nauseous, stomach, etc) so we went in rather quickly, where he gave me a nice foot rub, I don't know how but through that reflexology, it did help with it. Then he continued to spoil me with a back rub too... before other fun things and then it was time for bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Solve Your Biggest Problems”, in this episode, Tony Robbins gives some helpful tips on how to solve problems that come up in life. Tony's 6 quick and powerful tips, 1. First, ask yourself: is there really a problem here? 2. Accept it, 3. Ask for help, 4. Use 80 percent of your time to find solutions, 5. Break the problem down into smaller pieces, and 6. Find the opportunity and/or lesson within the problem. Remember, if you look at a problem as a problem it will hold you back. If you look at a problem as an opportunity that's exactly what it will be.

This morning, Wade had a doctors appointment and I was at home with the kids, being driven up the wall. While he was there, he got word that another co-worker had taken his own life, not two months after the last one did. He, of course, is sad, dismayed and confused by it all, it's unreal and unbelievable. When he got home, we took the girls to the mall so we can have some family time, on the ride there, both of us said how grateful we were to now have each other to talk to, he and I both know that we are never alone. We had a family lunch, painted some ceramics and did a little shopping and then called it a day. There were triggers there, of course, but I started feeling sick to my stomach - literally, as I have been for a few days, so my triggers were there but not as heavy-hitting as they normally would have been because my brain was preoccupied.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Being available for Wade, when he needs me.

#Self-Care
Intermittent Fasting & Hunger - What the Science Says


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 562: 8/14/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about the loss of another one of his co-workers. Again, all of the "what did we miss?" "had he reached out" "what was the final trigger that set him off" "could it have been the fact that he was close to that other co-worker, that committed suicide in June and he just couldn't cope with the loss? as usual plenty of questions that there will never be any closure or answers to. I am just glad I can be here for Wade, in his time of need, he always knows he is not alone.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Craft Your Ideal Life Vision And Why You Should”, in this episode, we hear about how to craft your ideal life vision, and why it's important to do so. 10 Ways to Set a Vision for Your Life; 1. Work to resolve old wounds, 2. Understand it’s not about you, 3. Explore your passion and talents, 4. Spend time with people you admire, 5. Envision what you want your life to look like, 6. Don’t limit yourself, 7. Get feedback and buy-in from trusted sources, 8. Write a mission statement and list action steps, 9. Find accountability, 10. Be flexible. Remember, getting to know your limitations is important because then you know exactly what to ignore.

This morning, we decide to head on over a Science museum with the kids. They, of course, had a blast, we had a good time too. Unfortunately, for me, there were A LOT of triggers there today. It seemed like everywhere I turned, I was bombarded by them more and more. Wade claims "he was all right and didn't slip" that he was getting more anxiety and shame because he was worried about how I was doing, but I don't believe it, I saw him slip and he looked tense on multiple occasions around some of the women. Then we bumped into this one woman (who I believe he slipped on) again right before leaving too, making a nice finish to my day. Normally, I would have been making fun of her, if I was there with my best friend (instead of Wade) because she was dressed like a straight-up hoe, looking like she was about to go pull some tricks and not dressed to hang out with kids at a science museum. She was in a super tight tank top "dress", so tight that her tits and ass stuck out like a sore thumb, it was obviously a few notches too small for her because you can clearly see her thong right through the material that was screaming for saving. It was a pathetic cry for attention and well, she definitely got it from most of the men there well hey, I guess that was the point, right? Whenever I see these triggering women, all I think is how Wade is probably having a difficult time controlling his eyeballs, then if he does slip, how he is probably now categorizing them, you know who's goes into his 'hot', 'sexy' or 'meh' categories, like where do I fall in, compared to who he's looking at (or trying hard not to). Also, how I can't go anywhere, where I don't get triggered, which means I never have peace of mind that I am enough for him, as a woman. That I am all he wants, desires and puts first - especially when I see him struggling when those kind of women are around, I could pick up on his vibes and actions. I know who he prefers, which is extremely unsettling for me because I just can not compete with them, even if I wanted to try (which I do not, I'm passed that stage in life). I'm just afraid that every time I go out with my family, even if it's for the kids, spending time together as a family and overall we have a decent time... when I continuously get triggered, it just reminds me that, maybe I can not get passed this, ever and in order to stay in this marriage, I need to stop going out and doing things where there are high risks for crowds, because the residual effects take huge tolls on me. I just don't know, all I know is I feel like complete shit after all of those triggers and I feel like 110% he will always prefer any of them over me, any day of the week. I'm afraid I'm kidding myself and wasting time, expecting something to change here.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As triggered as I got, I still felt good in my ensemble today.

