Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. I'm starting a journal here to document my progress and then I have promised myself to put this away for the day afterwards. It's been about a week and a half since the last D-Day. It's amazing how this consumes all of my mental, emotional and physical energy post discovery.

    I'm still very angry. We had agreed this would be talked about when it happened again and no more secrets. Yet, here we are, secret is out again.

    There's one thing I really understand now. This is up to HIM. I can't fix him or this, I can only fix myself. I honestly don't know which one will happen. I am about 50/50 at this point of whether anything will actually change. I think it's just as likely to continue as it is that it will stop. A few years back I would have overwhelmingly gave more hope to the fact that it would get better and that his declarations and promises were real.

    I am now at a place where I accept that it may never get better and that is completely up to him. If it continues, I know what I have to do to save myself and I have mentally prepared myself for that. This is the last roller coaster ride for me.

    If I step into finding it myself again, without being told about a relapse, I am throwing up the white flag. I tried and this was bigger than the both of us. I don't want to live a life of secrets. I worked too hard on myself for so many years to allow someone to pull me back into the addiction cycle.

    I remember when my dad, an alcoholic, died at the age of 49. I was 21 years old at the time. It was very sad for me, but to be honest, it was a relief. I no longer had to monitor him and encourage him and help him and talk him out of suicide and make sure he ate and make sure he went to work, so on, so on. I loved him dearly but it was a RELIEF when he died. The hell I had gone through was over and the hell he had lived in for so long had ended.

    I remember that sense of relief and I know that if this addiction continues in my relationship, the end will be hard but it will be a relief also. With that said, this is my last stand.

    There should have been red flags for me all over the place. I was just too naive to see them. I always believe the best about people, especially people I love. I'm not going to let this change that. There are people out there who are 100% percent honest in everything. There are people out there who are capable of having a healthy relationship and there are people who put their family first. I know that because I am one. If I am one then they exist.

    That's part of this whole addiction from a partner's view. It eats away at your trust in yourself, those around you and the world at large. It makes you think that everyone is lying to you. I have seen myself become so distrustful of people over these years. I understand now that this is the result of the trauma of living in a household of lies. My brain has become so defensive that it automatically goes to worst case scenario. I don't want that worldview and all that comes with it.

    Ok, so very long post. Like I said, I promised myself to get it all out and go about my day. This is the last time I react to this passively. I promise myself that this will not control my life, my thoughts, my energy and my time. I deserve the to know the truth that exists in myself, in my life and in my partner. Not because of something I have earned but because as a human being, I deserve that. Everyone does. If my partner is unable to offer complete honesty to me as a part of our relationship, I promise to put myself at a place in life where I have peace on my own without him and without this addiction.
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Freakin AWESOME POST...another wise empowered spouse. You go girl.
     
  3. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    So much this. When the people closest to you can’t be trusted, it’s hard to believe that anyone can. It’s all so life and soul consuming. All the best to you in your own journey.
     
  4. I'm glad it resonated with you. I doubt my feelings sometimes and it helps to know others feel the same.
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    do not ever doubt your feelings or intuition.
     
  6. I think I am learning this now.
     
  7. It is good you are not generalizing. Trust issues are a headache. Goodluck. You are strong and intelligent.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  8. Day 2 of writing in this space. I feel better but in a different way than I have when this has happened in the past. This space has changed my whole outlook and take away from everything I am going through.

    It's really true what they say about seeking out knowledge about this, it empowers you and it validates your feelings. For me, it has helped to put away the confusion a bit. This is NOT about me. This is not MY problem or related to anything I have done. Thank God I am feeling that now and believing it.

    It was not my choice for him to decide to disengage from our life and our relationship and escape into looking for the sex related fantasies that allow him to feel better about whatever his issues are. I don't know what his issues are and I spent A LOT of time thinking about that in the past. At this point in time, I am no longer interested in figuring out his reasons why. Those are up to him to figure out if he chooses to do so.

