jesus christ...

im struggling with so much right now. ive posted so many threads here. ive been an addict for like 2 years now. it started in like 6th grade early middle school. this is gonna be a long post, so be prepared.

warning!: some of what im gonna say can be very distressing and can even trigger some trauma. be warned.

to give a summary, ive been struggling with some sick attraction for a few months. it started while i was in like the first year of my addiction.

idk where to start. so first, in my first year into my addiction, iw as currently looking for more stuff to fap to. i stumbled across an audio on youtube where it sounded like a girl was moaning. but like the girl sounded 9 or 12 or whatever. and the microphone quality sounded like she was recording it in her room with some crappy phone. so i remember thinking just, "maybe shes old and she ahs a voice like that" and "maybe she cant afford a good mic" or some sick shit to try and justify whatever i was doing. unfortunately, i did give into temptation and fapped to it. i felt horrible guilt and regret afterwards.

then a few months after that i was looking for stuff to fap to again and i saw some image of a girl that looked underage. like a 10 year old. wasnt even developed. i again made some horrible excuse to rationalize what was doing. like "uhhh maybe she looks like that but shes old". horrible shit like that. then after i fapped, i again felt horrible shame.

i also remember seeing some weird naruto smut thing that involved sakura and some other guy i forgot who while finding shit to fap to. and i saw some drawn image of sakura (or whatever her name is) in some porn with some other guy. and it looked very off. sakura looks like a 12 year old, in the anime and in the image. so i quickly closed the tab and never saw it again. but the bad thing is, i liked it. it reminded my of my classmate and idk. it was i guess more toned down than the hentai ive seen. but it doesnt justify anything.

god, im having trouble just explaining what ive done and what ive been through. sorry if this is hard to follow.

after that, i got off of porn and i managed to do a 61 day streak. i felt happy and free, but i still was thinking about porn and stuff so there was little impact. during those 61 days i was still being lured into fapping and i frequently thinking about porn ive fapped to. so, there was basically no impact i guess. there was still an urge to fap and i was still fantasizing.

eventually, i searched up something and without my knowledge some anime image popped up as one of the thumbnails. i wasnt even trying to search that up. after that, i started peeking and started fapping again and i lost my 61 day streak.

i stumbled across that naruto shit again while skimming through my history and it instantly made me feel some sort of dread. my stomach dropped.

but, due to escalation, or just some sick attraction, i looked up whoever made that naruto shit and i scrolled through their page on twitter. i saw things that i kinda regret seeing. only a little for some reason. i was interested or pulled in by it because like, it had things that i would want to do to a girl. like thighjobs or some other thing. again, i tried to justify the sick things i was thinking shit like "ohh it just reminds me of a classmate and shes my age so its fine." and "there are adults that look like that and bla bla bla." of course there are so many holes you can see in that reasoning.

i eventually did fap to one of those images. i chose one that looked less, bad i guess. and i just felt so numb after. not much guilt or shame. not as overly powering as before. and it just felt so weird. i have no idea how to describe it properly. i was just numb. i didnt feel anything.

i remember posting about this problem to the nofap forum like a month ago. one of them told me something very important. like "what if this isnt escalation? what if you were simply born with pedophillia and it was hiding beneath the surface, just waiting to manifest it self? and it manifested itself in your porn addiction?" or something along the lines of that. it made me worry so much. what if hes right? what if i was born with it and it wasnt simply from desensitization?? im scared.

i remember in my later parts of my addiction, i started glancing at kids when ever i passed by one, just to see if i felt any sexual pleasure. and i kinda did. just hearing the word "kid" made me feel something. and all if this just confuses me.

i regret doing those things. even if it was to check to see if it had any reaction. because i did. i remember just staring at an image of a kid and feeling something. and i guess i tried to suppress it somehow. i remember doing that. and i just regret it.

i also have these intrusive thoughts of the porn ive seen and even children. and i just fucking hate it. they wont quit. what if i like these thoughts? of my god i just want everything to stop.

christ, i wish i knew what was wrong with me. im only like 14-15 and this is what im going through? this is what ive done? am i desensitized? was this from escalation? was my need for high getting so depraved and sick? was this purely from seeing too much porn and now i sexualize everything? or was i just born with it. was i just unlucky and was born with some sick illness and it decided to show itself during my porn addiction? or is it both? oh my god.

people kept telling me to abstain from porn for some good months and youll be fine but i keep thinking "what if the attraction and shit doesnt go away?? what the fuck do i do then?"

i want to seek help. i really want to. but, with something this massive and horrible, i dont know if any therapist or psychiatrist will want to deal with me. my school has psychiatrists but i read that their for emotional problems or whatever. but i have no idea if any of them have any training or are experienced or have even had a client with a porn addiction or have severe mental problems like me. and im so worried about like what if i tell them what im going through, and they are so worried (rightfully so) about the safety of others that they inform the school or police or whatever. then id lose my friends, maybe family, and ill be sent to some sex offender hospital or is put on watch or a registry.

and im horrified of telling my parents. what will they do? disown me? call the police? will i be on a registry or in a hospital? that will make my life so much worse.

ive seen some dr phil thing about some 15 year old kid that has pedophilia and has done disgusting things to children. it hit me. i keep thinking "what if i become him?" "what if i devolve so much that i act on whatever twisted urge i have and severely mentally break a child or another person because of some sick horrible fantasy?" whenever i think about it, i just get butterflies in my stomach.

ive heard that trauma from sexual assault can fuel pedophilia. and i have been through some sick, traumatic thing that happened a year ago that has given my some trauma, maybe thats a root cause of my pedo problem? i dont know.

i want to be a normal, healthy member of society. i want to be free from the shackles of addiction, mental illness and just general depravity. i want to be normal. like everyone else in my school, my family, everyone. but, i just feel alone and trapped.

its my fault i done this. my fault i fapped to sick things, and its my job to turn my life around. i stand by that statement and i really want to be healthy mentally but i feel so trapped.

i feel trapped and alone. because of the risks of telling someone, the fact that i, have some massive, disgusting, deranged problem that literally no one (including myself) wants to associate with or think about. i just keep having these thoughts like "what if a therapist informs someone" or "what if the psychiatrists dont help you at all?" it makes me feel so fucking alone.


i just want help. i want to be normal. i remember crying a couple times because of what im dealing with.

i look at my friends, classmates and other people just wishing i was them. healthy, no mental illness and trauma and addiction thats eating away at their mental well being. at least from what i know from them.

help me. give me some advice. give me some answer. give me comfort. just help me in anyway you can. my entire life is falling apart. i dont want to be a pedophile, a porn addict, or a sexual predator.

help me.