Journal - HeartBrokenAndScared

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Yes it is a long road and at times lonely, and isolating. There is no easy out or around it, it seems to me ya just gotta through it and some days it really freakin sucks.
    Just know that there will be better days head...hopefully. Lol..sorry but it always seems that as soon as I tempt fate by saying, “ geesh what else could happen”...something that I never thought of happens. Then in contemplation I say, “Wow who would have thought”.
    Hand in there...
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

  3. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

    Being the (soon to be ex) first wife of a PA with an infant child this statement/truth is excruciatingly painful. This madness does not even wake them
  4. Entry #10 - I'm so mad my hands are shaking right now. We were together last night. It was great. I wanted to talk afterward. I guess that was a mistake. He had once told me that I was one of the only people who ever could make him have an O. Well in conversation last night he tells me that yes that's true but it's because he always just enjoyed giving women Os and wasn't really concerned about his own pleasure because he could take care of that on his own anytime. Here I was thinking that he and I had something special. I guess not. Then he said what do you want me to say, I like giving women Os. I can't get that out of my head. Tried to talk about it with him this morning and he said this is all we ever talk about anymore and I don't want to talk about it. So I just said that's fine and I will just go and do my own thing today so that you don't have to be bothered with my questions. I'm so freaking hurt by this statement.

    Does he think this is what I want to talk about all the time? I have questions. Who wouldn't have questions. The answers are never what I hoped they would be. I don't even know what to make out of that. Am I over-reacting to that? Was it so weird for me to want to feel like I was special in some way. I told him that if he didn't want to talk about it, then maybe we need to take some time and think about what our lives could be like separately. I'm so tired of this.
    MrBean likes this.
  5. Update to Entry #10 - After heated words, he left to get some air. I don't see how we can work through this together anymore. He wants to forget about it and pretend everything is fine. As much as I want to, I can't do that. Every time I was beginning to feel safe with him, he started back up with P again. The cycle is usually around 3 or 4 months. This has happened over and over in the 3 years together. That constant change in my feelings of safety and security has turned me into a different person. In the beginning I would reach out to men from my past looking for some sort of boost to my self esteem. I haven't done that this time (or the last few times) because I knew it just made everything worse. I was fragile and hurt. I just reacted and wanted so badly to feel some sort of love and admiration from someone, anyone. We are probably at a place now, where we just need a break. I'm so glad I bought this house and it's in my name. I would be too unstable to leave my home right now.

    I just walked into the bedroom and surprise, he is here. Not sure when that happened. He is sleeping. When he wakes up I think it's time to talk about what happens from here. As much as I would love to go back to a normal version of life, I can't right now. Maybe later in life but not now. If he can't be here for me working through everything, i'm okay with that.
    Lostneverland and MrBean like this.
  6. Entry #11 - 7/20/2019 - 9:15 am sunny outside, hot already - Saturday - TRIGGER WARNING (will try to make things as general as possible)

    I'm changing the way I start my entries now. This is the format I use in my personal journal. I like it because 2 things, a.) it makes me stop my thoughts to remember what day it is and what the weather is like and b.) later when I read back it helps to have that information to make connections in my thought patterns and events, etc. Also, because of my long winded entries, I have started to highlight important bits.

    My partner and I had a few good conversations which I will share towards the end of the journal post. First, I want to share an experience for my own level of accountability and honesty. Also, it will give context to the conversations my partner and I had after things cooled off.

    I'm going to reset my counter after this post. Thursday night, I looked at P. In all my depression and confusion, I think I wanted to try "the drug", as crazy as that sounds. I wanted to look the beast in the eyes. I looked at more violent and degrading things than I have ever seen before. I have never actively searched for anything like that and what I had watched before at different points in life was probably very vanilla stuff. I have read about the violence that is trending in the P world and felt it in my partner's likes and tendencies. I wanted to see what it was about. He called me on his way home from work while I was watching. I just put an ear bud in the other ear and just continued to watch while on the phone with him. I learned several very important things in that process:

    1.) P is definitely a supernormal stimuli!! This is most likely something my brain would never have seen IRL in my whole lifetime. I can see the allure a bit more clearly and why people get so caught up in it. It reminded me of looking at a car crash. You know you shouldn't look but yet it is fascinating and hard to look away. Add to that the sexual aspects and it's a really crazy combination mentally. I don't think there is anything IRL that could present such a stimulus.

