Journal entry of the day: Truth

I have been writing these journals in private on and off and I must say, reading these essays, I write in my journal, back to myself tickles me a little bit. Looking at what I was struggling with in the past and seeing how far I...HAVEN'T come since then is quite hilarious. I try to find humor in the things that make me sad often and it helps me deal with it sometimes. Just yesterday I was on the phone with my sister and you could swear I did stand up comedy with how hard my sister was laughing at me about my struggle. With me, not at me. Anyway in today’s journey I spoke with my wife much more than yesterday. In fact last night we were on facetime while she was at her air bnb which made me happy for a moment. Then sad as soon as she told me that she wishes we were in a long distance relationship again so that I might sort out my issues. At the time I just felt even more like she just didn't want anything to do with me romantically and this was her nice way of putting it, but today she explained that she feels like I will recover from this sickness faster if I had time to myself to devote to this journey. Who could argue with that logic right? Why does my wife have to be so emotionally intelligent smh. Anyway, would not know how to approach this honestly. We are currently married and live together. I could always go back to the house that I grew up in and shack there for a while, but my mom is there and she doesn't like to involve my mom in our relationship. Not after what happened before. Long story I wish not to get into. So that is something I am going to have to pray about I suppose.


Speaking of prayer, today in SAA we spoke about the third step being giving one's life and all control over to one's higher power, in summation. I realise that this is a step I have not even scratched at all. I don’t even have a higher power man. I thought to make my wife the higher power but that obviously did not work out. It seems that your higher power has to be something you deem greater than yourself. I suppose since I am a christian I can make God mine. But I don’t even know what that means for me. Is it just my moral compass pointing me in the right direction? Is it the right and wrong, or moral code, I was taught growing, manifested into a being of my own creation that I follow no matter what? Is that all that the higher power is? Just listening to that little voice in your head that says “You know that after you PMO right now you will not feel fulfilled and you will feel terrible about it and shameful so much so that you will lie to your wife about it and end up in this same situation over again”? Or the voice that says plainly, “If you have to lie about it, you probably should not be doing it”? Perhaps a higher power can be a phrase that you live by that is all encompassing of one's moral code like the second phrase. And maybe I label it “Truth”. After all that is what I struggle with the most with my wife.


While listening to a guy’s story that resembled mine in almost every phasset (I think I may ask him to be my sponsor if I can work up the courage to do so), I realized that I may have an issue with wanting everyone to see me as this perfect guy that is flawless rather showing people my real personality or revealing who I really am. Not just about porn but just my very core of what makes me me. I think it might be the source of my lying so much about this to my wife. I want so badly for her to see that I am still perfect even with this porn addiction and it causes me to lie to protect what I believe to be her image of me. Growing up I would always try to impress my dad but he was a hard man to please. I could never do anything right with him. I would produce music and show everyone and they would love it, but his opinion of my music was more important than anything. Now that he has passed and I can no longer seek his approval I may have applied this thinking to every part of my life. Trying to please people or obtain their approval, so much so that I would lie about my flaws to seem that much more perfect to the people I care most about like my wife.