Joining NoFap, masturbation keeping me sick.

Hello. I have been feeling weird for almost 20 years now. At first it was using drugs that I guess messed my chemistry a bit, in the beginning weed suited me quite well but after a couple years I started getting way too mental, disconnected from my feelings, and afraid. I stopped using drugs almost altogether around the year 2000, but I think I unknowingly replaced it with jerking off. The arrival of the internet made watching new porn every time very easy. Since then I've had so many symptoms go chronic, and resorting to better diets and spiritual practices has highly impacted the course of my life, but didn't make a big difference regarding the chronic stuff. The most challenging for me are chronic fatigue, social anxiety, problems digesting food (gastroparesis), dizziness, lack of motivation and poor sleep (central sleep apnea). I also suffer from a weird problem around regulating my body temperature, the truth is even after taking a shower (which I don't do so often) whether hot or cold I feel dry, dizzy, mentally fogged, cold and with lower back and sciatic nerve pain for the next couple of days, and my sleep apnea worsens. That one I haven't met or read about anyone else experiencing something similar... And I am also going slowly bald while still having a sort of childish face, and I don't really dig the combination!

By the way I'm 41 and I am from Lima, Peru. I am 1,76m tall (5'9") and weigh only 57 kilos (125 pounds). I have been sort of aware of the negative effects of masturbation in my life, especially with porn, and I have even stopped altogether for long periods of time. But I always end up coming back, and I think I often use it to avoid change in my life. Sex with a real woman is better for me, but when I am with a girlfriend or sexual partner I usually end up having more ejaculations than I can handle physically, and even when I do not want to have sex I often end up having it just to avoid boredom. I am slightly premature in ejaculating, and my semen has become quite opaque and liquified.

I have barely worked since I came back from Spain, 4 years ago. I spent 6 years over there and once I ran out of the money I got from my father's heritage it was very difficutl for me to sustain myself. The same thing when I lived over in the US before that, for 18 months. I am currently living with my mother and his boyfriend, they often get very impatient and frustrated with my lack of progress, and God knows this is not the kind of life I want for myself.

This year I feel like I have started with a new found sense of urgency and will to access a new way of living. I have been doing some breathwork which has helped a lot, among other things it has helped become able to exercise again which is helping a lot in all aspects including the inner cold I feel (basically running and going to the gym in the building; surfing leaves me feeling better in some aspects but worse in general, and stuff like soccer is not really an option because of the panic attacks). But I am more aware now than ever that masturbating sort of kills the virtuous cycles or upward streaks I may have, and leaves me feeling weak and helpless all over again. Even though I have managed to do it only kind of once a week for the las 2 months (telling myself it is harmless or even good to get some serotonin in my brain) and even though I have been using mostly only youtube for arousal, it is still clear to me if I am honest that it is thwarting any real progress in my life. And winter is coming back to Lima and I am afraid it is going to be as miserable and helplessly cold for me as last year.

On Wednesday, two days ago, I jerked off, and the way I felt when I woke up today (miserable) made it clear to me that I have to find a way to stop this if I ever want to grow up and start participating more in life as my heart calls me to. And then I found this website. I hope it can help me, I really feel I can do this.