    2.) The images from that viewing followed me throughout the day the next day. Not the whole day but when my mind was bored and also when I felt dissatisfied with my life and I wasn't consumed with anger towards my partner. The images were what came back to me during those moments. I always wondered if my partner thought about P while he was with me. A common SO question. I don't know if he has or does but I do know that the images are in his mind and probably come up at many different times. I can see how regular life with a regular person can be boring to a PA. Once something comes into your mind, it is always there. Maybe in time it fades a bit but it goes in and it doesn't come back out again. The eyes are the windows to the soul.

    3.) When I was talking to him on the phone but watching, I don't remember what he talked about at all. I was able to completely detach from and block out what he was saying. He probably felt very heard in that conversation because he did all the talking but I wasn't there. I was just agreeing with or affirming whatever he said. I would notice I needed to do that because there would be a pause in the sound of his voice so I would just say, "yeah I hear ya" or something ambiguous like that. No wonder SOs feel the partner is not there sometimes even when he is.

    4.) I have more empathy towards PAs now. As a person who does not have a P addiction, I could see myself getting caught up in that world very easily. What I noticed most was that I didn't have to think at all while watching. None of my problems existed and it was just me and the screen. Having just this one experience and seeing all the changes it made to mentally was eye-opening.

    I don't know how many of you have seen the show Stranger Things but the world of P addiction reminds me of the Upside Down! For those of you who haven't seen it, some of the characters get taken to or stuck in a place called the Upside Down. It's the same place where they were but it's different. Everything is dark and surreal. It is storming there. Things are broken and decaying, there are no people and it is always dark. Also, there are monsters there that the characters are always running or hiding from. It reminds me of what life felt like after I watched P and when I am fighting with my partner over it's role in our life or obsessing over it. I'm still in the same place but it makes everything darker, more isolated, more terrifying. If you've watched it, I wonder if you agree. If you haven't, it's a safe show to watch, and is one of the few shows these days that isn't very sexual in nature.

    After a rough morning yesterday involving fighting and both of us breaking things, my partner said he couldn't talk about this all the time like we have been. Between that and a few conversations with friends here, I realize how much this is consuming me. I made a deal with him to try to talk about it a lot less. It's not healthy for both of us. I broke down and cried for awhile. I hate who I am now and I hate knowing that I have lost myself. The things I thought about that made me just break down are: I don't like myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. I wish I could go back to who I once was.

    In the evening though, we did talk about it for awhile and I told him about my experiment on Thursday night and the things I learned from it. He was shocked that I went there. I got more out of the conversation with him yesterday than I have in a long time. Some of those:

    - He said, "I've realized in the last few days, that this next period of time is going to be very hard for both of us."
    - We talked about the 3 to 4 month period as being the time when it will be the most hard for him, while these first few months are the harder times for me.
    - We talked about how important it is for me to work on finding myself and someone I am happy with in the mirror again.
    - And we talked about how I can't go through "discovery" again. I asked again that I be told about it versus discovering it. I don't know what that looks like but it's a step in the right direction to change the dynamic and see how that plays out instead.
    - He shared some of the things he has been doing to redirect his mind away from P. He is over 2 weeks into this now. He drives a lot at his job and said he has started to pay attention to his surroundings more and get out of his own head.

    I have the house to myself today since my partner is working and will work on items for donation and cleaning. As many SOs, after discovery, I haven't done a very good job with keeping up with every day chores and providing for my children since all of this happened. Having a home that feels safe, warm, orderly and comfortable for my family will be an important part of my emotional recovery.

    Ok. So that's a lot of information and emotional dump! I always feel relief after my journal. I continue forward today with hopes of better days to come.
  7. Entry #12 - 7/21/2019 - Sunday - 12 pm - Hot and sunny outside

    Yesterday was a relatively calm day. My partner was working and I spent the majority of the day on here. I had a few conversations with my sons about things coming up, college, their lives, how their summer is going, etc.

    With my recent "experiment" of viewing things, I had urges to look again but did not. I just stayed on here. It wasn't a productive day but they can't all be productive. I know that I am still functioning at lower than my optimal self. I do think that's getting a little better each day. My partner and I had a few glasses of wine and sat outside and talked when he came in from work. It's been several weeks since I have had any alcohol in my system and this morning was not the way I would have liked to spend it. I didn't feel well and slept late. I had planned to grocery shop this morning but didn't. I feel bad about that. I hope that towards the end of the day, I can make a run to get a few things. Maybe even just a smaller store. My anxiety has been through the roof in public places lately. Disturbances in my relationship cause that condition to be much worse than normal. To be honest, large crowds are never my thing but when things are going well, I can manage them better.

