Journal | Daily Updates on My Progress (or Lack Thereof)

M

Matt-UK

Fapstronaut
Day 1 (here) Day 3 of NF

So, I think journaling is going to help me stay focused.

And also I'm a writer and so hopefully my words, as well as my experience, can help to inspire others.

I've had quite a lot of anxiety recently about my addiction and the potential for it to damage my relationships etc. And this had led me to consciously reposition my thinking about them i.e. stop making excuses and identify them as being negative, unhealthy, and abnormal.

I won't go into the specifics again, as you can read the post linked above if you want some more context.

Today, I feel like it's quite a challenge - hence why I've upped my activity here. I was just observing until now, but I'm now signed up and actively posting.

The challenges have been:
  • Wanting to install a certain dating app (gay) to see who has been messaging
  • Knowing that I will be alone - without my wife - at home for several weeks in December (fantasizing)
  • Being drawn towards girls on social
  • Wanting to explore wellness m (just an excuse)
Beyond this, I still find myself ogling in the streets and fantasising as a result.

I also feel very sensitive down there - like I am somehow slightly aroused. I guess it feels like a pre-warning to a wd.

I've also had dreams - very graphic - and sleep thoughts. These have been very real and led me to want to revisit them somehow.

I have stayed strong so far though - except the ogling. And I'm committed to keep going.

I've done an independent nf for over a year before, in my 20s, and it felt incredible. I've also had long periods - 4-5 months in last few years where I feel I've completely overcome it, only for something to creep back.

I even recall once saying to myself - "wow, I'm so glad I'm over fantasising about men. There is not a single part of me that's into that" - only to be back on that app the next morning (after months away).

I should add that I do have relationship problems - some of which are due to my wife's behaviour (and not just mine). When she is acting unfairly towards me, this is when I often excuse myself and lose the battle.

Many thanks for listening.
 
Matt-UK said:
Day 1 (here) Day 3 of NF

So, I think journaling is going to help me stay focused.

And also I'm a writer and so hopefully my words, as well as my experience, can help to inspire others.

I've had quite a lot of anxiety recently about my addiction and the potential for it to damage my relationships etc. And this had led me to consciously reposition my thinking about them i.e. stop making excuses and identify them as being negative, unhealthy, and abnormal.

I won't go into the specifics again, as you can read the post linked above if you want some more context.

Today, I feel like it's quite a challenge - hence why I've upped my activity here. I was just observing until now, but I'm now signed up and actively posting.

The challenges have been:
  • Wanting to install a certain dating app (gay) to see who has been messaging
  • Knowing that I will be alone - without my wife - at home for several weeks in December (fantasizing)
  • Being drawn towards girls on social
  • Wanting to explore wellness m (just an excuse)
Beyond this, I still find myself ogling in the streets and fantasising as a result.

I also feel very sensitive down there - like I am somehow slightly aroused. I guess it feels like a pre-warning to a wd.

I've also had dreams - very graphic - and sleep thoughts. These have been very real and led me to want to revisit them somehow.

I have stayed strong so far though - except the ogling. And I'm committed to keep going.

I've done an independent nf for over a year before, in my 20s, and it felt incredible. I've also had long periods - 4-5 months in last few years where I feel I've completely overcome it, only for something to creep back.

I even recall once saying to myself - "wow, I'm so glad I'm over fantasising about men. There is not a single part of me that's into that" - only to be back on that app the next morning (after months away).

I should add that I do have relationship problems - some of which are due to my wife's behaviour (and not just mine). When she is acting unfairly towards me, this is when I often excuse myself and lose the battle.

Many thanks for listening.
Click to expand...
Hey man. Thanks for your transparency. I would consider doing your journal in the "Reboot Logs" section under your age group. Regardless, keeping a daily log/journal is crucial to recovery.

One thing that stood out with your post is where you mention at one point you thought you overcame this addiction but it creeped back in. That is such a critical piece to understand, and many folks think they can actually defeat this thing and be done. If you're an addict like me, that isn't possible. It's a daily battle that must be taken care of each and every day...even when things seem perfect. It's those unguarded moments that this addiction will creep right back in and tear us down.

I work my recovery tools everyday regardless of how good or bad I feel. It must stay in the forefront of my brain for me to experience any type of success.

I look forward to reading more about your journey. Wishing you the best!
 
Ah awesome! Thanks for the pointer - I will shift it over there.

Yeah, it's also what made me realize that this is an addiction and not just a preference. I was so happy to be free of it and then BOOM, it completely took me over again.

I've never been addicted to drugs, so can't really say it's the same, but also looking back at the way I behaved - even just a few days ago - just fills me with embarrassment (which I assume it what it's like for alcoholics and drug addicts).

Recently, I've looked at my desk or sat in my car, and recalled like "wow, just last week I was here frantically doing x, y, z." Like what a waste of time and how degrading. But, yep, it is what it is.

In the main, I'm quite able to keep things in perspective and be light on myself. I've tried to create certain ground rules to prevent hurt. I've been disciplined and a loyal to a degree, in that respect. But equally, those boundaries were the creation of my addiction - to lure me into something that actually isn't okay.

I'm increasingly confident, through every exchange here, that I can come out the other side.
 
Matt-UK said:
Ah awesome! Thanks for the pointer - I will shift it over there.

Yeah, it's also what made me realize that this is an addiction and not just a preference. I was so happy to be free of it and then BOOM, it completely took me over again.

I've never been addicted to drugs, so can't really say it's the same, but also looking back at the way I behaved - even just a few days ago - just fills me with embarrassment (which I assume it what it's like for alcoholics and drug addicts).

Recently, I've looked at my desk or sat in my car, and recalled like "wow, just last week I was here frantically doing x, y, z." Like what a waste of time and how degrading. But, yep, it is what it is.

In the main, I'm quite able to keep things in perspective and be light on myself. I've tried to create certain ground rules to prevent hurt. I've been disciplined and a loyal to a degree, in that respect. But equally, those boundaries were the creation of my addiction - to lure me into something that actually isn't okay.

I'm increasingly confident, through every exchange here, that I can come out the other side.
Click to expand...
You sound open and willing to go to any length to stay sober...which is absolutely amazing. I'm also glad you're able to dust yourself off and move on. Some of us dwell and beat ourselves down after a relapse or a sketchy situation. Glad you are able to move on rather quickly.

You're gonna read and hear all types of stuff on this site...all different perspectives and recommendations. The only thing I can say is I would recommend figuring out what type of lifestyle changes and recovery tools can keep you sober one day at a time. I think updating your journal one or more times a day is a great tool, as is direct messaging with others (accountability partners) in this community. Additionally, contributions to this community in other ways is also paramount. Helping others is just as beneficial for your recovery. It keeps you out of you and focuses on sharing the hope of recovery...so reach out to some new guys!

Lastly, I would recommend writing a list (mental list is fine) that identifies trigger points for you. Are there certain situations that instantly draw you to acting out? Are there PG-13 sites that can trigger you to dive deeper? Stuff like that...figure it out and be aware. Keep those things in the forefront of your brain so your ready to redirect your attention elsewhere (like this community) if you're about to go down a wormhole or act out.

Keeping this addiction in the forefront of your brain, and staying active with your recovery tools, can and will drastically increase your chances of recovery today. Just remember, after some time away from the drug (porn, masturbation, escorts, etc.), you'll become super confident and feel like you're "cured." This is an absolute lie you will tell yourself and it usually leads us down the path of relapse.

Hit me up on a direct message anytime. Wishing you the best bro!
 
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