Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. I printed one off that I keep in the living room now. I also have one that's in my journal. I love that the website is so easy to remember too,

    My son who is getting ready to go to college came in here to talk to me about his list (he only has 12 more days until he leaves). I gave him the feelings wheel (everyone knows I write a lot and I told him I use that for my journal) and asked him how he was feeling this morning. He looked at the wheel and said joyful. I said "nice, what are you joyful about?" He said, that you are helping me to go to college. :) What a nice way to start the day. I'm so thankful for my children. They keep me grounded in an unstable world.
    LuxPerpetua and Lostneverland like this.
  2. Entry #18 - Sunday - 10 am - Hot and humid out already

    My partner got off of work yesterday a bit earlier than normal. We didn't have any major discussions yesterday. I made a nice dinner and we just watched tv together. It was a calm evening. It was nice to be in the room and not have the heaviness that is usually there. Well actually we did talk a lot about how I was feeling.

    I am worried about my ex-husband and somewhat annoyed with him. As I have mentioned above, our oldest son is going to college soon. Their dad, who I am on good and friendly terms with, has just been MIA lately. I've asked him to help with things and he always says he will, but doesn't follow through. He used to be a person who didn't drink or anything. For the last few months, when he comes over he always has a drink in hand. I think he may have PTSD from all these years in service.

    This last thing is that he is not able to pay his half of our son's tuition and keeps asking me to cover him until later in the semester. I never asked for child support while he was in college and he makes twice as much money as I do now. He has to take care of his parents though, so my boys get the short end of the stick while their grandparents drive Mercedes. I've kept my cool about it but I have also been distant towards him. He's not meeting his part of things where our son is concerned and I'm not okay with that. The old me would have lashed out. I wouldn't have had a grasp on my feelings and anger would have just overtaken me. I'm proud of myself for remaining cool but establishing boundaries for his involvement. We used to have split custody of our boys but about six months ago they asked to just live with me all the time because they said their dad was just working all the time and not really available. Up until then I insisted they spend time with him, but now that they are almost grown up, I let them decide where to be.

    Enough about that. One thing I have learned these days - I CAN'T CONTROL ANYONE BUT MYSELF! That is so real to me. Being in touch with my feelings really helps me to channel energy so that I can meet responsibilities head on and not get swept away by the emotional current. We just finished making the grocery list and my son's list for college stuff he still needs. I'm going to try to knock those things out today. I will find a nice book or podcast to listen to while I am at the store, it helps me block out all the people around who make me anxious.

    My feelings wheel today: Thankful for my sons (under peaceful and happy), Proud of my son for taking this huge step in life (Proud is combo of successful and confident, under happy), Anxious about the circus of people at the store (combo of overwhelmed and worried under fear), Frustrated that I am the only parent carrying their weight (Frustrated is combo of infuriated and annoyed, under anger) and I do feel Stressed in trying to get everything done to keep the household together (stressed is a combo of overwhelmed and out of control, under bad). I think getting this trip over and getting things we need will lessen some of the negative feelings I have today.

    I guess I want to mention too that after our breakthrough a few days ago as a couple, my focus here today is back to self-care. Self-care is primary for me and whatever steps we take as a couple are wonderful, but less important than my own successes in MY recovery. I'm not going to expect big gains in the relationship area. I'll take what I can get. When we talked the other day I told him that even though he may not feel love from me all the time, I want him to remember I am still in the relationship with him. I am committed to it, but unlike in the past, I don't have the desire to try to control it. It has to evolve on its own. For a change, I follow his lead now and all of my "fixer" energy goes to myself and to my kids. That's where it should I have been. I feel a little guilt for not having figured that out before, but I think it's natural for people like me to try to save someone they love. It's ingrained in me and something I have to actively stop myself from doing. I'm glad I see this and am learning how to curb the impulse of controlling.
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2019
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

  4. Entry #19 - Monday about 7 pm

    My partner's family...​

    My partner's family is making me nuts. My partner hasn't spoken to his mother since April. She is very codependent. When his parents split up, I think he became her source of companionship or something. The only thing she ever seemed to really encourage in him was dependence on her. Now that he has started finding his own way and not tolerating the nonsense, I guess she has decided his new work schedule is impacting his relationship with his son. She and I had a big fight that day (I wrote about it here) and now I'm getting messages from his dad's girlfriend about his work schedule.

