Journal Entry of the Day: Perspective

Today was difficult. Not porn wise but work wise. Some would say that this what would be a trigger for them. Perhaps it would have been a trigger for me if I had not just got into it with my wife about watching porn at work. Yes, it had gotten that far. I recently got promoted from customer support to engineer at my company and I have more...freedom….and more responsibilities which was kind of overwhelming. I wonder if the combination of the two may have driven me to act out at work the way I did. In any case I have stopped that habit as far as I know now.


My wife established that she does not want to know about my journey as far as when I may slip up or what have you. However, she has a set of stipulations that she will not tolerate; chatting with other women, spending money, and now of course, watching at work. Easy enough right? Except I broke two of those rules in my last stint. Watched at work and spent money. I confessed both to her after lying about one of them which was paying for it. I knew that was an established “absolutely not” and I did it anyway. Just to gain access to a mega file of a database of content for ….fans…. that recently got leaked all over the interwebs. Side note, discord should be rated higher than +12 in the apple store and should definitely be considered explicit to covenanteyes. Anyway bottom line is I broke the rule. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to deal with this addiction if she would work through this with me. To have someone to talk to about this. But I cannot have that because she is not an addict and can never truly understand the struggle, and everything I say about this struggle potentially hurts her emotionally so that had to stop. I totally understand her not wanting to be that person for me. Especially considering I was not always truthful about everything to begin with. In any case I do have people I can talk to about my struggle that I have met through SAA.


Talking to my wife now is like seeing into a future where she has separated from me and moved on with the perfect guy that she thought I was. She mentioned today that she would have these fleeting thoughts and stop herself from thinking too far into it. She would think, what are her intentions after leaving. Does she intend on eventually coming back or will she eventually become emotionally invested in someone else? This is probably good for me. It hurts to hear but it gives me perspective and reminds me what's at stake. I just sit, listen and embrace it all. I am going to try and wake up early enough in the morning to get reading done and pray to my newly found higher power. I did a terrible job this morning, but i'll keep working towards it and following the 12 steps.