    I've had a lot of doubts creep in this morning. I don't know if my partner really loves me. We have always lacked the romantic communication that I have had in past relationships. I miss having someone who writes me love letters and sends me love songs, little silly things like that. I also sometimes wonder if he feels that his first wife was the one and he just messed that up. I guess I should ask again sometime. Most often when I ask I get a lot of messages that relate to the anger he has to her for leaving and for not being able to be a bigger part of his son's life. Maybe those are things he has never fully worked through because of his addiction and not dealing with unpleasant emotions. Maybe the distance I have felt with him over the years has been because of the P use. I guess time will tell. Being with someone who has an obsession for something else definitely can be confusing on the receiving end. All in all, it was nice to have a semi-normal evening yesterday with my partner. We talked a lot about the better days we had when we first were together and how different things are now. That in itself is somewhat depressing.

    As for his P use, I am getting the reports every day and it seems all is well. He said he is glad that the software is in place because it doesn't give him the option of hiding something from me. He is not as engaged as I would like him to be with the site here. I worry that not having the support and insight from others, he will not learn as much during this process as he could possibly have learned. I just have to choose my battles wisely and conserve energy. I'm still working on getting myself back to "normal". So i'll take no P use at this moment and hope that he decides to engage with others more in the upcoming days and weeks. He is at 20 days now. I think that's a great start.

    I'm going to make a "to-do" list when I finish my entry. I will then prioritize it by what HAS to be done today and what can wait. I think I'll have a low functioning day today and allow myself that. I've been through a lot over this last month.
    Lostneverland and MrBean like this.
  8. Update to Entry #12 - Made it to the grocery store today. I know to most people that would sound silly but that's a huge accomplishment for me right now. I put on headphones and listened to a lecture by Alan Watts, one of my favorite philosophers, while I shopped. I have a long way to go to feeling in control of my life and my happiness again, but this was a good step in that direction for me. I may actually cook something for dinner. I talked to my mom on the phone for awhile and she has inspired me to work on having meal plans for each week. That's going to be a goal for me moving forward. She is hesitant about my partner still. I don't blame her. He will have to gain back her trust too. She is supportive of us working on things and I appreciate that. It's been a good day for me. Off to the kitchen now.

    Side-note: I was very aware of the men who having wandering eyes at the grocery store today. Most were with their wives and one in particular, while standing behind his wife, stared at me for like 30 seconds straight while being only about 10 feet away. I felt so sorry for his wife and it was super creepy. Men don't do this. It's extra creepy and you look like a big jerk. I really don't get that at all. I can totally get someone attracting your attention for a few seconds but when you just stare a hole through someone, it's really weird.
  9. Isn't it funny how after so long once we realize this addiction we can spot them out immediately in a crowd? The amount of them that there are in the world is frightening and sad.

    Sooooo glad you got out and are being strong! Awesome job!!
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  10. It is weird!! Glad I am not the only one that sees this now!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Entry #13 - 7/22/19 - 10 pm

    Today was a good day. Really working on my need to control my partner's recovery. It's hard since so much of my teen years were trying to help my dad out of his alcoholism. Broken promises are a sore spot for me. I've never had stability and consistency. For me it's a hallmark of genuine love and something I yearn for on a deep level.

    After my recent experiment with viewing P, I have seen those flashbacks of images and thoughts almost completely go away but I am super focused on self care right now. I actually didn't think of that at all today. Amazing after right after watching the thoughts came pretty often.

    I listened to a podcast that was awesome. It's called The Betrayed, The Addicted, and The Expert. Awesome podcast. They talked about what defines addiction and betrayal trauma in the first episode. I was excited to see that there are like 200 podcasts. I look forward to listening to them in the upcoming weeks.

    Self care activities right now:
    • Journaling (personal and/or here)
    • Encouraging others in my personal/work life and here
    • Eating a healthy breakfast
    • Using recent groceries to have a healthy salad prepared to take to work for lunch
    • Getting enough sleep
    • Having coffee ready to go for the morning
    • Waking up earlier than needed for quiet moments and to not have to rush around
    • Trying not to control my partner's recovery efforts
    • NOT getting sucked into mindless television shows
    • NOT getting sucked into social media nonsense
    Bedtime coming. Good night NoFap community.
    MrBean likes this.
  12. Thanks Hazel for the encouragement <3!
  13. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Good. You really learnt lots from that experiment, kudos, but be careful. I remember reading in some of @Castielle's early posts how she looked at porn to try to understand her husband's addiction and then became hooked herself (sorry if I'm misremembering that @Castielle).