    Does anyone have any experience with family members who don't see the big picture or support someone's recovery? I need advice.
  5. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    What you describe is called "spousification" of the child by a parent.... In a healthy and mutually loving relationship , our spouse should rank slightly higher than our child.... This kind of situation happens especially after divorce....

    I've known some parents who refuse to correct their child's alcoholism, because they are afraid that he will become angry and offended with them.....

    Or many times, it could be because the parents don't understand the seriousness of the addiction ( eg porn addiction, which many think doesn't exist) or because the parent themself is addicted (eg alcoholism) and doesn't have the guts to tell the child to quit something they themself are finding hard to..
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  6. My partner and I talked about it last night. He said the best thing for now is to not engage with his family. They are not supportive of our quest to be the best people we can be. He also thinks that growing up with an enmeshed mother caused him to never be able to speak his truth and seek out numbing tactics to get rid of negative feelings from interactions with his mom. I just have to work on my feelings of guilt and accept that they are not good influences in our lives right now. That is very hard for me because I have always been a strong family person. The idea of not speaking to family members is foreign to me now as a adult. So yeah, another thing in my recovery to be curious about and work on within myself.

    Yes it is wrong that his mother placed her whole sense of well-being on her relationship with her son but I can't fix that at all. Beyond that she is not the type of person to be able to accept opinions that make her uncomfortable so we just have to leave that situation alone. That's really the only course of action. Also, I have to work on figuring out why she can trigger me so easily and how I can lessen that response in myself.
    hillmountain likes this.
  7. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

    This is such fantastic insight which really speaks to where I am right now. Thank you for your wisdom @HeartBrokenAndScared Wishing you the very best on your journey of healing!!
  8. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

    I think you're on the right track!

    I believe that a big part of realizing you can't control anyone but yourself is realizing that nobody can ever make you anxious (or sad, or happy, or any other emotion).

    That's your emotional response, not theirs.

    You can communicate to other people that your emotions tend to correlate with specific actions they have taken in the past, and use that as a supporting argument for how you are requesting they behave in the future. You can request very specific actions that you believe will have a predictable impact on your emotions. But if you ask someone else to stop making you feel ___, they can't help you because they simply have no control of how you feel about anything.
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  9. I'm also becoming very aware of people who zap the good energy from me. It's up to me to distance from those people. Protecting myself is important.
    PeterJL likes this.
  10. Entry #20 - Wednesday about 7 pm

    Difficult Emotions All Over the Place!​

    Today has been a hard day overall. I had several bright spots, including talking to a new friend from here. Otherwise this day was brutal. My partner hasn't talked to me on any level other than surface level since Friday. What I mean by that is just basic stuff, "how was your day?" and work talk. This fuels my insecurity that we won't ever connect on a level I had hoped for with him.

    I brought up today that I think his childhood primed him to be a people pleaser. His mom is most definitely a narcissist. He told me that that is part of his personality. He likes to make others happy. So having no boundaries and looking to everyone else for approval, guidance, direction etc. is your personality? I don't buy that and it's hard to accept that he doesn't seem interested in getting to the bottom of our issues. I asked him if there was any hope that in the future he would be more interested in learning about himself or the world in general. He never responded to that. It's like a knife through the heart. I've gone through so much with him. Emotionally exhausted myself. Surely he knows his behaviors have hurt others, so it's very hard to take that he doesn't seem interested in understanding why or how he became this person. What do I even do with that?! I have no idea what to do. Part of me says just walk away from all of it. I daydream about how peaceful my life would be without having this clouding my thoughts constantly. I guess that's my anger and resentment talking to me.

