Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Awh...thank you so much, those are very kind words. Thank you. Ya I’m trying to keep it together.
    I pretty sure though once everything is said and done...a crash will occur. I don’t know it’s just so bizarre.
    Thanks for your support, I appreciate it.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like a solid plan. Somehow though you have to stay I touch with us as I’m sure we will all be wondering how you are doing!
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  3. You are one of my favorite people on here and I am thankful for You! It makes a huge difference to have people you can openly share with. It makes you feel less alone and more importantly for me, less crazy!!
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  4. I wish there was a way we could block each other but when we looked we couldn't find a way. If there is one, let me know!
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well keep in touch through private messaging. Even if it’s just to vent.
     
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  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Lol...good to read those words. I swear to god...I will appreciate happiness so much more once I have a direction in my life .
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  7. That might just be my new mantra...find the happy.
     
  8. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Why not just click 'Ignore' on each other's profiles and then neither of you will nee the other's threads or posts and nor will you see them quoted?
     
  9. We talked about this but I think he is scared I will remove it and read everything before he is ready to have the talk with me. Can anyone relate to that? Im trying to understand the need for him to do this in his own way.
     
  10. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    His fear makes sense, if he needs this to be a place where he can say unsayable things. But surely you could equally easily just log on and read them? At some point, if he is going to post here, he'll just have to trust you. Plus I've had several instances where I have got involved in men's journals because I realised whose spouse they were (he probs doesn't want to hear that).
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  11. Yeah, I agree. For the time being, I will just respect that wish. After we have the disclosure then I will be back and it shouldn't be as big of a deal. At that point, if we are working towards maintaining no secrets, then that would be a part of that.
     
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    I saw this on a successful member's journal. I wanted to put it here with a link to the survey - https://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php.

    When I took the test, I was reminded of episodes of my "acting out" in my younger years when I was a drug addict. I'm sure at that time, I would have been higher on the scale than I am now. At this time, my activities or lack of have no impact on people around me. This is absolutely by design. The questions made me think hard. Things like, have you ever had multiple partners at once, is not time related, whereas things like, are your activities hurting people in your life, is a question rooted in the present moment.

    If you are wondering if you are a SA, take the test and see what the results are. I believe having bad things happen to me as a young person and at times, having several sexual partners at once put me on a higher score than zero. I was reminded of the times I would string men along and my sexuality was something I used in the world to feel in control of things. Also, I was married at the time when most of this was going on. My dad's death flung me into drugs and sex and just overall chaos in my life.

    There was a point in time, after having my PA relapse over and over that I thought, maybe I'll just go back to that behavior and I indulged that thought for awhile. I wanted to be more interesting to him I think. Keep him on the edge of his seat having to wonder what I was doing instead. Luckily it was only a few months and I never met anyone in real life. What keeps me from going there is a deep remorse over the loss of my marriage because of the affairs I had in my younger years. A big part of my healing was coming clean with him and working on a friendship so that we could be good parents to the children we had together. That took years and it didn't happen overnight. I still feel bad for what I put him through during my addict years!! I gave up the drugs for the last time in 2008. I will say that having a relationship now with a PA has given me an even deeper insight into what I put him through. I hurt him more than a person ever should hurt another person. We have reached a place, years later, in our friendship where I know he has forgiven me and trusts me and is quick to say, you are a totally different person now and you should be proud of who you are and what you have made of yourself. It always makes me feel good to hear that. I will say, for me personally, the drugs fueled the sexual acting out but even after, I always felt more secure when I had a man in my life or someone who "loves" me. I guess we are all broken to a certain extent. Because of growing up with an alcoholic father, as much as I hate it, having someone that I am trying to "fix" is probably a normal way of life that is ingrained.

    Ok, enough of all of that. I think the test is valuable to someone who is starting this journey! I hope people take advantage of that resource in understanding themselves.

    PA was home yesterday. We had a good day together, as much as can be expected right now. He is working 6 days a week and to be honest, I am glad he is. I need the alone time to work on myself and continue to move out of "crisis". He is also building up savings that would help him if the relationship ends. I guess my last discovery was about 2 and a half weeks ago. I still get sick thinking about that day and it being while we were on a family vacation.

    We have been together for a little over 3 years. There were times, when I was happy in the relationship (and clueless as to what was going on), that I would daydream about us being married or him proposing, things like that. Right now, I am relieved that we are not married even though we live together. It will be easier for me to break things off if this situation doesn't get better or if it gets worse.