    Can you say a bit more about the two journals?
    1. How do you decide what goes in each one?
    2. How long do you spend writing each?
    3. Are they useful in different ways?
    4. Is reading back through them different?
  14. How nice of you to engage me with these questions! They make me focus on the activity and redefining. :)

    1. I started writing in my personal journal awhile back. Probably about six months back. I wrote more "stream of consciousness" there. Basically, it's completely unfiltered and for my eyes only. If a co-worker is driving me nuts or my kids are having something happening, it goes there. I also write my exact thoughts there. If I am hating someone, I put my exact thought there even if it sounds horrible. My journal here; I try to stay on topic to the addiction and about things relating to my life with that.

    2. The amount of time I write depends on how clouded my mind feels and how much time I can fit in for it. Journaling has become a conversation with myself. Sometimes I need to talk to myself more and emotionally dump thoughts that are clouding my mind.

    3. Yes, definitely. The personal journal will never be seen by another person so I can say things you don't always want to say out loud. The journal here is more aimed at helping and getting support from others in this particular journey.

    4. Reading back through both of them is similar. It's actually one of the best parts of journaling. I can take sentences and identify emotions within the words. I can track how I am changing and how my emotions have changed over time.

    I've gotten to a place with the journaling where, if I feel agitated, I usually haven't written anything and I know I need to make time to write. I can feel the thoughts and emotions building up and writing allows me to "dump" it and move on most of the time.

    As for my "experiement", I can absolutely see how addicting it could be! The first 24 hours after were especially strange as I kept seeing images that I had viewed repeating in my thoughts. The difficulty of putting it out of your life after a long time of use and the tendency to binge made much more sense to me! I like being able to in control of my mind as much as possible so that encourages me to not look again. After the "experiment", I became super aware that what I put in my mind doesn't come back out, just fades over time. I will be careful and haven't gone back. For me the first 24 hours seemed very difficult but not so much now.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and to engage me with some questions about my journaling practices. :)
    kropo82 likes this.
  15. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    While "experimenting" with porn is definitely NOT something I'd recommend, I'm happy it has helped you to somewhat appreciate the power of pornography over porn addicts.... Especially when they haven't even begun to leave it... Its basically a feel good drug that the addict uses to medicate some pain, that ends up exacerbating the very pain the pmo addict thinks it will relieve him from...
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  16. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

    I suggest reading through something on your journal when you are again experiencing that same thing you have written... It helps put much into perspective and clears the mind...
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  17. The urge to watch anything is almost gone now, the urge to think about moving on and finding a new partner is pretty strong now though.
  18. Entry #14 - Sunday morning 10 am - Sunny out and not too hot yet. Front door open!

    It's been a few days since I have written here. I've figured out some profound things over this week. I have been listening to the podcast The Betrayed, The Addicted, and the Expert every day. That podcast was a God send for me. I realized my role in my own recovery is that I can't control his recovery and my role in recovery from Betrayal Trauma is to get myself back to a person I am happy with and proud of.

    For a long time, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. Every D-Day made it worse. I would look at myself and think, "what's the use"?! I would leave the house and just hope no one saw me out. That has changed. I've started to realize how beautiful I am again. I wake up and take the time to put on makeup and wear pretty clothes. I've started seeing people notice that. It usually comes on in things like, "wow your hair is so long and healthy looking" or "you look really nice today" or "I love that shirt" or men smiling at me or opening doors for me. Instead of dismissing the compliment, I say thank you and smile. I believe it's sincere and I am starting to feel that way about myself now. When I was obsessing over my partner, I barely functioned! The obsessing over his actions had to go. Life is too short for me to worry about someone that I don't trust at all.

    All interactions with him seem pointless to me now.
    From the outside, it looks like he is white knuckling his recovery. Meaning he is in sobriety but not in recovery. Thank goodness he is working 6 days a week right now and basically gone from sun up to sun down. If you will recall, we put the accountability software on his phone. I get reports each day but he just basically doesn't use his phone at all. I see a lot of avoiding it but not a lot of trying to figure out the addiction. Once or twice a week he will read an article or two that has a word in it that causes the software to send me an alert that he could be looking at something sketchy. I think this is him trying to show me he is doing something. This isn't about me at all! I think he's doing this for me and I know that it's just a matter of time before the house of cards fall. I've spent time thinking that if he and I break up, I have no doubt, he'll go right back to this behavior and add a lot of drinking and bars to that also. This is what happened when his marriage broke up about 7 years ago. He went to therapy for a few months, guess he figured that wasn't enough to get her back and went full steam ahead into this addiction and drinking.

    I will never forget when I first went to his house when we were dating. It was a disaster. At the time, I thought, ok great, this is why he's single! Who would want to bring a woman into a house that smells terrible and there is garbage everywhere? Now I realize it was so much more than that. His house became that way because of his addiction and his being at bars all the time and basically avoiding anything that wasn't pleasant to him. I empathize that he must have been very depressed at the time, but I'm not sure why no one in his family ever stepped in or why he didn't see just how unhealthy of a way to live that was. This is just one of the things I am realizing now. Being responsible for himself and his life and taking care of himself is not something he has ever been good at. I guess that's where my role came in. His addiction has spread through so many parts of his life. If his focus had been on taking care of himself and growing as a person, he would be a different person now.

