jealousy problems

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Godar123, Mar 31, 2018.

  1. Godar123

    Godar123 Fapstronaut

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    Hello guys, I am having trouble deciding what do in my relationship. I have been dating this girl for about 2 years. after the two years we broke up because i need my space to solve my porn addiction. now that i am doing better. we started to date a year. however, she told me that during the summer, she was seeing this guy and that she had feeling for him at the time. when we started dating i told her i did not wanted her talking to this guy amymore cause it was awkward for me. she did behind my back many times but she also used him to revenge in multiple times. this hurted me a lot. however we solved the revenge thing and i realized that he was just a tool. since then she hasnt use him for that. however, she kept talking to him even tho i told her i did not want her to talk to him at all. that really hurted. recently i decided to trust more than I used to. she decided to start being friends with this guy. idk if i should tell her i dont want her to be friends with this guy. but i also want to trust her. i just dont get why she would want be friends with this person if there is so many other people to be friends with
     
    asbgca likes this.
  2. asbgca

    asbgca Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I feel your pain. Jealousy is hard to deal with. My first gf went to France and slept with some guy after we had 3 or 4 dates. She kept saying we weren't together yet, but we were already dating. And later on there were other girls where I was jealous of some other guy and felt threatened. The worst was when I got rejected because of other guys. That hit my self-esteem hard and made me feel less than them.

    Here's something I've learned over the years. Girls are looking for the best mate out there. It's instinctual for them, just as we guys look for the most attractive woman. If somebody 'better' comes along a girl will be tempted to switch over to the new guy. I know it's harsh to hear, but right now it sounds like she is trying to figure out which one of you will be the better catch for her. You could try to control her so she doesn't talk to him, but honestly that won't get you far. She still might do it behind your back and she might think you're needy and insecure.

    Best thing you can do, focus on yourself. Work your nofap program and get yourself up to a good reboot. Work on self-improvement, like getting in the gym, reading, school, etc. Work on your own goals and try to get her out of your mind. These are the things that keep girls attracted. Also go out and talk to other girls. Be more social and give her something to be jealous about. Show her that you can attract other girls. That will make you more valuable in her eyes and she'll be more attracted to you.
     
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  3. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

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    Well you need to ask yourself a serious question. Then bounce the answer off some close trust worthy friends and family to.make sure ur answer matches reality.

    Are you jealous because you're a guy prone to jealousy? or is it that you are in a messed up situation you should not be in?

    If it's u that's better. Acknowledge it. Work on it. Communicate well.about it.

    If it's the situation well maybe u should not be in it or aak her to help u solve it.

    Idk u or her but tbh might be a lil of both. It's hard to demonize someone about non cheating sex. Or for being friends with an ex but if it's a situation u aren't comfortable in. Ur only choice is change or move on. At least if.talking keeps failing
     
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    If you cannot trust someone, then the relationship will not work. Are the two of you in a committed relationship or just dating? I have written this before, but sometimes when you PMO in a relationship for too long, it gets to a point where it is just too late to repair the relationship, and I fear with this girl that is the case. Since your counter is only set at 6 days, I suspect you have not been clean all that wrong, so truly right now what you need to be doing is focusing on your reboot. I would cut her out of your life entirely. You have every right to do that. Yes you did hurt her but that does not mean that you deserve any less. Often I see men reboot for a partner, they want to get well to get their ex back, but you cannot do that, nor can you rely on anyone else for your happiness. You were broken up when she was with this man. Jealousy is a normal emotion unless you let it get out fo control. What you are doing now is like being jealous of an ex boyfriend. I am also of the school of thought that you cannot tell your partner who she can talk to. You can say something like “it hurts me when you talk to him,” and explain why, but coming across like you are instructing her is not going to be taken well. I think contact with exes can be okay, so long as it is not too much, and she is totally open with you about the situation. It looks to me like the two of you have history, and sometimes history draws you back to the same person, even when that person is not the right person for you. As an SO who was betrayed I can tell you that often the pain and damage is just too deep for us to be in a relationship with you, even after you are clean, and even after time has passed. If I were in your shoes like I said I would get yourself a good minimum of 90 days clean, and a year before you start dating again. I think you will start to see things more clearly with this girl when you do. Now you are in a difficult emotional state, and it appears that you are relying on her as a source of support.
     
  5. Godar123

    Godar123 Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    I appreciate all your comments. I thought that too to be honest. I know i cannot tell her who to be friends with and tbh i agree we hurt each other so much. and it is true it woud be easier to just leave her and be alone and i have seen that if i do that. I can do up to a month without porn. It is true that she does bring me stres. However, I have seen her improve and now my relapses are less often and without porn, just imagination. I went from not being able to have sex to now actually getting normal erections. My problem is that i did some things in the past and since i did that i cannot forgive me. I tried everything and until now i feel guilty and that makes me sad. I aso notice that is hard for me to say no to sex since we have pretty good sex. I am worry I will get addicted to that. I just have a question. How can i persevere. cause i know what to do, what causes my pmo. what not to do. I done every research possible. however what keeps making me relapse is the fact that i dont have will power to form good habits. sometimes i just decide to do things that will eventually make me pmo , like sleeping late, waking up and staying in bed or many other things. idk how can i get that discipline.
     
  6. Mr. E

    Mr. E Fapstronaut

    All of those things help. The best thing that helps recover from porn addiction (and ANY addiction really) is to figure out what you were using PMO to cope with. Most (if not all) addicts are addicts not just because of chemicals, but because we are trying to cope with something. For me right now, I am trying to cope with loneliness and feeling unloved by my biological family members. I'm not completely clean, but acknowledging what my emotional triggers are and addressing/correcting them has been really helpful for me in dealing with PMO and other areas of my life.
     
  7. Hatfuge

    Hatfuge Fapstronaut

    If you are jealous it's your fault, in my experience jealousy is only caused by lack of trust. If you cannot trust her, don't date her.

    I would rather trust someone and have a great time with them and later find out she cheated on me, than being jealous all the time, feeling like shit, and then find out the same thing or actually ruining the relationship by being jealous for no reason.

    My happiness is far more important than knowing the truth, of course if someone cheats on me that's the end of it, but atleast I had a great time until that point.

    I will not sacrifice my happiness because of something I do not know for certain.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
     

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