    I've also been thinking about my childhood a lot today. Why I am who I am. There were things that I thought about that brought me to tears. How I couldn't save my Dad from his eventual death from alcoholism. How absurd it sounds out loud but how I still feel the guilt of it. How I have always felt different than everyone else, less than, damaged, inadequate. How even though I beat the odds, having been a teenage mom and a high school dropout to having a master's degree and a successful career, that I still feel different than others and less than. This stuff hurts. How when I met my partner I thought he was my second chance at love and a family. How I thought I had paid for my sins and God had smiled on me. I really just wanted to have a family and now it feels like I have a front row seat to watching that dream die. So many dreams that died in the face of reality.

    There are times when I wish that I had an addiction that I could fall back on that would soothe this pain. I'm too smart and too together to go there. I know it wouldn't fix anything but just a momentary break from the pain would be nice. I wonder if codependency is ingrained so deeply that I can't break it in within myself. I was always the helper and the fixer. It was my role in my family of origin. I don't know anything else. Everyone left my dad and I stayed. How noble of me. How unselfish. I couldn't leave him to die so I stayed and I endured the chaos that was a daily part of life. It hurts so much to think about now. Am I repeating that same cycle now hoping for a different ending? I'm afraid the answer feels like a YES to me. What does a person have without hope? When I reach out to my partner and look for signs that he is working on himself and I can't find them, hopelessness just overtakes me. It fuels my insecurity, my feelings of being different and my feelings of being doomed to watch my dreams of having a happy family die. That started so early in my life and the story is still playing out.

    I'm having an off day. Tomorrow I will get up and brush off and do what has to be done. It's probably important to let these emotions surface and think about them. I just wonder how long I can continue in this relationship with really wanting to work on my problems and not being on the same level as my partner. I would love to just be able to pretend everything is ok but I can't. It makes me angry to have my questions dismissed. I don't know how to get around that.
    hillmountain likes this.
  11. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

    Here's to tomorrow.

    Is your partner an alcoholic, too? Or just PA?
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  12. We have cycled every 3 or 4 months over the last 3 years. I always have found it and was never told. He always cried enough, made enough promises that I gave him another chance. This time is different for me. I don't have much hope left I guess.
  13. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Sorry to read this, but glad you’re still managing to put yourself first even just a little bit for the moment.

    Dr Rob says people that loving someone close to you despite their addiction doesn’t make you co-dependent, it makes you strong and selfless. You’re absolutely right that if he doesn’t start changing in the near future it might not be the right relationship for you, but that’s no reflection on you, that’s all him.

    You even recognised that you are strong enough not too fall into addiction, despite all the pain you’re feeling. Co-dependency enables addiction, because it has to feel “needed”. You’re the opposite. You have a man relying on you for emotional guidance, and that makes you uncomfortable. You want him to be more independent and proactive. You want less control, not more.

    I always labelled myself “the fixer” too, but like someone wiser than me said to me, everyone has issues, and being able to give someone unconditional love is the second hardest thing in the world. The hardest thing is to have to decide when you have to move on without them, and hope they understand and never reach that line.
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  14. He left his google profile open on my computer last night. I found lots of things I didn't know about. Looking at other women in lots of different platforms. The most hurtful ones around my birthday and valentine's day. This is when he was supposedly not looking at stuff. Plus I know anything major was already deleted so that's just the stuff that slipped through. I'm putting him out tonight. I'm not doing this anymore. I can't live like this.
  15. Staying Positive

    Staying Positive Fapstronaut

    Oh shit. I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Put yourself first, find people who can take care of you this weekend if you can. You deserve nothing less than utter respect as partner in any relationship, no matter what.

    I’m sorry this happened, and I’m sorry you are, as a partner, so powerless to get this man to see the pain he’s causing by trying to ignore this problem. Keep your boundaries strong and be kind to yourself as much as you can.
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  16. He's still here. I'm a crazy person who, no matter what he does in life, will never be happy with him. I have no hope for anything at this point and I'm just too exhausted to fight anymore.
  17. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Did he refuse to leave or did you end up not putting him out after all?
  18. He said he was going to try harder and he wants the relationship to work. Also that since his son would be with him today he didn't want the drama. He said he has been doing better this month but I am still stuck on what happened before.
  19. I basically just said fine because his son would be here. I'm always the bad guy and the person who can't seem to be normal while everyone else is fine.

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