1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Journal. Cheer me on?

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. XandeXIV

    XandeXIV Fapstronaut

    Something I'm trying at the moment when I have sinful thoughts even without visual stimuli (or any stimuli for that matter) and there is no other distraction is to try and turn them into a form of confession. I acknowledge that the thoughts are there, admit to God that the sin in me wants the fantasy, and ask Him to change my heart so that no part of me wants it. The heart is what needs to change, after all!

    Of course it's no excuse to entertain the thoughts or even let them in in the first place. Nor can I claim this to be effective yet. It's simply the approach I'm trying in response to situations such as the ones you describe.
     
  2. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    This weekend has been insane. So busy I haven't even had a chance to come and post on nofap...

    I got ill with a terrible throat infection so had to look after newborn and elementary schooler while distancing from my wife. Luckily there were family around to help. But oh my goodness, the nights...

    So often the temptation that I could just go on Amazon Prime and watch a topless scene from a film as I am not sure it would be picked up by my filter. Something to soothe the exhaustion, loneliness, discomfort, longing, pain.

    But it would just make everything worse. It is not the real me. There would be no connection in it. It would be truly pathetic and pitiful.

    We are not entitled to sex or sexual release. We do not need it. We should be grateful for every good gift we receive in this life, this included if we are lucky enough to receive it.

    What if, through Jesus, my baseline state got so full of love, joy and peace that I didn't need to get tempted by the drug of PMO to soothe and numb and medicate myself?

    The baseline state is beset by all sorts of circumstances for me right now, true.

    But there must be joy to be found even amidst this. Rejoice always. I will say it again--rejoice. Give thanks in all circumstances. Content in all circumstances. If we have food and clothing, we will be content.

    I need grace.
     
    CPilot, XandeXIV, Tao Jones and 2 others like this.
  3. You have it -- in abundance! :)
     
  4. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    1,880
    6,224
    143
    Bill Cosby once had a riff where he mocked the idea of men going to strip clubs. The line I remember from his routine is "when you are hungry, you don't go and watch a guy grilling a steak". Sadly, it seems Bill struggled to follow his own advice. I guess logic and emotion don't ride in the same car.

    I can only imagine the incredible emotional battles that Our Lord struggled with that night on Gethsemane but with only his human form being brought to bear, he managed it. What an incredible example. Thank you Lord Jesus for showing us what we are capable of.

    PS well done @Rebooter2022, you are an example for all of us. Praying for you and your family.
     
    XandeXIV, jw2021 and Rebooter2022 like this.
  5. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    Yes. I am learning slowly there is always abundance in God. I have just sometimes been struggling to access it recently, perhaps understandably, I am not sure. I don't want to make excuses for struggling or flirting with temptation. There should be no excuses for flirting with temptation. Ever.

    Anyway, welcome back Tao, good to see you. Haven't had a notification from your Journal recently. I assume your counter is currently counting time since a slip of looking up a P-sub, rather than M?

    I don't know anything about Bill Cosby, but maybe he thought about this precisely because of his own struggles. The analogy to hunger is quite weak I think--the only things I think they have in common are a desire/longing, and that the desire/longing is temporarily satisfied with a particular activity. But unlike with hunger, if we do not get a sexual release we will not die, and also if we leave the desire alone for long enough and surrender it then it will shrink and wane. That said, I've heard that people who struggle with overeating/food addiction can have a lot to share with sex addicts / sexaholics, because there is common ground of a natural and good desire that has a place in a healthy life getting warped and idolised out of proportion so it becomes a slavemaster.

    Great point about our Saviour. I hold to a kenotic Christology, which has it that he fully emptied himself of his God-power when he incarnated (a reading of Philippians 2), so he lived his earthly life as a human operating in the power of the Holy Spirit. That means with the Holy Spirit I can do the same things that Jesus did (John 14). I have not yet resisted evil to the point of shedding blood, like Jesus did when he sweated blood in Gethsemene. While I am dog-tired, ill and exhausted, I need to keep things in perspective.

    Edit: Also thank you so much as ever for the prayers.
     
    CPilot and jw2021 like this.
  6. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    Last night I woke up early in the night with such a strong urge wave to PMO. It was so powerful. By myself I am powerless against it.

    Why should it happen now? I thought that there might be a window for physical intimacy with my wife to happen this week or this weekend, but I am still contagious, so instead she continues to distance and isolate from me.

    Physical intimacy has actually happened about once every 2-4 weeks in the last two months. In a way this actually feels like it is more difficult than not happening at all, because every once in a while there is a taste of that wonder, but then it is taken away again.

    I definitely experience the 7-day testosterone spike after the last time, and I wonder if I even experience a 14-day spike too. Things seem to get a little bit easier in terms of desire and longing after 14 days, or at least things go in less predictable waves after that. But then it might happen again and the cycle resumes!

