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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.
At this point I am just too emotionally exhausted to even know what to do. I hate this shit.
The police officer is the "bad guy" because she enforces the rules when it gets in the way of someone else's "fun." The thing is, though, that without the rule of law and enforcement of those laws, we are in complete and utter chaos.
Stand firm. Enforce boundaries. You are not the bad guy. You are the only adult in the room, it sounds like.
I'm pretty hopeless about all of this. It's not a good place to be. He will be back at work tomorrow. I will try to get myself back on track.
Ebb. And flow . I hear YOU honey xoxo ❤️♥️ This shit ain’t for the weak !
Entry #21 - Sunday morning 9 am - Sunny and not hot out yet
Different Levels of Communication
The last few days have been hard. I think most of all I am in the gray land of not knowing. We set a disclosure date of August 23rd awhile back and we aren't there yet. I've come to realize that disclosure is being allowed to know the whole person you are with and not just what they thought you would approve of. Our relationship has been so hard in the past because I've never been allowed to know him to genuinely connect with him. I think the future disclosure has kept me in a state of emotion that is unstable. I'm ready for that disclosure and to know everything and to move on.
Looking at his past internet activities a few days ago set me into a tailspin but it made way for some communication levels we hadn't reached before. He has been very good at hiding a lot of things for a long time. Heads up to people who "speak" to google. There is a log for that and those records are stored. I had never looked at his before until the other day. It allowed me see that he had been texting with 2 women very near the time I met him. Literally within 2 weeks of meeting me. I was rocked by that. I met my partner while out celebrating the completion of courses for my master's degree. Needless to say, having a family and a full time job and working on a graduate degree, I wasn't a bar fly in any sense of the word. I had called up a friend who was at that time working a new job at a bar just to even have somewhere to go where I wasn't alone. That's where I met my partner. I never saw him with a girl there but later said that he had met a girl there who was a friend of his and she had left before he met me. I never saw her but I also didn't get there until hours later than the 5 o'clock crowd. Of course, I was curious about the "friend" part of that. My experiences made me think she was not a friend probably. Was probably more than that in some sense. So after what I found we talk about this again.
He had lied before saying she had been just a friend. I already knew that. He had had some casual on and off odd relationship with her with them being sort of together, sort of not together. I said it's clear in the way you talk about her that you liked her a lot, why were you not with her? He said I told her she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Wow, ok. So then you meet me and within a few weeks of seeing me are asking me to be in a relationship with you? I never brought commitment up to him, he was the one who asked me to be in a relationship. I was really curious about why he didn't feel the need to tell me that I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. So he talked a lot about who he was at that time. More than he has talked before. He said that he had been just floating around in this bar scene with this group of friends, which she was a part of, for several years before he met me. He had a friend who liked her and he didn't want to hurt his friend and she was friends with the guy too. What a tangled mess. I know that men say things like...you don't want to be in a relationship with me to girls sometimes because they don't see them as girlfriend material. I asked if that was a part of it. He said it was just that he had sworn off relationships for a long time and finding women to hook up with was sort of this thing that he did. He said with that girl, he knew she would be in the bar when he wasn't and getting numbers from men because he had seen that while he was with her and he didn't think she was a good bet. Of course again, I'm confused. You went from no relationship interest to me and asking that I be in a relationship with you. He said you were different. You felt safe. You were a new fresh start and I thought it was a good thing. None of my friends knew you, you were new. Not exactly the love at first sight narrative I had hoped for but I think there is some honesty in there. I can work with honesty.
I always thought it was weird that I had never met his friends before me. I knew he had a lot of friends that he hung out with before we got together. He said he didn't want me to be around them. They would have tried to hit on me and I would have become a part of that scene and he just didn't want that. (Little does he know, how quickly I would have ran from that or maybe he did know deep down.) He said he wanted something new. He also said that he didn't realize at the time how the lifestyle he was living was really not good at all. He said when he was with me he realized that being at the bar all night and coming home to pass out in the early morning and going to work hungover, just wasn't that appealing to him anymore. He liked the different lifestyle. Once again, none of this is really that fairy-tale that you hope for but it's honesty and I can work with honesty. I've been in a place before where I chose to leave people with addictions and chaos and be around healthier people. I'm glad that I was able to be a window to a different type of life. Something that jumped out at me when he was talking about the competing with his friend over who could hook up with girls they had met, I think his SA was at it's height during this time in his life. Not only was there P but there was a lot of real life things happening. Of course, when I mentioned that he did the classic dude thing of just thinking he was the shit because he was hooking up with a lot of different women. I really think it was a signal of this addiction and how strong it was at that time. I mentioned that it seemed like he got his sense of self worth based on how many women he was able to talk to, hook up with, win over his friend in their little competitions. I connected a lot of dots with all of this. The addiction has affected so many areas of his life. It makes sense that he would cling to someone who felt safe and the different way of life was appealing to him. I so remember my days in the bar and the circus of people whose lives don't begin until they are drunk enough to let their inhibitions fade and engage in something risky. It's a life of escapism.
