Journal. Cheer me on?

Obviously goes without saying,

don't do the service / romance expecting sexual intimacy.

Do it for spiritual intimacy, connection and love, which will sometimes lead to sexual intimacy.

Sometimes it will not happen.

Don't go to PMO/MO then.

It will kill you.

 

I have had some mega stress recently and, along with the uninvited P incident a few days ago, it has triggered me.

The stress is multiple unplanned visits to hospital with my wife, including ER in the middle of the night, meaning I lost most of my sleep that night, when sleep is scarce anyway.

Posting here. Texting APs. Will meet with them soon too. Digging into God. Practicing self-care.

In other news, I have been reading recently about the history of AA, which gave rise to the fellowship I am a part of, SA, and how basically it came out of a group called First Century Christianity. It was basically massively influenced by Christianity from the start. I find it absolutely fascinating and encouraging.

It has made me want to look into Celebrate Recovery's texts / history and think about this more. I have no firsthand experience of this programme because there has never been one on near enough to me at a time I was aware of it here in the UK.

Those who are familiar with it, what are its core texts? What should I read to familiarise myself with it?

 

Thank you.

Check in.

High stress. More unplanned hospital visits, and now a stay.

Seeing APs in person tonight.

Holding onto God.

 

Thank you for the identification. That is really helpful. And thank you as ever for the prayers.

 

I had a nocturnal emission last night.

No accompanying dream. Not even any pleasure!

Not exactly sure why it happened now. It has been about 3 months since the last O.

So apparently my body "needs" (not) an O about every 3 months! (Reminder: I am 35.)

This fits what my friend, one of my APs, told me. He has read all of the material of the early church Desert Fathers. Apparently they said that when living the high life as a religious hermit, when doing it properly, you should expect a sexual dream / nocturnal emission about 3 or 4 times a year!

This may be TMI, but it was quite satisfying actually, in the morning... It's just nice to know that the equipment still works even if it's not in regular use at the moment!

 

Thanks. Only thing I would query is calling this 'ascetic'. As I have mentioned, I am increasingly convinced that this really is / should be 'normal mode' for the unmarried and those whose wives are not able to have sex.

 

Two things of note have happened recently, one major and one minor:

1. Major. Thank you so much for your prayers, anyone who has prayed. I don't want to give too many details due to paranoia about breaking anonymity (however small the chances of that are), but my wife has had some very good news recently. The prayer and/or the medical treatment have been working! Basically, it looks like as far as we can tell she won't be dying anytime soon. She appears at this point to be in the previously mentioned 90% of people who get better following this treatment rather than the 10% who don't. I am so relieved and grateful. Praise God.

2. Minor. Confession. I had a vivid PMO dream the other day. I dreamt I was actually doing it. In some of the dream it was pleasurable, but in some of the dream it was repugnant and horrible. I was so relieved when I woke up that I hadn't actually done it, because shame and guilt and horror had set in in the dream. Holding onto the truth that just because I dreamt something doesn't mean I have to do it. One day at a time.

 

In addition to previous post, wanted to share some digital resources I have discovered recently that I have found really helpful:

-Recent episode of 'Pure Victory' podcast (which @RedeemedIowan put me onto, thank you!) interviewing the Moral Revolution guys. Excellent!

-This led me to the Moral Revolution 'Let's Talk About It' podcast. Recent episode on masturbation. Haven't listened yet but sure it will be excellent: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podca...am-goff-cole-zick/id680656710?i=1000582172412

-Resources from Dr Doug Weiss, including the book 'Clean' and the podcast 'Love and Sex Today'. Gold standard.

-Sheila Wray Greogoire and husband's book 'The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex'. Absolutely phenomenal. And her other books, and her podcast, of course.

 

I did get a chaser with that one, but barely any. Though I had 'only' been relapsing with PMO once/year and MO once a month prior to this (I pray permanent) period of sobriety, so thankfully not deep into PMO.

 

Check in. I had another PMO dream last night, this time combined with an emission.

So this is a bit more than "three or four a year", though I guess it hasn't been a year yet...

Not entirely sure why it happened. Maybe it's not possible to know and doesn't really matter.

One factor could be... I wasn't going to mention this, because it's not really relevant to anything and a gentleman does not speak of it, but there was a very brief window where medical circumstances allowed for hard mode to end momentarily (I think it was something like 116 days hard mode, basically approaching four months). So that might have primed the system a bit.

I really don't understand nocturnal emissions at all... None for three months and then two in as many weeks... I think the best analogue I have is breastfeeding: The more you use the system, the more the system wants to be used. AND it's painful shutting down the system when it has been used... But not impossible, with God.

I need to make sure with God's help that I am not letting any lust in, however. I need to stay vigilant and notice if I am letting any lust in anywhere, which might have given rise to these PMO dreams.

I am so tired at the moment. I am on nights with our baby. I fell asleep four times sitting upright last night waiting to do baby's last feed!