    And if it is anticipated as going to happen, but then that is taken away by circumstances, as has happened to me often over the last six months…year… there is disappointment and some frustration. Which I think can lead to temptation and the urge wave. Does anyone else who is married experience this?

    I think it is normal. I guess the key thing isn’t that this frustration and disappointment and temptation happens but what is done with it. However. I do not see my wife as my ‘methadone’ to keep me off of P (the ‘heroin’ in the analogy I guess), as one famous Christian sex book talks about. Urgh. Rather, I feel more like my wife is my heroin and if she is not available to me then I can get tempted by the methadone, P, the cheaper synthetic substitute.

    But. I must not treat or use my wife like a drug, either. Just because physical intimacy does not happen, or doesn’t happen in the way I want it to, this gives me zero excuse to use P, or to M, or to whine, whinge, moan or otherwise act negatively out of my real disappointment and frustration.

    I must grow up and man up, in God. I can live without physical intimacy. I should be thankful for any marital physical intimacy that comes my way, and seek for it to be an expression of emotional connection and closeness, of spiritual intimacy, and a primarily place of giving, not a way of satisfying my own selfish desires and lust.

    LORD God, please help me to live like that. I surrender these cravings and this selfishness to you. Please make me into a better man. Amen.

    One more thing. At the moment, being ill, I can wake up early and still feel exhausted. It is hard to get out of bed. But if I stay in bed, my mind can drift to fantasy about my wife, which only leads to frustration and blue balls. I should take waking up as a sign that my body is ready to get up, and pray for strength and actually get up sooner. If my mind has enough energy to fantasise, it has enough energy to get going and start the day. I usually feel better a little while after I have actually gotten up, and less susceptible to fantasy. So new plan: On waking, rest in bed for, say, ten minutes, to make sure I am not going back to sleep, then pray for strength and get up. If I notice my mind starting to fantasise, pray and get up then. LORD, please give me strength.
     
  7. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    1,880
    6,224
    143
    I began a fitness campaign on the first of this year and it is having great results. I feel stronger, I am slimmer and more muscular. Unfortunately it also seems to have kindled a desire to be intimate with my wife more frequently. However, my wife's desires are not as frequent as mine and so I am often disappointed. It is disappointing, there is no denying it, and frequently I get snarky and grumpy because of it. Before this rehab, I would have probably resorted to PMO out of anger at least as much as due to desire. At such times, I am also disappointed in myself because of my childish reactions. I know these things are products of selfish desires.

    As you suggest, at times I also thought that intimacy with my wife would provide the added benefit of a relief to desire but it is not always the case and sometimes it even has the opposite effect. I do know the answer to all of this but as usual it is easier said than done. I can see that all of the sinfulness in my life stems from selfish focus on my needs and desires and such focus ultimately culminates in unhappiness. Tough stuff, because I have lived a life of catering to my needs and desires. Just a further demonstration of how much I need God's grace and how frequently I should be asking Him for it.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2023
  8. I think we can learn to shut this stuff down. It can be a disappointment, but a small one. Life is full of small disappointments. Our fullness is in Christ and his goodness, nothing else. if we cannot find contentment in him alone, we will never find it anywhere else.

    Still, it can be very hard at times, to deny oneself, and some days are certainly more trying than others. I think you all are amazing for what you have endured and continue to wrestle through each day. God knows how hard it is. He is pleased when we choose him despite having other options available to us. Of course he is the only one that will truly satisfy, but the choice is still ours to make.
     
  9. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    Exercising more makes me desirous too I think...overall. I feel better about myself and more engergised. However, in the moment, vigorous exercise I find is actually a great way to deal with the frustration and disappointment of a desirous day when physical marital intimacy is not going to be possible! Which creates a virtuous circle, because I feel more desire so I exercise more so I feel more desire...so long as I keep exercising.

    Is this the American 'you all' for 'you [plural]'? Do you mean you all as in me and my wife or you as in people on this forum? Either way, I'll take it. Thank you!

    In some ways I feel similar to where I was when I was 9 years sober. Not doing P or M, for the moment, by the grace of God, one day at a time, but itntermitten bouts of obsession with temptation to view P or think of P memories. I find it really really hard not to turn to P memories in my mind when tired, stressed, sexually frustrated. Way harder than not looking at P. It is instantaneous, insidious and invisible. I need help from God not to do this. I know it is different in degree from looking at P in RL, and temptation is different from actually lusting, but I need a lot of grace to grow in this area if I am going to progress. Because even mental obsession is a kind of slave master. So please help me God.
     
    jw2021 and Wilderness Wanderer like this.
  10. Yes, "you all" is a way to make explicit the plural sense of the word when it is not clear from context. I meant it to refer to those on this forum, but I would certainly extend that your wife, as well, who I imagine is a sort of modern-day saint, as are all women who treat graciously with us addicts.
     