His honesty allowed me to share with him that I have thought of who I would contact if we broke up and what type of relationship I would be looking for after him. I think it was hard for him to hear but it's real. I said I am straddling the line right now between is the new person I am with going to be the real you or someone new. I am open to either of those, but I am not open to continuing in the misery that we are drowning in. I'm still attractive and I still have time to go and take nice photos on adventures with a handsome man and settle down with all that comes with that. I'd like it to be with the real you but if it can't be, I'll let this go without drama and I will help you transition to whatever is next for you, i.e. getting a place, moving out, resettling. I'm not going to be angry if you decide you don't want to be open and honest and you'd rather end this. I truly am at a place where I know that either way, I am going to grasp happiness with someone, whether it is him or getting back out into the dating world. I hope that the communication we had can help him to realize we can be more open and honest with each other.
Also, wow you had some crappy surface level friendships. I guess those are easier to navigate than addressing deeper connections with people. It makes sense but it couldn't have been helpful for the addiction. I think his addiction chose his friends and lifestyle during that time and I think his addiction was at a height during that time. Having all your self worth tied up in how many chicks you hook up with is very telling of what a hold it had on him during that time.
So I'm trying to be hopeful again that we can continue to push deeper in our levels of communication. A lot of the anger I had is subsiding. It's coming down to being ok to leave this relationship if he is unable to be authentic. I actually know I will be fine if he leaves. My boundaries are getting stronger and my confusion weaker. I have a clearer vision of the connection I want and promise myself I will push forward to find it no matter which way it goes.
It takes wisdom to recognize wisdom friend. There are a lot of highs and lows in this life. It helps so much to know that you are not alone. Thank you. <3
Entry #22 - 8/22
Seeing Recovery Up Close and Shifting Focus
It's been 11 days since I have posted here. It's been almost 2 months since the last earth shattering D-Day. That is amazing to me. In the beginning of my time here, this was a crutch that helped me in my hardest of moments and it was an access point to resources I never imagined existed. In the past, I suffered this alone. My actions this time after D-Day have made a huge difference in the gains for myself and my relationship.
I've gained a deeper understanding of the fragility of the human mind and spirit and the importance of social connection and attachments to others.
I want to share my insights now compared to 2 months ago:
The perfect partner doesn't exist.
I will never be the perfect partner either.
Having healthy and well thought out boundaries is not optional for either the addict or the partner. Without healthy boundaries, the incidents of negative experiences will increase because there is no playbook for life. Time spent identifying boundaries and triggers is time well spent. It is an investment of time towards a happier future. It is also an exercise in learning who you are at your core.
The more work I put into myself, the more I encourage those around me to be the best they can be. Force is less motivating than setting an example.
Two things have to happen for a couple to survive this or any other major issue, trust and safety. Most of us are not good at being vulnerable, but without vulnerability trust and safety just are not possible.
With these said, I want to say that my partner and I are in a good place. His recovery methods are different than mine but we are both working on ourselves. That is something huge. The less I am looking for perfection the more I am simply able to appreciate the person in front of me.
I have gained the ability to look at myself a bit more deeply through the process. I never thought I would say that this has been a blessing, but in a certain way it is. It has given me the opportunity to hopefully have a real and true connection to my partner. I hope he continues his recovery efforts, even when he slips up (which will eventually happen) and doesn't fall back into the hole of shame that disconnected us in the first place.
With all this said, I am off to try a therapist focused group. I wish everyone here the very best. I'll be here every so often but infrequently as my focus will be on the therapist driven activities to learn about my partner and myself and of course, this addiction.