#Motivational
How to Create a Vision for Your Life


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 563: 8/15/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we had a difficult talk on two fronts, another coworkers suicide and coping with that. Then he wanted to change the subject onto my triggers and my emotional state, which I kind of didn't want to because I wanted the discussion to be all about him, to be his support system. My issues are never-ending and can be shelved for another day. However, he insisted and we spoke about our day at the science museum and all of the overwhelming moments (triggers) I had there and how he saw how much I was controlling myself on multiple occasions, from snapping. Afterward, we went inside and watched some TV before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Overcome Limiting Beliefs That Are Holding You Back”, in this episode, we hear 5 habits to get over self-limiting beliefs. 1) Check your language (when you say things like, “That’s impossible” or “I have to,”) 2) Look for roadblocks, 3) Suspend Disbelief, 4) Set a stretch goal and 5) Get used to being off autopilot. Remember, the only thing limiting us in life is the belief that there are limits.

This morning, Wade had to go into work, during my walk, I listened to some more of my Brené Brown book "Rising Strong". The most notable takeaway was "choosing curiosity and connection rather than walking away or shutting down, while painful, is choosing courage. It's also the path to cultivating compassion, connection, and forgiveness. The broken-hearted are indeed the bravest among us, they dared to love and they dared to forgive". Then I listened to a few more YouTube videos from this new guy I recently came across, Thomas DeLauer; a renowned health author and nutrition expert (featured on Reddit, Muscle & Fitness, Men's Fitness, Natural Muscle, Ironman, Muscle & Performance) and is an expert in the world of organic foods and an anti-inflammatory diet. He has built his name around helping people in all corners of the world find the time to make small, easy changes within their diets and their lifestyles. So far, from the few videos I've listened to, I've gotten a lot of new and good information (that is backed by scientific evidence, I might add!). I'm learning a lot and very excited to try and implement some changes into my own self-care routine.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Did four quick rounds of walking today.

#Self-Care
How to do Intermittent Fasting: Complete Guide


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

How is that triggering?

 

OHHH, gotcha!~ he's inspirational!

 

DAY 564: 8/16/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about various topics and then we went inside and continued watching Handmaidens Tale on Hulu, before heading to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Improve Your Life By Adopting The Habits of Happy People”, in this episode, we get some great advice on how to improve our lives by adopting the habits of happy people. 1. Appreciate more, 2. Energize yourself every morning, 3. Practice acceptance, 4. Live in the present, 5. Listen attentively, 6. Save money to invest in memories, 7. Make new friends, 8. Dream big, 9. Take steps toward your dream, 10. Develop a mindset of abundance, not scarcity, 11. Take time to re-charge, 12. Make time to play, 13. Be around happy people, 14. Move slowly, 15. Actively soothe yourself, 16. Let go, 17. Forgive often, 18. Attend to the real world, and 19. Care for yourself. Remember, to change your life, change your habits.

This morning, Wade had to go into work again, during my walk, I listened to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong". The most notable takeaway was something I can relate very much to... "over the years, I think I unconsciously developed a value system, that helped me make sense of my role. A way to look at giving and receiving, that made me feel better and soothe the pain of not allowing myself to ask for help. The axiom of that dangerous system was simple; helping is courageous and compassionate, and a sign that you have it all together. Asking for help was a sign of weakness". I can really connect myself to a lot of what she brings up, that's for sure.