  11. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    1,880
    6,224
    143
    LOL As a southerner, born and bred, I wish to note that the correct spelling and pronunciation is "y'all" and the term is most properly used in the plural although in some instances it can be used in the singular.
     
  12. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    I just want to moan. I have nowhere else to do so at the moment so I will do it here.

    I am so tired and so angry with my son who has had a bad night. Last night after falling asleep at 10pm after doing the chores I was woken up at something like 11pm, 2am, 3am, 4am. I have been awake since 4am. Finally got him back to sleep just now at 6.45am.

    I am furious and so tired. 5yo will be up soon for the day. My wife is still isolating and distancing from me. I am really fed up. We would have had our funded nurse last night to help but she asked for an extra night off to go to visit a family member. I need to forgive her for that, even if she hasn’t done anything wrong.

    PMO temptation has been around. It would be a thrilling and delectable escape from this misery, but I know that then it would just make me feel even worse. Unfortunately two nights ago in the exhaustion and temptation an idea came to me in the night about how I might be able to get around my filter and accountability software. This has been bugging me. Actually, though, it probably wouldn’t work, and I think I even tried it once before when I was still acting out—I just can’t remember very well (good). The thing is there will always be a way around filters and software. The problem is not with the computer, the problem is with me. So I need to leave this alone. [One thing I do like a lot which I use is the ‘Frozen Turkey’ feature of Cold Turkey, which forces a shutdown between certain times. I have no idea how to get around it and it means my computer is always forced off during the night from and until a certain time.]

    I feel so squeezed. I feel I have so little spare time to be me, to recharge, to create and express myself. The tiny free time I have I waste writing this because I am too emotionally frazzled to do anything else. Actually, maybe this isn’t a waste of time—it was a bit cathartic to write this. Moan moan moan moan moan moan moan. Woe is me. Pity party.

    One day I hope and pray I won’t be in this situation anymore: with a badly-sleeping baby, a wife having chemotherapy distancing and isolating from me, very little spare time, a drought of physical marital intimacy, and at the tail end of an illness. But I’ve got to make the most of it, find the joy in it, learn the lesson of it, offer the sacrifice that can only be offered in it. I should be thankful that I have two children, a wife at all, any spare time at all, that physical marital intimacy has ever happened at all, that we sometimes have a funded nurse to help, and that I am slowly getting over this illness. Thank you LORD. Please help me to use my time well. Amen.
     
    jw2021 likes this.
  13. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    1,880
    6,224
    143
    You are human. A strong and determined human with good sense, good intellect and wisdom but still a human. Be patient with yourself. It is not at all unreasonable to be grumpy and a little selfish after the night you had. Honestly, you are doing great.

    God revealed himself to man over a span of a few thousand years so that man could reach a true understanding of the relationship between God and man. As individuals, He reveals Himself to us in small bites and thankfully He shows us what is truly in our hearts in small bites too. It takes time to obtain true holiness but clearly you are on the right path and inspiring many of us as you make each step. You are doing great! Stay strong for yourself and for your family, it will pay dividends. I can attest to it.
     
  14. You are in the whirlwind. The enemy wants to see you break in the middle of it, to return to your own strength and your own way of coping.

    It won't last forever. After every period of testing, there is a period of rest. God is sufficient to see you through. Continue to rely on him and not yourself.

    You are growing strong in the Lord. If you can weather this, you can weather just about anything. Keep taking the steps that lead toward life. Reject sin and self.

    Hebrews 12
    And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
     
    XandeXIV, jw2021 and Rebooter2022 like this.
  15. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    579
    854
    93
    I think it’s normal for any spouse to feel frustrated by not getting the sex they want, regardless of their addiction history. But us addicts tend to think that sex is a defining point of marriage.

    You are doing so well to stay strong and come on here to vent. I hope that you can have these pity parties with Jesus as well. He longs to connect with us on a deep emotional level. You are indeed doing well. @Tao Jones is right when he says that by successfully passing through these stressful moments without falling into lust you could become stronger than you have ever been.
     
    XandeXIV, jw2021 and Rebooter2022 like this.
  16. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys. Great encouragements. Really really appreciate them. I'll take it.
     
    jw2021 likes this.
  17. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    The key difference between porn and genuinely emotional and physical intimacy, for me, which also helps sometimes with getting the motivation to take God’s help to get and stay free, has to do with the category of connection. In PMO there is no genuine, real or human connection. Somewhere there is a woman who was naked, and images have been captured of her and then reproduced on a screen. PMO users then view those and get off.