    Our relationship is very tense right now and awkward.
    I am happiest when he is not at home. When he is here he seems lost and constantly looking to me for some sort of guidance. He asked me last week to not talk about the addiction every day, that it was draining for him. (To me, another "avoidance" thing.) But I agreed to and respected that request. There really isn't much to talk about since I'm not sure this relationship will last and I don't see a lot of work on his part. That's where having a group or community comes into play. He hasn't done that so he may very well just have no clue what to do! I did tell him the other day though, that I want him to work on being happy without me being an influence on that and I was doing the same. What I was asking is for him to find his own sense of purpose and clarity, not just check the boxes for things he think he should do to get me to be happy in the relationship again. I can see him scanning for signs that I am starting to calm down about this. The difference this time, is that I am starting to be okay again but it's separate from my relationship with him. That's a big change from D-Days before. I've reached out for support here instead of from him, and gotten education from sources other than his experiences.

    I went on a Girl's Day out yesterday. We went to a restaurant that's on a farm where everything is farm to table. It was a great day! The owner of the restaurant is in his mid-30s and we saw him coming through a few times. He's very handsome and I didn't see a ring on his finger. For the years I have been with my partner, I never looked at a man in that way. Imagining what life would be like with him instead. There's something I've realized over the last week or so, a relationship without trust isn't really a relationship. His words mean nothing at all to me anymore. When he says "I love you" what I hear is "I'm terrified of being alone again, please reassure me that I won't have to be alone again by saying I love you too". Sometimes I can say it back but most of the time, I just say ok or thanks.


    I'm going to gaze into my crystal ball for a moment. I'm pretty realistic about everything at this point. I've cleared through some of the denial I had and the excuses I made for him. The normal cycle is 3 to 4 months. He gets caught he white knuckles it until things are calmer or whatever and relapses into binge until he is caught again. I think he may go out to that time frame or maybe a little longer this time, but there isn't much growth in who he is, so I don't see a lot of hope for real change. We have one financial obligation that has both our names on it. I co-signed a loan to help him go back to school. He used to say that he thought his addiction was amplified by a lack of confidence in himself. While that may be true, cosigning that loan was the stupidest crap I have ever done! What a "fixer" I have always been! I wish someone would have sat me down and said, there are men out there that don't need you to fix them. Someone probably did, I probably just didn't listen. That's the definition of a "partnership"! I get that now, crystal clear. I shudder to think what he was doing while he was in "school". I've asked him to put a lot of money towards it right now. He has never paid bills here. So now that he is working a lot, he can afford to just throw money at that until it is gone. I won't pay for that and I have told him this much. If he has to leave here, it will be harder to pay that off, so now is a good time to do that.

    The next few months will be me working on myself and self-care. I'm going to list those items below and him paying off the debt that has both our names on it. I will also be observing for any real changes in who he is or insights into the addiction and who he would like to be in recovery. I have marked down the 3 to 6 month frame in my planner. I will be stronger and happy when that comes so that I can do what needs to be done. Spending my life with someone I can't trust and someone who can't be honest with me is no longer an option I am willing to settle for.

    That's all for today. As always, I wish everyone here success in their own recovery whether that recovery is from addiction or from trauma. Everyone deserves real, long lasting joy in life and if you are here, you're that much closer to it!
    MrBean and Tao Jones like this.
  19. Self Care Activities as of 7/28/2019:

    • Wash and moisturize face daily
    • Continue working on pride in appearance
    • Journal often and whenever emotions are high
    • Maintain close relationship bonds with my sons (especially son leaving for college soon) - ask questions and ask how I can best serve them in their life journeys
    • Listen to podcasts as much as possible and especially on work days, to and from work.
    • Continue making the house feel warm and safe
    • Continue finding and displaying photos of happier days (pre-current relationship)
    • Eat healthy, trying not to overeat
    • Continue working on tomato plants and sharing tomatoes with co-workers, neighbors and friends
    • Early to bed, early to rise
    • Alcohol only on occasion, when emotions are calm and occasion is happy
    • Continue working on kitchen with the vision of rebuilding the "heart" of my new happy home

    If anyone has additional self-care routines to share, I'd love those!
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
    MrBean likes this.
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Have you looked in Sanon ? It’s once a week for an hour . I feel like it gave me a different perspective

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