I've been circling through a whole weird mix of emotions today. I was overwhelmed throughout almost the whole day with constant noise between my parents and kids, also I was not feeling well physically. Then I felt something coming 'up' internally because he had to drive past an area, where he use to act out and the was making me feel or kinds of way, although he did call me and tell me he was fine while he was on the way there and when he was held up, he sent me a photo, I guess to assure me of what he was doing - which was very considerate of him. He did a lot of things right this morning, he made me feel much less stressed, more secure and helped push some of my fears back. But I still felt unsettled, and was not sure why - then it finally hit me (like a lightning strike) after my mom asked me "are you going with him to the wake?" (after he called to tell me he was on his way home). I told her, "no" luckily she dropped it there, probably because she didn't want to sit with the kids but it did make me start thinking... I feel ashamed to even mention this because I feel like I shouldn't think this way because it seems so selfish, but it's swirling through my head, so I need to get it out. I did find it odd that he immediately asked me to go with him to the last coworker's wake (which was almost two hours away, compared to this one) because he said he needed me there for support, but this time he didn't even bring it up, so this time he didn't need me there for support? it seems a bit strange to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of these events in the slightest, not my pleasure at all and I prefer to not be somewhere so grim. I just find it strange, like I said last time, I had to make a whole plea to my parents to sit with the kids because he said he really needed me by his side to get through this, which I had to explain to them, but now, he didn't even bring it up at all - what makes this time so different?... The only thing that is swirling through my head is that the family/general public that would be in attendance for this wake (the females) would be a whole lot different than the last one, therefore without me there, he'd have the freedom to slip or ogle in peace because I won't be there to see it and we wouldn't have drama about it later. When he got home, before leaving for the wake he actually brought going alone up, I told him all of this (even though I kind of did not want to do that, at least not until tonight) and he told me that he was grateful for me, that he was glad I told him my honest feelings and understood where I was coming from and that he was confused this whole week, it was like a blur and unsure why he didn't ask me, but he did want me there, but it just kept slipping his mind to ask... but last time, it was instant and we've been talking about this for three days straight... it is all just so odd. I'll be there for him either way, whether I'm present or not, for me it's about the difference between last month's situation and today that's confusing to me.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Didn't let feeling like crap get in the way of my morning walk.

#Motivational
7 Science-backed HABITS to be HAPPIER & More SUCCESSFUL


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 565: 8/17/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about how he felt at the wake and about stuff he had to do for work in the morning. Then we went inside and watched some TV, before heading to bed, it was a long day for us both.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Let Go Of Regret And Find Peace Within Yourself”, in this episode, Joel Osteen talks about how to find peace within yourself so you can finally let go of regret. His things you can start doing today; 1) Set limits. 2) Find a relaxation technique that works for you. 3) Don’t make mountains out of molehills. 4) Slow down. 5) Unclutter your world, unclutter your mind. 6) Use a minimalistic workspace. 7) Be 10 minutes early. 8) Accept and let go. 9) Ask instead of guessing. 10) Escape for a while. Read a novel, watch your favorite TV-show or a movie. 11) Solve a problem that is weighing down on you. Don’t procrastinate anymore. Solve your problem and release it and all the underlying stress and tension that it is creating in your life. 12) Disconnect over the weekend. 13) Remember the 5 little words that’ll help you to stay sane: one thing at a time. 14) Breathe. When stressed, lost in a problem or the past or future in your mind breathe with your belly for two minutes and just focus on the air going in and out. Remember: There’s a day tomorrow too. Sometimes you have a bad day. Or life interferes with your plans for the day. And so you don’t get what you had planned or hoped for done. The best way to handle such a situation is – in my experience – simply to kindly tell yourself that there’s a day tomorrow too and that you can get it done then. Beating yourself up is on the other hand not a smart or helpful strategy. If you can't find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.