    How much connection is there to a real person here, how much real interpersonal relationship? None. We are viewing a reproduced image of another person that feels like the genuine article, but isn’t (they are not really present), and simulating sex with our hands. So all we are connecting with is is really ourselves—the lust-image in our brains and our own pleasure. It is actually an entirely self-contained activity. This is actually pathetic and pitiful. I can only say this because I have been there.

    Real emotional and physical intimacy, however, is completely different. Almost everything about it is different except for the common factors that there is (usually) nakedness and that the same pleasure chemicals are involved (though in different amounts and combinations, I think). There is another human spirit and person to interact with, connect with, engage with. When this is done properly, and the person is not just being used as an object through an inner self-imposed screen of lust, it is completely mind-blowing and blows porn out of the water.

    But the trouble is that through PMO we’ve trained our brains to prefer a counterfeit, to take the fake digital prostitute version where you take one element of the real deal—dopamine-arousal from attraction to visual and aural nakedness and excitement–and just idolise and max out on that, with no real connection, which while it produced a temporary massive drug high, then leaves one feeling (rightly) empty, unsatisfied, pathetic, pitiful and ashamed.

    Thank God that while we have no power ourselves to escape from such an addiction, he has the power to liberate us.
     
    RedeemedIowan and jw2021 like this.
  18. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    1,880
    6,224
    143
    Well stated and I fear that this training takes a very long time to undo. I pray everyone reading this appreciates the incredible damage that can be done by repeated PMO. We tell ourselves "just this once, it's no big deal, it's not a serious sin, nobody gets hurt, nobody knows but me." All lies. Sin is a serious wound to our mind and heart. God can heal both but the scar may remain for a long time and the deeper the wound, the more lasting the scar.
     
    jw2021 likes this.
  19. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    We all need a reality enema. All we can do is offer ourselves as living sacrifices each day in service to God and ask for the indwelling power of the Spirit, in the faith and hope that we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
     
    jw2021 likes this.
  20. Rebooter2022

    Rebooter2022 Fapstronaut

    1 year and 3 months sober from P.
    8 months sober from M.
    31st day of current total monk mode 'streak'.

    I anticipated that a time of physical marital intimacy might miraculously happen yesterday because there was a very brief window where circumstances amazingly seemed like they were going to allow it and things seemed to be going well.

    Then my son had something called a 'BRUE' or 'breath-holding attack' and we had to go to ER, which blew all that out of the water. It was absolutely terrifying, though thank God he is ok now.

    Now the window closes again because the nurse is back, my wife is therefore no longer potentially interested, and she has another chemotherapy infusion tomorrow.

    I am like a child who has had his cookie taken away.

    I confess and surrender resentment of my wife for not caring about my desires or frustrations.

    I confess and surrender the desire to watch topless film scenes online in rebellion in order to get my fill.

    I lay down again the wrong ideas that sex is an entitlement and that I have a right to be empathised with or treated with affection.

    I read this (again) today, it encouraged me. I identify with it and helps me to not be so depressed that I still experience temptation, especially as is frequently the case right now when things are very stressful, and that I struggle with P memories:

    'When people have a history of having used porn to cope with emotional pain and stress and for sexual pleasure, they are particularly susceptible to wanting to use it again, no matter how motivated they have been to quit. Porn addiction is a chronic condition that doesn’t automatically go away just because someone stops using porn. As we discussed in chapter 4, long-term porn use—like alcoholism and other drug addictions—changes brain chemistry, and those changes take time to heal. Former porn users often live with a powerful, underlying hunger for porn that can linger for months or even years after they’ve quit using it. They are particularly susceptible to feelings, thoughts, and situations they have previously associated with porn, because powerful memories of past sexual excitement can bring the underlying desire to use porn back to life. Brad explains, “Alcoholics know they are ‘alcoholics for life’: as long as booze exists, they want to drink it. And people who quit smoking cigarettes are the first to admit they are ‘smokers for life.’ Well, the same is true for us porn addicts. When you’ve had a sexual relationship with porn, you never completely stop being tempted by it.” Recovering porn users are especially vulnerable to relapse because the cultural environment in which we live is filled with sexually stimulating messages and images. It is challenging to steer clear of porn for extended periods of time when provocative images that can arouse the desire for porn are everywhere—in ads for beer in magazines, in the scantily clad performers featured on television, in the sexually suggestive links that pop up unexpectedly on nonporn Web sites, and so on. But even if a proliferation of sexually explicit images weren’t present in the real world, they can still be ever-present in the former porn user’s mind. It’s been more than ten years since Alex used porn, and he told us, “Staying away from porn is still hard. My mind is still full of the stuff. I can call up my favorite stories and pornographic pictures at any time. The images feel burned into me.”'

    -Maltz, Wendy; Maltz, Larry. The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography (pp. 187-188). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
     
    jw2021 and Tao Jones like this.

Share This Page