    I haven't seen much effort in that direction from him but the need to control him has almost stopped. If he wants to get well emotionally, he will. If he doesn't, that's his choice and it's his life. I think I am out of crisis now and moving into a real and profound state of acceptance. I accept that he may never get better with this and he may not be the partner I had hoped to have in life. I am no longer investing my future happiness in ideas of us together. I have taken back responsibility for my own happiness. There are worse things than being alone, living this life for years to come is one example.

    While he is gone to work, I have no idea what that looks like and if he is looking at things during his free moments. If we had honesty and trust, I could believe him if he says he has not, however all the past choices have resulted in extreme doubts to the level of honesty of anything that is said to me. Also, if he is looking at things, he will continue in this addiction while I am getting better. His life will get worse while mine gets better. We will eventually be so far apart in that, that we'll no longer have anything to build on. This is up to him and I accept either direction he chooses to go. I've worked so hard to have a stable life and the ball is completely in his court now. No more nagging, snooping, questioning, requesting, demanding. I'm done trying to control the outcome of his life. It has eaten up so much of my time and energy. It's a relief to not feel the need to try to control this outcome anymore!! I'm in control of myself again, that's enough and I am thankful for that.

     
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hip hip horray...way ta go. You go girl. You’re on the right track. Keep in mind you will have moments of grieving for what could have been , but that’s all it is, what could have been.
    Maybe by hi g to face the consequences of his actions he will step up.
    I’m proud of you.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  10. He joined this site when I did. Last Friday or Saturday. He got in late from work last night. For once, I had not asked him to do any task, start a counter, read about something. I just wanted to see if he would do that on his own. Of course, he didn't. He did find time to get on Facebook though. It's those types of choices that allow me to really see that this may not be as important to him as I hoped it would be. Instead of lashing out at him as I would do before, I will just continue to sit back and watch to see how much effort he puts in on his own. It pisses me off, but it is progress for me to sit back and observe his choices versus trying to make them for him. At this point, I think work is now the excuse that serves to allow him to not participate in the active recovery of this issue.
     
  11. Praying for both of you.

    You are doing right ..I always heard said if u want to change someone, look to yourself first. That is spot on you have to work your recovery. He has to work his, and its his choice to either recover or be an addict
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yes it is his job to fix the behaviour and your job to work on yours. I did the same thing, pulled back, didn’t mother him by following him around, or checking up. I stepped back out of the equation. I started seeing my own therapist. To make a long story short within two weeks he literally ran out of the house.
    He said, he was born a liar, always will be a liar, he doesn’t want to work the SA program, doesn’t want to see a therapist...this is not how he wants to spend the rest of his life. He lied to so many people it’s unbelievable. So off into the sunset he rode his Harley...leaving me with a house and property to sell, that needs work or to have work completed on, which he started and never completed and that he told the realtor he would do. Once again, I’m left shouldering the responsibility of cleaning up his mess.
    It’s physically impossible for me to run this property and he knows that, but that didn’t matter.
    I’m feeling totally used, abused and abandoned. No explanation, and no idea where he is! He just quite literally ran away. I have been totally devalued and discarded.
    Take care of you...value your needs and desires. Do not give up your joy, laughter or freedom.
    By taking your focus off of him and giving yourself the attention, it may force him to change his behaviour.
    Hugs to you...
     
  13. Thanks both of you for the input and encouragement.

    He just up and ran?? What in the world. When was this. How long were you together? My Lord, I have so many questions and wow reading that made me angry!!!!
     
  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    That is correct...he just up and left town. No explanation..nothing. Since last September his first tip of the ice burg disclosure, it’s been shock after shock after shock.
    Ya it’s overwhelming and I don’t understand it either. We were together for 17 years and married for 15. Actually our 15th anniversary will be July 31.
     
  15. I am so SORRY! NO one deserves to be treated that way. There are no words.
     
  16. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    good! I wish all SOs understood this. Because only the PA can ultimately change himself so if he doesn’t really want to with all of his heart, nothing will change
     
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good ice 2.0... you absolutely 100% correct. The PA has to want to grow and evolve.
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  18. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    good ice is a pretty sick name haha
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    lol...oops sorry. Note to self: PROOF READ before pressing send
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  20. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    nah it’s fine. i actually like the sound of it, good ice 2.0 :)
     

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