This morning, Wade had to go into work again, during my walk, I listened to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong". The most notable takeaway was this AWESOME acronym for BRAVING... "B is for Boundaries: You respect my boundaries, and when you're not clear about what's okay and not okay, you ask. You're willing to say no. | R is for Reliability: You do what you say you'll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don't overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities. | A is for Accountability: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends. | V is for Vault: You don't share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept and that you're not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential. | I is for Integrity: You chaos courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them. | N is for Non-Judgment: I is for I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment. | G is for Generosity: You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others". I can really connect myself to a lot of what she brings up, that's for sure. Then I listened to a few more Thomas DeLauer videos, damn there is so much information to pack in there, sheesh, my brain hurts.

Also this morning, Wade had to attend the funeral for his coworker. I wish I could have been there to support him, at least he knew I'm only a phone call or message away. I was thinking about him throughout my whole walk, I was in the middle of taking a photo to send him and let him know I was thinking of him, when he actually sent me a message at the same time, letting me know he wasn't doing too well. I guess we were both thinking of each other at that very moment. When he got home, we just hugged for a while and then after some time, he went to bed.

It has been a very long and exhausting day, full of mixed emotions from both ends I guess. It's weird, as connected as we have gotten, I kind of feel like we've been getting a bit disconnected in the last few days and in a way it feels like he is sort of pushing me away. I've even been getting used to walking alone again (when after the last two months, I was feeling so off). Why do I feel like he is pushing me away? well, even though he keeps saying he is grateful for having me in his life and having someone to talk to... him not asking me to go with him to the wake, like the last time, when in the end he may have actually needed me there for the support. Then even something small, when he was talking to me this afternoon but was making his way towards the balcony midconversation because he wanted to go smoke, I said: "do you want me to go out with you?" (so he could continue talking) and he said "it's fine", I guess he wanted to be alone and do something mindless like continue watching cartoons or something, which is understandable, but he was the one who kept talking to me. It just feels like a weird push and pull sensation, I'm not too crazy about it, but I guess maybe that's just his way of coping with another loss.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I'm expanding my mind a lot with all this health stuff.

#Motivational
Joel Osteen - Peace With Yourself


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 566: 8/18/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, I was in such a bad place by the end of the day. All of the noise...between my kids and parents, plus trying to hold it all together for Wade, I was getting overwhelmed. My head was throbbing and I felt like my body was extremely run down like I was trying to handle so much without any help in sight. Kind of like the feeling of drowning and fluttering your arms in the air but no one was around to pull you out... that's how it felt. It was a mix of so many things, between feeling like I was being pushed away (even though I understand it was his way of coping, but it still kind of felt like rejection, so it disconnected me), then my parents had zero empathy for what I was going through and instead of helping, just added to the noise. Wade and I talked a little, I told him what I was feeling very overwhelmed and how my head was pounding, then while we watched TV, he played on his phone the whole time and I sat there giving myself an aggressive foot rub, for about 25-30 minutes, in the hopes that it would help destress some of the overwhelm of the extremely long day, along with the headache, so I could go to bed calmer. Luckily, whatever I did to myself, helped somewhat, but it was not easy for me to contort myself into a pretzel enough to hit all of the spots they show in the tutorials online for "foot massage to get rid of migraines". There were about 10-15 minutes left before he had to go to work and he turned off the TV and said he wanted to give me a back rub, but I told him it's fine I don't want it, because to be honest, when it's done at the 12th hour, leaving only a few rushed minutes for a "quickie backrub", it does not feel like he wants to do it out of love and authenticity, it feels like it's getting done just to check off a box and I don't need that kind of 'favor', it feels forced and fake, under those circumstances I rather just have back pain. He knew how overwhelmed I was all day, how my head was killing me, yet he waited till the last minute to offer this up, like why bother at this point? just continue playing your phone until you had to go get ready for work. He has done these rushed backrubs a few times now and they've gotten shorter and shorter as time has passed. The shorter they get, the more meaningless they've also become, it's getting to the point where I rather not get oiled up and greasy for a 5-minute rub down, yeah they feel great for the 5-10 minutes of pressure on my back, but they don't connect me to him like like they used to, I don't have enough time to feel all of the emotional/intimate sensations. To me, it's either you are doing it wholeheartedly, meaning putting in a good amount of time and effort or just don't do it at all, period.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “7 Keys To Starting Your Day Off Right”, in this episode, we have an inspiring message that will plain and simply help you with starting your day off right. Some morning routine ideas to start your day off right; 1. The Two-Minute Breathing Exercise, 2. The 15-Minute Routine, 3. Take a Shower, 4. Buy a Festive Coffee Mug, 5. Use an Alarm Clock That Actually Works, 6. Blast Some Great Tunes, 7. Create Something, 8. Create a Step-by-Step Schedule, 9. Do the Dishes, 10. Check the News (Fast!), 11. Exercise for 10 minutes, 12. Set Your Clocks Five Minutes Ahead, 13. Play Some Soothing Ambiance, and 14. Keep Your Blinds Open. Remember, if the sun isn't shining where you are, be the sunshine where you are.