    He told me yesterday that within the month or two that he has had his new job that he has had P going in the truck while driving to different jobs at work. This was mind blowing to me and at the same time, not. It did make me see just how much of an issue this is for him. For him it's like having a favorite song playing or something. Crazy how someone can go so far into this. I'm not judging him, I just don't think he realizes that this is not a normal behavior or maybe he is starting to see that. Am I hurt by this? Absolutely and will probably will be for a long time. Am I in quiet desperation about my future? No. If this disclosure and subsequent work on his part doesn't produce a big change, I'm ready to move on. I'm glad we are not married. I'm glad I have no children with him. If he doesn't get it together, I can have him leave and never look back. I can forget him all together and move towards the life I want without him. I've started to think about that a lot, what I want out of my life if I end the relationship. I would occupy myself by working on my house, working to get my almost grown sons settled in life and going back to school. I would be working on a Ph.D. at that point and it was something I always thought about doing. I stopped at my masters degree which is when I met him. I would occupy myself and my time in those ways. Having some ideas of what to do with myself if the relationship doesn't work out comforts me. I am moving from the idea of a future completely intertwined with his to one where I can have peace, family life and pride in myself without a man involved. It used to shake me to my core when I would find things after he said there was nothing going on. My whole life revolved around him. I'm glad for the shift in my thinking now. It doesn't crush me as much to imagine life without him.

    This is such a long post! If you are still reading, wow, thanks! I have a busy day ahead. I am handling some big things I have put off for a long time because of the depression that came along with everything in my life. My family will be there helping but since my PA is at work, I don't have to worry about looking at him and feeling depressed, which is common for me. I don't think he realizes that even being in the room with him sometimes is extremely difficult. I feel much better when he isn't around. Could he be watching things while at work? Yep, absolutely, but that's not my concern now. If he is doing that it will only hinder his progress and end up in us going our separate ways, which I know now, is completely out of my control! I was one of those women who was always wondering and always worried about trying to control his behavior. I'm so relieved to let go of that. I think back to my dad and trying to help him with his alcoholism and even after all the things I tried, he still died. The only person that can save the addict is the addict. I do think I will write down some questions for him before I go to handle my major project today. One question will be, "why do you want to quit?" Also I may ask how quitting this will relate to his relationship with his son (his ex left him for this reason and he has a rocky relationship with both his son and his ex). He wrote down his goals for this week yesterday, to create a new account on here, put an introduction (extremely hard for him, as this is something he has never talked to anyone about), and respond to at least 3 people on here. I will use these goals to get an idea of how likely he is to continue forward in this recovery process. If he is not meeting goals, my focus will shift more back to building a mental idea of the happy things I will look forward to when the relationship ends. If he is meeting goals and seems to be engaged in the process, then I will try to be a support for that while still keeping a safe emotional distance.

    Ok. I got all of that out. That was a lot! Writing really helps me refine my narrative and dump things to clear my head for other areas of my life. I believe, for me, that's what makes this site such a powerful tool. I'm letting it out and I can be supported in that process, and maybe, just maybe, what I am writing helps someone else too. Hope everyone has a good day.
     
    Vizsla Dad, kropo82 and Lostneverland like this.
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you have a solid plan of moving forward regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. Good job...I’m proud of you.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  14. Thank you friend!
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  15. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    I wish the best for you... And would advise you to cherish whatever you have... Even if your SO is quite difficult to live with, I'd recommend you to practice as much forgiveness and love towards him as you can.... You should not be tolerant of his addiction... Be somewhat firm in insisting that he atleast try to end that and cultivate your relationship together.... But try your best to maintain the relationship....
    Remember, most guys are struggling with this problem in this modern world.... From presidents to beggars, porn is ubiquitous, and it's hold is strong.... I don't mean to be negative, but you do not know whether another guy you may possibly meet in the future is free of this hold of PMO...
     
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  16. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Even if your SO is extremely difficult, if he has his good points, try to let them counterbalance his bad points in your heart... Remember, everyone has a mixture of both good and bad.... And everyone can change... And if you lose this relationship then it may somewhat cause regret to you in future... Remember, many happy relationships are made out of two incompatible people who fight hardest to love each other and to be dedicated to each other...
     
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  17. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    And one important thing is that our emotions are sometimes a poor guide to decision making, because emotions are temporary like wind... If he is putting in atleast some work into quitting, into your relationship, then I'd recommend giving him and your relationship even more grace... That will make him quite thankful to you when this storm settles down....
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019
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  18. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    But at the same time, your happiness should come mainly from yourself, and God (if u believe in Him).... Don't place your happiness to much on anyone else...spouse, child, parents, close friends etc.... Because no human, however good a person, can fully satisfy our deepest longings.... Love your SO and try to be devoted to him but don't let him be your main source of happiness....... If we are already happy and satisfied when we come to a relationship, then we can love more freely and strongly, instead of like an excessively emotionally dependent relationship...
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  19. I totally get this but I can't bend on the honesty. It's at the top of what I need from someone. Intimacy is based on honesty. I don't expect him to be perfect by any means but I would pick being alone over living a life of lies. That's pretty much the bottom line right now.
     
    Tao Jones and Lostneverland like this.

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