This morning, we RElistened to "Do Calories Matter? Is a Calorie a Calorie? (Science of Weight Gain)", this video describes why calories give you only a small slice of the picture for understanding weight loss. The body is constantly changing its operations to maintain homeostasis, and the food you take in has a drastic effect on these operations- the operation of hormones in particular. We also listened to a few more Thomas DeLauer videos, we had to RElisten to stuff we've already heard because there is just that much information to unpack there. One of the videos that was very interesting was "Are You Bloated or Fat? How to Tell the Difference" and like I said there's A LOT of info in there, Wade and I both are learning a lot, we recommend everyone gives it a listen, even if you aren't on a diet, it is just good to know.

This afternoon, Wade took the kids to the pool... I fibbed and told my parents I was going to lay down for a nap - I had the whole apartment to myself... I had peace and quiet... it was magical (while it lasted!)... when he got back he told me that it's a good thing I didn't go to the pool because there were women there that would have triggered me. He said they were new people that moved into the building next to ours (apart of our complex), I'm still not clear if they triggered him or not - I doubt he would tell me the full truth anyway because he doesn't believe putting them into those mental "she's hot" categories are triggers or forms of objectification. Anyway, he kind of mumbled something and walked away to do something else. Either way, I guess this means I won't be able to go to the pool anymore, at least not with him - just to be safe. I think I will stick to going on days when he is sleeping and he can go with the girls himself on his days off.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Sticking to my intermediate fast!

#Motivational
6 Minutes to Start Your Day Right!


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 567: 8/19/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Suprise Family Day.
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Last night, we talked about what I posted in my journal yesterday, also the new 'women' he bumped into at the pool which sprung open another conversation about ... me never being able to get passed this, even though he believes "it's possible" but we see the breakdown of slips, ogling and objectification very differently. Ever since finding out he still categories them as 'hot' or whatever, to me - that simply means that he is still objectifying and spending way too much thought on other women, hence more thoughts on them, fewer thoughts on me. That means what to me? I'm not a priority in the way I yearn to be and have been yearning for since we got married, now over 13 years ago. Of course, he does not see it that way because (his excuse) he always comes to the same conclusion, "no matter what, if he slips or notices someone he would have ogled, he reaches the same conclusion now: "no matter what 'she looks like' he still only wants me", firstly when he puts it that way, it makes me feel 'less than' and as if he is doing me some sort of favor? and either way, I do not believe him, not in a million years, neither would anyone else if they had a look at them and then me. We both have very different beliefs on this and it scares me to think that it may never change for us. Anyhow, earlier in the day - I had seen concert tickets go on sale, for a show I would love to go see, I went before with Wade, my best friend, and her man, and the show was great, so nostalgic - the only thing that ruined my night was Wade and his nonstop drooling over other women aka ogling. As numbed out and disconnected as I was from him at the time, his ogling was so ridiculous that even in my 'no fucks given' mode, I couldn't bear it, there were empty seats one row in front, so I grabbed my best friend and we went there, so Wade could be behind me, so I wouldn't have to continue watching him, eye f*ck all those other women. This show's audience is composed of mostly Latin people, which is his utter wet dream, so ... because I do not want to relive that nightmare, I asked him if it would be all right if my friend can make it, that I would just go with her. He seemed okay about it, of course under other circumstances I would prefer going to a show or concert with him, but not one that would tempt the shit out of him and him being there would trigger the shit out of me (knowing what I know about his preferences). I know he is in recovery now and changing, but at the end of the day, he has a lot of slips still to this day, and like I said I'm not even sure he knows the differences anymore. He has had "slips" for 4 days straight, just goes to show that maybe there is something to what I've been saying all along because I do not believe that all those "slips" are accidental, some are straight-up ogling, in my opinion, he just doesn't believe that himself, now imagine him in a place with 100's of his primes surrounding him, how many "slips" would I have to worry about? this just sucks, that this is my life, I can not feel safe or secure with my place, in my own relationship... when it comes to my husband's attraction towards me especially when other women are around us, it's so pathetic and makes me constantly question if this is something we can 'push through', am I kidding myself? maybe we are better off as friends, where it wouldn't matter to me, not anymore, who he prefers/desires/wants because let's be real I'm never going to have a waist small enough or ass "big" enough to ever be able to match up with or compete against; who he really prefers and sexually desires - but maybe, just maybe, I might be 'that girl' for someone else, where someone like me -- would be their "prime type" when it comes to preference. I just want to be in a relationship... with a man, where I don't have to question my place - ever, no matter who is around.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Designing Your Own Blueprint To Success And Happiness”, in this episode, Tony Robbins talks with us about designing your own blueprint to success and happiness. His tips? #1 — Gratitude, #2 — Be Present, #3 — Manage Time Effectively, #4 — Set SMARTER Goals, you’re setting Specific (S), Meaningful (M), Achievable (A), Relevant (R), and Time-Based (T) goals that are Evaluated (E), and the approach is Re-Adjusted (R) until you succeed, #5 — Embody an Empowering Morning Routine, #6 — Tackle the MIT's, also known as the most important tasks of the day, and #7 — Focus on Health and Wellbeing. Remember, if you have no critics you’ll likely have no success.

This morning, we began listening to "How to Become Decisive In the Face of Paralyzing Fear" an interview with Colin O'Brady, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Colin O’Brady suffered a critical injury so bad that a doctor told him he would probably never walk properly again. So, he climbed Mount Everest. And he became the first person to do what was thought impossible--cross Antarctica alone and unaided. He explains how he deals with fears, doubts, and competitiveness, and how he uses objectivity about it all to his advantage. We also listened to a few more Thomas DeLauer videos, of course taking in more and more new information.

Wade surprised me today, normally after our walk, he would have gone to sleep until the evening because he worked last night. He instead decided to stay up and we went to the mall and had an impromptu family day. Even though there were quite a few triggers for me there, I still appreciated the time spent together, it was so out of the blue, so very unexpected and it's difficult to surprise or 'throw' me - so that felt very nice. It also did me a solid, I felt he was being very considerate towards me because... otherwise I would have had a day full of noise, complaining and even feelings of overwhelm/'suffocating' from my kids and mom. The day actually turned out really nice for us all, I was really grateful for this time together, it really offset the emotional up's and down's I've been going through (mentally) worrying about having to explain to my friend, why Wade wouldn't be coming with us to the concert this time. Good thing it takes her a long time to check her messages, now I have time to collect my thoughts in regards to that. He was excited about today and wants to make this a thing, I'm excited about that too, as long as he doesn't exhaust himself too much in the process, don't want it to take a toll on him and end up causing resentment later on.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved how I looked today.

#Motivational
Tony Robbins: You Need to Develop The Lion Attitude


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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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